CHRISBA777ER
Topic Author
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A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:35 pm

Before you all flame me - i'm having a giggle with this one.

A-NET EXPERTS ALLOWED SAY IN HOW PLANE IS BUILT/RUN/ORDERED etc.

I've been told by a very close friend of mine, who works with this guy, who knows this dude who had a beer with a guy once who looks a bit like this guy who does the windows of the house of this dude who cleans the pool belonging a friend to a very high up member of the board at a very well known, extremely large aircraft manufacturer, that the company in question is out of ideas for a new plane design, and are looking to enlist the help of some experienced, established experts to help them out, and of course, are looking to the A-net community for advice. (NB - A-net members from anywhere apart from the US are deemed to be cave-dwelling illiterates, and therefore probably commie/Al-Qaida spies, and are exempt from taking part. Apart from folks from Costa Rica, and Panama, who are going to be American soon enough...)


It must be:

* Built in the USA.

* A twin engined plane. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is automatically branded "a failure".

* Have cockpit commonality with everything else in every single fleet anywhere in the world, because cockpit commonality is nearly as important as stuff like breathing and wings etc. Airlines that dont have commonality are classed as "stupid airlines" are should seek advice from A-net forthwith.

* It must be built without official state aid. Reciprocal trade deals, and shadowy political manouvering cannot be proven and therefore didnt happen.

* Be ETOPS-500 rated from EIS.

* It must sell well from the outset. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".

* Break even for the type should be at 5 airframes. No more than this.

* It must have 100% despatch reliability from EIS. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".

* It must have several Blue-chip airline orders for it to launch. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".

* "Because it sucks, man" is a legitimate reason for choosing to replace any existing Airbus with the new plane.

* It is not allowed, under any circumstances, to have any testing or modifications done outside of projections during the testing phase. Any design flaws, regardless of whether they can be fixed, are deemed to be "very poor" - and will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".

* Its wings must bend 290% of structural limits. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".

* It must be powered by a joint GE/PW/RR engine, because engine fleet commonality is nearly as important as stuff like breathing and wings etc. Airlines that dont have commonality are classed as "stupid airlines" are should seek advice from A-net forthwith.

* It must offer a 90% performance advantage on what currently exists, even if existing planes are brand new. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".

* Using this new plane, it is perfectly acceptable to plan the immediate replacement and scrapping of a six month old Airbus.

* Any "failure" aircraft, as designated by a select panel of judges taken from A-net, will render the manufacturer bankrupt automatically, and be liquidated immediately.

* It must be "good-looking" as designated by a select panel of judges taken from A-net. Failure to accomplish this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure". All airlines buying this type will be forced to scrap their examples immediately. This is the most important of all criteria.

*Any airline trading in their nearly-new Airbus's in favour of the new plane, will automatically receive the "A-net Excellent Business Practice Award" - this will elevate the company to the status of Blue Chip overnight.

* Its wake turbulence footprint must be less than that of existing types. Failure to do this will result in a fourteen mile spacing limit being placed on the competing Airbus type in all directions by all authorities "to guarantee safety".

* All airlines must, by Law, buy this plane, preferably at the end of a long and drawn out bidding process against an inferior Airbus serving only to highlight the superiority of the US-made type. If they do not, they are designated as "stupid airlines" are banned from flying immediately, Worldwide.

* All airline order announcements must be made to A-net timetables.

* Conceptual drawings of the new plane, with attractive lines, and innovative new features are for illustrative purposes only, and will look nothing like the new plane whatsoever.

* The new type must cost less than the price of a Monsterthickburger at Hardee's, or a KFC Family bucket, so that the US Majors can afford them in vast quantities. This works out at only a $1.99 for a limited period only, and with a large diet Pepsi, and a toy for the kiddies - would you like to supersize this? All airlines given the option to supersize must do it, and scrap their A380s in return for some money-off coupons! This will see the US Majors operate the type in vast quantities. To everyone else, its $1.00 less than what the Airbus costs.

* The US majors in question are allowed to order 300+ of the type, and then declare bankruptcy to write off the not-very-massive debt, and allow the airlines to stay in revenue service. To everyone else, they must pay off their orders in full, or be liquidated for bad business practice.

