1. You can't board the plane unless you have the correct change.
2. A passenger from the previous flight has locked herself in the toilet and is hysterically refusing to come out.
3. Before you take off, the cabin crew come round and tell you to fasten your velcro.
4. The captain berates the first officer for having lost the crank handle.
5. The captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for petrol.
6. The captain yells at the ground crew to get all the sheep off the runway.
7. You ask the captain how often their planes crash and he replies 'just the once.'
8. There's no in-flight movie, but your life flashes before your eyes.
9. The bloke next to you is reading that book about the plane crash in the Andes and how the survivors ate each other.
Tower: N3224 are you a cessna?
Pilot: No, Im a male Hispanic.
A plane took off from Sydney airport. After it reached comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight 293, from Sydney to Perth. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit back and relax - oh my god!'
Shortly after, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
At the rear of economy, a man muttered, 'You should see the back of mine.'
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to Houston.
'I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London,' she told the agent.
The confused agent said, 'I'm sorry , we can't do that.'
Really? I am so relieved to hear that because that's exactly what you did with my luggage last year!'