klm672
Posts: 2514
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 1999 6:09 am

A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 2:25 am

ok so her name is ashley, we met in art class. We hung out (she had her bf for like 3 years or something so i didnt have a crush or anything on her) and sometimes she'd come up to the dorm to play ps2 or whatever. We'd talk a lot on AIM and we went spotting (watching planes) at the sairport once. She said to me it was the most amazing experience in her life ever! Anyways when i left college i thought it would be months since i'd see her next due to jetblue and she said she loved me and that i was awsome and if she didnt have her boy she'd date me. Well during this vacation i emailed and called her and it took weeks for her to respond, we had plans to go to the airport but she said she couldn't do to babysitting and she had the fleu. Well a good 2 weeks went by and i heard nothing so i emailed her and asked if she was mad at me and she wrote back this: (sorry if i am breaking the rules here but its kinda important)
"Hey Andre,
I'm sorry to hear about JetBlue. I am not mad or annoyed at you, but as you
may have also guessed, the boy got jealous of me spending time with you. I
really care about Justin and dont want to lose him, but he feels threatened
by you and said he would feel better if we weren't hanging out. I know it
sounds absurd that I have actually listened to this, but he is the love of
my life and I would do anything for him. You and I got pretty close and it
threatened the relationship between me and justin. You aren't the only guy
he feels threatened by. I'm sorry I didn't tell you this sooner and that
I've tried to keep it from you for so long.
-Ashley"

Whenever I go online and she is on she'll sign off or if i am online first she'll come on and sign off right off. I don't really want to lose her cause all she was a good friend. Any tips or advice?
 
kaddyuk
Posts: 3697
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2001 1:04 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 2:31 am

Quoting KLM672 (Thread starter):
she had her bf for like 3 years or something so i didnt have a crush or anything on her

Her having a boyfriend shouldnt matter whether you have a crush on her or not...

Quoting KLM672 (Thread starter):
Any tips or advice?

Leave her alone?
Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" never had Gonorrhea
 
Newark777
Posts: 8284
Joined: Thu Dec 02, 2004 6:23 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 2:34 am

Quoting KLM672 (Thread starter):
Whenever I go online and she is on she'll sign off or if i am online first she'll come on and sign off right off. I don't really want to lose her cause all she was a good friend. Any tips or advice?

Yeah, sounds like she's trying to avoid you on AIM. I do the same thing to this kid who's trying to sell me Cutco knives, but I don't want to listen to his presentation. If I were you, I'd let things settle down a bit before trying to talk to her. Last thing you want is her to feel like you're stalking her or something.

Harry
Why grab a Heine when you can grab a Busch?
 
TheSorcerer
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Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2005 3:35 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 2:35 am

Quoting Kaddyuk (Reply 1):
Quoting KLM672 (Thread starter):
Any tips or advice?

Leave her alone?

By the looks of the situation there's not much else you can do.
Shame though that it's turned out for you like this.
Dominic
ALITALIA,All Landings In Torino, All Luggage In Athens ;)
 
jap
Posts: 2196
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2005 7:25 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 2:38 am

Quote:
he is the love of my life



This should tell you everything. She wants you to leave her alone (in the sense that you can probably still be friends- but anything other than that is out of the question, as I understood it), and you should respect that.

Would you want anyone to ruin your relationship? It does take two to tango (meaning if she does cheat on her b/f -which, by the way, it doesn't sound like she is going to- it's her fault too) but by staying as far away from this as you can, you're doing her, her boyfriend and most likely yourself a big favor...

There're so many other fish in the sea... and I don't think this one is an option...
Scandinavian chick with a scandinavian horse- oh yeah! :D
 
kaddyuk
Posts: 3697
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2001 1:04 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 2:40 am

Quoting Jap (Reply 4):
There're so many other fish in the sea

But the water can be quite polluted, the lake is overfished and some of the fishes are bit weird and smelly...
Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" never had Gonorrhea
 
jap
Posts: 2196
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2005 7:25 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 2:43 am

Quoting Kaddyuk (Reply 5):
But the water can be quite polluted, the lake is overfished and some of the fishes are bit weird and smelly...

 biggrin  You pessimist!
Scandinavian chick with a scandinavian horse- oh yeah! :D
 
MattRB
Posts: 1358
Joined: Wed Apr 27, 2005 4:49 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 2:50 am

Write a nice little note about how you're sorry to lose her friendship. Wish her the best and then delete her from your friends list and move on.
Aviation is proof that given, the will, we have the capacity to achieve the impossible.
 
klm672
Posts: 2514
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 1999 6:09 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:00 am

Matt, that seems to be the best option. We did get so close as friends, thoughout my life i havent had very many friends, but yeah i am young so i guess its a good time to move on. Not really sure what to put in that letter though.
 
