MattWS
Topic Author
Posts: 40
Joined: Tue Sep 20, 2005 8:03 pm

Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 7:34 am

I rarely post on here but seeing as I'm in the middle of the most traumatic experiences of my life I figures that it can't do any harm.

My wife left me last week saying that I deserve to be loved and she wasn't able to love me. She insists that she cannot imagine us not being friends in the future but I'm not so sure. She hasn't loved me for two years, the sex ended a year ago, she lied to me last year when she said she was happy and left me feeling that things were ok between us, by early this year she still said her issues were not my fault but by the middle of the year she was clearly thinking of moving on. I never stopped loving her, she has hurt me more than anyone I have ever known so how can I move on from this without her not being a part of my life? There are no children involved nor is there any infidelity, she is 31 and I am 36.

I don't quite get why my friendship is so important to her especially after what she has done to me. I need to be able to trust my friends but she has already lied to me while we were married so what hope is there of truth in divorce?

This question is not about whether or not I should move on, I know that I have to and I look forward to the day that she is no longer consuming my thoughts 24/7 but obviously the wounds are still deep and raw at the moment.

Thanks,


Matt
 
MCIGuy
Posts: 1445
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 8:10 am

Quoting MattWS (Thread starter):
I don't quite get why my friendship is so important to her especially after what she has done to me.

OK, my namesake Wink:
Your "friendship" is important to her so she can feel absolved of guilt for breaking up with you. I'd say "denied!", get tough and tell her to kindly funk off.

Quoting MattWS (Thread starter):
I need to be able to trust my friends but she has already lied to me while we were married so what hope is there of truth in divorce?

You answered your own question, no trust = no friendship. I can count all of my good friends on only one hand. However, I've known them all a long time and I trust them implicitly.

Quoting MattWS (Thread starter):
This question is not about whether or not I should move on, I know that I have to and I look forward to the day that she is no longer consuming my thoughts 24/7 but obviously the wounds are still deep and raw at the moment.

You're right, you have no choice but to move on. The best way to get over one is to get another. The best thing you could do is go to the club (or wherever), pick up the nearest hottie, then be seen by as many mutual friends as possible. The benefit is two fold: You get to be with a hottie and grind your ex down at the same time.  Cool
Airliners.net Moderator Team
 
bill142
Posts: 7853
Joined: Wed Aug 04, 2004 1:50 pm

RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 8:12 am

Yes. I am friends with a number of my Ex's, infact, one of the is marrying a good friend of mine.

However, for you, you have to ask yourself if you want to be friends with her? Could you be friends with someone who has hurt you as much as you say.
 
allstarflyer
Posts: 3264
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 8:25 am

Quoting MCIGuy (Reply 1):
I'd say "denied!", get tough and tell her to kindly funk off.

I agree. The last two girls I've dated I've been able to leave them on speaking terms, but, in reality, all that means is that I've left both of them with a clean conscience (on my part). After that, though, the interaction with them doesn't really matter, does it? I mean, we're not going to be bosom buddies, or anything like that. I'm slowly starting to realize that myself, actually.

But in your case, you're either married or show's over. This "friend" garbage is her way of absolving her conscience and wanting you to justify her by agreeing with it. I don't know what your situation is, but she has to know it's a marriage 'til death do you part or hit the road jack. Doesn't mean you don't love her or that you don't keep the door open for her, not one bit. But love's tough. She has to be made aware that that's a bunch of garbage and you are not her doormat. More simple than it sounds, of course. Don't hang your head, guy. She'll find out you're better than that.

-R
Living the American Dream
 
TWFirst
Posts: 5752
Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2000 5:30 am

RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 8:37 am

Why would you WANT to be friends with her... sounds like she treated you like shit. She wants to have her cake and eat it too... my ex was the same way. He wanted to retain the best elements of the relationship (like friendship, companionship) without the more challenging aspects of relationships (commitment, compromise, etc.) I too was a basket case for awhile after the breakup... but then, in the roller coaster of emotions (and believe me, you'll go through several phases) anger and resentment actually served a useful purpose because I suddenly realized "Hey... you can't say 'I want to move on... but let's be friends'... too bad so sad. Moving on to me means... ummm... MOVING ON. And staying friends isn't moving on...it's the aforementioned.... a cop out.
An unexamined life isn't worth living.
 
bristolflyer
Posts: 2103
Joined: Fri May 14, 2004 1:35 am

RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 9:21 am

Sorry to hear about your situation. I split up with my fiancee a few yrs ago and it was pretty tough. Sounds like a similar situation to yours (in that she instigated it) but we weren't married so you're probably hurting a bit more.

