teahan
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How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 5:53 am

Hiya!

I have long suspected that a friend of mine (a Canadian living in Geneva) is gay. It has become even more obvious of late with him and another friend spending much time together, including most of this weekend.

I have no problem accepting his lifestyle choice but what I am unsure of is whether it is appropriate for me to acknowledge it or should I keep it under wraps since he obviously prefers to be in the closet about it.

Thanks for any advice.
Goodbye SR-LX MD-11 / 6th of March 1991 to the 31st of October 2004
 
Christa
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 6:09 am

Maybe he just has a male friend and secondly you don't have to say anything about it if you have no problem with him being gay..

Regards,

Christa
Croeso i Faes Awyr Rhyngwladol Caerdydd - Welcome to Cardiff International Airport
 
Klaus
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 6:12 am

It depends on how close you are on personal matters.
The usual rules regarding privacy apply.
 
B747-437B
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 6:34 am

I have long suspected that a friend of mine (a Canadian living in Geneva) is gay.

Not to be nosy or anything, but you wouldn't happen to mean Timmy would you? It would make a lot of sense though if you did. Just curious to know who his lucky boyfriend is....
"The A340-300 may boast a long range, but the A340 is underpowered" -- Robert Milton, CEO - Air Canada
 
AzoresLover
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 6:35 am

he obviously prefers to be in the closet about it

You gave yourself the answer. Why do you have to bring it up at all, especially if you really do not have a problem with it? Let it be...don't possibly embarrass him needlessly if he doesn't bring it up first.

Just be the same kind of friend you always have...bringing up this fact or suspicion to him is a non-issue. I can see no good reason to do so.

Live and let live.

(I'm wondering why you would feel you would have to bring it up in the first place. What's in it for you?)
Those who want to do something will find a way; those who don't will find an excuse.
 
jasepl
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 7:14 am

Take it from one, Teahan, that if your friend is indeed gay, I'm sure that when (and if) he wants to let it be known, he will. It's a long process and one can not know what point he's at.

As you've already indicated, it doesn't really matter to you one way or the other. Just file your suspicion in the back of your mind - for future reference, of course  Big grin - and keep going as you've been.

Whatever happens though, he's lucky to have a friend in you.
 
gigneil
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 7:54 am

You may, over a few (ten) cocktails, mention it to him privately... but I wouldn't make a public deal of it.

When I was younger, a lot of what helped me come out of the closet was friends that were both direct about it, as well as understanding.

N
 
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yyz717
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 9:51 am

Don't do or say anything. If/when he decides to tell you, he will let you know. Maybe you' re reading the situation wrong anyway. Ultimaitely, what difference does it make?

I have gay friends, str8 friends (at least 2 of whom i think are bi), apparently axexual friends (who may be str8, gay, bi or who knows), and other friends who I choose not to ponder over.

Everyone is a private person to some degree.....let him tell you in his own time, or not.

Maybe he is str8 but in a discreet relationship wth a guy -- it does happen. It does not mean he's gay or bi. Maybe he's just a very sexual person. May be a pan-sexual.

Remember -- it's all good as long as no one gets hurt.



[Edited 2004-10-31 02:02:38]
I dumped at the gybe mark in strong winds when I looked up at a Porter Q400 on finals. Can't stop spotting.
 
gigneil
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 10:03 am

Remember -- it's all good as long as no one gets hurt.

Can't have all that pleasure without just a little bit of pain, you know?

 Smile/happy/getting dizzy

N
 
seb146
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 10:54 am

If he has never brought up the subject, then why should you? Don't make an issue of it. Just let it go and (as said before) when he is ready, he will say something.

GO CANUCKS!!
Life in the wall is a drag.
 
sccutler
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 12:29 pm

Good advice above- unless you are interested in (1) having a "special" relationship with him, or (2) setting him up with a woman for a date, then his sxl orientation matters not one whit to your friendship.

But something made you ask the question in the first place, so what's bothering you?

