gkirk
Posts: 23349
Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2000 3:29 am

Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 8:03 pm

Be very proud to be British Because:



Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.



Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.



Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.



Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.



Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.



Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.



NOT TO MENTION...



3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.



142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.



58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.



31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.



19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.



British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.



101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.



18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.



A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.



8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.



And finally.........



In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.



RULE BRITANNIA!!
When you hear the noise of the Tartan Army Boys, we'll be coming down the road!
 
Pbb152
Posts: 546
Joined: Sat Feb 19, 2000 2:57 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 8:14 pm

So stupidity, ignorance, and incompetence aren't solely American traits, huh?

Seriously, 3 Brits each year die testing a 9 volt battery on their tongue? That is a new one on me.

Pete
 
MD11Engineer
Posts: 13916
Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2003 5:25 am

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 8:54 pm

Quoting Gkirk (Thread starter):
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.


This is the same in Germany and Ireland.

Jan
Je Suis Charlie et je suis Ahmet aussi
 
QANTASforever
Posts: 5794
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2001 6:03 am

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:13 pm

BRITAIN BRITAIN BRITAIN...

QFF
Fighting for the glory of the Australian Republic.
 
Pe@rson
Posts: 16031
Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2001 6:29 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:17 pm

Quoting QANTASforever (Reply 3):
BRITAIN BRITAIN BRITAIN...

Naturally Australia is perfect and its citizens all completely sane and logical, eh?  Wink

If you don't like Britain, move somewhere else. 'Nuff said.
"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."
 
fergulmcc
Posts: 1877
Joined: Thu Oct 14, 2004 8:36 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:20 pm

That's some amount of stats you have, are Serbian's and Montenegroians any different? Like you's have a perfect history!

Fergul  wink 
Zambian Airways, Where the Eagles fly free!!
 
DIJKKIJK
Posts: 1787
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2003 11:03 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:23 pm

Quoting Fergulmcc (Reply 5):
are Serbian's and Montenegroians any different

Gkirk is not Serbian-Montenegroian, he is British  Wink
Never argue with idiots. They will bring you down to their level, and beat you with experience.
 
Pe@rson
Posts: 16031
Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2001 6:29 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:24 pm

Quoting DIJKKIJK (Reply 6):
Gkirk is not Serbian-Montenegroian, he is British

As an Englishman, I insist that we state his nationality correctly - he is SCOTTISH.   The problem with Scotland, you see, is that it's full of Scots - those uneducated, foul-mouthed, lower class people!  Wink

[Edited 2005-04-26 14:26:09]
"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."
 
cornish
Posts: 7651
Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 8:05 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:26 pm

Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 7):
Quoting DIJKKIJK (Reply 6):
Gkirk is not Serbian-Montenegroian, he is British

As an Englishman, I insist that we state his nationality correctly - he is SCOTTISH.

Yep - he's only Serbian until they realise and deport him like all the other countries did Big grin
Just when I thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel, it was some B*****d with a torch bringing me more work
 
JGPH1A
Posts: 15080
Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:36 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:26 pm

Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 7):
As an Englishman, I insist that we state his nationality correctly - he is SCOTTISH.

But we wish he was Serbian. Or Montenegran. Or a Falkland Islander. As long as it's far away.  Smile
Young and beautiful and thin and gorgeous AND BANNED ! Cya at airspaceonline.com, losers
 
DIJKKIJK
Posts: 1787
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2003 11:03 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:27 pm

Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 7):
As an Englishman, I insist that we state his nationality correctly - he is SCOTTISH

So Scotland is not a part of Britain, just like Northern Ireland  Wink
Never argue with idiots. They will bring you down to their level, and beat you with experience.
 
Pe@rson
Posts: 16031
Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2001 6:29 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:28 pm

Quoting DIJKKIJK (Reply 10):
So Scotland is not a part of Britain

Yes, of course it is, but when it comes to GKirk we tirelessly argue that it is not, for the association with GKirk is unbearable.  Wink
"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."
 
skidmarks
Posts: 6614
Joined: Fri Dec 10, 2004 7:51 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:28 pm

Pitcairn Island sounds good, can't get much further away!

