GSM763
Topic Author
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My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 7:16 am

Well technically he's not but he's on the way out. His dementia has got to the stage where it's not safe for him to be on his own. We think he's been having several strokes and apparently there is a 80% chance of a big one. My question is what do I do? I can take time off school and that but I'm noty sure if that's a good idea as I get the feeling that I w0ill just sit and cry at home. Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

The problem is he's becoming a deranged lunatic and he's not the man he was. He has started to become dangerous and has been taken into an acute mental ward. This is not who hge was and I really just want him to go with dignity but that doesn't look likely.

Any advice welcome

Adam
 
AirCop
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 7:44 am

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
His dementia has got to the stage where it's not safe for him to be on his own

Are there care homes in Scotland, nursing care available or adult day care? Having such a person in the house is going to put a real strain on the family.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
I can take time off school and that but I'm noty sure if that's a good idea as I get the feeling that I w0ill just sit and cry at home.

No, No, No..education is too important, plus it will give you a break from the home.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I

When he does pass, for sure pay for respect and remember the good times. Dementia like this can go on for years.
You have to realize the person he is now is not how you want to remember him, and he has really no control over his actions at this point as his brain is losing its function. I feel for you having to deal with this at an early age.
 
bill142
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 7:50 am

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

I had never been to a funeral until I went to my fathers funeral. Go, no one is going to judge you, so you don't need to be afraid of what other people are going to think. You will probably end up regretting it if you don't go.
 
GSM763
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 7:51 am

Quoting AirCop (Reply 1):
Are there care homes in Scotland, nursing care available or adult day care? Having such a person in the house is going to put a real strain on the family.

A nursing hoke has been one of his fears since forever and doing this would more or less end the relatrionship between him and my um so I don't see that happening.

Thanks very much for all the kind words so far. I really do appreciate it.

[Edited 2007-01-13 23:55:57]
 
ZKSUJ
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 7:54 am

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
The problem is he's becoming a deranged lunatic and he's not the man he was. He has started to become dangerous and has been taken into an acute mental ward.

Just remember what he used to be. After all he is still your granddad regardless of what happens.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral?

I personally tihnk you should. I have in the past not gone to the funeral of a very close loved one and I regret that today.

All the best to you
 
JAGflyer
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 8:16 am

Definietly go to his funeral. Your 13-15 and thats old enough to learn what happens at a funeral and you need to go. It is important you are exposed to what its like so you don't have to when your much older. It's nothing you at 13+ can't handle. No one is going to judge you for going to your grandfathers funeral, I dont know where you got that idea.

Try to spend as much time that you feel you can with your grandfather. I know its hard to see him in his state (I can imagine) but you need to show him you are there. Trust me, he knows your around.

Best wishes.

[Edited 2007-01-14 00:26:44]
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Noora
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 8:39 am

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
My question is what do I do?

First of all, continue going to school.

My granddad is not doing well either. I don't even know how one person can have as many health problems as he has. He's not the man he used to be and is quite depressed because of it. Sometimes I think it would be easier for him to have dementia and therefore not realise his situation.

He can hardly walk by himself and has almost completely lost his eyesight, there's no way he could live alone. My grandmom takes care of him, although she has her own illnesses and is tired too. We try to help them as much as we can.

Try to be there for him, go to see him as often as you can. It's probably the best part of the day for him when his grandchild comes to visit, that is if he still understands it.

And definitely go to his funeral. You can say your goodbyes there.

All the best to you.
 
Queso
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 8:43 am

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

Go. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't. Be strong and be there to support your family, and let them support you when you need it.
 
GQfluffy
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 8:56 am

Quoting Noora (Reply 6):
First of all, continue going to school.

 checkmark  That's what he would want you to do. Go to the funeral, it may seem hard to say goodbye there, especially if he was close to you, but it is the thing you'll need to do. See Queso's reply for the rest of my thoughts.