Back to the question in hand, I agree with MCIguy - she's probably doing it to soften the blow of her wanting to separate. It's kind of a half-way house that is easier to get to than to totally cut each other off. It may be comforting for you to think that you can still be friends in the future, but when the future comes around and you've both found new partners you'll soon move on. I couldn't see being friends with my ex fiancee, that's for sure.

It'll take some time to get over, but there are plenty of others out there, trust me.

Good luck.
Fortune favours the brave
 
ThePRGuy
Posts: 1833
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 9:24 am

I guess its down to you really.
She is clearly willing to be your friend after this is over, but its your choice whether you choose to go ahead with that.
Best wishes in the future buddy.
Thanks
Alex
Heathrow has been described as the only building site to have its own airport.
 
strasserb
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 9:29 am

Quoting MattWS (Thread starter):
Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

I'm not E.A.Poe but I can say nothing but YES!
Still, even in the most arid desert is an airport somewhere ...
 
halls120
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 9:37 am

Quoting MattWS (Thread starter):
I don't quite get why my friendship is so important to her especially after what she has done to me. I need to be able to trust my friends but she has already lied to me while we were married so what hope is there of truth in divorce?

You can, but why would you want to be friends with someone who lied to you?
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." Mark Twain, a Biography
 
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Aeroflot777
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 9:56 am

Quoting MattWS (Thread starter):
Can Your Ex Become Your Friend? 

I personally think it is very possible indeed. If you are in a relationship for a while and finally realize it isn't right, and you both agree, then you can just split up knowing it's the best thing to do. But in turn you still stay close friends, go to outings and enjoy each others presence. I have quite a few friends that have split up peacefully and are very close friends.

Aeroflot777
 
GQfluffy
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 9:59 am

Quoting MCIGuy (Reply 1):
Your "friendship" is important to her so she can feel absolved of guilt for breaking up with you. I'd say "denied!", get tough and tell her to kindly funk off

As much as it may hurt, and as much as you may want her back, the best thing you can do for yourself is to do what is quoted above. And if she comes back, best advice is to walk away. Don't take her back. If you weren't supposedly good enough for her in the first place, it's just too damn bad if she realizes it later. I had a ex try to do that to me 2 years ago. I almost gave in, but realized it one night while having a drink or two with a real friend. That was the best advice he ever gave me...

It's hard to do, especially since obviously you two were in love enough at one point to get married, but move on. You deserve much better...
This isn't where I parked my car...
 
TedTAce
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 11:27 am

Well, I'm sure you are expecting me to pop into this thread, so here I am.

The problem isn't "Can your ex...."

"Can" leaves open ALL possibilities.

Your wife CAN choose to reconcile, your wife CAN choose to end things with a murder suicide, she CAN.... I think you get my point...

The question is why do you care?

Now in MY situation here is what happened.

I met my ex in 1987. I tortured her (on and off dating) until 1997 when we finally got married. A year later we had a kid, and a year and 1/2 after that we were divorced. We seperated as well, but within a year she was pregnant with our second child. a couple of years after that we remarried. Now we have been re-married for 3+ years but things started falling apart when she had an affair almost a year ago. I wanted to try to work things out and make deals to stay together and that was nice up until the begining of August when she told me point blank she didn't love me.

Once she told me point blank she didn't love me, I knew there was no point in fighting it. Now because we have kids we will always have to communicate, but I'll never be her shoulder to cry on or her sympathetic ear for ANYTHING. If se wanted my friendship, se would have kept faking her way through the relationship and I would have been happy with that. But once she said she didn't love me and wanted out, that's it.. I have kids to raise and bills to pay, I don't have time for her bullshit. I'm 38 and given my health and the fact I'm about to become the primary parent, I'm sure my 'fun' sex life is over. I might get lucky and find a girl to fuck every now and again, but it's not something I expecet to enjoy past the act itself. now given that my ex has effectively ruined my sex life do you think there is any reason I sould want to be her friend?

