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Desert Definitions

Sun Dec 29, 2002 2:27 pm

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Desert Definitions:

Cadillac -- A portable latrine with running water and flushing toilets - all the bells and whistles

Chow -- food-like substance, sometimes lukewarm, that fills void in stomach

Desert Eagles -- the flies that make up 99% of desert majestic wildlife

Desert Goggles -- Similar to beer goggles, this condition turns raunchy "Desert Queens" into supermodels after months of female depravation

Desert Muscles -- A slight increase in muscle tone and/or mass brought on by hours of hard work in the gym and chugging expensive, chalky dietary supplements. They instantly turn into a beer gut after the plane ride back to your home base

Desert Queen -- A female who suffers from "GPS" and who can be seen leading an "entourage"

Drain Babies -- Fluid resulting from autoerotic stimulation

Entourage -- Two or more males with "Desert Goggles" who follow around a particular "Desert Queen". They are all secretly jealous of one and other, but openly cock-block lone males trying to move in on their "Queen"

Foo-Foo Fag Nasties -- Condition resulting from viewing Frenchmen in Speedos. "Vitamin M" won't cure these, only repeated, heavy dosages of "Hard-core XXX Porn".

GPS -- Golden Pu55y Syndrome; caused by males with "Desert Goggles" and a lack of competition, this condition causes "Desert Queens" to think of themselves as goddesses and be generally bitchy. The only known cure is return to the States for a reality check.

Hard-core XXX Porn -- Maxim, Stuff, FHM, muscle mags, swimsuit editions, and anything else that shows skin above the knee or below the neck.

Holiday -- A day like any other, except that the "chow" is slightly more food-like and a "party" is held

NA Beer -- A fallacy; never has the word beer been applied to a more deplorable concoction

Oasis Lounge -- Pool where "parties" are held. Inhabited by approximately 50 or more males, three or less "Desert Queens", and a handful of Frenchmen in Speedos

Party -- A small, base organized gathering with coolers of water, stale cookies, and LOUD rap. The theory is that if you can't hear the person next to you complaining, you will assume you are having fun and not realize that there is a lack of adult beverages

Radio -- One "pop" song per every 30 minutes of Armed Forces Network public service announcements and commercials explaining why they don't air commercials

Sand Script -- Writing your name in the sand (like snow)

Shower -- "Drain Baby" shooting range (flip-flops strongly recommended)

Six Pack -- Four door pick-up truck

Soft Porn -- Pictures of woman's ankles and wrist s or watching the Fashion Channel

Spank Tank -- See "Wack Shack"

Take the Cadillac for a Spin -- shitting

VD -- Another condition often suffered by "Desert Queens". Unfortunately, this condition is not cured by "Vitamin M"

Vitamin M -- 800mg Motrin horse pills; believed by Air Force doctors to cure everything from hysterical pregnancy to decapitation, it is part of every healthy airman's diet. If you find yourself unfortunate enough to suffer an ailment that "Vitamin M" won't cure, doctors recommend you (1) Go to Chapel (2) Make peace with God

Wack Shack -- A fortress of solitude made by draping blankets and towels around bottom bunk

Work -- A place you go to at a predetermined time, six times a week, for nine hours a day to burn CD's and send E-mail; Solitaire is optional

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