JGPH1A
Topic Author
Posts: 15080
Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:36 pm

The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Mon Aug 16, 2004 8:29 pm

Somebody sent me this be email, it may have done the rounds already, but I nearly fell off my chair laughing - enjoy.


"TEXAS CHILI COOKOFF"
 
(If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!   *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!  For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.  It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
 
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named "FRANK", who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:
 
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."
 
Here are the scorecards from the event:
 
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
 
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
 
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer.
 
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is
starting to look HOT ... . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
 
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!
 
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb!
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
 
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
 
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
 
Young and beautiful and thin and gorgeous AND BANNED ! Cya at airspaceonline.com, losers
 
gkirk
Posts: 23346
Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2000 3:29 am

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Mon Aug 16, 2004 9:34 pm

ROFLMAO  Big thumbs up  Laugh out loud

"I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics."
 Laugh out loud
When you hear the noise of the Tartan Army Boys, we'll be coming down the road!
 
MYT332
Posts: 7283
Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2003 7:31 pm

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 12:10 am

Funny thing is Gkirk wasn't quoting anyone then, he was just telling us about his Saturday nights.  Laugh out loud
One Life, Live it.
 
Tom in NO
Posts: 6725
Joined: Thu Nov 11, 1999 10:10 am

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 12:12 am

Hilarious!!!

Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?


Reminds me of the commercial some time ago where there's a samll group in a restaurant, and one gets the chili. He promptly requires about a gallon of water, to which the waitress comments, "wow, and that was the mild chili."

Tom at MSY
"The criminal ineptitude makes you furious"-Bruce Springsteen, after seeing firsthand the damage from Hurricane Katrina
 
DfwRevolution
Posts: 8574
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 7:31 pm

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 12:21 am

There's a beer commercial where this dude and his girlfriend are at some chili house in Lousiana that's famous for its spicy chili. The man orders the hottest chili and the waiter promtly suggest the milder flavor. The man insist and his girlfriend rolls her eyes. Their food arrives, the guy digs in. He takes one bite then starts screaming and crying and rolling on the floor. The girlfriend turns to the waiter and says "that was the mild wasn't it," and the waiter replies "yup."
 
b757300
Posts: 3914
Joined: Fri Dec 15, 2000 10:27 pm

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 12:40 am

Always good for a laugh.
"There is no victory at bargain basement prices."
 
Tom in NO
Posts: 6725
Joined: Thu Nov 11, 1999 10:10 am

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 12:46 am

Dfwrev, that's the one (thanks for clearing up my very vague recollection)!!!

Tom at MSY
"The criminal ineptitude makes you furious"-Bruce Springsteen, after seeing firsthand the damage from Hurricane Katrina
 
photolppt
Posts: 531
Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 6:17 pm

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 1:21 am

I've tasted spicy chilly before, but this one is a killer  Smile/happy/getting dizzy

Excelent post, JGPH1A, made me laugh through out my boring afternoon of work!

regards
Luis
 
slider
Posts: 6806
Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2004 11:42 pm

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 2:53 am

Great post!! *LOL*

Seriously though, did anyone else hear about the guy who won one of the bigger national chili contests by taking a little bit from each of the contestants, put it all together and won!?  Smile
 
Klaus
Posts: 20594
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2001 7:41 am

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 3:35 am

That brings back memories of that infamous weapon-grade "bamboo salad" (or at least that was its menu camouflage) that a friend of mine once ordered in a thai restaurant...

He was usually quite fire-proof, but that monstrosity did him in. We all tasted - very, very cautiously - and finally determined that it was indeed unfit for human consumption. It had looked quite innocent, at first...  Acting devilish
 
SWA TPA
Posts: 1454
Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2001 6:10 am

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 3:41 am

LOL ROFLMAO!!!!

"Need to wipe my ass with a snowcone" That about killed me! Havent we all been down that road!

SWA TPA
I believe I can fly.....
 
vaporlock
Posts: 3528
Joined: Sat May 19, 2001 9:22 am

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 11:52 am

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the laughs!! Big grin

SWA TPA, how are ya??? And yes.. I couldn't agree with you more!!!  Big thumbs up

Phyllis  Wink/being sarcastic
 
StevenUhl777
Posts: 3281
Joined: Sun Jul 08, 2001 11:02 am

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 1:07 pm

Classic.... Big grin

All Americans love our brothers and sisters from the east coast...hence the warm invitation them Texans gave this guy to be an honorable judge...

And the winner for best actress is....REESE WITHERSPOON for 'Walk the Line'!!!!!!!!
 
L-188
Posts: 29881
Joined: Wed Jul 07, 1999 11:27 am

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 1:12 pm

Good thing none of the contestants used Guatamaulan insanity peppers  Laugh out loud
OBAMA-WORST PRESIDENT EVER....Even SKOORB would be better.
 
KiwiNanday
Posts: 1334
Joined: Wed Aug 04, 2004 2:44 am

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 1:17 pm

I'm needed to check the front of my pants for wetspots after reading this... my God that was hilarious!

Why do they call it chili if its hot?
Silly Islamic extremists, it's just a cartoon!
 
CanadianNorth
Posts: 3133
Joined: Sat Aug 24, 2002 11:41 am

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 1:48 pm

Sounds like my chipdip... That chipdip is good but its strong stuff.


CanadianNorth
What could possibly go wrong?
 
JGPH1A
Topic Author
Posts: 15080
Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:36 pm

RE: The Texas Chili Cookoff - This Is Hysterical.

Tue Aug 17, 2004 5:49 pm

Re: Good thing none of the contestants used Guatamaulan insanity peppers

Grown by the inmates of an insane asylum off the coast of Guatemala...

Hehe - the Simpsons, world and mirror of worlds ! Homer Simpson is a GOD.
Young and beautiful and thin and gorgeous AND BANNED ! Cya at airspaceonline.com, losers

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