Look at the Pickle that the pickle people have put you in!
Pickles will kill you. Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death. Amazingly, the thinking man has failed to grasp the significance of the term "in a pickle". Although leading horticulturists have long said that Cucamis Sativus possesses Indehiscent Pepto, the pickle industry continues to expand.
Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. Eating them breeds wars and Communism. They can be related to most airline tragedies. Auto accidents are caused by pickles. There exists a positive relationship between crime waves and consumption of this fruit of the curcubit family. For example:
Nearly all sick people have eaten pickles; therefore, the effects are obviously cumulative.
Of all the people who die from cancer, 99% have eaten pickles.
100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles; therefore, pickles must be related to wars.
98.8% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
99.7% of all the people involved in the air and auto accidents ate pickles within 14 days preceding the tragedy.
93.1% of all juvenile delinquents come from homes where pickles are served frequently.
Evidence points to some startling long term effects of pickle eating:
Of all the people born in 1865 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
All pickle eaters born between 1890 and 1900 have wrinkled skin, brittle bones, have lost most of their teeth and are afflicted by failing eyesight... if the ills that come from eating pickles have not already resulted in their death.
Even more convincing is the report from a noted team of medical specialists. They found that rats which were force-fed with 20 pounds of pickles per day developed bulging abdomens. It was further noted that the rat's appetites for wholesome food was completely destroyed.
Guys, we know that cigarettes can kill, the same is true for pickles. We need to ban pickles now for our health and the health of our kids. We did it with cigarettes, we can do it with this bastard stepchild of the Cucumber!