* The type may *not* replace a DC9 in NW fleet.

* The type must have absolutely jaw-dropping climb performance. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".

* The type must be completely unsuitable for tanker conversion, being too large, too heavy, and too expensive for anyone to realistically consider it for in-flight refuelling roles.

* The type must be chosen ahead of all competition for said in-flight refuelling orders for all airforces, despite the above, without exceptions. This is non-negotiable.

* The type must have better CASM than anything Airbus have ever produced. The production by Airbus of a type with superior CASM will be deemed uncompetitve, and an unethical business practise, and a worldwide veto be placed on all Airbus orders, regardless of country of order, by US congress. This is also non-negotiable.

* The type must use 85% more gasoline and oil than any comparable Airbus model, but since the US didnt bother with Kyoto it is assumed that nobody cares, and that we should just not worry about it. The banning of the type by vindictive tree-hugging European liberals under the laughable grounds of "emmisions" and other such BS as that will be deemed uncompetitve, and an unethical business practise, and a worldwide veto be placed on all Airbus orders, regardless of country of order, by US congress. This is also non-negotiable.

* Pilot opinion on the new type is to be regarded as The Holy Word (unless it is unfavourable, in which case the pilot in question is obviously not a proper pilot).

* All negative comments about the type are to be noted, and reported to the webmaster to be looked at by a panel of CIA and A-net judges. If any negativity is found, then the person in question will get a free pleasure flight by unmarked Gulfstream GV to a well-known pro-US Arab country to have a little chat with some secret police types there, in a dark basement with some various home DIY implements for a few months, to obtain a full and frank confession of involvement in terrorism.

* The type is to be launched not by Boeing staff, but by Paris Hilton and Brad Pitt.

* The Simpsons are to write an episode about it.

* George Bush is to mis-pronounce its name live on TV.

* Condoleeze Rice is to have her own example, to run her election campaign from.

* The build and eventual roll-out will form an integral part of the new reality TV series "I'm an aircraft engineer, get me out of here" from a man-made island in Lake Michigan. This will feature live, uninterrupted coverage on 122 of the 900+ channels in the US, and full live streaming to all PCs with AOL on, worldwide.

* Starbucks are going to name a sickly sweet, outrageously expensive, and laughably watery "coffee" after the new type. "Fair Trade" coffees are not affected, we understand.

[Edited 2006-04-18 13:44:38]

[Edited 2006-04-18 13:55:55]
What do you mean you dont have any bourbon? Do you know how far it is to Houston? What kind of airline is this???
 
Stealthz
Posts: 5546
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:46 pm

ROFLMAO!!!
I just had to save a copy of this before the notoriously humourless members of this community has it deleted for it's comical misrepresentation of.. well everyone!!

Cheers

C
If your camera sends text messages, that could explain why your photos are rubbish!
 
DAL767400ER
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:48 pm

Bloody-f'n-brilliant  thumbsup  Big grin .
 
CHRISBA777ER
Topic Author
Posts: 3715
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:48 pm

LOL i give it no more than five mins before somebody has a sense of humour bypass and deletes it...
What do you mean you dont have any bourbon? Do you know how far it is to Houston? What kind of airline is this???
 
roseflyer
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:48 pm

Ok, I got a bit of a laugh out of that.

But in reality, there are some people here on A.net that do know what they are talking about to some degree. Many people post completely unsubstantiated rumors which I agree are annoying and others dismiss any new idea that is out of the box in any way. The biggest problem is that for those who do know information, there are strict confidentiality agreements at almost all companies that prevent anything from being leaked out. Internal news letters are supposed to be exactly that.

Some do work in the aviation business and do share good information. I for one work for a large aviation manufacturing/design company and have worked on different airplane components. Does that mean I can go spouting off about the next airplane that will be designed? No it does not, but it does mean that I know some intricate 787 details that few others might be aware of.
If you have never designed an airplane part before, let the real designers do the work!
 
CHRISBA777ER
Topic Author
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:50 pm

Quoting RoseFlyer (Reply 4):
Ok, I got a bit of a laugh out of that.

