A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary.
The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz.
Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"
The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife.
"I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."
With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her those gifts?!"
The poor man replies, "Well, if she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go f*** herself."
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I start talking to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere "
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more"....."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."
"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his ****ing widow."
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx