2 jokes for y'all.
Have a good weekend!
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next
> > when
> > his telephone rang.
> > "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
> > down
> > at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing
> > to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
> > "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
> > is
> > your army?"
> > "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "There is
> > meself, me
> > cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the
> > entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
> > Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in
> > my
> > army waiting to move on my command."
> > "Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
> > Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is
> > still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry
> > equipment!"
> > "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
> > "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
> > Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and
> > 14,000
> > armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my
> > army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."
> > "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
> > Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is
> > still
> > on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've
> > modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
> > cockpit,
> > and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as
> > well!"
> > Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
> > tell
> > you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter
> > planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided,
> > surface-to-air
> > missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased
> > my army to TWO MILLION!"
> > "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
> > Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I
> > am
> > sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
> > "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of
> > heart?"
> > "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,
> > and
> > decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
An old geezer in the old folks home took a fancy to an old
lady who is also staying at the home. One day he gets
enough courage to tell her he wants to make love to her.
She agrees that when everyone else is gone on a day trip,
they will stay behind and get to it. He goes to her room on
the day and asks her how she likes it. She says "I used to
like it when a man went down on me". He says he would
love to and goes for it. After about 30 seconds he comes
back up and says, "I'm sorry. I can't go on. It just smells
rotten down there". She says "It must be my arthritis". He
looks at her and says,
"Surely you can't get arthritis down there. And even if you
could it wouldn't cause that horrible smell". She says, "No,
my arthritis is in my shoulder. I can't wipe my ass".