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A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 12:25 pm

First of all, if this topic starts to ramble, please forgive me, I'm writing as I think of things.

Last week, March 16 to be exact, my mother passed away. She had been sick for a very long time, I guess about 7 years since her first TIA(a mini-stroke). Since then there were many of the "mini-strokes" and about 4 "big" ones. Over the years, she deteriorated more and more, each time her speech got worse, she gradually lost the ability to walk and became confined to a wheelchair. She had scoliosis and couldn't sit up totally straight in her chair. It got so that I couldn't have conversations on the phone with her, I could only ask "yes" or "no" questions. That she handled OK for the most part. The very sad part of all of this was that while her body began to betray her, her mind always stayed extremely sharp. When I was able to be with her, we actually could do pretty good together. The only problem here was because I live in New York and she didn't, we only got to see each other when the schools were on break or in the summer. During our Feb. break, I had pneumonia so I could not go to Florida. The last time I got to see her before she went in the hospital was last August. In the hospital, while she was unconscious, she could hear me. When I was finally able to get to Florida and told her that I was there, she was able to squeeze my hand. I told her that my husband and son would be there the next day(they were in Colorado on a ski trip), she squeezed my hand again. They got there, she knew it! When we got to my brothers' house about 11:00 PM, and had just gotten ready for bed when the hospital called and said that we should come back right away. We did and about 1:00 AM she passed away. My feeling was that she was just waiting for all of her kids to get there(my brother, sister-in-law, me, my husband, niece and her husband and son, and my son) before she gave up.

I realize of course that because everything is so fresh, that is the reason that I am having such a hard time. Tomorrow I have to go back to work(an elementary school), I MUST go, but I am not sure just how I am going to handle it. The minute I think about it, I start crying all over again. Anyway, what I need from all of you is your prayers to help me. Please, I really need your help. Thanks, Skyhawk
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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 12:28 pm

My condolences.I'm sorry to hear that.May she rest in peace.

You are now free to move about the cabin
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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 12:32 pm

Very sorry to hear that. Hang in there. God bless.

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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 12:35 pm

Skyhawk - keep your chin up, those kids will need you tomorrow. I'll say a litttle prayer for you.

My Dad would've been 76 today, but he died 18 years ago when I was still a teen. I've had a really rough couple of days, too, so I know exactly where you're coming from. What surprises me is how it doesn't seem to get easier every year...some are good ones, this one's a bad one.

Take care ~

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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 12:37 pm

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. My prayers go out to you and your family.

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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 12:42 pm

Skyhawk....been there, done that, hated it. A couple of years ago, my mother dropped dead of a blood clot to the brain, my father in his grief could not cope, so he killed himself.

It is quite possible that the idea of returning to work is far worse than what you will find when you actually get there. Most of us have strengths that we don't know we possess. More than likely you will return to work, get through the day because you know you have to. In my case and as is common with many others I've spoken with, it's not being at work that will hit you hard, it's coming home and having to deal with all the thoughts that your students will momentarily divert you from.

The best piece of advice I can give you is never anticipate or plan how you're going to handle the next day. Deal with each day as they come. I know it's cliché. However, it's very true. If during the work day you feel the need to go off by yourself to shed some tears to get you through another couple of hours, then go for it. Do what you need to do for the moment.

You might consider some sort of grief counselling. There will be times when you think you're losing your mind and it will help to have reassurance that you are in fact not, and what you're experiencing is just one of the facets of grief. Putting the pain to paper will also lessen the burden for a bit.

There is no time limit to mourning. Hang on to what is going to seem like a roller coaster ride with more valleys than peaks. I wish there was more I could say or do to help. I wish you all the very best.

My condolences,
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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 12:43 pm

I am in tears......this hits very close to home and therefore I can offer some kind of advice. I lost my dad a few years back and I was very young. It was a sudden death so it was very hard for me. The thing that I found helped was my family and friends. I turned to my loved ones for support. It is actually very difficult to say EXACTLY how to cope with the loss and I don't really think you ever get over loosing a loved one but it is important to find a way to deal with it. At first, I cried when I thought about him because it was very recent but you have to find a way to deal with that. Inevitably, you will think about her so you can't cry each and every time because otherwise you will walk around crying all the time.......that's what I found out in my case. I dont know what your religion is or if you are religious but for me, religion helped. I had a long talk with the father at my church and i had MANY MANY questions about death and why it happens. Honestly, I wish I could give you an exact formula or way to make this less painful because I have been there and I know how hard it is. Unfortunately, it really happens a day at a time. Even today, some days are really tough for me but I have managed to control my feelings. When you think about your mother, think about the good times. Don't think about her illness and her death itself.....think about everything before that happened......the good times, the funny times.....that will make you smile and it will help cope. Like I said, I dont think you EVER really get over the loss of a loved one but with time it is more manageable. You, your family and your mother will be in my prayers. Thank you for sharing such a private matter here and I hope this information helps you in some way or another. My deepest and most sincere condolences. If I can be of any help in any way shape or form, send me an instant message....
Live each day as if it was your last day on God's beautiful green earth
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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 12:43 pm

I have to tell myself that as much as I love and miss them, they are in a far better place. Happy, healthy, and reunited with those that went before them. Living a life that we will all know sooner or later.
If not now, then when?
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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 12:53 pm

Quoting Jc2354 (Reply 7):
I have to tell myself that as much as I love and miss them, they are in a far better place. Happy, healthy, and reunited with those that went before them. Living a life that we will all know sooner or later.