BigOrange
Posts: 2291
Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 2:20 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:05 am

Quoting Kaddyuk (Reply 5):
But the water can be quite polluted, the lake is overfished and some of the fishes are bit weird and smelly

Only in Oldham!
 
User avatar
casinterest
Posts: 5367
Joined: Sat Feb 12, 2005 5:30 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:14 am

KLM,
Just tell her that you valued her friendship, and that although you feel a bit hurt by the decision you will honor it. Let go and move on.

In a few years you will look back and just laugh at how absurd it is.
If she is all about this guy let her be. Her ability to follow his wishes and stick up for her friends leaves me wondering how well off she will be in the future. However you need to bow out and let her learn for herself.
Older than I just was ,and younger than I will soo be.
 
amhilde
Posts: 628
Joined: Thu Oct 23, 2003 5:01 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:22 am

Hey, friends come and go in this life. You messed this one up, so let her be and if she wants to come back, then she will. There is nothing more annoying to a girl than a guy who cant take a massive HINT to leave her alone. Dont leave her alone now, and there is a chance she may never come back to be your friend.

So- go out, find new friends and unattached girls!
Hang on tightly, Let go lightly
 
BR715-A1-30
Posts: 6525
Joined: Thu May 30, 2002 9:30 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 6:57 am

Do what I did...

I went to my ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend (this was months after we had broken up and are now the best of friends), and I told him personally that I was not after his girlfriend in any way, and that she is my best friend, and I look out for her as much as I can. He seemed then to understand my position, and I even told him that if there is anything I can do to help either him or her, to let me know.. At one time, he really didn't like me, but then he understood my position and started talking to me more, and I even get to hang out with my best friend from time to time.. Go to Justin or whatever his name is, and tell him that you respect their relationship, but she is a good friend to you. If he can't respect his girlfriend's friendships, he needs to get help. I know it is common for guys to look at other guys as evil spiders, but you need to let him know your position. If he tells you to stay away from his girlfriend, then there isn't much else you can do. But I talked to the dude and after talking to him, he understood.. I told him that if there was ever a problem that I would want him to tell me about it, and he agreed... So now we talk from time to time, and I even get to do stuff with my best friend (when she isn't busy with school).  Smile
Puhdiddle
 
futureualpilot
Posts: 2404
Joined: Thu May 25, 2000 10:52 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 7:14 am

BR715 gave good advice, make it clear that you only intend to maintain a friendship with her, and that you won't make it anything more because you know what they have together.
Life is better when you surf.
 
macc
Posts: 895
Joined: Tue Nov 09, 2004 8:11 pm

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 7:28 am

i am not with you guys on this.
it would be her damned responsibility to not let friends down just because she is in love. make it clear that you respect her as friend (and as a friend only), and let things happen. if she gives up all her friends just because this guy cannot stand it, then she isnt worth more thoughts.

these things happen a lot of time and i am sick being called ones "best" friend just to learn that whenever the crisis is over and a new love arrived that there is no response anymore at the other end of the line.

dont try to understand everything. its on them to understand a bit more.
I exchanged political frustration with sexual boredom. better spoil a girl than the world
 
backfire
Posts: 3467
Joined: Fri Oct 06, 2006 8:01 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 7:53 am

Can't believe some of the crap "advice" being given here.


"I really care about Justin and dont want to lose him, but he feels threatened
by you and said he would feel better if we weren't hanging out. I know it
sounds absurd that I have actually listened to this..."


She admits it herself - it's absurd. And it is. Why should a friendship suffer just because her wet, insecure, babyish 'boyfriend' (emphasis on 'boy', because he's certainly not a man) can't handle life?

What's she supposed to do? Ban every guy from her life? How much will she care about this loser once she realises that he's costing her every potential male friend she might otherwise have?

He needs to grow up and get a pair. And you need to tell her that while you're prepared to respect her wishes, she's doing no-one (including herself, and the tosser she's dating) any favours.

It's the worst mistake in the history of dating to abandon good friends, because they're the ones who stay constant when relationships end. And when this one hits the wall - as it inevitably will, because she'll get sick of his insecure restrictions - she's suddenly going to realise she's got no friends left to turn to, because of her selfishness.

Sometimes being a friend means telling people the things they don't want to hear.
 
kiwiinoz
Posts: 1999
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 3:07 pm

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 8:20 am

Pretty sure I can what is going on here.

