WellHung
Topic Author
Posts: 3299
Joined: Mon Feb 23, 2004 8:50 pm

A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Sun Dec 31, 2006 12:37 am

While pundits and wannabees wrestle over the exit strategy in Iraq, I want to focus on something that actually affects the lives of billions of people every day. That is; promoting a clean exit strategy from body to bowl. A 'Trail of No Tears', if you will.

Now when I have to interrupt everything to drop a deuce, I go in with the hopes that it will be as clean, easy and liberating as possible - like one wipe in each direction. Sometimes I succeed, other times I do not. So I am looking for ways to improve (as we all should). Fiber helps, it sure does. But there really needs to be a lubricant to smooth the transition. Since I'm not the type to grease up broom handles, liquor bottles or body parts and insert them into my man hole, these are clearly not the strategies I will pursue. Maybe that stuff they use in 'Wow' potato chips? I ate a bag of those and felt like I was sitting on an upside down Old Faithful... I'm surely not looking for a repeat performance to that degree, though.

Don't get me wrong - every now and then I do enjoy the gastronomic explosion triggered by five pounds of buffalo wings, a twelver of Bud heavy and Ex-lax brownies, but I want to be in control.

A well-lubricated, firm and fully connected bowel. In and out in under 2 minutes. How difficult can it be?
 
MYT332
Posts: 7285
Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2003 7:31 pm

RE: A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Sun Dec 31, 2006 12:45 am

I am your saviour Well Hung for I have the answer and it's so simple you'll laugh.

You know those wet wipes you buy for babies to wipe their backsides? Just get yourself a pack of those and keep them in your bathroom along side your regular toilet paper. Whenever you drop something that makes a mess and perhaps clings on for dear life, just get the baby wipes out.

I can guarantee you that no matter what the job you will be done within 6 wipes and you'll be left feeling clean and tidy!

This perhaps is one of the few advantages of living with young children.
One Life, Live it.
 
WellHung
Topic Author
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RE: A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Sun Dec 31, 2006 12:53 am

Indeed I have tried the 'moist towelette' approach and it certainly works. And of course, the wetted toilet paper to clean up splatters, etc. But I am looking for something to eliminate the need for these crutches. They may be an easy quick fix at home, but highly impractical when you're doing the nasty in a public bathroom.
 
MYT332
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Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2003 7:31 pm

RE: A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Sun Dec 31, 2006 12:58 am

Quoting WellHung (Reply 2):
but highly impractical when you're doing the nasty in a public bathroom.

Well I'm sorry but if you can't control your ass long enough to make it home then I'm not sure there is an answer for you.

See the advantage of the baby wipe is that you don't have to watch what you eat as you know that you have the equipment to take care of any bio spill.

What I think would be best is that you learnt to control your body clock better. Alas if you can't and an emergency does come up, just make sure you have a travel pack of baby wipes handy... or else.
One Life, Live it.
 
WellHung
Topic Author
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RE: A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Sun Dec 31, 2006 1:30 am

If mommy makes you stay close to home in case you have to make doodee, then your solution is fine. I guess she could even wipe your bottom for you. However, many of us travel for work and pleasure. If I'm flying back from Europe and have a layover, there is a risk of severe constipation should I decide to hold it in for 10 hours until I get home. So next time kindly consider the circumstances of people who do not live a similarly sheltered existence.
 
IFEMaster
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RE: A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Sun Dec 31, 2006 2:37 am

This must be a contender for thread of the year...
Delivering Anecdotes of Dubious Relevance Since 1978
 
DrDeke
Posts: 805
Joined: Sat Jun 11, 2005 7:13 am

RE: A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Mon Jan 01, 2007 9:01 am

Quoting Myt332 (Reply 3):
What I think would be best is that you learnt to control your body clock better.

You know, they say that's not good for you. When you've gotta go, you ought'ta go.  bouncy 

-DrDeke
If you don't want it known, don't say it on a phone.
 
ilikeyyc
Posts: 1326
Joined: Tue Dec 09, 2003 8:09 am

RE: A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Mon Jan 01, 2007 10:21 am

http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/108578.html

http://members.tripod.com/~foodgodbb/poop.html

I guess its all in the diet. There are times when I have had the "clean poop" where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper. I would sure like to know what I ate to make it come out like that. Much better than the "Wet Poo".
Fighting Absurdity with Absurdity!
 
qr332
Posts: 2592
Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 11:16 pm

RE: A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Mon Jan 01, 2007 10:42 am

You poor people need to discover an invention which seems to be lost on most of the Western world... the bidet, or the toilet hose. For some reason completely lost on me, you can never find these anywhere in most of Europe or North America, and it just makes the job so much easier - not to mention cleaner.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bidet
"The greatest threat to knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."
 
halls120
Posts: 8724
Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 3:24 am

RE: A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Mon Jan 01, 2007 1:05 pm

Quoting IFEMaster (Reply 5):
This must be a contender for thread of the year...

 thumbsup 

Quoting DrDeke (Reply 6):
Quoting Myt332 (Reply 3):What I think would be best is that you learnt to control your body clock better.
You know, they say that's not good for you. When you've gotta go, you ought'ta go.

Not sure I agree. What works for me is to be regular. I pretty much make a deposit first thing every morning, before I go out and run, and have no problem with unfortunate leftover deposits.

When I get off schedule, that's when the problems seem to crop up.
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." Mark Twain, a Biography
 
AsstChiefMark
Posts: 10465
Joined: Thu Feb 05, 2004 2:14 pm

RE: A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Mon Jan 01, 2007 1:13 pm

Quoting QR332 (Reply 8):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bidet

That's what they're for? No shit? I thought they were for chilling beer.

http://www.westernsnowconference.org/2003/Images/1BidetOfBeer.JPG

Mark  Wink

[Edited 2007-01-01 05:14:26]
Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Damned MSP...Red tail...Red tail
 
qr332
Posts: 2592
Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 11:16 pm

RE: A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Mon Jan 01, 2007 11:47 pm

Quoting AsstChiefMark (Reply 10):
That's what they're for? No shit? I thought they were for chilling beer.

 rotfl  That reminds me of a poll they once did about these things in the states... I think the majority thought they were fountains!
"The greatest threat to knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."
 
WellHung
Topic Author
Posts: 3299
Joined: Mon Feb 23, 2004 8:50 pm

RE: A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Tue Jan 02, 2007 10:32 am

So no specific suggestions? I suppose I could start a diary with the foods I ate and keep pictures and notes on the resulting excrement. After I collected enough data, I would know how to accomplish these goals.

Quoting QR332 (Reply 8):
the bidet

I would proudly wear thoroughly skidmarked underwear before I let some hose shoot water up my corn hole.
 
Gunships
Posts: 555
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2001 11:32 am

RE: A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy

Tue Jan 02, 2007 11:24 am

Quoting IFEMaster (Reply 5):
This must be a contender for thread of the year...

Cancel the rest of 2007, it appears we have a winner.

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