My grandfather died the first week of December '05. I failed a final because I thought I needed to be with my mom while she was there helping his wife go through all the loose ends. I was stupid; I see that now, and I know my grandfather would've cussed me like there was no tomorrow. I miss him, but in a way, I'm glad he is in a place where he can be happy and healthy now. The last few years of his life were hard medical-speaking, and it was agonizing to see him in that condition. I love him, miss him, but there's not much I can do to fix that. All I (and you) can do is remember the good times and laugh. Good luck, death in the family is always hard to deal with.  sorry 
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RichardPrice
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 9:03 am

This is probably going to sound harsh, but it comes from experience - your grandfather is gone, start grieving. What is left is not the person you knew, so while you continue to care for the shell that is left, ensure that you begin to grieve for the person that you knew and loved.

Its a horrible situation to be left in, the person you loved is gone but their body remains. If you start the grieving process now, it will be less of a hurt when their body goes and you will be able to approach the funeral from a differant angle.

You have my thoughts, and Im available if you need support.
 
EZYAirbus
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 9:05 am

Hi Adam

I recently lost my grandfather just before christmas, first time id lost someone so close to me, his funeral was a week before christmas, like you I had never been to one, I still didnt want to go, but I went for my my father and the rest of my family to help them cope at that difficult time, it will be your last chance to say goodbye to your grandfather too

Glenn
http://www.glenneldridgeaviation.com
 
BMIFlyer
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 9:18 am

Adam,

How sad. I remember when I lost my grandad too  Sad


Lee
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
 
DALelite
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 9:47 am

It is hard to let go off a person we love. But in the end we have to, in order that the soul can leave and we can for chance go on with our lives.
it sounds somewhat dull and not very encouraging.
but that's what i have experienced over the years , while loosing many loved ones. and each good-bye is different.
talk to your grandfather, when with him(alive or dead) or while being alone. tell him what is going on within yourself. tell him how much you love him and also about the things which you didn't like about him. get in terms with him.

attend his funeral. that's very important! mourn! don't be afraid to show your most inner feelings. it will free your own spirit after all. and therfore he will comfort you.

i wish you lots of strength for your upcoming time!

truly your: DALelite
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PanAmOldDC8
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 10:19 am

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Well technically he's not but he's on the way out. His dementia has got to the stage where it's not safe for him to be on his own. We think he's been having several strokes and apparently there is a 80% chance of a big one. My question is what do I do? I can take time off school and that but I'm noty sure if that's a good idea as I get the feeling that I w0ill just sit and cry at home. Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

The problem is he's becoming a deranged lunatic and he's not the man he was. He has started to become dangerous and has been taken into an acute mental ward. This is not who hge was and I really just want him to go with dignity but that doesn't look likely.

As a young man it is a frightening thing to have some one so close to you go through this sort of thing, my first funeral was my Grandmother when I was 6 years old and I had to walk beside the casket, at that age you really didn't realise what was going on.
I have been to several funerals since. I served in Vietnam and lost a lot of my friends and escorted many remains back to their families
First of all what you are doing is the correct thing talk about it and get advice from people who can and will help you. Secondly I recommend that you talk to your parish priest, as they are probably the ones that can help you the best as they see this sort of thing on a regular basis
You should continue going to school as that will help you through the difficult times, think positive and remember your Grandfather as he was not as he is now. Remember be strong and I am sure that your Grandfather would not want you to suffer because of him. I have a grandson who is your age and as I have told him that as time goes on regardless of what happens to me to make sure that he looks after himself and try to remember the good times we had together. If you feel like talking you can always send me an e-mail and I will try my best to help you through this. I have a friend of my Mum's who is now in the final stages of this dreadful disease so I know what you are going through.
My boy, I wish you the best and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Remember THINK POSITIVE as I am sue your Grandad would want you

PanAmOldDC8
Barbados, CWC soon, can't wait
 
ctbarnes
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 10:38 am

Adam,

If your grandfather is becoming violent (not uncommon with people suffering from dementia) the most important thing is his safety and the safety of others. That is why it is important that he receive some kind of supervised, professional care. Not necessarily in the psychiatric ward of a hospital, but in a facility that is experienced in dealing with these kind of issues.