I had a situation with one of my best friends (he was in my wedding); after years of being very close (regardless of geographic remoteness), he became much more distant. It was my suspicion that he might have come out in his new home town but was afraid to admit it to the hometown crowd (I was unsure), so I finally came out and told him a funny story about my sister and her difficulty in telling our parents that she was gay. It gave him teh "opening" that he needed to level with me, which was great for me, since it gave *me* the chance to remind him that he was my friend a long time before sex meant a thing to me anyway, and that just was not an issue.

A friend's a friend. Treat him as such.
...three miles from BRONS, clear for the ILS one five approach...
 
N6376M
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 1:23 pm

Unless you're having sex with him why does it matter?

I would imagine that non-sexual things caused you guys to be friends - why should what either of you do in the privacy of your respective bed rooms matter?
 
IndianGuy
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 1:29 pm

Does it matter to you if he IS differently inclined? Does he become any less of a friend becuase of it? Then I dont see why you need to let it come between you!

 
gigneil
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 3:10 pm

Its not coming between them. Its helpful to know the preferences of your friends, not just with sex but all sorts of stuff.

If he's afraid to tell you, then you're also not going to be fully available to him to help him work out issues he might have.

Trust me, you will know when the moment is right to bring it up, discreetly, with him.

N
 
CanadianNorth
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 4:41 pm

"How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend?"

Easy. Unless they accually come to you and bring it up, deal with them the same as you would a straight person.





CanadianNorth
What could possibly go wrong?
 
ZKSUJ
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 5:32 pm

Just let them know that you are staright, and let them accept that. After that, it should be all OK.
 
teahan
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Sun Oct 31, 2004 11:31 pm

Thank you all for your valuable replies.

To those of you asking why I should bring it up, perhaps I didn't make this clear enough at first, but both he and and 'his friend' are friends of mine. They are always having to make up ridiculous excuses why they are together again or spending the weekend at each other's place or whatever. At times I almost feel like a schoolteacher listening to some long-winded excuse from a 10 year old kid and I don't think it is doing anyone any good. Maybe he/they fear I would be judgemental if they told me?

I think friendships are at least partially built on honesty.

@B747-437B: I don't see how how it isat all relevant to the topic at hand.
Goodbye SR-LX MD-11 / 6th of March 1991 to the 31st of October 2004
 
AzoresLover
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Mon Nov 01, 2004 12:40 am

Teahan -

Now that you say there's a third person involved and you are all friends, it puts a new light on it. I'm certainly no counselor, and I have never been in a situation like you describe. If I can read between the lines a bit, I'm thinking that you may feel that you are losing a valuable friend, you think it may be because he doesn't want to "come out" to you, and you aren't sure how to let him know that his lifestyle would have no effect on your being friends with him.

If he is making up these excuses often to exclude you from being with him, you may at some point want to mention to him that sometimes you feel that he is trying to avoid you, or not include you in his plans, and that it sort of hurts you at times because you really value his friendship. (Something along that line.) That would possibly open the line of communication for him, and how he responds to you would be your signal as to how to proceed.

You might want to stress to him, if he still seems reluctant to talk, and seems evasive, that if there is some reason that he doesn't want to talk to you about anything, let him know that no matter what it may be, no matter what is on his mind, it would not possibly affect your friendship. Just let him know that you value him, and if there is something you could help him with, or something he would like to talk over with you, you are there for him.

I can't tell you that you should bring up your suspicion yourself, but if he should sort of start the topic, I think it would be very helpful to easing his fears that you could admit to him that you have suspected this, but didn't want to say anything because you value his friendship, and didn't know how to tell him that it would make no difference in your friendship, that you didn't want to lose him.

Maybe the relationship among the three of you could then continue on a new plane, with understanding all around.

Again, I'm not a trained counselor at all, these are just my gut feelings as to how to handle it. Since it affects you this way, and involves a 3rd person, I would be in favor of you talking to your friend as I've outlined above.

I was a public school teacher for many years, and have dealt with many situation of students in their teens. There's a certain wisdom that comes from that over the years, and that's what I'm calling on in my advice to you.

