That Family Guy lovefest was making me sick! Thanks for starting this...I got all these on a forward from a fellow Simpsons freak a couple of years back
Bart: What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well, maybe if he had had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught 'im.
Homer: Oh! And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember that time I took a home wine making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Homer: If the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's
that girls should stick to girl sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.
Homer (giving a lecture on marriage): What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "The process of removing weeds from one's garden."
Homer (reading Internet for Dummies): Wow... they've got the Internet on
Marge: You know, it's funny... your father and my mother both seem very
Homer: Tee hee hee hee hee! That is funny!
Homer: A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now
why God portions it out in those little packets.
Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees?
Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees
Lisa (reading invitation): "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.
Homer: (Offering Lisa a donut.) Donut?
Lisa: Uhh... got any fruit?
Homer: This one has purple in it. Purple's a fruit.
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful...magical
Doctor: (Eating a hot dog) Delicious!
Homer: I've got the presciption for you, Doctor... another hot beef
injection! (Hands him a hot dog)
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or
a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
Mr. Burns (Golfing with Homer): Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.
Homer: For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "...you're
making a scene."
Homer (Upon finding out he's been admitted to college): (Singing) I am
so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie...where our beds and TV
Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Homer: Woo hoo! Cheap meat!
Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's a waffle Bart stuck to the
(Marge pries the waffle off the ceiling.)
Homer: Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... (munch munch munch)
Homer: Mmmm... beer.
Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible
cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except
Homer: Mmmm... invisible cola.
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Homer: Mmmm... free goo.
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's
get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk...
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Homer: If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporhing events, it's not whether
you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson
is, never try.
Homer: Mmmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch
munch)...63 (munch munch munch)
(cut to much later)
Homer: 2... (munch munch munch) ... 1 (munch munch munch)
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.
Homer: Mmmmm... floor pie.
Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty...THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP
! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO
HELL! (Starts sobbing uncontrollably)
Homer: Ahhh... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
Homer: Mmmm... bowling alley fresh.
Homer: Mmmm... urinal fresh.
Homer: Mmmm... elephant fresh.
Homer: Mmmm... soylent green.
Homer: Mmmm... crumbled-up cookie things.
Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo hoo!
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I
thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was painful and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
Homer (Looking at a "nudie deck"): "The girls of the internet." Ooh, I'd go online with them anyday!
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Homer: Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
Homer (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch munch).
Homer: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing
defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Apu: Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?
Homer: Uhhh... spray the boy.
Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I
became deeply cynical.
Homer: Rock stars... is there anything they don't know?
Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back
Homer: To find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders.
Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o! And I wear the same stupid
sweater every day and...
Homer: The Springfield river!
At the Chili Cookoff
Homer: Five-alarm chili, eh?
Homer: [eats some] One, two... hey, what's the big idea?
Ned: Oh, I admit it. It's only two-alarm, two-and-a-half, tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids.
Todd: Daddy? Are you going to jail?
Ned: We'll see, son. We'll see.
George: I'll ruin you like a Japanese banquet! I'll take your head and -- Gorbachev! Heh, what are you doing here?
Mikhail: I just dropped by with present for warming of house. Instead, find you grappling with local oaf.
Homer: Oh, brought some of your commie friends to help you fight dirty, eh?
George: But Mikhail, they put a wig on my head, my memoirs --
Barbara: George! This is the last straw. You apologize to Homer right now!
George: But Bar, [quietly] we can't show any weakness in front of the Russians.
Barbara: [reproachful] George...
George: [pause] Yes, dear.
Mikhail: [speaks Russian to his driver, and laughs]