Your desire to want to leave school and stay with him is admirable, but in the longer run, I worry this may not be in his-or your-best interest. What would happen if you were alone with him and he suddently starts throwing things? There is a risk he can injure himself, and you as well, particularly if you are not used to this type of thing. The fact this is frightening is both a normal response and also should serve as a warning that this may be more than you-or anyone else for that matter- can handle.

Your grandfather has a right to his dignity as he approaches death. In his current condition, however, having him live on his own, or with a caregiver, may not be the thing that best promotes it. Help finding care for him in an environment where he is safe and can be well cared for is probably the best thing that can be done in what is a horrible situation for anyone to face.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

Definately go to the funeral. It sounds like you two are very close, and this will give you and your family an opportunity to both grieve and share your memories of the good times together. It is the best way you can honor his memory.

Charles, SJ

(edited for spelling)

[Edited 2007-01-14 02:39:06]
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AeroWesty
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 11:14 am

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
My question is what do I do?

Caregivers often receive little attention at the very times they need the most attention. The best thing you can probably do at this stage is give as much support to the people who are giving direct care to your granddad. They're probably under a lot of stress, have needs that aren't being met, or may just need an outlet at times to relieve the pressure. Run errands for them, bring them something special occasionally (nothing outrageous--just within your means to do), even talk about their memories of better times with him (some people even record their memories of loved ones, which is something you might consider doing as you talk to them).

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

The first part of this will be controversial and not suit everyone, so bear with me initially.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. A great friend of mine died a few years ago, and he and I once talked about that he didn't care if I went to his funeral or not, as he'd rather I spent the time and money to be able to visit him while he was alive rather than dead. I ended up not going, even though I had a lot of involvement with the planning of it, and word was that a lot of people who hadn't bothered to visit him in at least a decade showed up to bid their farewells, unfortunately, he never knew it. I've no regrets about my decision, but he was a friend, not a relative, and I made that decision as an adult, without any disrespect for your age.

On the other hand, my mother passed while I was still a teenager, which I was quite unprepared for, and it has always served me well to recall the day of her funeral where her friends and relations came, bid their respects, and many kept in touch with both my sister and I to make sure that we were coping well. Some of my friends attended as well, more to show their concern for me than any other reason, I'd gather. I can never repay any of them for the kindness they offered during that difficult time, and it set an example for me at an early age how one can be selfless towards others, how little effort it takes, and how to do the same for others. It also sealed forever a memory of her of how many other lives she touched, which I wouldn't have been able to carry had I not attended. (There was no question about my attending or not at the time--this is merely an example of some of the good that can come during a time of grief.)

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
The problem is he's becoming a deranged lunatic and he's not the man he was.

As others have said, he's still your granddad, and nothing will change that. This is part of the cycle of life you will see over and over as you grow older. Forgive him for anything he might do, and carry on, giving him your unconditional love and support.

You will make it through this, I'm sure of it, and know that others will care about your well-being as well during this difficult time.
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dl021
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 12:42 pm

I send you and your family my prayers....

this is a difficult situation and I hope he doesn't suffer terribly.
Is my Pan Am ticket to the moon still good?
 
davestanKSAN
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 2:19 pm

 Sad Really sorry to hear. My prayers are with you and your family. I hope your Granddad will be okay.

I've lost both my Granddads, and they both were not doing well for many years.

My advice would be to try and not to think about him in the state that he is in now, but think about the great times you've shared. I think the biggest tribute to him that you can do is to always remember the morals and values and life experiences he taught you. I'm sure he will be very proud of you.

All the best to you and your family.

Dave
Yesterday we've sinned, today we move towards God. Touch the sky....love and respect...Safe Star!
 
cedars747
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 2:32 pm

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
My Granddad Is Dying...

Oh ! how sad . My support to you and your family.That's life  Sad

Alex!!!
Tengo una pasion por la aviacion !لدي شغف للطيران !I have a passion for aviation !Jeg har en lidenskap for luftfart!j'ai
 
NeilYYZ
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 5:21 pm

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
My question is what do I do?