I know your situation is probably diferent, and I hope it is. But as someone who has made the same mistake twice I would like to disuade others from repeating my pathetic performance.
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halls120
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 11:40 am

Quoting TedTAce (Reply 11):
I'm 38 and given my health and the fact I'm about to become the primary parent, I'm sure my 'fun' sex life is over.

it will be over only if you let it be over.

I was canned by my ex after 20 years of marriage and two kids. The first year was rough, but the last 8 years have been unbelieveable. I've had better - and more - sex in the last 8 years than in the 26 years prior to the divorce.
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." Mark Twain, a Biography
 
AirCop
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 12:46 pm

Quoting Halls120 (Reply 8):
You can, but why would you want to be friends with someone who lied to you?

Simply just take care of yourself, new opportunites will present themselves, and hopefully you're life will be much rewarding.
 
diamond
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 1:02 pm

Matt, this sounds like a really painful situation and I'm sorry that you're in the middle of it right now.

It is difficult but possible to 'downsize' a relationship to a less-involved level.

But many people make the mistake of focusing all their energy on preserving the old relationship, instead of creating a happy life without it. The reason that her friendship is so important to you is that you want to feel like you can still control part of this situation and not be a spectator to it. It's a form of denial.

It is usually best to have the intention of remaining friends, but agree to stay completely away from each other for a while. Then, after you have recovered and have let new people into your life, you can rebuild whatever friendship may be possible with her.


I don't think your wife is being totally honest with you. People don't just fall out of love with each other for no reason. Yet she has not revealed the real reason. Maybe there really is someone else? Or maybe she wants to be available for someone else? Maybe she misses being single and dating more than one person?

Once you are actually separated you'll notice some changes in her life that will show her likes and dislikes, and what she is trying to find.
Blank.
 
MattWS
Topic Author
Posts: 40
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 3:36 pm

Damn right she isn't being honest.

Why tell me in June last year that she was ok with our relationship following some problems earlier in the year and that was 'happy' when she now says that in fact she wasn't happy? She made me feel that everything was ok, maybe she didn't want to hurt my feelings at the time but she has ended up hurting me more than she could probably have imagined.

I am really tempted to say to her that I won't give my consent to a separation and I may even contest the divorce. It would help a greta deal if she had actually made some effort to save the relationship but she just let it get out of hand without ever really being honest to me about her feelings, by the time I realised how bad things were and that really was thinking of leaving it was all far too late.

She ended the relationship, I don't owe her anything, least of all friendship.



Matt
 
diamond
Posts: 3000
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 3:53 pm

Quoting MattWS (Reply 15):
... She ended the relationship, I don't owe her anything, least of all friendship ...

Sure, that's true. But if you go through the next few years angry and bitter, you'll be ruining your own quality of life. I'm not saying, "don't let it bother you." Of course it will bother you. But don't build a 'strategy' to demonstrate to her and the world how upset you are.

As for contesting the separation or divorce, please remember one thing: you cannot make someone care about something they don't care about. So how does that serve you?

Quoting MattWS (Reply 15):
... She made me feel that everything was ok ...

Many people object to this point, but no one can make you feel anything. You felt that things were ok because you wanted to feel that they were ok. And she allowed you to.

You can probably point out all sorts of inconsistencies in things she has said over the last few years. Each time she tells you that she has been unhappy, you can recall numerous times when she said (or seemed) that she was happy. That makes it look like she's lying about her feelings. But feelings do change. And people are sometimes very afraid to be honest about them because they don't want to hurt the other person, or they don't want to look like the bad guy.
Blank.
 
aussie18
Crew
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 4:18 pm

No rules against sleeping with your ex again!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
RobertNL070
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 4:26 pm

Quoting TedTAce (Reply 11):
my pathetic performance

Don't be too hard on yourself Ted.

Robert  bouncy 
Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.
 
Elite
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 4:42 pm

Yes, your ex can become your friend in future, but how far into the future, I'm not sure. Sometimes you just need time away from each other, just to calm down and really think about it... you can't really expect them to call you up tomorrow and go, "Oh sorry, would you like to have lunch?" Maybe give it a couple of weeks.
 
TedTAce
Posts: 9098
Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2005 12:31 am

RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 5:29 pm

Quoting RobertNL070 (Reply 18):
Don't be too hard on yourself Ted.

