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Braybuddy
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When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 6:58 pm

I've been seeing this guy (very) occasionally for the last year or so. He lives as far north of the city as I do south, so it's not the easiest for us to hook up. I like him: I always thought him a decent lad (he's 20), probably a little shy but he can be funny and good company once you get to know him. He always struck me as a very well-adjusted lad, although not overly ambitious. He's training to be a social worker and wants to work with handicapped kids, which to me says a lot. He works part time in a supermarket while he's training, so he's not earning a lot of money, and, of course, he's still living at home.

Last week he texted, as he always does when he wants to hook up. It transpired he was going to Riga with his mates on Friday for a stag weekend and was strapped for cash. I needed someone to give me a hand with some work around the house, so I told him I'd give him €80 if he hopped on the train. It involved an hour and a half's work at the most.

So he came out last Wednesday. After he left, I had some shopping to do. I keep any cash in the house in a brown envelope on top of the wardrobe. You can guess what happened next: there was one €5 note inside. The previous day there was around €200. My first reaction was that I may have taken the money for something else or moved it and couldn't remember (which has happened before). I didn't phone him in case I was mistaken. Over the weekend I put my spare time to good use and had a complete clearout in the bedroom. The money is still missing. I had left him in the bedroom twice on his own for several minutes.

So, I'm on the horns of a dilemma. If I accuse him he'll deny it and I probably won't see him again. I know I'm not going to get the money back, and there's no way I'd report him to the police. I've never had any trouble with him before, and put it down to him being desperate for cash for his weekend away. I'm not going to say nothing about it either, as I want him to know that I know he did it. I'd be quite happy to do a deal with him and get him to do some more work for me, if he's willing, but he may be reluctant to come out in case it's some sort of trap.

A lot of you reading this probably think I'm crazy to even want to have anything more to do with him. I know where I stand with him now and, if he were to come out again the simple solution is to make sure there's no money lying around. I'm not angry with him, just disappointed, and I'm prepared to forgive him if he's prepared to make some sort of redress. I don't know if he will, but without that I could not see him again, which would be a shame.

Most of you are going to say "Dump him!", but he's too nice for that. He's still young and we've all made mistakes in our time. He's back from Riga today, so I'll probably leave it till tomorrow to make contact. It will be interesting to see how he reacts.

I don't even think I'm looking for advice here, just sounding-off and getting it off my chest. I've spoken to two of my mates about it. One said to drop him, another suggested saying nothing, having him out again, planting a trap and catching him in the act.
 
baylorairbear
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 7:05 pm

All I can offer is that it may have been only money this time, but if you allow him access again, it may be more next time. Ultimately, it could cost you your life.

How's that for unwanted advice?

BAB silly 
I'm just skipping stones...
 
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Braybuddy
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 7:14 pm

Quoting BaylorAirBear (Reply 1):
Ultimately, it could cost you your life.

How's that for unwanted advice?

He's not a violent type at all, though thanks for that nice thought BAB! It would be impossible to do that and get away with it anyway: he knows he'd be easily traced.
 
UTA_flyinghigh
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 7:20 pm

I second this, Ireland is an island and a very small country - there's nowhere to hise from the Garda Siochanà if you're wanted  Silly

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TurkishWings
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 7:25 pm

I think you should dump him. But of course, if you REALLY like him, you might think twice.

A similar thing happened to me with my flat mate (just a mate). I found out he was stealing money from me. I called my BF over, we all sat down and talked. I had a knife under the pillow just in case hehe... I sent him away in five minutes and didn't even allow him to get into my apartment to pick his clothes. I put them all in big bags and gave it to a friend of his.

Much later, I found out that he was doing this to a lot of other people including his very own boyfriend.

My suggestion to you is to dump him before he steals more. Because he most certainly will....First he starts with stealing only when he needs money but once he gets the sweet taste of free (!!) money, he will steal more and not only from you....

Be very careful....
Coffee - Tea or Me?
 
AeroWesty
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 7:33 pm

Quoting Braybuddy (Thread starter):
I keep any cash in the house in a brown envelope on top of the wardrobe.

It sounds as if it wasn't in plain sight, and in the few minutes he was alone in your bedroom, he found where you kept your stash of cash. It wasn't just a crime of opportunity, he went looking to rip you off. (Now I could also be wrong about this and he knew that's where you kept your cash.)

Either way doesn't sound good. He could have just asked to borrow some money, but he chose to take it instead. If he really had to go looking for it, that would make me uncomfortable having him around again.

