UAL747
Topic Author
Posts: 6725
Joined: Mon Dec 13, 1999 5:42 am

Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:04 am

It's all starting to make sense now. A few weeks ago I went into my Dad's office to say hi. He wouldn't speak or even look at me. Then, I went to my grandparents house afterward to visit them. He called to their house telling them that he was coming over to pick something. He saw my car and me standing out in front, and he turned around in the driveway and left. I've called about 5 times over the course of 3 weeks, he wouldn't return my phone calls.

Turns out, he found out I'm gay. I'm at a loss as of what to do. He won't talk to me. I have been feeling that something funny was going on, but after my mom confirmed it, it makes sense. My mom has known for 3 years. My dad is a typical conservative Oklahoman. He's honestly brilliant, but I've heard him make many jokes about homosexuals, in front of me. Well, he used the term faggots. And he always talked about how he hated them. He found out that a restaurant was run by two gay men, and he now refuses to eat there, even though the food is outstanding.

My dad and I have never been close, but it still feels like shit.

UAL
"Bangkok Tower, United 890 Heavy. Bangkok Tower, United 890 Heavy.....Okay, fine, we'll just turn 190 and Visual Our Way
 
theCoz
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:13 am

He's obviously torn between his love for you, and his hatred for the homosexual lifestyle. That's got to be very difficult emotionally. If he know's what's right, he'll choose the love of his son over the hatred of homosexuality.
 
ted747
Posts: 190
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:14 am

A best mate of mine told his parents whilst he was living with us that he was gay. His father in particular was devastated. The whole silent treatment thing and he even lived in another state. It took time but all is good now.

Mate - your dad needs time. Like the saying time heals everything. At least your have your Mum and I am sure you have a whole bunch of friends about to support you.

take care
 
AC_A340
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:14 am

I'm sorry to hear that. It is really alarming how family members can't be more supportive and caring. While I don't have any advice for you since I've never been in your situation, all I can say is, I hope your dad comes around because you're still the same person and his son. I hope you can find a good support network..

Good luck!

You've always got us on a.net  Smile
 
TedTAce
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Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2005 12:31 am

RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:15 am

Damn...

While I wish I knew what your situation was like first hand so I could properly empathize, the fact is I don't. I hope your dad 'wakes up'. Maybe a family function like Thanksgiving will 'force the issue'.

If your dad is as analytical as you say, stick with the facts, and keep your emotions as far away from it as possible. Tell him your sorry if he's dissapointed in you because you decieved him about being gay all this time, but let him know that your life is not something you choose. No son WANTS to let their parents down/dissapoint them; but this is life, not fairytale land..
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Jean Leloup
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:16 am

Indeed. I'm sure he really loves you, or else this wouldn't be so hard for him. If he has a good head on his shoulders, as you say, and if your mom is on your side, hopefully he'll come to his senses soon enough. Hang in there.

By the way, he didn't find out by perusing the latest a.net picture threads, did he?  Wink
Next flight.... who knows.
 
UAL747
Topic Author
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:18 am

lol, I dunno. But I guess that would be some hard evidence to prove incorrect LOL.

UAL
"Bangkok Tower, United 890 Heavy. Bangkok Tower, United 890 Heavy.....Okay, fine, we'll just turn 190 and Visual Our Way
 
Jean Leloup
Posts: 1953
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:21 am

In any case, thanks to those threads, you now have some a.net 'fans' to support you.  Wink
Next flight.... who knows.
 
LambertSTL777
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:21 am

I'm sorry to hear that, UAL.. That's gotta be hard for ya.. My dad's the same way, don't worry.. Eventually I think he'll get over it.. Until then You've got us..  Smile

Quoting Jean Leloup (Reply 5):
By the way, he didn't find out by perusing the latest a.net picture threads, did he?