But in reality, there are some people here on A.net that do know what they are talking about to some degree. Many people post completely unsubstantiated rumors which I agree are annoying and others dismiss any new idea that is out of the box in any way. The biggest problem is that for those who do know information, there are strict confidentiality agreements at almost all companies that prevent anything from being leaked out. Internal news letters are supposed to be exactly that.

Some do work in the aviation business and do share good information. I for one work for a large aviation manufacturing/design company and have worked on different airplane components. Does that mean I can go spouting off about the next airplane that will be designed? No it does not, but it does mean that I know some intricate 787 details that few others might be aware of.

I know mate - i'm an airline analyst myself - a lightheated view of the majority, thats all. Big grin
What do you mean you dont have any bourbon? Do you know how far it is to Houston? What kind of airline is this???
 
mhodgson
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:52 pm

Brilliant - absolutely hilarious!
No trees were harmed by this message. However, several million electrons were terribly inconvenienced
 
GLAGAZ
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:53 pm

Quoting CHRISBA777ER (Thread starter):
* The type may *not* replace a DC9 in NW fleet.

Excellent Big grin

Gaz
Neutrality means that u don't really care cos the struggle goes on even when ur not there, blind and unaware
 
KFLLCFII
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:54 pm

One word: Classic!!!
"About the only way to look at it, just a pity you are not POTUS KFLLCFII, seems as if we would all be better off."
 
DTManiac
Posts: 677
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:04 pm

Thats really funny. I dont think you forgot anything important, but lets see if any members might be able to complete the list.

Frederik
Gig 'em Aggies!!!
 
kazzie
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:05 pm

Chris,

Ledgend! Big grin
Bazinga punk.
 
HAM
Posts: 245
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:14 pm

nice satire about this forum. thanks for sharing.
 
EWS
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:40 pm

Brilliant..  Smile

Lew
 
CHRISBA777ER
Topic Author
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:45 pm

Whys it been moved to Non-Av?
What do you mean you dont have any bourbon? Do you know how far it is to Houston? What kind of airline is this???
 
skidmarks
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:52 pm

Quoting CHRISBA777ER (Reply 13):
Whys it been moved to Non-Av?

Better moved than deleted Chris. Big grin

Good stuff mate, wish I understood it Big grin

Andy  old 
Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional
 
CHRISBA777ER
Topic Author
Posts: 3715
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:54 pm

Quoting Skidmarks (Reply 14):

Yeah I suppose so - I'm amazed none of the little two-tone blue mafia have deleted it yet. Still, glad you enjoyed it.
What do you mean you dont have any bourbon? Do you know how far it is to Houston? What kind of airline is this???
 
mhodgson
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:54 pm

Quoting CHRISBA777ER (Reply 13):
Whys it been moved to Non-Av?

Petition for the Reinstatement of "A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)" into the Civil Aviation Forum
Signed:

mhodgson
No trees were harmed by this message. However, several million electrons were terribly inconvenienced
 
CHRISBA777ER
Topic Author
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 9:56 pm

Dont think I'm allowed to sign my own petition am i? Big grin
What do you mean you dont have any bourbon? Do you know how far it is to Houston? What kind of airline is this???
 
Stealthz
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 10:30 pm

In an attempt to not offend any of the "serious professionals" that use the A.net CivAv forum for the day to day guidance of their professional lives the thread has been moved to a forum where the main discussions centre on "Gay/Bi/Straight? (Part 3)" or "Your Best Ever Non-aviation Picture" or "If A Girl Says, "you Had Your Shot".
This is entirely appropriate as such satirical items like this could bring the aviation industry down and ruin many major airlines and maufacturers.

It would certainly ruin the status of Airliners.net as the leading source of industry knowledge and advice!!

NOT!!!!

Get a life guys.. this was gross over reaction!!!
If your camera sends text messages, that could explain why your photos are rubbish!
 
LHMark
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Tue Apr 18, 2006 11:03 pm

I love the take on cockpit and engine commonality. That old saw burns my cakes every time I check out civ-av.
"Sympathy is something that shouldn't be bestowed on the Yankees. Apparently it angers them." - Bob Feller
 
carmenlu15
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 12:37 am

Quoting CHRISBA777ER (Reply 13):
Whys it been moved to Non-Av?