DOH! I was sitting on my hands trying desparately NOT to get involved with this!!!!!!!!!  hissyfit 

Andy  old 
Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional
 
cornish
Posts: 7651
Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 8:05 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:29 pm

How about Bikini Atoll......
Just when I thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel, it was some B*****d with a torch bringing me more work
 
JGPH1A
Posts: 15080
Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:36 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:30 pm

Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 11):
for the association with GKirk is unbearable.

Be ashamed. Be very ashamed !

Quoting Skidmarks (Reply 12):
DOH! I was sitting on my hands trying desparately NOT to get involved with this!!!!!!!!!

But slagging Kirkie is an a.net tradition - it is excellent therapy, and releases endorphins into the blood stream, thus providing proven therapeutic benefits.
Young and beautiful and thin and gorgeous AND BANNED ! Cya at airspaceonline.com, losers
 
yukimizake
Posts: 506
Joined: Mon Mar 29, 2004 10:20 am

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:31 pm

Quoting Gkirk (Thread starter):
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.



Quoting Gkirk (Thread starter):
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Sounds dubious, these sound more like urban myths. What is the source of these statistics?
'Opfer müssen gebracht werden (Sacrifices must be made)' - Otto Lilienthal
 
Pe@rson
Posts: 16031
Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2001 6:29 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:34 pm

Quoting Yukimizake (Reply 15):
What is the source of these statistics?

His warped mind?  Silly
"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."
 
cornish
Posts: 7651
Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 8:05 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:40 pm

Quoting Yukimizake (Reply 15):
Sounds dubious, these sound more like urban myths. What is the source of these statistics?

Kirkie neglected to mention that he craftily substituted the word Brits for what originally said Scots  Wink
Just when I thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel, it was some B*****d with a torch bringing me more work
 
Banco
Posts: 14343
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2001 11:56 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:44 pm

It is worth pointing out that although these examples of criminal stupidity may seem remarkable, Kirkie is hiding under the cover of "Britain". In fact, all of them took place in Scotland, and, as I'm sure you agree, it is now rather more understandable that they happened in the first place.

For example:


3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

They've never seen electricity before. Can you really blame them for experimenting?



142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

Most of their supplies come from Oxfam. Imagine the shock when they get a new one?


58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

This is why we try to keep sharp implements away from them. The trouble is, they haven't mastered forks yet, so they keep their knives. Not an ideal solution, I'm sure you agree.


31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

Electricity. See above.  Yeah sure


19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Their primary sense is taste. You only have to look at the stuff they DO eat to know that. Once again, if you understand, it seems reasonable.


British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

This is because they're so damn mean neither will ever let go. The same happens when two of them fight over a penny, which of course is how copper wire came to be invented.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

Toys keep them occupied, and stops them bothering us. Accidents will happen.


18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

That's just stupid. But then, as above, they don't get new clothes very often.


A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

This doesn't require any further explanation does it?


8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

Yes, well they happened when the Scots decided to try to get in the cars.

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

Personally, I'm surprised it's so few. Aren't you?
She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot.
 
cornish
Posts: 7651
Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 8:05 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:50 pm

Quoting Banco (Reply 18):
8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

Yes, well they happened when the Scots decided to try to get in the cars.

They were actually trying to steal them for joyriding purposes at the time Big grin

Quoting Banco (Reply 18):
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

All that Tennents Superstrength.....
Just when I thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel, it was some B*****d with a torch bringing me more work
 
User avatar
Braybuddy
Posts: 5914
Joined: Fri Aug 20, 2004 8:14 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 10:14 pm

Quoting Gkirk (Thread starter):
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Happens everywhere! My company organised a "Happy Heart" day, which was part of a government health campaign. It consisted of a two hour walk, and everybody ended-up in the the chipper and pub afterwards.
 
melpax
Posts: 1728
Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 12:13 am

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 10:22 pm

Quoting Banco (Reply 18):

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Their primary sense is taste. You only have to look at the stuff they DO eat to know that. Once again, if you understand, it seems reasonable

Remember, this is the country that invented deep-fried Mars Bars!  vomit 
Essendon - Whatever it takes......
 
pogo
Posts: 321
Joined: Fri Mar 04, 2005 1:58 am

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 10:34 pm

Quoting Gkirk (Thread starter):
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

It takes away the guilt, especially after eating enough cholesterol to kill a whale.
When in doubt give it a clout
 
QANTASforever
Posts: 5794
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2001 6:03 am

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 10:34 pm

Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 4):
Naturally Australia is perfect and its citizens all completely sane and logical, eh?