I'll cheer up as soon as I get another job and get the house sold and into my next living situation. Right now I'm looking into a great chasm that is my future and it's effing dark down there. One of my life's mottos is that everything works out and so far it has for the most part. It's Dark now, and I'm sure things are going to be ok. Until I know that for more of a fact then not I'm going to be as pessimistic/realistic as possible.
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EWS
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 7:08 pm

Howdy Matt,

Firstly let me sympathise with you, I'm going through a similar situation and it seem's to be endless..

I split with my ex just after christmas this year after she cheated on me.. She had 3 kids, non of them mine however i treated them as my own.. once i found out who she had cheated on me with, i asked her to move out right away. Present day after everything thats happened to me over the past 8 months i'm trying to be friends with her.. With limited sucess.

I've thought about taking her back, but i just cannot bring myself to do it, and wish to remain friends.. I phone her maybe twice a week to see how she is, and how the kids are.. and sometime's we have a really good conversation, others are very short and brief, almost if she's being off with me. I tend to let this slip as i know the guy she's with now absoloutly hates my guts and she's told him we're no longer friends, and that keeps him happy. I phone her while he's at work, but cannot speak to the kids anymore because i'm just worried that they will say something along the lines of "lewis was speaking to mummy today.." then sh1t will hit the fan for her.. and probably me, which i dont want.

I see her out driving in the car, everytime I see her it causes me to think about her, and wish we could somehow be closer friends, but can't obviously due to her current partner.. I'll be honest, I still really do love her, and the kids, and would do anything for them, even after what she's done to me..

Sorry to ravel on Matt.. but friendships are very hard after something thats happened in both your and my cases, but they can work.. and i wish you the vesy best of luck in trying for a friendship with her.

Lew
 
TedTAce
Posts: 9098
Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2005 12:31 am

RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 7:19 pm

Quoting EWS (Reply 21):
I see her out driving in the car

I think I need to start to invest in snow globes.  Smile

EWS, besides doing everything posible to AVOID seeing her drive around, I'd suggest you start to limit your calls to her. Even if you know for a fact she could be yours again one day what's to say she won't cheat yet again?
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EWS
Posts: 3369
Joined: Tue Mar 07, 2006 6:41 am

RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 7:37 pm

Quoting TedTAce (Reply 22):
Even if you know for a fact she could be yours again one day what's to say she won't cheat yet again?

Howdy Ted,

I wont take her back, personally I wont do it, simply for the fact she's cheated on me, so whats the chances she's not going to do it again? In my eyes, im always up for giving people another chance, but when it comes to cheats.. once a cheat, always a cheat..  headache 

Quoting TedTAce (Reply 22):
I'd suggest you start to limit your calls to her.

Yeah i do try, this week i've not spoken to her at all, And wont probably until Monday, i really do want to be friends with her, but its more of a "telephone friend" as we can't see each other very often, going for a drink or any social activities like that is certainly a no no for us both.

Lew  goodvibes 
 
Rj111
Posts: 3007
Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2004 9:02 am

RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 8:04 pm

Sorry to hear about your situation there - it sounds tough.

I can imagine it can be real hard to go from loving a person very much to never seeing her again. I suggest perhaps declaring six months apart, then maybe just meet up as friends every once in a while. In that time you have the opportunity to meet other people, move on, and put things into perspective. Who knows, you may have found someone else and not even want to see her after that time.

Sometimes it's the thought of never seeing someone again that is what really makes a person sad. As supposed to actually missing their company. The forbidden fruit ect.
 
cedars747
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sun Oct 15, 2006 9:00 pm

Quoting MattWS (Thread starter):
This question is not about whether or not I should move on, I know that I have to and I look forward to the day that she is no longer consuming my thoughts 24/7 but obviously the wounds are still deep and raw at the moment.

From my point of view ,i think that your wife is lesbian.Don't ask me why,it's what i feel from here attitude.
Alex!!!
Tengo una pasion por la aviacion !لدي شغف للطيران !I have a passion for aviation !Jeg har en lidenskap for luftfart!j'ai
 
MattWS
Topic Author
Posts: 40
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Mon Oct 16, 2006 12:46 am

I sent her a message saying that I am not prepared to consent to the separation anymore. The reason for that is that her words when we split were: 'You deserve to be happy and to be loved and I can't do that for you'

I disagree, I do not believe that she can look me in the eye and honestly say that she can never make me happy again and can never love me again. I also withdraw my consent on the basis that this is not what I want, if she had done more to try and rescue the situation I would think differently but I feel that she just kept her feelings quite well hidden and allowed this situation to develop.