There is a problem here, it is bothering you, and for good reason now that I know there's a 3rd person involved, and you are feeling excluded by them. Hopefully you can do something about it before it eats you up, or you lose a friendship needlessly because he doesn't know how you'd react. That would be the worst result of all.

Best of luck to you...good friendships are valuable. I hope you don't lose his.

And thank you for your put-down of B747-437B. It's none of his @#!!@#
business!!!

AzoresLover
Those who want to do something will find a way; those who don't will find an excuse.
 
flpuck6
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Mon Nov 01, 2004 1:50 am

Best thing to do now is to continue on without saying anything explicit.

I have straight friends and the topic does not necessarily come up in regular discussion.

Besides, if you're all good friends, why should it matter? (All petty excuses aside.)
Bonjour Chef!
 
cannikin
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Mon Nov 01, 2004 2:07 am

I wouldn't worry about how to deal with him. I'm sure he's suspected for quite some time that you might be straight. There are always signs. Obviously, if he's still coming around, he's dealt with it already and accepts you for the person you are. Although he may find the actual act itself unnatural and repulsive, he doesn't judge you.

You might actually have some interesting conversations if it was spoken of openly. Perhaps you can get his views on how heterosexuals destroy the sanctity of marriage, and other moral decay they cause.

 Nuts

"Maybe he/they fear I would be judgemental if they told me?"

In all honesty, I have to think that fear of losing a friend to intolerance is probably the main factor. Forgive me, being from the southern U.S., I don't have much room to talk, but a Scottish friend tells me that Ireland and Scotland are a bit intolerant towards homosexuals. I don't know if that's the case or not. Perhaps you could slip in a conversation, something about your indifference to someone's sexuality as far as friendships go, or something similar.

Hope I could help!
Cannikin

[Edited 2004-10-31 18:14:30]
 
vaporlock
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Mon Nov 01, 2004 7:16 am

Teahan, friendship is something to treasure! Enjoy what you have and don't worry about all the other crap! If he feels it is necessary to discuss this with you then he will, if not then he won't.... one way or the other it shouldn't change your friendship with him!!!  Big thumbs up

Like most other people, I have friends who are gay and bi..... I could care less. They are my friends and it doesn't matter what their sexual preference is... friendship is friendship. Big grin

Phyllis  Wink/being sarcastic
 
redngold
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Mon Nov 01, 2004 9:31 am

I try to deal calmly and respectfully with all of my friends regardless of any disagreements we have about each other's choices and behavior. Some of my gay and lesbian friends have come to realize that I don't support homosexuality; the majority of them realize that it doesn't mean I hate them.

I try to do the same with all acquaintances anyway... Right now I am working in a very liberal, do-as-you-please environment, and Issue 1 in Ohio is causing tension (it's a defense-of-marriage state constitutional amendment.) It has been a reminder to me, to treat everyone with a modicum of respect, regardless of what I know or don't know about them -- because it will help them understand that I am not a hateful person out on a vendetta.


redngold
Up, up and away!
 
aa61hvy
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Mon Nov 01, 2004 9:34 am

Indianguy- Best post I've seen from you.
---

Don't let a minor thing like that change your opinion of someone. Sure it may be weird at first but you will realize he is the same guy he was five years ago.

I mean look at me and JCS, he's gay and he is still a good friend of mine  Big grin
Go big or go home
 
September11
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Mon Nov 01, 2004 10:14 am

Everyone is always curious of each other. Men do feel for men. Women do feel for women. Some never do it sexually. Some do it sexually.

Some men do feel for men but can not do it sexually with men. I know that some men have sexual fantansies about men while having sex with women.

It's complicated but the truth (honesty) is better now than ever. People need to be honest. Today more people want to face the truth about their sexual preferences - so that they will feel better about themselves.

I've noticed more bisexual people coming out because of people being more open-minded about them.
Airliners.net of the Future
 
luv2fly
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Mon Nov 01, 2004 11:40 am

I think that AzoresLover has given you the best advise. And I would seriously listen and follow what he said to you.
You can cut the irony with a knife
 
L104me
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Mon Nov 01, 2004 11:41 am



I think if this is someone who is a good friend that you should at least let him know that you would be comfortable if he was gay.