While I'd rather have this stay in Civil-Av, rules are rules, after all...

Quote:
24. Only real or actual events may be posted in the civil aviation forum. Humor and other parody belong in the non-aviation forum
Don't expect to see me around that much (if at all) -- the contact link should still work, though.
 
BMIFlyer
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 1:41 am

LMAO Big grin

Bloody marvellous  bigthumbsup 



Lee
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
 
atrude777
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 2:02 am

What about the Wright Amendment? can it fly out of DAL or must it fly out of DFW?  duck 
Good things come to those who wait, better things come to those who go AFTER it!
 
cornish
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 2:38 am

 rotfl  Marvellous.

The sad thing is that so many of your points are made frequently by people who ARE being serious  Wink
Just when I thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel, it was some B*****d with a torch bringing me more work
 
rolfen
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 2:56 am

No problem I'm working on it.
rolf
 
A319XFW
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 3:33 am

I think it's missing a bit of "PTV" or "AVOD" in there, too Big grin
 
Stealthz
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 7:14 am

The funniest thing is that if Chris had of used a different title, something like "A.net members sought as consultants" and left the (Humour) out of the title many of the "serious professional" 13yo Chief Pilots & 14yo CEOs that rely on A.net for their industry information and professional guidance would be reading and contributing as if it were genuine!
If your camera sends text messages, that could explain why your photos are rubbish!
 
AGM100
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 7:28 am

Quoting StealthZ (Reply 26):
A.net members sought as consultants

A Boeing project requires independent consultation. AirBus is the one that you have to be a member of the government to consult.  box 
You dig the hole .. I fill the hole . 100% employment !
 
IHadAPheo
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 7:30 am

Wow that was a ultra mega double super secret titanium elite class thread. I am indeed amused

Zippy ,,.. . .. faints
Pray hard but pray with care For the tears that you are crying now Are just your answered prayers
 
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PA110
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 8:55 am

Outstanding, but you missed one other prerequisite...

* It must look "cool" in every livery... past, present and future. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".
It's been swell, but the swelling has gone down.
 
jafa39
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 9:09 am

Quoting PA110 (Reply 29):
* It must look "cool" in every livery... past, present and future. Failure to do this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".

It must have a dress code and non-reclining seats.
We, the undersigned, do hereby consent.....
 
aloges
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 9:12 am

Quoting Jafa39 (Reply 30):
It must have a dress code and non-reclining seats.

Are you Pe@rson?
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
 
jafa39
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 10:00 am

Quoting Aloges (Reply 31):
Are you Pe@rson?

Not quite, I am to Air NZ what he is to Ryanair though  Smile
We, the undersigned, do hereby consent.....
 
Elton
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 10:05 am

OMG, I want some of what he's smoking

Elton
 
Rj111
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 10:16 am

Surely the model must be a clean sheet design? Infact, usage of basic inherited desing features from previous aircraft - such as x-sections, cockpit features and the actual presence of wings - is strictly prohibited. Everything about the aircraft must be completely original.

Failure to fulfill this, will mean the programme is dead and the aircraft is branded "a failure".
 
redngold
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 10:48 am

I'm sorry to tell you that your programme, as detailed in Post #1, will be dead on arrival and dismissed as a miserable failure... because everyone knows that the golden age of three-holers must continue!  Wink

/crappy at satire, still trying
Up, up and away!
 
CHRISBA777ER
Topic Author
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Wed Apr 19, 2006 6:46 pm

Glad you are all liking it - had a laugh while writing it.
What do you mean you dont have any bourbon? Do you know how far it is to Houston? What kind of airline is this???
 
ZakHH
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RE: A-net - Tough Crowd! (humour)

Thu Apr 20, 2006 6:24 pm

Great stuff!

Speaking of Paris Hilton ( Big grin ), Q: What do you get if you cross Paris Hilton with a Siberian Husky?

A: Either a damn stupid dog, or a cold resistant slut...
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