seb146
Posts: 14335
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 1999 7:19 am

Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 7:11 am

It has been a while since any relationship issues have come up and I have a doozy!

My boyfriend visits hook-up sites. Not really an issue. To a point, I see that like looking at porn: we are both adult males and adult males look at porn. But, he clicks the "remember me on this computer" box so I can access the site under his name. Yes, that is bad. But:

The reason I go on under his name is he had talked about going to Florida to meet with a guy he had met through one of those sites to see if our relationship is the one he wanted or if the one if Florida was the one. So, now, I click on under his name and I see he is telling guys he is in a relationship but still looking just in case.

We had a huge blow up about a month ago. I was comparing him to John (an abusive ex) and he pointed out that I was just looking for an excuse because that is what I have done with all my past relationships. Okay, he is right on that. So, I told him that is somthing I would work on and I would give 100% to this relationship. All I ask is he give 100% to our relationship. It does not seem like he is giving 100%, but I don't think I can approach him with this, but I think something needs to be said.

Let me say: Matt (my current) is not abusive to me. I *will not* go through that again. He knows if he tries anything like that, there is nothing he can say or do to live here with me. That is the end.

What do I do?

GO CANUCKS!!
Patriotic and Proud Liberal
 
searpqx
Posts: 4173
Joined: Thu Jun 29, 2000 10:36 am

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 7:19 am

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it doesn't sound like (in his eyes at least) you have a relationship, instead you're just dating and happen to live together. A relationship is where two people commit to each other and doesn't sound like he's ready to do that. If you've told him that what you want (and that is what you have to do) and he can't/won't commit, then you need to decide if you're ok with that or move on.
"The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity"
 
stlgph
Posts: 9176
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 4:19 pm

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 7:28 am

Quoting Searpqx (Reply 1):
I don't mean to sound harsh, but it doesn't sound like (in his eyes at least) you have a relationship, instead you're just dating and happen to live together. A relationship is where two people commit to each other and doesn't sound like he's ready to do that. If you've told him that what you want (and that is what you have to do) and he can't/won't commit, then you need to decide if you're ok with that or move on.

Totally agree. I just went through all that shit with a Pyschowad accusing me daily of hooking up with anybody and everybody...including coworkers and friends I had known for many years and hadn't even touched once. The best part is, he left open an email account he used to hook up with and I thought, ahh, why not snoop through his crap since he barges through mine....and come to find out everything he had ever accused me of doing...he was entirely and completely guilty of. Needless to say, even though I had moved on quite a while before hand, I moved on for good right after that.

Quoting Seb146 (Thread starter):
What do I do?

Move out.
if assumptions could fly, airliners.net would be the world's busiest airport
 
ABfemme
Posts: 1189
Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2005 9:59 pm

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 8:53 am

Quoting Seb146 (Thread starter):
the "remember me on this computer"

I see that as deceitful and would take that as the beginning of the end of the relationship. Time to make a change, serious talks and tell him how you feel about this, either he makes a real effort to keep the relationship alive or forget it - you move on, there's plenty more fish in the sea as they say.
Bit harsh but that's life.
Best of luck
Claire
Women do not have hot flushes, they have power surges
 
RobertNL070
Posts: 4160
Joined: Mon Sep 22, 2003 4:29 am

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 8:58 am

Quoting ABfemme (Reply 3):

 checkmark 

A girl after my heart. If I wasn't gay ...........  silly 

Regards, Robert  bouncy 
Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.
 
stlgph
Posts: 9176
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 4:19 pm

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 9:07 am

Quoting RobertNL070 (Reply 4):
A girl after my heart. If I wasn't gay ........... silly

hey hot stuff.....over here....
if assumptions could fly, airliners.net would be the world's busiest airport
 
ABfemme
Posts: 1189
Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2005 9:59 pm

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 9:13 am

Quoting RobertNL070 (Reply 4):
A girl after my heart. If I wasn't gay ...........

Well thankyou, I see that as a compliment !

Hope I can help a few more people on here as I reckon I am worldly wise being that bit  old  er !!

Kind regards

Claire
Women do not have hot flushes, they have power surges
 
seb146
Posts: 14335
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 1999 7:19 am

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 9:44 am

Quoting STLGph (Reply 2):
Quoting Seb146 (Thread starter):
What do I do?

Move out.

It's my apartment, so I should ask him to move out.