 rotfl 
Triple shifts everday 6/19 - 7/1..Won't be on much
 
AA777
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:26 am

I'm really sorry to hear about all this. Remember that it is hard for him, but I'm sure he needs time and hopefully things will work themselves out. He needs to learn that people dont choose to be the way they are, and that it doesnt mean you are a bad person. I guess the only thing you should do is somehow apologise for not telling him sooner, because in my eyes thats the only thing he could have the right to be upset about. Although, even the anger / sadness that he may feel about that should be short-lived. He will gradually come to terms with it... but remember that he probably thought 'this could never happen to me' and that is what he must be grappling with. If he is as smart as you say he will come around over time. If you are closer with your mom then try to speak with her...she may be the best conduit between you and your dad for the moment. (obviously I dont know the dynamics of all of your relations with ur parents, but thats my guess at this point). I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. If ya need any advice feel free to ask,

Best luck UAL,

-AA777
 
Springbok747
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:26 am

Sorry for asking an ignorant question, but isn't being gay got to do with genetics? Or is it a choice? How does it work..?

Anyway...how did your dad find out after 3 years?! That's a long time to keep a secret.....
אני תומך בישראל
 
UAL747
Topic Author
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:30 am

Springbok, ask any gay person, and they will tell you they didn't choose to be gay.

It's been a secret I've kept to myself from time immemorial. But yes, I came out about 3 years ago, on A.net of all places, and gradually I've been more honest with other people and friends about it, and my mother. But my dad is one of those football luvin', beer drinkin', hunting and fishing chaps. Not really religious though, but a conservative thinker all the way.

UAL
"Bangkok Tower, United 890 Heavy. Bangkok Tower, United 890 Heavy.....Okay, fine, we'll just turn 190 and Visual Our Way
 
KLM685
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:33 am

Quoting Springbok747 (Reply 10):
Sorry for asking an ignorant question, but isn't being gay got to do with genetics? Or is it a choice? How does it work..?

Nothing proved with certainty really
KLM- The Best Airline in the World!
 
Springbok747
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:35 am

UAL, I guess you just need to give your dad some time. It's good you came out..at least your old man knows about it now and over time he'll learn to accept that fact.

Take care  Smile
אני תומך בישראל
 
UAL747
Topic Author
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:35 am

KLM: True...but I didn't choose it


UAL

[Edited 2005-06-09 04:36:53]
"Bangkok Tower, United 890 Heavy. Bangkok Tower, United 890 Heavy.....Okay, fine, we'll just turn 190 and Visual Our Way
 
TedTAce
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:37 am

Quoting Springbok747 (Reply 10):
but isn't being gay got to do with genetics? Or is it a choice? How does it work..?



Quoting UAL747 (Reply 11):
Springbok, ask any gay person, and they will tell you they didn't choose to be gay.

Springbok, no one knows for "SURE". As UAL747 said, gay people don't choose it. I'm of that school of thought as I have yet to meet someone who has 'chosen' to be gay. Playing devils' advocate; the only 'problem' is we haven't scientifically proven it as an 'at birth' characteristic just yet.
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jpetekyxmd80
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:38 am



Not exactly the quickest, now is he?

On a serious note I am very sorry that you have to go through this, and I hope he sees the big picture.
The Best Care in the Air, 1984-2009
 
Springbok747
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:38 am

Quoting UAL747 (Reply 14):
True...but I didn't choose it

Ok...thanks for clearing that too...  Smile
אני תומך בישראל
 
avek00
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:48 am

With respect, I'm actually siding *with* your Dad here. Conservative beliefs on homosexuality aside, he's probably extremely pissed that you weren't man enough to actually tell him face to face - instead, he had to find out that his son was gay through a third-party relative (or non-relative, perhaps). He thought he raised you better than that - good, bad, or ugly, you tell those who ought to know something major like that in person or even over the phone, and don't wait to have them hear it as gossip on the street.

That said, I wish you the best in finding rapproachment and understanding with your father.
Live life to the fullest.
 
UAL747
Topic Author
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:51 am

Quoting TedTAce (Reply 15):
Playing devils' advocate; the only 'problem' is we haven't scientifically proven it as an 'at birth' characteristic just yet.

True, but it used to be in the DSM-IV book which is the diagnosis book for psychiatric disorders, but it has since been taken out and is not considered a psychiatric disorder.

