OK, this might look like a self-gloss because I'm going to ask for some pats on the back...
Because right now it's more like self-flagellation. I got a whole bunch of crap going on in my head.
I just got some really unhappy news: 1) it looks like I've lost eligibility for financial aid in the nursing school, just as I'm being faced by 2) major medical bills because I have cervical spondylosis.
Cervical spondylosis is the technical term for bone spurs in the beck region of the spine. Or something else putting pressure on my spinal cord in that area. I've had symptoms since I was in college, and they worsened to the point that I finally went to the doctor.
In a way getting diagnosed with this is a relief because I was beating up on myself for being so lazy (I felt like I couldn't walk up stairs or walk very well after getting up in the morning, but I thought it was just in my head.) That weakness comes from impaired transmission in my cord. Also, it explains why I've had bouts with unexplained severe pain accompanied by numbness (! yes, it can happen!) in my hands and feet, and been waking up with my pinky and ring fingers all curled up in my hand. And a couple of years ago, one of my best friends got a rude acquaintance with another symptom - hyperreflexia. She touched my arm from behind me and I hit her so hard she had a fist-sized bruise on her arm for two weeks. I beat up on myself for years for that, because she never treated me the same afterwards.
Anyway, I also got a few people calling me a bitter, closed-minded, selfish person... and even using my honesty about having OCD, they accuse me of being psychotic and angry. Yet when I come here, the most diverse board on which I participate, y'all seem to be the most accepting! I keep trying to remind myself that it's my family and friends who count the most, and I should be able to let things slide off my back, but this on-line world can go bad in an instant, to a horrifying degree. When did I start to seek my own self-worth through the approval of others?
Now I'm contradicting myself. Anyway, if you have any insight, post it here.