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Britain Imposes Compulsory Draft For Iraq

Wed Feb 05, 2003 7:08 pm

And here is the call up letter.....

Notification Of Compulsory Enlistment

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth.
The regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after previous adventures in the Falklands and the Gulf, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone.
H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer RyanAir also do a nice little £9.99 trip.

Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
· Combat Jacket
· Trousers (preferably khaki - but, please, no denim)
· Tin helmet
· Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
· Gas mask
· Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey :2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
· Rifle
· Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
· Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank - Vickers Defence of Leeds are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last.
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
· The Guns of Navarone
· Kelly's Heroes
· A Bridge to Far
· The Longest Day
· Apocalypse Now
· The Matrix
· Blazing Saddles
· The Desert Song
· Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.

To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

Yours faithfully,

G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.

(A Bush/Blair Production)
Sponsored by Mars, the official snack of World War III
I used to think the brain is the most fascinating part of my body. But, hey, who is telling me that?
Posts: 1568
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2007 7:59 am

RE: Britain Imposes Compulsory Draft For Iraq

Wed Feb 05, 2003 10:04 pm


"Marry Poppins" for combat training


Posts: 2319
Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2003 12:39 pm

RE: Britain Imposes Compulsory Draft For Iraq

Thu Feb 06, 2003 11:45 am

Funny .
Posts: 1077
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2001 8:39 am

RE: Britain Imposes Compulsory Draft For Iraq

Thu Feb 06, 2003 4:19 pm

I have been receiving a lot of those Nigerian begging letters recently.
Here is the latest. A scam surely.

From: Dr. Uba Jega.
Satellite Tel: 874-762-918-985.
Satellite Fax: 874-762-918-986.


Strictly Confidential & Urgent Business Proposal.

Re: Transfer Of Usd $21,500.000{Twenty - One Million, Five Hundred Thousand Us Dollars Only.

I am a member of the Federal Government Of Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (N.N.P.C).
Sometime ago, a contract was awarded to a foreign firm in the Petroleum Trust Fund (P.T.F.) BY MY COMMITTEE.

This contract was over invoiced to the tune of us$ 21.5Million Dollars. This was done delibrately. The over - invoicing was a deal by my committee to benefit from the project.

We not want to transfer this money, which is in a suspense account with the P.T.F. into any oversea account, which we expect you to provide for us.


60 % of the money would be for my partners and I.
30 % of the money would be yours, for providing us with logistics, which, would include a safe bank account, where we shall facilitate funds transfer into, as soon as documentations are concluded over here.
10 % of the money has been mapped out from the total sum to cover any expenses that might be incurred during the course of the transaction, (both local and international expenses).

If interested in assisting us, please contact me via my secured email address, as soon as possible (drubajega1@hknetmail.com) or my secured satellite tel/fax number, specially procured for this project.

It may interest you to know that a similar transaction was carried out with one Mr. Patrice Miller, President of Crane International Trading Corp., of 153 East 57th St., 28th floor, N.Y.10022, Telephone: 212-308-7788 and Telex: 6731689. The deal was concluded and all covering documents, forwarded to Mr. Miller to authenticate the claims. Once the funds were transferred, Mr. Miller presented to his bank, all the legal documents and remitted the whole funds to another bank account, and disappeared completely. My colleagues and I were shattered, since such opportunities are not easy to come by.

Please, if you are interested in assisting us carry out to the fullest capacity, this transaction, we would require the following information from you which would enable us make formal application to the various ministries / parastatals, for the release and onward transfer of the money to your account.

1.Your Full Name, Company's Name, Address, Telephone and Fax Numbers.
2.Your Bank Name, Address. Telephone and Fax Number.
3.Your Bank Account Number and Beneficiary Name - You must be the signatory.