I think that if you talk with gay people, many of them will reflect on their pre-pubescent years and realize that something was different, but usually it takes puberty and a cognitive growing "if you will" to come to the realization that you are gay. Most children are not congnitively capable of understanding if they are gay or not, and gender violations pre-puberty If that makes any sense. But as they become more cognitively aware of their sexuality, be it gay or straight, they can then look back on their childhood and see how some of the things, or perhaps all of the things they did were gender violations. (Note: Gender Violation is a term used is psychology. It neither has a negative or derogatory meaning).

UAL
"Bangkok Tower, United 890 Heavy. Bangkok Tower, United 890 Heavy.....Okay, fine, we'll just turn 190 and Visual Our Way
 
TUNisia
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:54 am

Quoting UAL747 (Reply 11):
Springbok, ask any gay person, and they will tell you they didn't choose to be gay.

I actually liked girls until 8th grade or so. I was in love with girls, a lot of them actually. But I think my first crush on a guy was in 5th grade. I never even kissed a guy (seriously) until I was 17.

I'd get a lot of flack for my views on being gay and why I think I am, but this isn't the place for that.
Someday the sun will shine down on me in some faraway place - Mahalia Jackson
 
searpqx
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 12:01 pm

UAL747 - My sympathy bud. I've been through this with my father twice. He is also very conservative (makes MD-90 and B757300 look liberal), plus he 'found religion' about twenty years ago. We didn't speak for a couple of years, faked being friends for a couple of years, then didn't speak for almost ten years. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about my dad, missing him terribly, then I'd instantly get furious that he could treat me like this.

Finally after a lot of soul searching I realized that I was as much to blame for the silence as he was. I was angry that he'd cut me off, so to punish him I wasn't going to make any attempt to bridge the gap. I finally decided that I'd reach out, and even if he didn't respond, I'd know that I'd left the door open. We have a relationship now, not as close as it was, and probably never will be again, but at least he knows I love him and I know he loves me, even if he can't come to grips with me being gay.

My point in telling you all this is - hang in there and don't burn any bridges. It hurts and its hard to deal with that, don't let the hurt turn into anger and no matter what, let him know that the door is open when he is ready. I really regret the years I lost with my dad.

Hang in there and good luck
Duane
"The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity"
 
wunala
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 4:05 pm

Sorry to hear that, but just give him time. He needs to work through it in his mind, and sort out what questions and answers he wants. There is no checklist, it would be easier if there was, but they all take it differently.

He may have temporarily cut you out of his life, but it doesnt meant that you have to. Contnue to see the rest of the familly as normal, and he will come around, and accept you for you. Maybe he is more upset about your mum knowing for 3 years, and other people knowing, and him felling he is the last to know.

There is no easy way for this, but given time, he will accept you, as you will accept him.

Good luck
 
baylorairbear
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 4:22 pm

UAL, you're gay?!?  eyepopping 

BaylorAirBear
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senorcarnival
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 4:37 pm

Sorry to hear that your dad isn't more tolerant, after all, even if he does not agree with your lifestyle, you're still his son, regardless. Anyway, here's how my brother broke the news to us:
We always knew he was gay, from when he was very young, he'd rather hang out with girls and play with dolls than GI Joes. One day, he was about 19 or 20, he brought a "friend" over and we got the hint. So maybe you should talk to your mom to arrange a dinner and have you bring that "friend" (if you have one.)
Oh no, she's getting impatient! Take a stab at it!
 
QANTASforever
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 4:47 pm

Quoting Avek00 (Reply 18):
With respect, I'm actually siding *with* your Dad here. Conservative beliefs on homosexuality aside, he's probably extremely pissed that you weren't man enough to actually tell him face to face - instead, he had to find out that his son was gay through a third-party relative (or non-relative, perhaps).

I don't think that's fair at all. It's unfortunate that his dad found out through a third party, but if he is as accepting and straightforward as you expect his son to be, then he will:

1) Understand that coming out isn't easy; and

2) Open a dialogue with his son.

Quoting Avek00 (Reply 18):
He thought he raised you better than that - good, bad, or ugly, you tell those who ought to know something major like that in person or even over the phone, and don't wait to have them hear it as gossip on the street.

Maybe he did mean to tell him, but this was a personal decision affecting his life - not his fathers. His father should accept that. In the mean time his dad needs to reconcile his prejudice and have a good ole 'Guess who's coming to dinner?' moment.