Matt
 
rolfen
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Tue Oct 17, 2006 4:37 pm

Quoting MCIGuy (Reply 1):
You're right, you have no choice but to move on. The best way to get over one is to get another. The best thing you could do is go to the club (or wherever), pick up the nearest hottie, then be seen by as many mutual friends as possible

 vomit   Angry

That is not a way to start a new relationship but the best way to get messed up even more. You seem to be a one-person type of guy and alcohol + random sex is not good for you.
rolf
 
gregtx
Posts: 210
Joined: Sat Apr 22, 2006 8:36 am

RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Tue Oct 17, 2006 9:23 pm

Quoting MattWS (Reply 26):
I sent her a message saying that I am not prepared to consent to the separation anymore.

Wow...how desperate. What is there to hang onto now that she says she can't love you? I can never figure out why married folks try and stay together long after the love and sex have died. It's pitiful. Anyway, if it was really that traumatic, would you be posting it on Airliners.net? That may be you first clue you saw this coming for about a year.....

So quit being so codependent....and move one.

Sure you'll be friends---just not right now. If that wasn't the case, there would be a lot of lonely people around!

Be strong and good luck.
 
Rj111
Posts: 3007
Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2004 9:02 am

RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Tue Oct 17, 2006 10:22 pm

Quoting MattWS (Reply 26):
I disagree, I do not believe that she can look me in the eye and honestly say that she can never make me happy again and can never love me again. I also withdraw my consent on the basis that this is not what I want, if she had done more to try and rescue the situation I would think differently but I feel that she just kept her feelings quite well hidden and allowed this situation to develop.

No offense, but read between the lines, i think she wants out. Sure she could make you happy, but that would merely be humouring you and it would feel hollow.

Force is not going to make her want you again either, coming across needy to a woman is rarely attractive. You'll have to be more tactful if you go down that road, which i don't recommend. In fact, I predict the most likely way of getting her back would be to let it go, don't even contact regularly. She may realise that she really did love you and may come begging. And if she doesn't, then why would you want to be with a person who doesn't love you back anyway?

Good luck though.
 
wukka
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Tue Oct 17, 2006 11:39 pm

Look at the cheat as a "Get out of jail free" card.

Go bone someone else.

It's like the Dane Cook standup routine... it goes something like this crappy paraphrase:

"I met this wonderful old couple and they asked me to take a picture of them together, and they looked deeply into the other's eyes. You could see the love that they had together. While I had the camera, I counted down 3... 2... 1... and right then he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. It was the most emotional thing that I'd ever seen. She lit up like a 16 year-old schoolgirl. When he came back to get the camera, I asked 'what have you done to keep a wonderful relationship alive for 50 years in marriage'... the gentleman pulled me close and put his arm around my shoulders, leaned in close, and said, 'Cheat, son'.
We can agree to disagree.
 
TedTAce
Posts: 9098
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Wed Oct 18, 2006 1:23 am

Quoting Wukka (Reply 30):
'Cheat, son'.

 rotfl  rotfl  rotfl  rotfl  rotfl  rotfl  rotfl 
I guess I'm going to take the 'less faithful' approach to my next relationship...if that ever happens.
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MattWS
Topic Author
Posts: 40
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Wed Oct 18, 2006 6:39 am

It's been quite enlightening reading your posts over recent months Ted, each time I read them I knew that my own marriage was going downhill and that it might end but I hoped that if the worst happened we might both have enough respect not to bitch at each other and that is what seems to have happened. My parents divorced when I was about 8 and it was pretty nasty, I'll never forget how tough things were and it has taken my mother 30 years to be able to talk to her ex as a friend. As for me, I have a place to move to as from next week, we are definately splitting up and despite having regrets about one or two things I have said to her in the last few days (despite her saying that she deserves it-but that is just the guilt thing again) I think it has been a split on friendly terms if there is such a thing. Of course there is a degree of bitterness and not a small amount of anger on my part, but I am confident that friendship will one day be something we share.