You can't do anything. Life is a real bitch sometimes. Don't drop out of school, it's your life that you need to worry about first, but when you're not in school and you have free time, go and spend some time with him. There will be good days and bad day's to be sure.

My grandmother had Alzheimer's for many years, it was hard when some days she would know who I was, and others ask the nurse to make me leave because she had no idea who I was. I kept going when I could and if it was a good day, it was great, if it was a bad day, it was hard, but it wasn't her fault, she was slowly dying from a disease. I just spent time with her, eventually she got to the point where she just looked at me with a blank stare, but until the day she died I spent time with her.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral?

Absolutely.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

I've been to more than I can count. They're not as scary as many young people think. I went to my first one in grade 2, since then I've been to them for family and friends who've died. I've given eulogies and carried the caskets, it's never an easy thing to go to, but you get closure that way. I would absolutely go.

One of my biggest regrets in my whole life was not going to visit my grandfather in the hospital one Monday night because I wanted to go see a movie with friends, he died the next day and I still think about it. The funeral gives closure, you don't have to eulogize, you don't have to say anything, just be there, believe me, you'll regret it if you don't go.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
This is not who hge was and I really just want him to go with dignity but that doesn't look likely.

Sometimes that doesn't happen, my grandmother that I talked about above had no dignity when she passed, being fed, being in diapers, not recognizing her family or friends. The fact was she had a terrible disease and was dying, we all loved her, and helped her in any way we could. Sometimes things are just out of our control.
It may be too early to drink scotch... But it is NEVER too early to think about it...
 
GSM763
Topic Author
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 6:58 pm

Forst of all thanks for all the advice/sympathy. I really do appreciate it. I was almost certainly going to the funertal but I just was not sure about what this would do to me as it would be a new thing for me. As of this orning the situatrion has not really changed but I will keep you posted.

Thanks Again

Adam
 
PanAmOldDC8
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Sun Jan 14, 2007 11:14 pm

Quoting GSM763 (Reply 20):
Forst of all thanks for all the advice/sympathy. I really do appreciate it. I was almost certainly going to the funertal but I just was not sure about what this would do to me as it would be a new thing for me. As of this orning the situatrion has not really changed but I will keep you posted

Keep your chin, we are all here for you

PanAmOldDC8
Barbados, CWC soon, can't wait
 
GSM763
Topic Author
Posts: 573
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Tue Jan 16, 2007 6:24 am

Thanks for all the tributes and comments. As a kind of therapy me and my mum have started a blo recording our thoughtson the matter. Tyou can see it at http://dementedtimes.blogsome.com
 
dtwclipper
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Tue Jan 16, 2007 6:38 am

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 15):
Funerals are for the living, not the dead

Never has a truer statement been uttered.

I just got back from a funeral about an hour ago. I went for the family and for my parents. The family got so much joy out of seeing us there together, they knew their loved one was remembered and missed.


GSM763!

I'm very sorry to hear that you are dealing with a loved one with dementia. It is a terrible and cruel progressive decease.

I know this first hand, as I am dealing with my 81 year old mother right now who is going through it . It's hard to watch a person go from vibrant to disorientated, but that is what being a family is all about.
Compare New York Air, the Airline that works for your Business
 
andessmf
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Tue Jan 16, 2007 6:38 am

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Any advice welcome

Very little. Unfortunately the situation looks pretty grim in my eyes. All you can do is try and remember what he used to be like, and keep those memories alive by having such type of conversations with him. Go to the funeral, it might feel 'right' now, but in the future you don't want that decision to haunt you.

Sometimes we don't realize how precious a healthy life is, this might be an opportunity to really realize it and cherish what you and your family have not lost.

Quoting GSM763 (Reply 22):
As a kind of therapy me and my mum have started a blo recording our thoughtson the matter.

Good idea, you should talk about it as much as you feel like.

My thoughts go to you and your family at this time of need.
 
S12PPL
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Tue Jan 16, 2007 7:07 am

I would certainly go to the funeral.