QFF
Fighting for the glory of the Australian Republic.
 
September11
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 9:47 pm

My dad is not a father to me anymore. He was married 3 times. Currently, he is married to a young lady just 5 years older than me.
Airliners.net of the Future
 
User avatar
Braybuddy
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 10:21 pm

Quoting Avek00 (Reply 18):
Conservative beliefs on homosexuality aside, he's probably extremely pissed that you weren't man enough to actually tell him face to face

And he reacts by ignoring his son? He should have the courage to ask his son out straight (no pun intended). He's more than likely angry, not at his son not telling him, but that his son is gay. It's something most parents don't plan for and they often wonder if they are to blame. So he is possibly angry.
UAL you should confront your dad, not in an aggressive way, and ask him why he is ignoring you and that you'd like to talk to him. If he agrees, that gives you the chance to tell him to his face, and to tell him you love him and that nothing has changed between you as far as you are concerned. If he doesn't want to know he is not yet ready to accept that his son is gay. Walk away with dignity and tell him again that you love him and you'd like to talk to him sometime. You can't force him if he doesn't want to talk. Just throw the ball in his court and hope for the best. Your mother and other people might help him come around. . . sometime. Good luck.
 
erikwilliam
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:25 pm

well man, it´s not easy to accept this thing called sexuality, even worse when you like the same sex.
As said above, it must be very frustrating to your parents and your family, hey problaly don´t know how to deal with this.
Try to talk to them and explain the situation´.
I´m pretty sure that your family still loves you and you´ll figure out something.
Also, don´t let this things about phsicology or genetics affect you, it´s who you are.
At the end, try to respect them, as you´d want them to respect you, like, if they´re not ok(clearly) with you beeing gay, then don´t bring you boyfriend to your house, and things like that. Try to have a normal life at home, and then your sexual option outside. I´m not saying that you have to hide, but respect your family´s opnion to dislike it.
Trust me, you have a better relationship, without fights or anything
I love pot, my mom knows that I use it a lot, but we don´t talk about it, and I try to not be high when I go to her house or things like that.
Your a good looking guy, I´m pretty sure you find someone that likes you etc etc, and IF your family ends up not accepeting it or anything, well, too bad for them that will loose a great guy in the family.

BTW, the tip you gave me about getting mom a SPA day for ther B-day ws great, she really loved it.

So, now tell me, how´s your sys situation???
Dida, Cafu, Lucio, Roque Junior, Roberto Carlo, Emerson, Ze Roberto, Ronaldinho, Kaka, Adriano, Robinho, Ronaldo
 
ZRH
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:42 pm

It is sad to here this, I am sorry. But I am really asking myself if your dad still lives in the last century? It is known in our times that to be gay, is not chosen. Though I am not gay, I am glad that our people in Switzerland voted "yes" with more than 60 % in a referendum to accept a new law that allows the gay people to register officially (a kind of marriage). Specially my city, Zurich, is very open to the gays. I have some good friends who are gay and there is no problem at all. Interestingly the Swiss have the reputation to be very conservative. But regarding the social questions, like to be gay and other similar things we are very open and probably one of most liberal countries in the world.
 
ZRH
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:52 pm

Quoting KLM685 (Reply 12):
Nothing proved with certainty really

It is scientifically proven that to be gay is not chosen but be it since birth! The only organization which does not want to believe it is the Catholic Church. No wonder it is only a few years ago that they rehabilitated Galileo Galilei and accepted that the world is not flat but a globe. It will last about another 1000 years till even this church will admit
 Yeah sure
 
TWFirst
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:56 pm

My thoughts...

1) Your dad is probably wondering if he did something "wrong" to make you gay.

2) Your dad might have deeply repressed gay inclinations... thus his "hatred" for "faggots"... people don't just naturally have this kind of hatred... it's redirected self-hatred.

3) Confront your dad... tell him you know he knows... tell him he didn't do anything wrong to make you gay, nor did you choose to be gay, and you're happy with the way you are (even if that's not entirely true yet).