My immeidate plans are that once I have moved out in a couple of weeks I will ask her not to speak to me for a few weeks or (more likely) months until I feel I have gotten over our break up nor am I telling her my new address. If she truly does want to have an enduring friendship then she will accept that I need time to get over the split. If she cannot accept that then I guess it was all just a cover for her guilt anyway and I am better off without that kind of garbage.



Matt
 
MCIGuy
Posts: 1445
Joined: Sun Mar 26, 2006 8:15 am

RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Wed Oct 18, 2006 10:07 am

Quoting Rolfen (Reply 27):
That is not a way to start a new relationship but the best way to get messed up even more. You seem to be a one-person type of guy and alcohol + random sex is not good for you.

I didn't say anything about random sex nor alcohol. This needn't involve either. I'm just saying from personal experience, the best way to get over one is to go get another. The point being, if the last one doesn't want me, someone will.
Airliners.net Moderator Team
 
lehpron
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Thu Oct 19, 2006 3:56 am

Quoting MattWS (Thread starter):
Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Only if you both figured out you could get someone better at the same time. Otherwise one of you will be stuck on the other and it will be difficult.
The meaning of life is curiosity; we were put on this planet to explore opportunities.
 
vikkyvik
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Thu Oct 19, 2006 4:25 am

Quoting Lehpron (Reply 34):
Only if you both figured out you could get someone better at the same time. Otherwise one of you will be stuck on the other and it will be difficult.

Not necessarily. My ex-girlfriend and I are actually quite good friends. She has another boyfriend. I do not have a girlfriend. Although it took a bit of getting used to, it doesn't bug me in the least.

However, we did not rush headlong into a friendship after our relationship ended. We had a couple of periods where we didn't talk to each other at all, which was agreed to by both of us. But now I wouldn't trade the friendship for any other - I mean, we have shared quite a few experiences and whatnot.

However, Matt, you are married, which I was not. The closer your relationship with your significant other, the longer it'll take to heal if it ends, in general.

Hope everything works out. Good luck.

~Vik
I'm watching Jeopardy. The category is worst Madonna songs. "This one from 1987 is terrible".
 
4holer
Posts: 2726
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Thu Oct 19, 2006 2:38 pm

Creepy how similar your story is to mine...

But to answer your original question as to why your friendship is important to her. Guilt, yes. But mostly it's just one of those things we say/do to help us through that transitional stage. And then the separate paths diverge.
My ex and I still share some of the same circles, but I don't know how correct it would be to call us "friends". Shared history, but the emotional bond is long since broken. And that's OK.
Ghosts appear and fade away.....................
 
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HAWK21M
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Thu Oct 19, 2006 8:12 pm

Depends a lot on how both Ex Partners are.
regds
MEL
I may not win often, but I damn well never lose!!! ;)
 
halls120
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Thu Oct 19, 2006 9:56 pm

Quoting RJ111 (Reply 24):
I can imagine it can be real hard to go from loving a person very much to never seeing her again. I suggest perhaps declaring six months apart, then maybe just meet up as friends every once in a while. In that time you have the opportunity to meet other people, move on, and put things into perspective. Who knows, you may have found someone else and not even want to see her after that time.

It isn't hard at all. After 20 years of marriage, my cheating whore of an ex-wife asked for a divorce. (I was aware of the cheating, but looked the other way "for the good of the kids." BIG mistake, but that's another story.) I was angry for about 6 months. Then one morning I woke up realizing that it was stupid to keep agonizing over what was done, and I needed to move on.

Since that time I've seen my ex five times in eight years. Two high school graduations, two college graduations, and one marriage. Since I have doubts my son will ever tie the knot, I may be lucky enough to never see her cheating lying scumbag of a face ever again.

And that will be wonderful!
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." Mark Twain, a Biography
 
MattWS
Topic Author
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Thu Oct 26, 2006 6:13 am

Now I feel like an idiot......

Nearly two weeks ago I emailed her telling her I wasn't interested in her money or possessions, nor was I intending to make life difficult if she got with a new partner before the divorce is final and I added that I was (reluctantly) consenting to the separation. A few days later I wrote another email saying that I really wanted to be friends but only when I was ready (i.e. had gotten over the break up), in the last 2-3 weeks I have shown her nothing but friendship (with one exception) despite what she has done to me and yet I am still waiting for a reply. She has email at work, and I know that she was online on the home computer last week and again today and yet still I get nothing. Friendship is a two way street and I'm doing all the work at the moment.