KLM672, it's quite clear to me from the way you write about this girl that you are interested in much more than a friendship if it is available. And it also sounds pretty clear that at some stage she felt the same way about you, but that has since passed and she has shacked up with another bloke.

This being the case, it is understandable that you are off limits. I would even suggest that at some stage she may have even suggested to her boyfriend that you two bordered on being a little more than friends at one stage in the past.

There's a lot of assumptions here but I'm just reading between the lines. If it is the case, you won't be doing yourself any favours staying in touch. Make her your fallback chick when you are 30 and unmarried, go and look for her then. In the meantime, move on.
 
jafa39
Posts: 4320
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:14 pm

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 8:38 am

Quoting KLM672 (Thread starter):
Any tips or advice?

Find another girl, love is complicated enough without trying to pull someone else's girlf.

Think how you would feel if you were him and all will become clear.
We, the undersigned, do hereby consent.....
 
klm672
Posts: 2514
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 1999 6:09 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 9:50 am

Hello. Thanks for all the good replies, getting both ends the good and the bad is very helpful. yes, if she was single we'd date, we both decided that, she was the first to say that to me. I had this little thing going with Jetblue Airways (a few interviews etc) and she was there for me, she made me flash cards (airport codes) and was even drawing a picture for me. I was told by her roommate just before the holiday break that i should stay in touch with her because she does miss me sometimes. I guess it was a shock to me at this huge turn and yes we did get close, nothing physcial. People will come and go, and they do, I guess this is the first time a friendship had to end on these terms (opposed to school, work etc). Thanks again, I still have not sent an email, I am unsure if I should or just stop, period.

[Edited 2006-01-10 01:59:03]
 
yvrtoyyz
Posts: 626
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2004 10:10 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 2:17 pm

Ask Flairport; he's got lots of experience in this realm.
 
bill142
Posts: 7853
Joined: Wed Aug 04, 2004 1:50 pm

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 2:35 pm

Tell her boyfriend to get a life. Tell him that hes standing in the way of her having decent friendships.
 
brokenrecord
Posts: 747
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:45 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:07 pm

Persistence can pay off, but it does not sound like it will in this case.
 
amhilde
Posts: 628
Joined: Thu Oct 23, 2003 5:01 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:20 pm

Yeah but you guys, you tell a bf to grow up and get a pair and most likely she will side with the bf. She ( at this point in time) cant see what an insecure dope he is- and how old is she anyway? Probably too young to have yet learned the life lessons of being able to spot loser men. Hes probably too young to have learned to grow up- seems to take guys a while. Besides, give her space and maybe shell clue in- right now with KLM672 doing the friend thing shes getting the emotional support shes probably lacking from the bf. Remove that and maybe shell see the light in the end.
Hang on tightly, Let go lightly
 
skysurfer
Posts: 1034
Joined: Wed Sep 15, 2004 5:37 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:21 pm

I've been there before, and in my case as much as it hurt i just broke off all contact. I didn't want to, but she was a good friend so i just walked away to make it easier for her even though it made it harder for me. There's lots of things i could say, but they only apply to my situation because my mind was set on leaving my friend behind so she could have a good life in her own mind. I'm sorry to hear wht you're going through, it brings back so much and i hope in time you'll feel better....other than that i can't say anything.
In the dark you can't see ugly, but you can feel fat
 
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fxramper
Posts: 5837
Joined: Sun Dec 04, 2005 12:03 pm

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:26 pm

Why not call Dr. Phil instead of asking for advice on this site? I'll never understand this forum with people spilling their guts about who died in their familing, who broke their heart, or who took a shit on them today a work...

Sorry if this sounds heartless...

 Confused
 
brokenrecord
Posts: 747
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:45 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:29 pm

FXramper,
t3h intArweb is preferred because of the anonymity. No one here knows the OP, so he feels comfortable sharing his problems to the masses.
 
kiwiinoz
Posts: 1999
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 3:07 pm

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:32 pm

Quoting FXramper (Reply 24):
Why not call Dr. Phil instead of asking for advice on this site? I'll never understand this forum with people spilling their guts about who died in their familing, who broke their heart, or who took a shit on them today a work...

It's non-av, it's pretty obvious that people will discuss their personal lives. What would you like to see it confined to?
 
Gatorman96
Posts: 807
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 2:22 am

RE: A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf

Tue Jan 10, 2006 4:01 pm

This might sound wierd, but the only way to keep her around is to give her space. The more you try to talk to her, the more pissed her bf will get, and the farther she will push herself away from you. Give her her space, and see wha happens. Her bf sounds like a tool...
Cha brro

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