Today, March 17, I am IrishBoy, and this Irishman is wishin everyone a very Happy St. Paddy's Day. Tis a very special day in Eire, as celebrations remember the fact that St. Patrick, the patron sdaint of Eire, drove out the pagan snakes and brought Christianity to the emerald isle. Chruch bells will ring, communion will be given out, confessions heard, prayers said.........and then it's off to the pubs for a good old Irish pissup.
That said and out of the way, it's time for some Irish jokes and sayings. I hope everyone has the opportunity to raise a glass of green Guinness tonight
(or this morning, if you'd be Irish then!) and toast the magical land of Ireland, and its equally enchanting people. Ahem.
And what would a Guinness be without a proper Irish toast then?
"May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead."
And of course, Irish blessings.....
"Like the warmth of the sun
And the light of the day,
May the luck of the Irish
shine bright on your way."
"May the lilt of Irish laughter Lighten every load, May the mist of Irish magic Shorten every road, May you taste the sweetest pleasures That fortune ere bestowed, And may all your friends remember. All the favors you are owed."
"May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you."
OLD GAELIC PRAYER
Deep peace of the running waves to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the smiling stars to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the watching shepherds to you.
Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you.
Did you hear about the Irishman that put a condom on the wrong way round?
A guy walks into an Irish pub and announces to the barman, "Hey pal, I have some really good Irish jokes to tell you!" The barman leans over to him and says, "Listen, If I was you I would watch what you say. Both the bouncers are Irish, I'm Irish, in fact everyone in this place is Irish!" "Oh, that's Okay," replied the guy, "I will talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y!"
"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Paddy as he walked in on one crutch with one arm in a cast. "I got into an argument with Mick!" replied Paddy. "Mick? He's just a wee fellow," the barman said, surprised, "He must have had something in his hand!" "Aye...that he did!" replied Paddy, "A shovel it was!" "Dear lord.....didn't you have anything in your hand Paddy?" said the barman. "Aye, that I did, Mick's wife's tits!" Paddy said, "And a beautiful pair they were as well, but not much use in a fight!"
An Irishman was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the Irishman complained that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing with them," replied the Irishman, "shoving them up my arse?"
What's the logo for the new Irish tampon?
'We may not be No. 1, but we're still up there!!'
Have you heard that the Irish government have bought 1000 septic tanks?
As soon as they learn to drive them they are going to invade England!
An Irishman walks into his local bar and goes straight up to the bartender, who turns away in disgust at the handful of horseshit the Irishman is holding.
"Hey Harry," said the Irishman, "look what I almost stepped in!"
Pat was lying on his deathbed, moaning and carrying on.
"Mike," he says, "I know I'm a goner."
"Oh, Paddy, have faith, ye still have years ahead uv yuh."
"No, Mick, I'm finished an' you've been such a great friend, there's one thing I'd like yuh to do when I'm gone."
"Ahh, Paddy, I'll do anything you ask, I swear it to the Saints and the Holy Mother."
"Well, dear friend, I have been saving a jug of fine whiskey that my brother sent me from Cashel some eight years ago, and I would like you to pour it on me grave when I'm buried."
Mike sits silently for a long time and Pat asks again,
"will you o that for yer oldest friend, Mike?"
Mike draws a big breath and says, "Ye know I will Pat, but would ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?"
Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave?"
An Irishman was ordered from the swimming pool for pissing in the water.
"That's ridiculous!" said the Irishman, "You know that everybody does it!"
"That may be so," replied the lifeguard, "but usually not from the diving board!"
THE IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Artery: The study of Painting
Bacteria: Back door of a Cafeteria
Barium: What Doctors do when patients die
Bowel: A letter like A,E,I,O,U
Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat Scan: Search for kitty
Cauterise: Made eye contact with her
Coma: A punctuation mark
D&C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live longer
Enema: Not a friend
Fibula: A small lie
Genital: Not a Jew
G.I Series: A soldier ball game
Hangnail: Coat hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labour pain: Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff: Doctors cane
Morbid: A higher offer
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: A person who has fainted
Pap smear: A fatherhood test
Pelvis: A cousin to Elvis
Recovery room: Place to do upholstery
Rectum: Almost killed him
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: Roman Emperor
Tablet: A small table
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tumor: Another two
Urine: Opposite to "you're out"
The Irish were partying hard and therefore too drunk to end the alphabet.
IRISH AIRLINE PILOT
(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!." Mick says to Paddy; "No Problem...Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!
!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?"
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North"
"Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction."
Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One. Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says: "That was Brilliant...But...Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats". "Well!" said Mick...When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!"
IRISH CONFESSION (as told to Father O'Malley at St. Anthony's Church).
Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me." The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the Father."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??" "Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?" "I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and confess yer sins!
Michael Mullens was in court for non payment of maintenance to his ex wife. The judge decided to increase his wife's allowance. So he told Michael I have decided to increase this allowance and give your wife 50 Pounds per week. Michael replied "you're a gentleman sir, and I might even send her a few bob myself.
"May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks.
May your heart be as light as a song.
May each day bring you bright happy hours,
That stay with you all year long.
For each petal on the shamrock
This brings a wish your way
Good health, good luck, and happiness
For today and every day."