Guest

Canada On Alert For Labrador Fanged Beaver

Sat May 28, 2005 5:18 am

Canada On Alert For Northern Fanged Beavers
Story by Frank Woodman

(Canadian Press) - Reuters

The Federal government in Ottawa yesterday announced that the southern migration of the Labrador fanged beaver is quickly reaching the point where drastic measures may have to be implemented re public safety and awareness. For those who are not familiar with the Labrador Fanged Beaver, this species is exclusive to Canada, and up until March of last year, their habitat was primarily northern Labrador and certain regions of northern Quebec. They can grow to be as long as 8 feet and the male can weigh up to 172 pounds. The female is said to be the more dangerous of the species, and both male and female grow razor sharp front teeth – fangs, if you will, that are used in attacks. And what is alarming the Canadian public is that the beavers, very aggressive by nature, are launching attacks against humans.

Canadian wildlife experts admit they are puzzled by the human attacks. “The Labrador Fanged Beaver is known to be strictly vegetarian by nature, and like raccoons, are inherently shy around people. We cannot explain as to why they have suddenly lost their fear of humans, but this appears to be the case”, claimed Rene Joseph Charpentier, associate director of the Ministry of Wildlife in Ottawa, and a professor of zoology at Ottawa’s Carleton University. “Needless to say, we are monitoring this alarming situation very closely”. So closely, in fact, that zoology experts from the University of British Columbia, Dalhousie University in Nova Scotia and zoology experts from Scandinavia have been called in to quickly determine what methods may be implemented to eradicate the southern swath of terror of the Labrador Beaver.

Indeed, it would appear that there is in fact due cause for alarm, contrary to what Prime Minister Paul Martin’s government is stating. To date, 15 Canadians, all residing in southern areas of Labrador as well as areas in northern Quebec have been attacked by the Labrador Beaver, four of whom remain in hospital with serious injuries. Local police and paramedics have assured the public there is no cause for alarm, but many Quebecers aren’t convinced. “These Beavers, they move fast, and my neighbour, she was attacked last week while waiting for the bus after shopping”, said St. Jerome, Quebec resident Georges Ducharme, 55. “The beavers came out of the forest, five of them, and they moved fast to her. She don’t have the time to react or to run. First they eat her groceries, then they attack her with their big teeth. Many people here are very scared, very scared. It’s like something out of a monster movie.” Many residents of towns and villages in the area where the attacks have occurred are now extremely cautious when venturing outdoors, especially after sundown, when it would appear the Labrador Beaver is more inclined to attack, as this species, like cats, are nocturnal by nature.

While the motive for the human attacks remain unanswered, Canadian wildlife experts have ascertained that the sudden move south by the Labrador Beaver may in fact be caused by global warming in their normal realm of existence. In short, the Labrador Fanged Beaver is literally starving, and changes in the eco-system in Labrador and northern regions of Quebec may in fact be the chief cause for their southward travels. Experts claim if the situation is not brought under control, the Labrador Fanged Beaver, with their newly acquired aggressive and dangerous behaviour, may be expected to reach Quebec City by August , and Montreal and Ottawa by late September. “These creatures
are exceedingly fast swimmers, due to their enourmous size and incredible muscle tone”, claims Nicole Haultron of Dalhousie University. “It has been recorded and noted that this species can swim up to speeds of 14 kms an hour. We know for a fact that they are utilizing the vast and expansive Canadian river system as their primary mode of migrating south. They could easily reach areas as far south as Toronto and Windsor by October or November of this year”.

As stated, the office of Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin has remained strangely quiet on this serious issue, which has wildlife experts alarmed. “They don’t seem to understand how serious this situation is. It’s as though the recent drama in Ottawa with Belinda Stronach has blinded them to this very serious threat to the Canadian people. How many lives need be lost before your government wakes up and deals with this?” exclaimed Danish zoologist Lars Jensen, 44, who flew in from Copenhagen to assist the Canadian wildlife team assembled. “If we cannot stop the Labrador Beaver from moving south and their obvious threat to Canadians, military action, intervention, may be required”, said one source who wished to remain anonymous.
 
LHMark
Posts: 7048
Joined: Fri Jan 21, 2000 2:18 am

RE: Canada On Alert For Labrador Fanged Beaver

Sat May 28, 2005 5:24 am

We are sooo sailing south.

Signed, the Canadian Navy
"Sympathy is something that shouldn't be bestowed on the Yankees. Apparently it angers them." - Bob Feller
 
Logan22L
Posts: 4464
Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2004 5:59 am

RE: Canada On Alert For Labrador Fanged Beaver

Sat May 28, 2005 5:39 am

Quoting Canadi>nBoy (Thread starter):
the Labrador Fanged Beaver

Sounds like my ex-wife.

Signed,

KROC
"The deeper you go, the higher you fly. The higher you fly, the deeper you go."
 
theCoz
Posts: 3933
Joined: Mon Aug 16, 2004 11:06 am

RE: Canada On Alert For Labrador Fanged Beaver

Sat May 28, 2005 5:42 am

Silly Canadians. There's no such thing as a fanged beaver.
 
WhyWhyZed
Posts: 891
Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:40 pm

RE: Canada On Alert For Labrador Fanged Beaver

Sat May 28, 2005 5:46 am

Do you have a source, or is this just a joke? I couldn't find it anywhere.

If it is true, it seems quite scary. I never even heard of these beavers, and 8 feet is lonnng. It's a good thing I live in Southern Ontario.  

- Jason DePodesta

EDIT: Grrrrr... I'm very gullible.

[Edited 2005-05-27 22:47:35]
 
Guest

RE: Canada On Alert For Labrador Fanged Beaver

Sat May 28, 2005 5:52 am

Quoting WhyWhyZed (Reply 4):
If it is true, it seems quite scary. I never even heard of these beavers, and 8 feet is lonnng. It's a good thing I live in Southern Ontario

Nor have I heard of this particular species of beaver, until today, that is.
What I find so bizarre is the fact that you cannot source this species on the net or anywhere else for that matter, and yet, the Ministry of Wildlife knows of their existence. Mother of God.
 
MD11Engineer
Posts: 13916
Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2003 5:25 am

RE: Canada On Alert For Labrador Fanged Beaver

Sat May 28, 2005 5:55 am

Was this note published on April 1st?

Jan
Je Suis Charlie et je suis Ahmet aussi
 
theCoz
Posts: 3933
Joined: Mon Aug 16, 2004 11:06 am

RE: Canada On Alert For Labrador Fanged Beaver

Sat May 28, 2005 5:57 am

Perhaps it's just Kieron747, he's hairy and has fangs.
 
Guest

RE: Canada On Alert For Labrador Fanged Beaver

Sat May 28, 2005 6:03 am

Oh, you guys in the U.S and Europe can sit back and laugh and crack jokes all you want, after all, you're safe where you are - while we, we Canadians are in utter peril.
 
Biggles
Posts: 449
Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2004 5:19 am

RE: Canada On Alert For Labrador Fanged Beaver

Sat May 28, 2005 9:42 pm

They are real and I'm presently training some to eat Paul Martin's house,and possibly,some of his ships..
 
jutes85
Posts: 1854
Joined: Thu Dec 11, 2003 12:50 pm

RE: Canada On Alert For Labrador Fanged Beaver

Sun May 29, 2005 12:10 am

Quoting LHMARK (Reply 1):
We are sooo sailing south.

Signed, the Canadian Navy

What Canadian Navy?  bigthumbsup 
nothing

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: aerlingus747, DocLightning, Kno and 15 guests