This is all from one episode.
Back at Moe's Tavern, a man in a top hat with a mustache walks in. He
looks and sounds like Homer, only he has a British accent.
Guy: Greetings, good men. Might I trouble you for a drink?
Moe: Oh, get out of here, Homer.
Guy: Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito.
[he gets beaten up and tossed out, unconscious]
Homer: [walks up, looks at Guy] [gasps] Oh my God! This man is my exact
double. [gasps] Oh my God! That dog has a puffy tail!
[he chases it, giggling] Here, Puff! Here, Puff!
Homer's quest takes him to the airport.
Homer: The last bar in Springfield...if they don't let me in
here, I'm going to have to quit drinking!
Homer's liver: Yay!
Homer: Shut up, liver! [punches it] Ow! My liver hurts...
[walks in] I'd like a beer, please.
Bartender: Uh, sorry, you gotta be a pilot to drink in here.
Homer: Um, but I _am_ a pilot.
Bartender: Where's your uniform?
Homer: Um...I stowed it safely in the overhead compartment.
Bartender: Well, you talk the talk. Here's a loaner. [gives him a
Here is my favorite.
A man bursts in, breathless.
Man: We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City?
[pilots all go, "Oh, I'll go!", "Me", "I'm your man", etc.]
Man: Conditions are a little windy.
[pilots all go, "Well", "I dunno", "Never mind", etc.]
Man: [to Homer] You!
Homer: [now dressed as a pilot] But I --
Man: Hey...you're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink
here, are you?
Homer: Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here.
Man: [laughs] You fly boys, you crack me up.
Homer: [being pushed into the cockpit] But I keep telling you I'm not a
Man: And I keep telling you you fly boys crack me up!
-- "Fear of Flying"
Alan: Hi, I'm Alan. I'm your copilot.
Homer: Uh, yeah, uh, hmm. Er, uh, as a change of pace, I'm going to let
you do most of the work. I think you're ready for it, Alan.
[Alan makes a face]
And, um, I'll just get us started.
[flips a switch randomly]
Alan: Uh, we'll need that to live.
[Homer flips another switch; the wheels retract and the plane
smashes into the runway]
Homer: So, Marge, pretty sweet, eh?
Marge: Hmm. Oh, I forgot to clean the lint basket in the dryer. If
someone broke into the house and did laundry, it could start a
[a baby starts crying]
Bart: Oh, great. I specifically asked not to be seated next to a baby.
[camera pulls back to reveal Maggie crying]
Abe: [looking out window] Wow...we must be _really_ flying high!
Those people down there look all tiny and blurry...just like the
inside of a cataract.
-- Conversation while the plane is on the ground, "Fear of Flying"
Stewardess: [over PA] Attention passengers. Due to our policy of
overselling flights, this flight has been oversold. In
accordance with FAA rules, the first two people to the front
will be upgraded to first class.
[everyone rushes madly; Bart and Lisa climb over everyone]
, you two!
Lisa: Come on, Bart! They're going to pamper us!
Lisa: Not _literally_, of course.
[in first class, someone fills Bart's martini glass with
Bart: I come for the service, [sigh] but I stay for the leg room.
[Lisa roasts marshmallows over a mini-fire on her tray]
-- "Fear of Flying"
The pilot announces, "Flight crew, prepare for takeoff." Marge starts
hyperventilating and shredding a napkin. When the seatbelt sign comes
on, she panics.
Marge: [panicked] I think I'll go get a picture of the plane taking off.
[struggles with her seat belt]
Homer: Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Is it
gas? It's gas, isn't it?
Marge: Homer, I've never told you this before, but I'm not a good flyer.
[pants, gasps] I have to get off the plane. Let me off the
plane. [stands up] I'm asking you nicely to open the doors!
Homer: Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good?
Marge: [screaming] Let me off let me off let me off let me off let me
off let me off -- [runs up and down the aisle]
[the plane takes off as the family watches]
Homer: It's OK
, Marge. We don't need to go on a trip; we'll just wait
for the killer bees to come to us.
-- Homer, consoling, "Fear of Flying"
[End of Act One. Time: 8:33]
The family unpack their suitcases at home.
Bart: You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something...
Abe: [still on the plane] Aaaaah!
The family finally get on a plane together.
Homer: Don't worry about a thing, honey. I'm going to help you through
[he and Marge sit down; some noises occur]
Those are all normal noises. Luggage compartment closing...cross
checking...just sit back and relax.
[shot from outside the plane]
That's just the engine powering up...that's just the engine
[the plane drives off the runway into a swamp]
That's just a carp swimming around your ankles...