4) Don't let his issues become your issues... I know it's tough because he's your father and you desire his love and approval, but in the end, you must love yourself.
An unexamined life isn't worth living.
 
flyAUA
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 12:06 am

UAL, I havent had time to read the entire thread cus I have my cousin visiting and I didn't want to be rude. Anyways, I've tucked her into bed and let her have a nap since she's tired from travelling all night. I just wanted to say something while I have the chance and I don't know if somebody has already mentioned this, but here you go.

All your dad needs is some time. Just like you needed time to come to terms with it yourself (when you first realised that it's the way you were born), so does your dad. Your dad loves you and cares about you and might just feel surprised, or maybe even like he has done something "wrong". He'll be fine if you let things settle for a while.

Trust me when my dad found out, he did exactly the same to me and then one evening it just exploded, we had a huge argument, and when I said what my intentions would be he told me something very very nasty. I will never forget those words in my life. I thought we would never have the realtionship we used to anymore. Just a year or two later when he realised he was not being appropriate and came to terms with it, he came up to me one day and apologised for the way he reacted. I just told him that I understood, and that it's ok, and that I was glad he approached me with it now.

Anyways, lesson to learn from this story, be patient and I am sure that you two will be fine again even if it seems like your relationship with your dad has been destroyed. I had exactly the same! Chin up buddy  Smile

Regards,
Moe
Not drinking, also isn't a solution!
 
DucatiRacer
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 12:43 am

I went through a similar situation with my family, although it only took them about 3 days to get over not wanting to talk to me.

The best advice I can give you is to give your Dad time to let things sink in. However, don't listen to any BS about how he may be mad because you were not man enough to tell him. If that is the case, well tough shit for him. Your sexuality is ultimately your issue to deal with as you see fit and you don't owe him or anyone else any explanation for anything to do with your sexual preferences (unless of course you have already married a woman, in which case she may have a right to know!). Besides, I have not met a homo yet whose parents did not already "know" their kid was gay long before any conversation was had on the matter.

Also, don't let your Dad or anyone else run you down or disrespect you because of your sexuality. I have seen too many of my friends put up with tons of crap (which really rises to the level of emotional abuse) from their folks, but they just sit there and take it because they want to maintain some relationship with the parents. If you Dad will not treat you with respect, then you are better off not having a relationship with him, for now at least.

I suspect he will come around, most eventually do. Just remember to be true to yourself.
 
UAL747
Topic Author
Posts: 6725
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 12:44 am

My mom sent me this email. (changed some of the stuff to take out names) She's so sweet!

Philip,

When I get loud with you I want you to realize what you are doing and STOP THAT NEGATIVE THINKING. It makes me angry about you. IT'S NEGATIVE THINKING. And you allow it to eat you up, cause you panic attacks and run your life. Stop it. It makes me mad when you are doing just fine the way you are. Now live with that and go on. If these ignorant people judge you by your so called "sex life." The do not have the right to judge you by who you are. . (Grandparents and Dad) love you and will accept you and maybe will give up some of those prejudices that they have. We let go of some of the prejudices we have of cheating on your wife and we had no choice because we love your grandfather. OUr lives are based on love, not on who we are personally. Let it go and be what God made you. Don't let it mess up how far you have come. Grandma Grandma (my mom's mom) doesn't care who you are, she just loves you. Don't forget her brother was gay and imagine mamaw Ross(Great Grandmother) as your mother. Talk about Old school. Or worse what if my sister was your MOM !!!! (dad and grandparents) are never going to disown you.

I love you and don't panic. who cares. They will get over it.
I love you
MOM
"Bangkok Tower, United 890 Heavy. Bangkok Tower, United 890 Heavy.....Okay, fine, we'll just turn 190 and Visual Our Way
 
Jean Leloup
Posts: 1953
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 12:52 am

That's really nice, UAL747 - you're lucky to have your mom on your side so much! Try to take her advice!

