There are a lot of folks who can't understand how it came to be
that there is an oil shortage in the USA.
Well, there's a very simple answer:
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
They just didn't know that they were getting low.
The reason for this is purely geographical...
All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Wyoming, New Mexico, Alaska.
All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days.Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day,
resting.He inquired of God :-"Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh
of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.
"Look Michael, look what I've made." Said God.
Archangel Michael look puzzled and said :-"What is it?"
"It's a planet" replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.""Balance?" inquired
Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of
Earth. "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth while South America is going to be poor, The Middle East over there
will be a hot spot while Russia, over there, will be freezing. Over there I
placed a continent of white people and over there I have a continent of
Black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one
will be extremely arid and hot while this one will be cold and covered in
The Archangel, impressed by gods work, then pointed to a small land mass
and said "What's this one then?". "Ah" said god, "That's Britain, the most
glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers,
streams,mountains and hills. The people from Britain are going to be
modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found travelling
the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard-working and high
achieving,and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace and stability."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed
"What about BALANCE God? You said there will be BALANCE!!!!!"
God replied wisely
"Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in France!!"
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe fell into water.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three
axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
One day while the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again
appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is
this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is a lie!!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.! It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You
would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no'
to her, You would thirdly come up with my wife, and I would say
'yes,' and then all three would be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor
man and I would not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's
why I said yes the first time."
The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honourable
Mr Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip of a
very tall tree He shouted, "Good morning Mr Crow." Mr Crow shouted back
down, "Good morning Mr Rabbit."
Mr Rabbit shouted up, "Watcha doin today?" And the answer shouted back was,
"Absolutely nothinq Mr Rabbit-absolutely nothing and loving it"
Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr Rabbit, so he shouted back up, "Do you
think I could do that too?" Mr Crow shouted back down, "I don't see why
not!" So, Mr Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing
30 minlltes later a fox came along and ate the rabbit
The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing,
but only if you are really high up.
THINGS ONLY A MOTHER CAN
1. My Mother taught me ANTICIPATION. I! Just wait until your father gets
2. My Mother taught me LOGIC. I!lf you fallout of that swing and break your
neck, your not going shopping with me."
3. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. I!lf you don't stop crossing your
they are going to freeze that way."
4. My Mother taught me HUMOUR. I!When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
5. My Mother taught me how to become an ADUL T. I!lf you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."
6. My Mother taught me about SEX. .'How do you think you got here?"
7. My Mother taught me about GENETICS. I!You're just like your father."
8. And the favourite...JUSTICE. I!One day you'll have kids, and I hope they
just like you. ...then you'll see what it's like.
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most
One of the kids pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of
a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very
So, little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap
because supply exceeds demand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears
that this is true.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
Brain cells come and go, but fat cells live for ever. Life not only begins
at forty, it also begins to show.
A fanatic is a person who is highly enthusiastic about something in which
you are not even remotely interested.
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up.
Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A
senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers
claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the
officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He
looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you
didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought
his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out
on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I
bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it
with the insurance money!"
"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with
the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,"Irving, remember that
blow job I promised you?
Here it comes.