I think it was '99 when my grandfather passed. He had a very short battle with cancer. We knew he was sick, and not doing well. We were going down to spend Thanksgiving with all of our family down there, but a little over 2 weeks before, my Aunt called and said we needed to get down there. We booked last minute tickets, and flew down on a Friday night, and he died while we were down there. It's something I'm glad I did, even though it was very hard for me. It was exceptionally rough on my dad, of course, being his father. We had the memorial service when we were down there for Thanksgiving. We were spending the week down there anyway, so we planned it for then. I'm very glad we were there for it. It was great to hear what everyone had to say about him, and his life, etc.


If you don't go, you may regret it for your whole life. It's a sad time, but it's also a good chance to celebrate his life.
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vikkyvik
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Tue Jan 16, 2007 7:30 am

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
The problem is he's becoming a deranged lunatic and he's not the man he was. He has started to become dangerous and has been taken into an acute mental ward. This is not who hge was and I really just want him to go with dignity but that doesn't look likely.

I'll just address that particular point.

Death and sickness are unplanned. Sometimes people go with "dignity" and sometimes they don't. Realistically, however, to die is to die, no matter how it happens. My step-grandmother has had Alzheimers for years, and she's been at a facility for the last few years. She can't do anything herself, and she's not very aware of what is going on around her. She hasn't been able to speak in years.

Seeing her, and seeing how my stepmom and her siblings deal with her, has really opened my eyes in a way. One could say that my step-grandmother has no dignity left or whatever. But you know, I just don't believe that. First of all, we always have the memories of how she was way back when. But more importantly, we cannot always choose the path that our lives take. She has Alzheimers and is completely dependent on others; I still respect and love her as much now as I did when she was fully coherent.

What I'm trying to say is this: people talk about wanting someone to "die with dignity." I personally think this is pretty meaningless. No matter how someone dies, and no matter what the circumstances leading up to their death, you will remember them exactly as you want to remember them. And you'll love them despite the struggles that they are going through.

~Vik
I'm watching Jeopardy. The category is worst Madonna songs. "This one from 1987 is terrible".
 
BigOrange
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Wed Jan 17, 2007 2:50 am

Quoting Noora (Reply 6):
Sometimes I think it would be easier for him to have dementia and therefore not realise his situation.

Don't wish that on him or yourself. It's not fun seeing someone you love develop dementia/alzheimers. Trust me, I went through that with my grandmother 11 years ago and it's hard. No matter how sick you think he is now, it's much harder to deal with someone when their memory goes. The hardest part is not being recognized, or being recognized as one of your uncles or something.

Quoting GSM763 (Reply 3):
A nursing hoke has been one of his fears since forever and doing this would more or less end the relatrionship between him and my um so I don't see that happening.

But if he has dementia then he isn't going to know where he is. I don't mean to sound harsh but that's the reality. Most nursing homes that will take him at this stage in his life will look more like a hospital than a nursing home anyway. I don't advocate puitting anyone you love in a nursing home, but if he is becoming violent then there's not much you can do.

Check with your granddad's family doctor to see if they do something called "hospice care" at home. This is something I have learned about recently with my wife's grandmother. A special team of nurses and social workers evaluate the person and their medications. Any medications that are treating illness are stopped and replaced with medication to keep them comfortable in their final days, weeks or months. You may be surprised at the difference in them in the beginning. Their health will seem to improve.

And whatever you do, go to the funeral. It's your last chance to say goodbye, and if you don't go you'll regret it. Don't worry about what anyone else is thinking about your state of mind, just focus on saying goodbye.
 
OHLHD
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RE: My Granddad Is Dying...

Thu Jan 18, 2007 4:53 am

My grandfather passed away in Nov and I attended the funeral in Finland although it was hard to get there.My brother and sister came with me aswell despite paying a large sum for the tickets. It did not matter what the cost were or how hard it was to drive 6hours during complete darkness.

All that counted was the fact that with the whole family toghether it was much easier to overcome the tragic loss of the my grandfather.

I can just speak for myself but I could have never excused myself for not beeing there.

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