Pe@rson
Topic Author
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Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2001 6:29 pm

Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 1:38 am

You'll all (if you're American, that's y'all) be utterly pleased to know that my forthcoming book, entitled Ponies, pheasants and mud: the ultimate guide to falling over, is now almost finished.

My book, which is short-listed for the coveted The Must-Have Book 2006 award, will be available everywhere* from the 1st April, 2006. It’ll be priced at £9.99 and represent terrific value-for-money.

As a sign of my kindness, I have decided to give you, fellow A.netters, a snippet of my book, namely Chapter 1, which will undoubtedly bring you more pleasure and enjoyment than... umm... umm... muscles, oven-chips, homemade mayonnaise and beer. Enjoy.

Chapter 1: how to fall perfectly in 18 ½ easy steps

Step 1: while walking casually, with your hands in your pockets and your warm winter hat sitting snugly on your head, survey the area to find a path which meets the stringent path requirements

Step 2: the said stringent requirements mean that a path must: have a gradient of 1/10; curl snake-like; be 1 ½-foot wide; have a 100-foot sheer drop to the left-hand side; be totally devoid of grass, in place of which being thick, slurry-like orangey-brown mud; have a field to the right-hand side with two shaggy but extremely cute Shetland Ponies, one of which being hazelnut-brown, the other snow-white; have a National Trust ‘Beware: Landsides Possible’ sign; and, last but not least, have innumerable dumb pheasants, of the Pheasant Air Force (PAF), patrolling aimlessly, all of which moving slower than a 90-year-old granddad with a hernia

Step 3: proceed to the start of the path

Step 4: take a big, inward breath, and place your right-hand boot onto the path

Step 5: ensure your mind is free of all thoughts, except one: why do I always post random rubbish?

Step 6: GO, GO, GO!

Step 7: slide from side-to-side, unable to control yourself, like an amateur ice-skater

Step 8: grab onto a near-by branch for support (too convenient – it must be chopped down)

Step 9: steady yourself. Ahhh, it’s OK. Phew. That was a close one. Wipe sweat from your forehead. No worries now, mate

Step 10: AND YOU’RE OFF AGAIN! The clock’s ticking. Tick, tock

Step 11: you stumble, like walking about a strange house in darkness, and…

Step 12: you FALL - crash, bang, wallop – into the boot-deep mud. Yuck!

Step 13: you curse yourself, the path, the mud

Step 14: you hear the Shetland Ponies snigger to themselves – they won’t be getting any grass from you, that’s for sure – while the PAF departs quicker than fighter planes

Step 15: you stand, frustrated, and examine the mud, which is now everywhere

Step 16: you begin to laugh at the adventure and the fall – it’s not so bad after all. You give yourself a tap-on-the-back – with your mud-covered hand

Step 17: you think you could do it even better, purely for the amusement of the ponies

Step 18: you repeat steps 1-18 until the fall is perfected

Step 18 ½: you move on, satisfied with your achievement.

Now you’re obviously full of excitement, I’ll tell you the titles of two of my other chapters:

Chapter 2: the fall after the fall before

Chapter 3: let’s all fall together (in perfect harmony)

------------------

Would I have fallen once or twice (or three or four) times today into the mud? Surely not! And they were all accidental, too. Honest.

Whoever said laughing at yourself was good was totally wrong.  Wink



* In Tajikistan.
"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."
 
sunshine79
Posts: 1559
Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:02 am

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:01 am

I can't wait. I'll be standing outside WH Smith's two days before, so I don't miss out on the first copy. Are you gonna do a book-signing?  Silly
Formerly alcregular, Why drive when you can fly?
 
cfcuq
Posts: 699
Joined: Wed Sep 07, 2005 1:55 pm

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:20 am

Quoting Sunshine79 (Reply 1):
I can't wait.

Don't encourage him ......
 
skidmarks
Posts: 6614
Joined: Fri Dec 10, 2004 7:51 pm

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:24 am

I wanna JCB like he's got. He digs holes for himself faster than a Paddy on Speed! Big grin

Andy  old 
Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional
 
Pe@rson
Topic Author
Posts: 16003
Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2001 6:29 pm

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:32 am

Quoting Skidmarks (Reply 3):
He digs holes for himself faster

Like what?

I'm ashamed no-one else enjoyed my imaginative thread. Miserable gits.  Wink
"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."
 
