(I re-wrote a well-known bible story in CHRISBA777ER style for another website where they were discussing why women get periods - enjoy!)
God made man in his own image.
Initially, he made woman equally beautiful, but as soon as that scheming little cow, Eve, stitched up the whole bloody human race by being completely unable to resist the apple that Satan-the-Serpent offered up, God got annoyed and started kicking ass, and taking down some names.
God realised Adam was off doing manly things, such as running naked through the Garden of Eden looking manly, and possibly fashioning a small football from twigs and leaves and dribbling it past some bored-looking Angels to score a cracking left footed twenty-yarder. He was not involved in Eve's treachery. She saw something she was told she couldn’t have, and as with all women today, wanted it more. The more she was told by God that she couldn’t have it, the more that she wanted it. Typical bloody woman. She assumed that she was smarter than God and that she wouldn’t get caught, which is so typical.
Anyway - as we all know, she did take a bite of the forbidden fruit, which we can only assume was a euphemism for something else, and she seemed really surprised that God found out. Its not like he is the all-seeing, all-knowing Lord of all creation or anything... First she denied it all, like the scheming, lying little cow she was, then realising God was having none of it, turned on the waterworks. It was at this point that Adam strolls over, flushed and perspiring from single-handedly beating a team full of Angels at football (and scoring a cracking left footed twenty-yarder in the process). Scratching his balls he thinks about enquiring why Eve is crying, but then realises that he is probably to blame for whatever she is upset about, and asking what is wrong will just make her more upset. He is just about to apologise for whatever it was that he has done, when God's voice comes booming out of the Heavens. I'll be honest, he isn’t a happy camper.
Adam finds out that Eve has taken a bite of the forbidden fruit. He isn’t happy either.
"You selfish bint - you could have had any fruit in the bloody garden, but you had to have that one - why?" he shouts.
His protests are cut off by more apocalyptic booming from above.
"Guys - You knew the rules. You just couldn’t help yourselves could you? Eve, you are a deceitful woman, and am I very disappointed. Adam, you are blameless here, but I’m sure on some level Eve will blame you for her mendacity and sin, so I'm going to punish you both..." he booms. Thunder cracks across the skies to emphasise God's point, which Eve thought was a bit OTT and macho.
Before she can protest, God carries on, obviously pleased at the effect his coruscating pronunciations are having on the two butt-naked people in his garden paradise below.
"Eve, you shall be reminded of your lies and dishonesty once a month for the rest of time. It shall be bloody, painful, and generally unpleasant, so that everyone knows what a horrible little strumpet you really are. Adam, sorry to do this to you matey, but you must be punished as well, as it says in the Gods and All-Powerful Deities Charter that I must be even-handed at all times. Therefore, before Eve gets her little "reminder" every month, she is going to be really moody and horrible and you'll just have to put up with it. This shall forever be known as the "Poor Man Suffer" week and in all honesty mate, it isn’t nice, but that will teach you to keep your woman in check. Now bugger off and think about what I’ve said"....
[Edited 2007-02-09 14:03:40]
What do you mean you dont have any bourbon? Do you know how far it is to Houston? What kind of airline is this???