Well guys, here I am again. First of all a happy new year to all of you and all the best for 2005.
Some of you asked me to keep you updated on what´s going on, and after reading all above messages I slightly hesitated to tell you what I´m going to tell. But first of all you all have my most sincere gratitude for all your posts and views and support, it might sound weird not knowing you but everything helps in situations like these.
I am in the process of finalizing the most difficult decision I ever had to make in my life. To answer the question you all have: I have chosen for the new life and moved in with my new girlfriend. The reason I hesitated to tell was that most of you adviced me to stay with my now ex-girlfriend, but in the end it was me who had to take the decision and I hope I didn´t take the wrong one. I might have, time will have to tell that and I will have deserved it in that case, and as I said it was extremely hard and something I wouldn´t hope to experience again. I tried to push away the feelings and think logically, but found out that my weakness took over.
It was the longest and loneliest holiday / family reunion in Turkey ever. I barely slept, thought a lot and most of all wrote a lot, as that´s for me the best way to get my thoughts on a row and express my feelings.
Then came the day of the decision, and I had to call my girlfriend in Holland to tell her. I decided to ask her not to come back to Spain as planned, so that I could be totally alone for a while to meditate on the situation. But she denied this and was positive she wanted to come back anyway.
So we met at the airport as planned, drove home in silence, and then I told her I would not stay with her that night... her last hope of not losing me in the end and making me change my mind vanished. I drove around for hours and hours and had difficulties to think clearly. The next afternoon, which was yesterday, I went back to her to cry and to talk. We both cried like never before, I never knew that love could hurt so much. I made clear that she wasn´t to be blamed for anything, neither the woman who stole my heart. I was the guilty one and I made the final decision. She has all the right to be angry with me. She has given me so much in the past 7 years and we had a wonderful time together. Also the last two years in Spain were very special, having bought a dream house and her having started a bed & breakfast as she always wanted. After calming down a bit I read her some letters I had written the days before, which was very relieving for both of us. I kept my promise of always taking care of her and will make sure she ends up ok. She is the one who has to decide to stay in Spain or go back to Holland. If she stays, I will continue to support her financially, she can stay in our house (which is only on my name) and I´ll make sure she has sufficient funds to live with. I´ll also try to get her many guests for her b&b. If she goes, I´ll make sure she manages to settle down again and that all her belongings get to her new home too.
Our relationship is even so special that breaking up was maybe "easier" than expected, because we didn´t fight. I never broke up a relationship before and didn´t know what to expect, but instead of me being kicked out of the house and a suitcase thrown to my head, we had a good cry and a very good talk about it, where we even started to plan both our future lives. She says I´ll stay in her heart forever and can come back if my new life doesn´t work out well, and I asked her to open her heart in case any other special person walks by.
Either way, I am very lucky to get the best present ever: she wants to stay friends with me, and being who she is, we´ll not be just friends but best friends, where despite of the situation we know we can still count on each other in difficult times. She´ll always stay in my heart, wherever she is, this is what real friendship is, in good times and in bad times.
And my new girlfriend has promised me to support me and give her understanding whenever I need it regarding my broken love, without which I could never have chosen for her... She´ll help me in any way she can, and above all trust me always. Maybe even we all could get together in a future as friends, but time will tell if and when that´s possible.
Now comes the practical part regarding my stuff: what to take and what to leave? It´s my house and about half what´s there is mine, but there is no possibility to take everything to my new home. So for now I´ll take what I need, and told her to say me if there´s anything she doesn´t want there in case of sad or bad memories. It was so weird to put my stuff in a bag and take it out of my own house... If she decides to move away, and despite of the beautiful house it is, I´ll probably sell it and combined with my current gf´s house sell funds we´ll buy a bigger place together. But first of all I have to settle in my new life and new home, and pick up the rythm of live again.
Tears are coming back again so I´ll stop now I can still control myself.
Thanks again for all your help.