Jean Leloup
Next flight.... who knows.
 
yanksn4
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 1:33 am

It is scientifically proven that to be gay is not chosen but be it since birth! The only organization which does not want to believe it is the Catholic Church. No wonder it is only a few years ago that they rehabilitated Galileo Galilei and accepted that the world is not flat but a globe. It will last about another 1000 years till even this church will admit

Great, more bashing of the Catholic Church  sarcastic  If the church wants to abide and follow the rules of the Bible and those it believe were created by God, then let it. If it feels homosexuality is a sin, then let the church and those who want to believe it! If you're a catholic, jew, athiest, buddisht, whatever, and you differ on opinion with the church, then fine. Get out of the church, but let the church and its members believe what they want to believe.

signed,
Matthew
2013 Airports: EWR, JFK, LGA, LIS, AGP, DEN, GIG, RGN, BKK, LHR, FRA, LAX, SYD, PER, MEL, MCO, MIA, PEK, IAH
 
erikwilliam
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 1:53 am

Quoting Yanksn4 (Reply 36):
Get out of the church, but let the church and its members believe what they want to believe.

ok, but then u have to say to the church to let the homos alone, and don´t say that they are going to hell or whatever ok?!

Quoting UAL747 (Reply 34):
Now live with that and go on. If these ignorant people judge you by your so called "sex life." The do not have the right to judge you by who you are.

Your mom seem to be a great person, and pretty much says what I said

Quoting Erikwilliam (Reply 28):
and IF your family ends up not accepeting it or anything, well, too bad for them that will loose a great guy in the family.

cheer up man, life´s too dam fast.

so, what about your sys?
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luv2fly
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Joined: Tue May 13, 2003 2:57 am

RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 1:56 am

Quoting TWFirst (Reply 31):
My thoughts...

1) Your dad is probably wondering if he did something "wrong" to make you gay.

2) Your dad might have deeply repressed gay inclinations... thus his "hatred" for "faggots"... people don't just naturally have this kind of hatred... it's redirected self-hatred.

3) Confront your dad... tell him you know he knows... tell him he didn't do anything wrong to make you gay, nor did you choose to be gay, and you're happy with the way you are (even if that's not entirely true yet).

4) Don't let his issues become your issues... I know it's tough because he's your father and you desire his love and approval, but in the end, you must love yourself.



Quoting DucatiRacer (Reply 33):
Besides, I have not met a homo yet whose parents did not already "know" their kid was gay long before any conversation was had on the matter.

Also, don't let your Dad or anyone else run you down or disrespect you because of your sexuality. I have seen too many of my friends put up with tons of crap (which really rises to the level of emotional abuse) from their folks, but they just sit there and take it because they want to maintain some relationship with the parents. If you Dad will not treat you with respect, then you are better off not having a relationship with him, for now at least.

I suspect he will come around, most eventually do. Just remember to be true to yourself.

Worth repeating as very good advice! One day when sitting around comparing coming out stories, trust me you will even come to laugh about this. Trust me when I tell you this, no matter how bad you think your coming out story is/was some of us had even worse ones to deal with, myself included.

Take care.
You can cut the irony with a knife
 
dl021
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 2:53 am

Possibility exists that he is both mad that you have deceived him and that he let you feel that you could not approach him with your life.

From everything else you post it looks like he takes pretty good care of you guys....the cars, travel, education...so he might also be feeling irrationally or legitimately betrayed in a way.

If you haven't spoken to the guy maybe you ought to give him some space then approach him.

My brother thought my Dad was a homophobe, but the problems with them really lay elsewhere and they did not discuss them until much later.

[Edited 2005-06-09 20:06:16]
Is my Pan Am ticket to the moon still good?
 
diamond
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 3:01 am

UAL747,

There are a couple of other real possibilities behind your father's attitude toward you.

1. He may be hurt that you've kept this a secret from him while feeling close enough to your mother to confide in her.

2. He may have 'known' for longer than you think and feels awkward about finally having to acknowledge it out in the open.

When people keep secrets from each other for a long time, deciding to be honest can be really painful - although worth it, eventually.

He could be feeling one or both of these things - or he could be a plain old homophobe as you've described him.

Kev
Blank.
 
luv2fly
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 3:32 am

I have to also agree with what Diamond said!
You can cut the irony with a knife
 
Curtisman
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 3:58 am

UAL747,

There may be many reasons why your father reacted the way he did. I don't know if you are asking for advice or not but here is my humble suggestion. Forget about trying to figure him out and simply concentrate on your relationship with him.

