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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2001 8:39 am

Thursdays Chuckles

Thu May 01, 2003 7:20 am

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for social
security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to
verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He
told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet
at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots
of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she
processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at
the social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability too."

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for
her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight
machines that tells your fortune.

So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that
said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago,

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells
everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the
machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you
weigh 128lbs you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, for I have never played a
musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From nowhere, a
Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up
the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've
got to try it again."

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It
said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and
you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've
never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off
the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself,
"This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again." She went back to the
machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you have fiddled and farted around
and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!"

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor."
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits. Ten seconds
later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm
in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some
oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack
hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs rings.
6. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

 Smile means a smile and

 Sad is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by

 Smile/happy/getting dizzy and

:-( respectively.

Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass


1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. If anybody
cares how you dance, feel sorry for them. They need to get a life and learn
how to have fun. And notice that people who dance and cut loose once in a
while, usually live longer.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear compelling reason
why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

19. Don't think that because a person is having fun, they are drinking to
excess. Some people have fun naturally given the moment and you need to find
out how they do it.

20. Your friends love you anyway. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try
something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of
professionals built the Titanic.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch:
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"

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