Before you all flame me - i'm having a giggle with this one.
A-NET EXPERTS ALLOWED SAY IN HOW
I've been told by a very close friend of mine, who works with this guy, who knows this dude who had a beer with a guy once who looks a bit like this guy who does the windows of the house of this dude who cleans the pool belonging a friend to a very high up member of the board at a very well known, extremely large aircraft manufacturer, that the company in question is out of ideas for a new plane design, and are looking to enlist the help of some experienced, established experts to help them out, and of course, are looking to the A-net community for advice. (NB
- A-net members from anywhere apart from the US are deemed to be cave-dwelling illiterates, and therefore probably commie/Al-Qaida spies, and are exempt from taking part. Apart from folks from Costa Rica, and Panama, who are going to be American soon enough...)
It must be:
* Built in the USA.
* A twin engined plane. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is automatically branded "a failure".
* Have cockpit commonality with everything else in every single fleet anywhere in the world, because cockpit commonality is nearly as important as stuff like breathing and wings etc. Airlines that dont have commonality are classed as "stupid airlines" are should seek advice from A-net forthwith.
* It must be built without official state aid. Reciprocal trade deals, and shadowy political manouvering cannot be proven and therefore didnt happen.
* Be ETOPS-500 rated from EIS.
* It must sell well from the outset. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".
* Break even for the type should be at 5 airframes. No more than this.
* It must have 100% despatch reliability from EIS. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".
* It must have several Blue-chip airline orders for it to launch. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".
* "Because it sucks, man" is a legitimate reason for choosing to replace any existing Airbus with the new plane.
* It is not allowed, under any circumstances, to have any testing or modifications done outside of projections during the testing phase. Any design flaws, regardless of whether they can be fixed, are deemed to be "very poor" - and will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".
* Its wings must bend 290% of structural limits. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".
* It must be powered by a joint GE
/PW/RR engine, because engine fleet commonality is nearly as important as stuff like breathing and wings etc. Airlines that dont have commonality are classed as "stupid airlines" are should seek advice from A-net forthwith.
* It must offer a 90% performance advantage on what currently exists, even if existing planes are brand new. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".
* Using this new plane, it is perfectly acceptable to plan the immediate replacement and scrapping of a six month old Airbus.
* Any "failure" aircraft, as designated by a select panel of judges taken from A-net, will render the manufacturer bankrupt automatically, and be liquidated immediately.
* It must be "good-looking" as designated by a select panel of judges taken from A-net. Failure to accomplish this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure". All airlines buying this type will be forced to scrap their examples immediately. This is the most important of all criteria.
*Any airline trading in their nearly-new Airbus's in favour of the new plane, will automatically receive the "A-net Excellent Business Practice Award" - this will elevate the company to the status of Blue Chip overnight.
* Its wake turbulence footprint must be less than that of existing types. Failure to do this will result in a fourteen mile spacing limit being placed on the competing Airbus type in all directions by all authorities "to guarantee safety".
* All airlines must, by Law, buy this plane, preferably at the end of a long and drawn out bidding process against an inferior Airbus serving only to highlight the superiority of the US-made type. If they do not, they are designated as "stupid airlines" are banned from flying immediately, Worldwide.
* All airline order announcements must be made to A-net timetables.
* Conceptual drawings of the new plane, with attractive lines, and innovative new features are for illustrative purposes only, and will look nothing like the new plane whatsoever.
* The new type must cost less than the price of a Monsterthickburger at Hardee's, or a KFC Family bucket, so that the US Majors can afford them in vast quantities. This works out at only a $1.99 for a limited period only, and with a large diet Pepsi, and a toy for the kiddies - would you like to supersize this? All airlines given the option to supersize must do it, and scrap their A380s in return for some money-off coupons! This will see the US Majors operate the type in vast quantities. To everyone else, its $1.00 less than what the Airbus costs.
* The US majors in question are allowed to order 300+ of the type, and then declare bankruptcy to write off the not-very-massive debt, and allow the airlines to stay in revenue service. To everyone else, they must pay off their orders in full, or be liquidated for bad business practice.
* The type may *not* replace a DC9 in NW
* The type must have absolutely jaw-dropping climb performance. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".
* The type must be completely unsuitable for tanker conversion, being too large, too heavy, and too expensive for anyone to realistically consider it for in-flight refuelling roles.
* The type must be chosen ahead of all competition for said in-flight refuelling orders for all airforces, despite the above, without exceptions. This is non-negotiable.
* The type must have better CASM than anything Airbus have ever produced. The production by Airbus of a type with superior CASM will be deemed uncompetitve, and an unethical business practise, and a worldwide veto be placed on all Airbus orders, regardless of country of order, by US congress. This is also non-negotiable.
* The type must use 85% more gasoline and oil than any comparable Airbus model, but since the US didnt bother with Kyoto it is assumed that nobody cares, and that we should just not worry about it. The banning of the type by vindictive tree-hugging European liberals under the laughable grounds of "emmisions" and other such BS
as that will be deemed uncompetitve, and an unethical business practise, and a worldwide veto be placed on all Airbus orders, regardless of country of order, by US congress. This is also non-negotiable.
* Pilot opinion on the new type is to be regarded as The Holy Word (unless it is unfavourable, in which case the pilot in question is obviously not a proper pilot).
* All negative comments about the type are to be noted, and reported to the webmaster to be looked at by a panel of CIA
and A-net judges. If any negativity is found, then the person in question will get a free pleasure flight by unmarked Gulfstream GV
to a well-known pro-US Arab country to have a little chat with some secret police types there, in a dark basement with some various home DIY implements for a few months, to obtain a full and frank confession of involvement in terrorism.
* The type is to be launched not by Boeing staff, but by Paris Hilton and Brad Pitt.
* The Simpsons are to write an episode about it.
* George Bush is to mis-pronounce its name live on TV
* Condoleeze Rice is to have her own example, to run her election campaign from.
* The build and eventual roll-out will form an integral part of the new reality TV
series "I'm an aircraft engineer, get me out of here" from a man-made island in Lake Michigan. This will feature live, uninterrupted coverage on 122 of the 900+ channels in the US, and full live streaming to all PCs with AOL on, worldwide.
* Starbucks are going to name a sickly sweet, outrageously expensive, and laughably watery "coffee" after the new type. "Fair Trade" coffees are not affected, we understand.
[Edited 2006-04-18 13:44:38]
[Edited 2006-04-18 13:55:55]
What do you mean you dont have any bourbon? Do you know how far it is to Houston? What kind of airline is this???