Try talking to him. If he won't talk just yet then write him a letter.

Just be honest and let him know who you are.

After that - be patient.
Citizen of the World
 
NUAir
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 4:26 am

Talk about timing!!




I had a somewhat similar experience when I was 18 and in my senior year of high school. When my father found out I was engaged to Puerto Rican girl I met during my AFS trip to Africa and that we were very much sexually active he kicked me out of the house. I went through high school graduation and my first 2 years of college without a single call, e-mail or letter. If I called my house and he answered he wouldn't say a word and just give the phone to my step-mom.

Quoting CurtisMan (Reply 42):
After that - be patient.

Seriously, fathers just need time. Now I talk to my dad all the time and we probably have a better relationship now than ever before.

Your dad will realize you're still his son and that you mean everything to him.

If its really hard read some David Sedaris books they will at least make you laugh about the situation and give you some hope...
"How Many Assholes we got on this ship?" - Lord Helmet
 
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Braybuddy
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 5:52 am

Quoting UAL747 (Reply 34):
I love you and don't panic. who cares. They will get over it.
I love you
MOM

Says it all. Your mom is a strong woman and will no doubt bring everyone round to her way of thinking. Your dad probably needs a bit of time. He has to think over a lot of things and is going though a lot of shit at this time: anger, shock, fear, and any number of other feelings he hadn't planned on going through.

Good luck and let us know how you get on. There are so many boring threads on here that a good real-life one deserves a follow-up!
 
ozvirginuk
Posts: 365
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 6:18 am

UAL747,

I really do feel for you. Although I never had the problem with my dad, that's because he pissed off when I was 10, never to be seen again (good riddance really). When I came out to my mum, she immediately thought that it was all her fault because she was a single parent etc, and wanted me to go to the doctor to see if it was a phase.

Eventually, she came to terms with it (actually she had no choice my boyfriend at the time was having it off with my younger brother at her 50th birthday party, I went a bit crazy and she had gayness shoved in her face... not literally!)

Soon enough my mum was coming out clubbing with me and my bro, who incidentally I still haven't forgiven, and we used to have a great time.

These days, she loves telling people about her gays sons, and actually she is a bit of a Fag hag. I now live in England, but I think half of the Gays in Brisbane must be friends with my mum.... (over exaggeration of course!!)

Things will get better, your mum's email was nice, and indicates that you already have her 100 % support, people around you will get used to it. But you need to remember that the most important thing is that YOU are happy, and to your advantage you're very very good looking.....

Oz
 
avek00
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 8:48 am

Some more blunt, honest, politically incorrect, but truly well-intentioned advice:

1. Your role and ability in helping him cope and hopefully adjust to the news of your sexuality should be and ought to be *limited*. Remember, your father had to find out "on the street" that his son is a homo - in addition to coming to terms with your homosexuality on a personal level, he now has to somehow address it with respect to how he interacts with relatives, friends, co-workers, parishoners, etc. Simply put, as a result of the situation, you lack the ability to make a persuasive or decisive argument in his mind on this - the sentiments and reactions of third parties, such as your mother, supportive relatives, or even progressive-minded co-workers and neighbors, will hold much more sway in his mind than any words, however sincere or heartfelt, from you.

2. It is unreasonable to "demand" or "expect", explicitly or implicitly, that your father accept your sexual orientation. The cold truth is that people generally marry and have kids in the hopes that their offspring will also marry and have kids. Gay marriage and adoption notwithstanding, the fact of the matter is, by acting upon your innate or acquired homosexuality, you have shattered what was perhaps your father's single biggest life hope. The most you can *reasonably* hope for is "adjustment to changed circumstances". If he becomes fully accepting of your homosexuality, excellent. If he refuses to "adjust", that requires respect on *your* part.

All of that being said, here's a course of action that will hopefully assist you:

1. Arrange a sit-down meeting with him in a NEUTRAL location - NOT at his house, his office, your place, a gay restaurant, etc. Your grandparent's place, provided they are willing to leave or not get involved while you both talk, might work - otherwise, choose some other neutral venue. Give several days' advance notice on trying to arrange the meeting, so both of you will have time to compose yourselves and consider your words. Don't expect rapproachment from this meeting - don't even try to persuade him to "accept" your homosexuality. The purpose of this meeting is simply to answer his questions or provide info. as to how you came to know that you were gay.