Gofly
Posts: 1579
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2005 4:12 am

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:35 am

Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 4):
I'm ashamed no-one else enjoyed my imaginative thread.

Hmmm... Me too!  Wink Big grin
Living the high life on my ex-Airliners.net Moderator pension...
 
Pe@rson
Topic Author
Posts: 16003
Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2001 6:29 pm

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:36 am

Quoting Gofly (Reply 5):
Hmmm... Me too!

And you can shut-up as well.  Wink
"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."
 
Gofly
Posts: 1579
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2005 4:12 am

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:38 am

Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 6):
And you can shut-up as well

Dream on you  old  git!  silly 
Living the high life on my ex-Airliners.net Moderator pension...
 
ArmitageShanks
Posts: 3754
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2003 5:30 am

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:38 am

Well, there's a book I won't be buying.

Yuck.
 
Banco
Posts: 14343
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2001 11:56 pm

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:43 am

Given that young James still has to get Mummy to read to him at night, any prospect of something like this being remotely plausible disappears about one line in....  Yeah sure


 Wink
She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot.
 
Pe@rson
Topic Author
Posts: 16003
Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2001 6:29 pm

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:46 am

Quoting Banco (Reply 9):
Given that young James still has to get Mummy to read to him at night, any prospect of something like this being remotely plausible disappears about one line in....

Definitely. Better young than old like yourself, what with the incontinence, the need to be fed and watered and the need to be bathed. The list is endless, but I'm a kind fellow so won't disclose all your requirements.
"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."
 
Logan22L
Posts: 4464
Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2004 5:59 am

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:48 am

Quoting Pe@rson (Thread starter):
Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Another journal about strange sexual fantasies. Just what we need.
"The deeper you go, the higher you fly. The higher you fly, the deeper you go."
 
Banco
Posts: 14343
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2001 11:56 pm

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:55 am

Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 10):
Definitely. Better young than old like yourself, what with the incontinence, the need to be fed and watered and the need to be bathed. The list is endless, but I'm a kind fellow so won't disclose all your requirements.

Look, I've told you before: No matter how much you  hissyfit  you aren't getting a rise in your pocket money.  Big grin
She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot.
 
Pe@rson
Topic Author
Posts: 16003
Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2001 6:29 pm

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:58 am

Quoting Banco (Reply 12):
Look, I've told you before: No matter how much you you aren't getting a rise in your pocket money.

I'm surprised you can reach into your pocket and clutch money, what with your arthritis. Still, you'll be dead soon.
"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."
 
Banco
Posts: 14343
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2001 11:56 pm

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 4:02 am

Quoting Pe@rson (Reply 13):
I'm surprised you can reach into your pocket and clutch money, what with your arthritis. Still, you'll be dead soon.

I don't need to. What with being mature and wealthy, I can get my minions to do it. And I have the advantage of being able to afford all that extra healthcare.

You can always donate a kidney if you need the cash...  Wink
She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot.
 
Pe@rson
Topic Author
Posts: 16003
Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2001 6:29 pm

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 4:04 am

Quoting Banco (Reply 14):
You can always donate a kidney if you need the cash...

Why would I need cash? I hear they're crying out for people's organs nowadays. I've already had a half-payment on all of yours. There is a problem, though: they didn't realise yours barely work nowadays (given your age) so they're wanting their money back.

* Takes all your money and runs into the night.*
"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."
 
9VSPO
Posts: 4187
Joined: Sun May 18, 2008 9:03 pm

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 4:13 am

Pe@rson,

I wholeheartdly look forward to seeing it in the bargain bin at Asda with all the other junk 'reduced to clear' and I will fork out for a copy.

And I mean that from the heart of my botto....I mean the bottom of my heart.  Wink
 
skidmarks
Posts: 6614
Joined: Fri Dec 10, 2004 7:51 pm

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 4:37 am

James, it was VERY imaginative, inventive and informative. And crap Big grin

Andy  old  and do you really think we would tell you we liked it?  wink 
Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional
 
Pe@rson
Topic Author
Posts: 16003
Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2001 6:29 pm

RE: Ponies, Pheasants And Mud

Sun Feb 19, 2006 6:04 am

Quoting Skidmarks (Reply 17):
it was VERY imaginative, inventive and informative.

Thanks.  Big grin

Quoting Skidmarks (Reply 17):
And crap

 hissyfit   Sad
"Everyone writing for the Telegraph knows that the way to grab eyeballs is with Ryanair and/or sex."

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