You guys were right, she wants friendship mostly to ease her conscience and perhaps also as a back up plan. She has had her chance to be my friend and she has blown me off-I don't intend to spend anymore time trying to be friends with someone who cannot even find the time to reply to my emails regarding a subject as important as our divorce.



Matt
 
TedTAce
Posts: 9098
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Thu Oct 26, 2006 8:29 am

Quoting MattWS (Reply 39):
Now I feel like an idiot......

I think you are in good company:

Quoting Halls120 (Reply 38):
my cheating whore of an ex-wife



Quoting EWS (Reply 21):
she cheated on me



Quoting TedTAce (Reply 11):
she had an affair almost a year ago



Quoting TedTAce (Reply 11):
Once she told me point blank she didn't love me,
This space intentionally left blank
 
deltaflyertoo
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Thu Oct 26, 2006 1:42 pm

Hi Matt

Wow, my heart goes out to you...what a situation..

From personal experience let me shed this light. You will grieve, go through a lot of feelings. I can't tell you how long this will last, months, years? But one day, and I PROMISE you will wake up one morning and be completely over it and ready for someone new. Hold on to that promise.
 
ZKSUJ
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Thu Oct 26, 2006 2:05 pm

I'm sorry to hear that your wife left you. Must be a very gutting experience I'm sure. As for being friends, I read a quote which pretty much sums it up:

"If two past lovers are friends, they are either still in love or never were"

So basically, its very hard to be friends with feelings involved. But all the best anyway
 
BMIFlyer
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Fri Oct 27, 2006 2:00 am

Quoting TWFirst (Reply 4):
Why would you WANT to be friends with her... sounds like she treated you like shit. She wants to have her cake and eat it too... my ex was the same way.

My thoughts entirely.

Seriously, tell her where to go man, and do it ASAP.

She is not worth wasting the time over.

Alot of people may remeber, I had a situation similar to this a couple of years ago, and yes I learnt the hard way, to let it end, fully - no friendship, nothing.

Hope you can make up your mind  Smile




Lee
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
 
MattWS
Topic Author
Posts: 40
Joined: Tue Sep 20, 2005 8:03 pm

RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Fri Oct 27, 2006 6:13 am

Any vacancies on TPX for a South West Trains ticket clerk? Big grin

On a slightly more serious note, it does annoy me that her job in one of the control offices in our company is gonna interfere with my getting over it, but I sure as hell am not gonna give her the satisfaction of ruining my career as well as my marriage. A transfer to another TOC is an option I would consider.



Matt
 
vaporlock
Posts: 3528
Joined: Sat May 19, 2001 9:22 am

RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Fri Oct 27, 2006 7:13 pm

Nope.....


Phyllis  bouncy 
 
BMIFlyer
Posts: 8065
Joined: Mon Feb 23, 2004 7:11 am

RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sat Oct 28, 2006 2:12 am

Quoting MattWS (Reply 44):
On a slightly more serious note, it does annoy me that her job in one of the control offices in our company is gonna interfere with my getting over it, but I sure as hell am not gonna give her the satisfaction of ruining my career as well as my marriage. A transfer to another TOC is an option I would consider.

Thats why I keep my relationships away from work  Wink

Quoting MattWS (Reply 44):
Any vacancies on TPX for a South West Trains ticket clerk?

You can always download an application form, and send it to HR, who knows, you may get a quick reply.  Smile

http://www.tpexpress.co.uk/about/application.pdf

See
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
 
flymatt2bermud
Posts: 551
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RE: Can Your Ex Become Your Friend?

Sat Oct 28, 2006 2:36 am

Dear Abby,
Oops, wrong forum.
Ted, People I know that have expressed some of the same issues that you have found out eventually that they were dealing with some guilt issues. Not necessarily that they did anything intentionally but like..."what might I have done differently.." you know. Listen the sooner people learn to put their feelings first the better. People should never care about anyone more than themselves. Otherwise, they just cheat them-self out of the rest of their life. I'm not suggesting being uncaring or selfish but just make sure that in your next relationship that it's mutually beneficial and you're not bringing more to the party. For more ideas in this area let me recommend a good read: "CoDependant No More!" by Melody Beatty published by Hazleden 1987. Then expect good things to come! Good luck.
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward" Leonardo Da Vinci

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