2. Research any local support groups for parents with gay children. Give this information to your mother, and leave it strictly at that - she will need to have an interest in participating in such a groups before she can do her "sale job" on your father (remember, it's unreasonable for YOU to demand/expect Dad's acceptance, but it's all fair game for her).

3. Fall back. There's little more you can personally do after answering your Dad's questions and giving your Mom info. as to support networks that she and Dad can draw upon. Any more meddling on your part will be of no effect if not counter-productive, and frankly a waste if your Dad decide to not "adjust". Give them time and hope for the best.

Best of luck, and I hope you take my advice while I still give it for free.

[Edited 2005-06-10 01:52:46]
Live life to the fullest.
 
N1120A
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 9:52 am

I think a dose of honesty is what is needed here. I know that as a straight man I will never know just how hard it is to come out but having helped several gay friends through very tough times in coming out, I think I can say something here. I think you need to be honest with your dad. Just go up to him and say "I think we need to talk about things" and come clean. Have him be honest with you as well. Talk about his feelings, not just your own, but make sure that he knows this is who you are and it is not something that will just change. It appears you are very close to your father, and that is something that does not just go away simply because of who you are sleeping with.
Mangeons les French fries, mais surtout pratiquons avec fierte le French kiss
 
regupilot
Posts: 452
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 10:32 am

For UAL747:

I really feel sorry for this (and I wonder why) but you knowing that your dad is as conservative as you said he is, you whould have expected something like this to happen. Now, you need to give him time. He's your dad, and he loves you.. but he needs to make up his mind.

Do you have anyother brother? You know, its quite harder when you're the only son in the house. Anyways, I do know someone who kind of went through the same and it all was fixed at the end. And just like your mom said, your dad loves you because you're his son, not because you're gay or democrat, or fat.

Now, for the God thing and the Bible thing... and for those who believe in the God the Bible talks about (since there are so many other Gods that doesn't come from the Bible- as the source-)... God loves homosexuals. God loves Lesbians, and witches and murders, and robbers... just as much as he loves nuns and children and priests. God loves people for what they are, and he doesn't expect them to change (by themselves). Its all in the Bible - do your reasearch-. What God actually don't like is what all of those people do, including some priests (not all of them are that good). But that's where God's grace and love comes into play. So don't feel God don't love you. He really does. What comes after that is what you hate, but it is then up to you.

I wish you the best.

- Ragu
 
KLM685
Posts: 1506
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RE: Dad Knows, Not Sure What To Do....

Fri Jun 10, 2005 11:07 am

UAL747,

I know you'll probably won't read this what I am saying you. But anyway, here it goes:

I think it's quite admirable what you are passing through. Cuz in my case, what you are living is like my worst nightmare. That means my parents don't know of course, but living what you are living really needs guts and lots and lots of patience. I know it's always easy to say to someone else that everything it's just going to be ok, etc... But when you get to live the real thing of course it's not easy. Really hard experiences have tought me not to focus on what's not worth it and to focus on what really matters.
What really matters is thay you are ok to a certain point of course. But look at the good things of life: your probably healthy, you have great friends, a great mom, etc... IF your father can't see what's good in you, then the only thing you can do is trying not to get affected by it. I know that's hard cuz at the end... his your dad. But you have to look forward, and you have to look into what's good...otherwise you'll depend on your father's emotions and you'll be feeling bad until he says everything is ok.

Desperate situations makes one lose their minds and run everywhere looking for an answer. Looking for something to do...But believe me on this on: Sometimes it's better just to stay calm and wait till things clear up again... Rather than running and looking everywhere cuz we always wants things to solve up quickly. IN my opinion I think patience is the way to go.

You and your father need time to find balance again and quick "solutions" are not always the way to go. Sometimes they go even worst.

Just stay calm. And of course I you need anything, you know you have these "strangers" that will help you cheer you up or that'll even listen if you need to be listened.

Cheer up man. Hot guys don't look hot when they're sad  Wink

Alonso
KLM- The Best Airline in the World!

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