Quoting ABfemme (Reply 3):
I see that as deceitful and would take that as the beginning of the end of the relationship.

Yes, I know that is deceitful, but the way I see it, if he was really serious about us, he would not be spending so much time on those sites, right?

GO CANUCKS!!
Patriotic and Proud Liberal
 
Nordair
Posts: 1080
Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2005 1:36 am

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 9:47 am

Quoting Seb146 (Thread starter):
So, now, I click on under his name and I see he is telling guys he is in a relationship but still looking just in case.

That pretty much sums it up right there. He's treating you as though you're good enough for now, but he believes there is better out there and he is still looking.

If it were me, I would take my self respect and wipe it in his face and then walk away for good. You deserve better.
"It is never legitimate to use the words of scripture to promote a loveless agenda." - Right Rev. Dr. Peter Short
 
ABfemme
Posts: 1189
Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2005 9:59 pm

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 9:50 am

Quoting Seb146 (Reply 7):
Yes, I know that is deceitful, but the way I see it, if he was really serious about us, he would not be spending so much time on those sites, right?

Sorry but the answer is yes,

That's it in a nutshell

 sorry 
Women do not have hot flushes, they have power surges
 
Nordair
Posts: 1080
Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2005 1:36 am

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 9:51 am

Quoting Seb146 (Reply 7):
It's my apartment, so I should ask him to move out.

Change the locks, pack his bags, and tape a list of his online contacts to the side of one of the suitcases.
"It is never legitimate to use the words of scripture to promote a loveless agenda." - Right Rev. Dr. Peter Short
 
stlgph
Posts: 9176
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 4:19 pm

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 9:56 am

Quoting Seb146 (Reply 7):

It's my apartment, so I should ask him to move out.

that would be correct.
if assumptions could fly, airliners.net would be the world's busiest airport
 
usnseallt82
Posts: 4727
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2004 4:49 pm

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 10:50 am

Quoting Seb146 (Thread starter):
What do I do?

Get a dog.
Crye me a river
 
seb146
Posts: 14335
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 1999 7:19 am

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 4:08 pm

Quoting Usnseallt82 (Reply 12):
Quoting Seb146 (Thread starter):
What do I do?

Get a dog.

Yeah, but I am barely responsible enough for a fish  Smile

GO CANUCKS!!
Patriotic and Proud Liberal
 
TBCITDG
Posts: 851
Joined: Sat Jan 10, 2004 5:17 am

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 7:13 pm

There is nothing wrong with the two of you guys looking at porn on the net, so long as limits have been placed before hand that you both agree on.
ie: no personals, no posting of pictures, no contacts etc etc
You get my drift?

Having said that though any guy that treats you like your man is treating you is not worth the effort. I mean why is this guy with you if he is "looking" elsewhere to check if there is anything better on offer. Are you allowed to do the same?
As stated before this sounds more like dating to me rather than a relationship.

Time to wave goodbye to him!
 
raffik
Posts: 1531
Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:50 am

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 8:29 pm

He sounds like he's unwilling to comit! Ask him whether or not he wants to work at the relationship and salvage any love you share, or walk away. It's easier to end it now rather than years down the line, so think hard about what you want!  brokenheart 

Quoting TBCITDG (Reply 14):
There is nothing wrong with the two of you guys looking at porn on the net, so long as limits have been placed before hand that you both agree on.
ie: no personals, no posting of pictures, no contacts etc etc

You are so right! I found that my ex had placed an advert on direct dating! He was a rotten scum bag- cheating behind my back, beating me, isolating me and accusing me of being unfaithful. I was 16 when I moved in with him, and he was 30, so it was very easy for him to make me completely dependent on him. I had moved a long way from my family too. I ran away a few days before my 20th with a bin liner of my most prized possesions- left everything else behind. My life is great now!

What I am saying is that it's hard decision to make, but once you get over the initial step, it gets easier and easier.
 cloudnine 
- Alec
 
767Lover
Posts: 3254
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2003 6:32 am

RE: Relationship Issues

Tue Mar 14, 2006 9:15 pm

Quoting Seb146 (Thread starter):
It does not seem like he is giving 100%

Seem? He's NOT.

Quoting Seb146 (Thread starter):
but I don't think I can approach him with this, but I think something needs to be said.

If you are in a relationship that's close enough to be living together, you should be able to speak to him about this.

Quoting Seb146 (Thread starter):
What do I do?

Kick him out.

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