Excellent point and VERY TRUE. I have always said that it is hard for the people who stay here living to loose a loved one but they are in a much better place. We think earth is all that but there is a better place. It is hard not having them here in the physical form but always have her living in your heart and keep her memory close to you. One day we will all be reunited in this beautiful place and will live eternal happiness.
Live each day as if it was your last day on God's beautiful green earth
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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 1:27 pm

My thoughts and prayers go with you. Even if you thought you were ready for this its tough. Let the grief come, because its going to anyway. Lean on anyone who offers and talk through your feelings......

I went through this as well and theres no really easy way.

Take care.

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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 1:40 pm

My prayers are with you, Skyhawk.

One of the things I would try to think of is that, no matter what your religious beliefs, there is a circle of life. One of those children you are working with will be someone else's mom or dad some day. You do your best at work for them, passing on what you learned from your mom to them. It all comes around again.

Take time for yourself, even just moments. Remind yourself of the good times you had, not just the times when you were there as she suffered.

May God bless you and your family.

Up, up and away!
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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:58 pm


I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I'll keep your mother and your family in my thoughts & prayers. I hope you reach a point soon where you can be happy again. I believe it is healthy to mourn, so dont hide it. People are out there waiting to help you and to make you feel better if they can!
Rest assured that your mom is in a better place, and that the time will come when you will see her again.


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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 4:12 pm


My sincerest condolences to you and your family.

My mother passed away 3yrs ago so I totally understand what you are going through as do several others here. Going back to work was hard but my coworkers were really supportive and more caring than I had realised before.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 5:40 pm

My condolences. A mother is a tough person to lose, no matter what the circumstances. Be grateful for the ability to be with her at the end. My mother is physically in pretty good shape for a 79 year old but her mind is completely gone (Alzheimer's). She recognizes nobody in the family anymore and is quite withdrawn, shy and fearful when we do visit her. Its very sad to see a brilliant woman (went back to college at age 40 to pursue her BS in Nursing, worked as am RN until retirement at 65 and, from primary school through her BS degree, got only one grade below an A, and that was a high B in College Chemistry! An absolutely amazing mind to be wasted by Alzheimer's!

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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 6:11 pm

My prayers and thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I lost a dear aunt only a few days ago and I know that all I can do is hang onto the memories and be strong. It is easy to say, but hard to do.

This is something that I have had for a while and it really meant a lot to me to read it once again.

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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 7:59 pm

I'm with you too on this one. My dad was 56 when he died in '99 from cancer. It makes it a little easier with a disease because even though you never give up hope, a little bit of you prepares and begins to grieve early. The passing has a slightly less edge than a sudden death. What comforted me also was feeling his death was partly a blessing at that point as he was suffering so badly in the end. If your mom was suffering as it sounds like she was, you may feel this a little. Whatever you do, don't feel any guilt. My sister was a mess after my dad's death and after talking to her, a lot of her pain was from the guilt she felt from being relieved it was finally all over. When I explained to her I felt the same exact way, it helped her tremendously. Watching their misery tears you apart inside. It consumes you because there's nothing you can do about. At some point all you're left with is just hoping the misery ends. Once your grief subsides, you'll be left with pleasent memories. Best wishes.
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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 8:09 pm

I cant begin to imagine the pain. I dont know how I would cope losing someone as vital as my parents.

They still look after me both emotionally and financially. My world would fall apart without them. Im nearing 30 years old but Im still a mummys boy and a daddys boy and not ashamed to say that.
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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 9:04 pm

Condolences.......Its tough to loose Parents.
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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 9:13 pm


I am very sorry to hear about your mother. I hope God gives you the courage you need to get through this dark hour. It is very difficult to bear the loss of a parent, as, like it or not, we tend to get very emotionally attached to them.


[Edited 2005-03-29 13:22:45]
Never argue with idiots. They will bring you down to their level, and beat you with experience.
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RE: A Parents' Death

Tue Mar 29, 2005 9:29 pm

I lost my father when I was 8 years old, on March 10th 1995. The only advice I can give you, is that you need people around you. When I was alone, I felt so amazingly lonely, as if there was nobody who cared about me.

Quoting Skyhawk (Thread starter):
The minute I think about it, I start crying all over again

I was exactly the same, and this is very, very normal. The first year was the worst for me. After a while, you will get used to it. For me nowadays it is normality.

You WILL get through this, despite is being tough. My thoughts are with you.
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RE: A Parents' Death

Wed Mar 30, 2005 12:40 am

Quoting Skyhawk (Thread starter):
My feeling was that she was just waiting for all of her kids to get there(my brother, sister-in-law, me, my husband, niece and her husband and son, and my son) before she gave up.

When my father died two years ago, him and my mum were out on the motorbike for the day. After they got home he had a heart attack, and then within a few hours had a second bigger heart attack. Sometimes I feel he waited till he had gotten my mother home safely before he had it.

I'm so sorry to hear about this and I understand what your feeling. Just let what you feel out. I'm sitting here thinking of what advice from my own personal experience that I can give you, but I know no matter what I say nothing will change it. Part of grieving is remembering the good things, but you should also acknowledge things that upset you or made you sad while your mother was alive.

My family hasn't been the same since, and it never will. Sometime I will come home and find my mother a blubbering mess, and I know theres nothing I can do to make her feel better because I'm feeling the same way. It was so sudden. No one expected it. To this day I havn't delt with it, and I don't think my mother or my grandmother ever will. I don't think its something you can ever get over. Even though the pain can be gut wrenching you just learn to live with it I guess. Otherwise your life comes to a standstill.

Try talking it over with someone such as a greif counsellor. This is something I probably should have done at the time, but being a male I felt that I could overcome it on my own. I was wrong.

Once again I am terribly sorry for your loss and nothing, even if you are expecting it can prepare you for the grim reality that faces you afterwards.

Be strong if not for yourself, then for your students.

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