Posts: 1034
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2001 8:39 am

Paddys War

Tue Feb 18, 2003 6:50 am

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when
his telephone rang. A heavily Irish-accented voice said, "Hello, Mr Hussein.
This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring war on you."

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news. How big is
your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me
cousin Sean, me next-door neighbour, Seamus, and the darts team from the
pub. That makes eight of us."

Saddam paused, then replied, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one
million men in my army, just waiting on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

The next day, Saddam's phone rang again. Paddy said, "The war is still on,
Mr Hussein. We have managed to acquire some armoured equipment."

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" asked Saddam.

"Well," Paddy replied, "We have two combines, a bulldozer and Murphy's farm

Saddam sighed, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000
armoured personnel carriers. I have also increased the size of my army to 1
½ million men since we spoke yesterday."

"Saints preserve us," said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

The next day, Paddy rang again. He said, "Mr Hussein, the war is still on.
We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified Harrigan's
ultra-light and fitted it with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit and four
of the boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well."

Saddam was silent for a moment and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you
Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military
compounds are guarded by laser-guided surface-to-air missiles. Also, since
we last spoke I have increased my army to 2 million men."

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" Paddy exclaimed. 'I'll have to call you back."

The following day, Paddy called again. "Top o' the morning to ye, Mr
Hussein," he said. "I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call
the war off."

"I am sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, said Paddy, "we've all had a long talk over a few pints down at the
pub and we've decided that there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

Posts: 1034
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2001 8:39 am

RE: Paddys War

Tue Feb 18, 2003 6:51 am

ROMANCE MATHS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman =
affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb
employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss +
dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1
for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she
gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A
successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him
a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a
lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a
man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at

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