Please, note that we have strong and reliable connections at the Central Bank Of Nigeria and other Government Parastatals, hence assistance in this regards, would not be a problem.
At the conclusion of this transaction, we shall use same contacts to withdraw all documents used in the course of this, to avoid any trace whatsoever that may ever arise, to you or to us, now and in the nearest possible future.

It might also interest you to know that we are mere civil servants who do not want to miss this opportunity, hence, we want this money transferred out, as soon as possible, before the newly democratically elected government ever think of making enquiries as regards the various activities of the past military government.

Kindly contact me as soon as possible, whether or not you are interested in this deal, so that whereby you are not interested, it would give us more room to scout for another partner. But if you are interested, kindly contact me via above email, telephone or fax, so that we can swing into action, as time is not on our part.

I wait in anticipation of your fullest co-operation.
Yours Faithfully,

Dr. Uba Jega.

But then i got this one, Makes me think i have been missing out somewhere



Dear Sir/Madam,

I am George Walker Bush, son of the former President of the
United States of America George Herbert Bush, and currently
serving as President of the United States of America. This
letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in
person nor by correspondence. I came to know of you in my
search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very
confidential business transaction, which involves the
transfer of a huge sum of money to an account requiring
maximum confidence.

I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek
your assistance in acquiring oil funds that are presently
trapped in the Republic of Iraq. My partners and I solicit
your assistance in completing a transaction begun by my
father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction
of petroleum in the United States of America, and bravely
served his country as director of the United States Central
Intelligence Agency.

In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then
Vice-President of the United States of America, sought to
work with the good offices of the President of the Republic
of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources in the
neighbouring Islamic Republic of Iran. This unsuccessful
venture was soon followed by a falling out with his Iraqi
partner, who sought to acquire additional oil revenue
sources in the neighbouring Emirate of Kuwait, a
wholly-owner US-British subsidiary.

My father re-seecured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991
at a cost of sixty-one billion US dollars ($61,000,000,000).
Out of that cost, thirty-six billion dollars
($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the
Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and other Persian Gulf monarchies,
and sixteen billio dollars ($16,000,000,000) by German and
Japanese partners. But my father's former Iraqi business
partner remained in control of the Republic of Iraq and its
petroleum reserves.

My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding
the removal of the President of the Republic of Iraq and
acquiring the petroleum assets of his country, as
compensation for removing him from power. Unfortunately,
our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the
burden of this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may
cost the sum of one hundred billion to two hundred billion
dollars ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), both in the
initial acquisition and long-term management.

Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be
able to acquire the oil revenue trapped within Iraq. That
is why my family and our colleagues are urgently seeking
your gracious assistance. Our distinguished colleagues in
this business transaction include the sitting Vice-President
of the United States of America, Richard Cheney, who is an
original partner in the Iraq venture and former head of the
Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice, whose
professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in
the naming of a Chevron oil tanker after her.

I would beseech you to transfer a sum equalling ten to
twenty-five percent (10-25 %) of your yearly income to our
account to aid in this important venture. The Internal
Revenue Service of the United States of America will
function as our trusted intermediary. I propose that you
make this transfer before the fifteenth (15th) of the month
of April.

I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make
anyone apprehensive and worried. But I am assuring you that
all will be well at the end of the day. A bold step taken
shall not be regretted, I assure you. Please do be informed
that this business transaction is 100% legal. If you do not
wish to co-operate n this transaction, please contact our
intermediary representatives to further discuss the matter.

I pray that you understand our plight. My family and our
colleagues will be forever grateful. Please reply in strict
confidence to te contact numbers below.

Sincerely with warm regards,


Love both of the 'official letters' Cynical humour is not yet dead
Posts: 4548
Joined: Tue Nov 06, 2001 12:06 am

RE: Britain Imposes Compulsory Draft For Iraq

Thu Feb 06, 2003 7:50 pm

The Hoon and the Bush letters are great, long live cynism.

Not cynical, but also a great text:

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

[Edited 2003-02-06 11:51:20]

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