Oh FFS, if Australia gave you a visa to discover that information then the Minister for Immigration needs to be sent to an instution for the criminally insane.

Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 4):
If you don't like Britain, move somewhere else. 'Nuff said.

...or not move there in the first place.  Wink

Quoting Yukimizake (Reply 15):
Sounds dubious, these sound more like urban myths. What is the source of these statistics?

I agree. You call the United Nations, and I'll ring the police. Let's invesitgate, Nancy Drew.

QFF
Fighting for the glory of the Australian Republic.
 
willo
Posts: 1331
Joined: Fri Dec 12, 2003 10:21 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Tue Apr 26, 2005 11:07 pm

Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 7):
is that it's full of Scots - those uneducated, foul-mouthed, lower class people!

......that is no way to talk about the outgoing Labour Cabinet  duck 
 
mhodgson
Posts: 4673
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 8:47 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Wed Apr 27, 2005 12:11 am

Quoting Cornish (Reply 17):
Kirkie neglected to mention that he craftily substituted the word Brits for what originally said Scots

Actually last time I read those sentences they were referring to Americans.

Hell, if I order a bacon double cheeseburger and fries from Burger King I don't mess about with diet coke - I finish it off with onion rings and a proper Coca Cola  Silly
No trees were harmed by this message. However, several million electrons were terribly inconvenienced
 
Matt27
Posts: 2070
Joined: Fri Jul 04, 2003 9:53 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Wed Apr 27, 2005 12:34 am

Quoting Gkirk (Thread starter):
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



Quoting Gkirk (Thread starter):
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

Land Of Hope And Glory...... bigthumbsup 
Man ska inte dricka rödvin i en vit hall.
 
Rj111
Posts: 3007
Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2004 9:02 am

RE: Only In Britain...

Wed Apr 27, 2005 12:49 am

English are actuall normal it's those damn Scots letting the country down. We should kick them out of Britain.

Remember, this is the country that invented deep-fried Mars Bars!

Another Scottish invention, i rest my case.
 
ltbewr
Posts: 12502
Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2004 1:24 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Wed Apr 27, 2005 1:03 am

The items mentioned in the first half of the inital post are also all the same in the USA too.
One item that is truly 'only in Britian' is that the number of people killed by handguns or murdered overall is about a couple hundred. A number far less less than the number killed/murdered in NY City in a year with 8 million in population vs. about 60 million.
 
whitehatter
Posts: 5180
Joined: Sat Jun 12, 2004 6:52 am

RE: Only In Britain...

Wed Apr 27, 2005 2:53 am

Quoting Mhodgson (Reply 25):
Hell, if I order a bacon double cheeseburger and fries from Burger King I don't mess about with diet coke - I finish it off with onion rings and a proper Coca Cola

You girly wimp.

You should finish it off with another burger. At McDonalds. And then ten pints and a curry.

Anyway Burger King are bloody awful.

Quoting RJ111 (Reply 27):

Another Scottish invention, i rest my case.

along with the fried pie, which they don't even put batter around. Heart attack city. I honestly didn't believe such an abomination was possible until the first time I went in a Scottish chippy and ordered pie and chips, and they threw the bloody thing in the deep fat fryer!
Lead me not into temptation, I can find my own way there...
 
bhill
Posts: 1345
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2001 8:28 am

RE: Only In Britain...

Wed Apr 27, 2005 3:22 am

Only in the US do DRIVE UP ATM's have Braille on them!!!

Cheers
Carpe Pices
 
ZRH
Posts: 4371
Joined: Tue Nov 16, 1999 11:32 pm

RE: Only In Britain...

Wed Apr 27, 2005 6:28 am

I don't believe that all these deaths which Kirkie mentioned really happened. Brits are very tough, they even survive their own food.  yuck  Big grin
 
aerlingus330
Posts: 812
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2004 2:21 am

RE: Only In Britain...

Wed Apr 27, 2005 8:00 am

Quoting ZRH (Reply 31):
Brits are very tough

Look at Micheal Howard, Charles Kennedy, Tony Blair and the assholes in the Royal Family...They define how tough the British Are.

AerLingus330
Aer Lingus Airbus A330-300

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