Lutenist
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Words Of Wisdom From George Carlin

Thu May 18, 2006 10:51 pm

I searched "George", "Carlin", and "Wisdom" and nothing came up, so please don't blame me if this has already been posted.

Words of wisdom boys, words of wisdom...

George Carlin's new rules for 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was supposedly found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
 
Cadet57
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RE: Words Of Wisdom From George Carlin

Thu May 18, 2006 11:07 pm

Quoting Lutenist (Thread starter):
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

 rotfl   checkmark 

Quoting Lutenist (Thread starter):
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

 checkmark 

Quoting Lutenist (Thread starter):
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

 checkmark  checkmark  checkmark  oh and one more:  checkmark 
Doors open, right hand side, next stop is Springfield.
 
ANCFlyer
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RE: Words Of Wisdom From George Carlin

Thu May 18, 2006 11:13 pm

Quoting Lutenist (Thread starter):
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.



Quoting Lutenist (Thread starter):
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

 rotfl  rotfl  rotfl 

Carlin is the best . . .
FOR THOSE THAT FOUGHT FOR IT, FREEDOM HAS A FLAVOR THE PROTECTED WILL NEVER KNOW OR UNDERSTAND
 
CastleIsland
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RE: Words Of Wisdom From George Carlin

Thu May 18, 2006 11:29 pm

That got the day off the ground! Thanks for posting, Lutenist.
 rotfl 
"People don't do what they believe in, they just do what's most convenient, then they repent." - Dylan
 
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yowza
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RE: Words Of Wisdom From George Carlin

Fri May 19, 2006 1:34 am

I'm sure that some of those are Bill Maher, such as the Chinese tatoo one! All hilarious though.

YOWza
 
SlamClick
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RE: Words Of Wisdom From George Carlin

Fri May 19, 2006 2:07 am

Quoting YOWza (Reply 4):
I'm sure that some of those are Bill Maher,

Actually 'new rules' is entirely a Bill Maher bit. I've never heard George Carlin use it. I would be very surprised if either one of them would touch that line if the other had already used it.
Happiness is not seeing another trite Ste. Maarten photo all week long.
 
tbar220
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RE: Words Of Wisdom From George Carlin

Fri May 19, 2006 2:17 am

These are funny, but as some have already pointed out, new rules is entirely a Bill Maher gag. Still good stuff though  Smile
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ANCFlyer
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RE: Words Of Wisdom From George Carlin

Fri May 19, 2006 3:33 am

Quoting Tbar220 (Reply 6):
new rules is entirely a Bill Maher gag

Well, then Bill gets the  praise  cause these are damned funny . . .

I still like Carlin better.
FOR THOSE THAT FOUGHT FOR IT, FREEDOM HAS A FLAVOR THE PROTECTED WILL NEVER KNOW OR UNDERSTAND
 
yooyoo
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RE: Words Of Wisdom From George Carlin

Fri May 19, 2006 3:43 am

Quoting Lutenist (Thread starter):
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

Somebody on this site needs to learn this rule  Wink

Quoting Lutenist (Thread starter):
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

 rotfl 


Very funny stuff !!
I am so smart, i am so smart... S-M-R-T... i mean S-M-A-R-T
 
jetblueatjfk
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Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2005 4:42 am

RE: Words Of Wisdom From George Carlin

Mon May 29, 2006 12:25 pm

He is really funny. I downloaded a lot of his shows on my iPod.

These are no exception.

B6jfk airplane 
 
HPLASOps
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RE: Words Of Wisdom From George Carlin

Mon May 29, 2006 4:49 pm

Actually, if yall want Carlin, I remember a couple of great bits from his rant about flying on the airplanes:

"About this time, someone is telling you to get on the plane. 'Get on the plane, get on the plane.' I say f*ck you, I'm getting IN the plane! Let Evil Knevil get ON the plane. I'll be in here with you folks in uniform, there seems to be less wind in here!"

"I love the safety announcements, especially the part where they tell you how to use the seat belt. Imagine that, a plane full of grown adults, many of us partially educated, and they're taking time out of the day to explain the intricate workings of a belt buckle! 'Take the small metal flap and insert it into the buckle.' Well I asked for clarification at that point! 'Over here miss, did you say, place the small metal flap into the buckle or place the buckle over and around the small metal flap. I'm a simple man, I do not possess an engineering degree nor am I mechanically inclined. Please continue with the wonderful safety lecture!' Seat belts: high tech sh*t!"

"They will tell you we will be landing shortly. Does that sound to you like we're gonna miss the runway? Sometimes the pilot will get on and say 'We'll be on the ground in 15 minutes.' Well that's a little vague, isn't it!"

That's classic Carlin
"Just because I know how to get off a freeway doesn't mean I know how to get back on!" - Retard Joe
 
SlamClick
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RE: Words Of Wisdom From George Carlin

Mon May 29, 2006 11:39 pm

Quoting HPLASOps (Reply 10):
"I love the safety announcements, especially the part where they tell you how to use the seat belt.

PSA flight attendants used to say (and everyone since 1985 has copied) "In case you haven't ridden in an automobile since nineteen fifty-five, here is how you fasten your seatbelt." Just about every veteran flight attendant can tell you some story about people still not being able to figure it out - tying the ends together and so on.

Of course, we all know that script is a product of the FAA and I guess the lesson is that we are not allowed to kill passengers even if they are troglodytes.
Happiness is not seeing another trite Ste. Maarten photo all week long.
 
aloges
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RE: Words Of Wisdom From George Carlin

Tue May 30, 2006 12:18 am

Quoting HPLASOps (Reply 10):
"I love the safety announcements,

It's "I love the safety lecture!" you nitwit!  Wink Not "announcements"!

Or at least that's what he says on the CD.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

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