When I was younger, I was having real issues with being gay and it created a lot of problems for me. But later, when coming out to friends, etc. They were very supportive. It would have helped me to know that my friends would have been there for me while I was going through this difficult stage of life. I could have come out years earlier and avoided a lot of personal pain, as well as not put on a facade for SO long.

As far as being a friend, do nothing different than what you do now. I have several very close straight friends and we do the same things today that we did before I came out. Your friend is still your friend, his likes, dislikes, etc don't change.

Good luck to both of you!

 
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ClassicLover
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Mon Nov 01, 2004 12:35 pm

Teahan,

Regarding your comment about friendships should be based on honesty... it seems that you're just a little bit hurt by the fact that they're spending so much time together and as a result less time with you.

If they are in some kind of romantic relationship, this does tend to happen - the two people starting the relationship do more with each other for a period of time, it's just how it is.

I imagine all will be okay down the track, and there is lots of good advice on this thread for you to think on as well.

Cheers,

Trent.
I do quite enjoy a spot of flying - more so when it's not in Economy!
 
jmc1975
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Mon Nov 01, 2004 4:06 pm

I am straight male with a conservative worldview and I have a friend who is gay. His lifestyle is not a topic of our conversation nor does it need to be. I do not condone the gay lifestyle nor can I see how anyone can be gay. My friend understands that and we have a deep mutual respect for eachother as people. There are so many other common (aviation-related, etc.) subjects we talk about. So my advice to your question is: if you don't want to discuss with your friend the details of his sexuality, don't. If he respects you, he'll recognize the boundaries of what is acceptable conversation to you.
.......
 
Big777jet
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Mon Nov 01, 2004 7:02 pm

I have a best friend from high school for over 20 years. I told my best friend I'm being a gay a few years ago. He accepts and no problem at all. We are still best friends. That's a good thing to have.


Stuart


 
gigneil
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Tue Nov 02, 2004 7:35 am

I do not condone the gay lifestyle nor can I see how anyone can be gay. My friend understands that and we have a deep mutual respect for eachother as people.

Those two sentences are in direct conflict.

You can't have a deep mutual respect for someone and not condone one of the cornerstones of their existence.

You should take the opportunity to learn more about his lifestyle, so that you will be able to condone it.

N

edited because i can't spell

[Edited 2004-11-01 23:36:47]
 
jmc1975
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Wed Nov 03, 2004 3:11 am

Neil,
With all due respect, those two sentences are NOT in conflict. It just states the truth of our friendship. I meant exactly what I said. It's pretty cut-and-dry...he likes guys instead of girls...the thought of two guys getting it on is repulsive to me... but, he likes planes and travelling and so do I. As far a "cornerstone of his existence", correct me if I'm wrong, but if it were not for the heterosexual relationship between a man and a woman, he would not exist at all. It's hard to be a friend to someone who has never existed. What more do I need to learn about the gay lifestyle other than the gorey details of his relationship being crammed down my throat. I don't cram my Christian and Biblical worldviews down his throat because that would be damaging to our friendship. But he is fully aware that I am Christian. If at anytime he would ask me how to develop a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, I would gladly share....all the barriers would come down. Neil, I'm not trying to knock you, I'm just laying it all out there with brutal honesty.
.......
 
ScarletHarlot
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RE: How A Straight Person Deals With A Gay Friend

Wed Nov 03, 2004 3:37 am

Teahan, am I understanding you right that you don't feel left out or anything but just want to have all the sneaking around and fibbing stop? I have had that with hetero friends getting together but thinking that it would hurt me and so feeling that they had to hide it from me. It got really silly. I just talked to them, but then, that's not something you can necessarily do in your case since you are not sure your friend is gay.

I like the advice in several posts, to talk about hypothetical things that let your friend know that if he is gay that you are supportive of him...of both of them. If he doesn't take the bait, either you can ask straight out (which may be good, as Neil said) or just wait. Either way, you are a good friend, and your friend is lucky to have you.
But that was when I ruled the world

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