An alternate course of action could be just securing everything of value in the house, have him 'round again, then getting what you consider €195 worth out of him in return, before you show him the door for good.  Wink
International Homo of Mystery
 
Doona
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 7:38 pm

Quoting Braybuddy (Thread starter):
So, I'm on the horns of a dilemma.

I agree, it's a tough situation. However, I do think you should confront him with it. Perhaps he turns out to be remorseful, and then I suppose you could have him work it off. If he's a reasonable guy, he'll do it, if not - get rid of him. Still, he might deny the whole thing, and then I think you should get rid of him all the same. Even if he is a nice guy, you need to be able to trust him. Otherwise, show him the door.

Cheers
Mats
Sure, we're concerned for our lives. Just not as concerned as saving 9 bucks on a roundtrip to Ft. Myers.
 
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Braybuddy
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 7:44 pm

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 5):
It sounds as if it wasn't in plain sight, and in the few minutes he was alone in your bedroom, he found where you kept your stash of cash. It wasn't just a crime of opportunity, he went looking to rip you off. (Now I could also be wrong about this and he knew that's where you kept your cash.)

The envelope was sticking out over the top, which he must have noticed, and carefully put it back in the exact same postion. He probably thought it was money I'd stuffed away and forogtten about.

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 5):
Either way doesn't sound good. He could have just asked to borrow some money, but he chose to take it instead

I know, I know. I'm trying to justify the unjustifiable. In the way that he's not overly ambitious, I couldn't ever see him being a career criminal -- he's too laid-back for that! He saw an opportunity and went for it. Of course it's my fault too for leaving money lying round, thinking it was completely hidden.


Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 5):
An alternate course of action could be just securing everything of value in the house, have him 'round again, then getting what you consider €195 worth out of him in return, before you show him the door for good.

Yep! Thought of that too. Though I'd still hate to dump him for good. It will be interesting to see his reaction. I don't think he'll be able to handle it well.
 
AeroWesty
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 7:50 pm

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 7):
I don't think he'll be able to handle it well.

If it was in plain sight, then honestly, give him the opportunity to fess up then. You never know, it could be the thing that turns him around from ever thinking about doing it again, to you or anyone else, if it was a one-off deal. If you really think he possibly does this to others, or could do it to you again, dump him. You have to be able to trust your tricks, err, friends. After all, rent boys are cheaper.  silly 
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Doona
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 7:57 pm

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 8):
After all, rent boys are cheaper.

Amen to that.

BTW, why would he leave a fiver? Reminds me of when my dorm-mates drink (STEAL!) my milk, and leave only a tiny amount in the carton, as if that would diminish the severeity of the crime somehow.  banghead 

Cheers
Mats
Sure, we're concerned for our lives. Just not as concerned as saving 9 bucks on a roundtrip to Ft. Myers.
 
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Braybuddy
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 8:02 pm

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 8):
After all, rent boys are cheaper

I know! The going rate seems to be €180 an hour (I've checked). He got €280, including the money I paid him for the work he did. Nice for an hour and a half's work.

Quoting Doona (Reply 9):
BTW, why would he leave a fiver?

Think he may have missed it in his rush. I was only out of the room for a couple of minutes and he would have heard me coming back. The other notes were €50s, which are bigger.
 
AeroWesty
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 8:17 pm

So you will update us to what happens, right? What you decide to do, and if he comes round does he fess up to it or not. (Anything else, you can just IM to us.)  Wink Who wants to be on the IM list?
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Alessandro
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 8:19 pm

Stay away, let the relationship dwindle to nothing.
From New Yorqatar to Califarbia...
 
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Braybuddy
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 8:28 pm

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 11):
So you will update us to what happens, right?

I'm going to work shortly and will probably mull over what I'm going to say. He should be at home later, so I'll text him then. I reckon on playing it cool, asking him how the weekend went and what they got up to. I'll post an update tomorrow.
 
Birdwatching
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 8:43 pm

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 10):
I know! The going rate seems to be €180 an hour (I've checked).

Damn, looks like I should consider a career change... I don't earn that much in two weeks!

Soren  santahat 
All the things you probably hate about travelling are warm reminders that I'm home
 
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Braybuddy
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 8:49 pm

Quoting Birdwatching (Reply 14):
Damn, looks like I should consider a career change... I don't earn that much in two weeks!

Can I have first call on that if you do, Soren?
 
AeroWesty
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 8:52 pm

Quoting Birdwatching (Reply 14):
I should consider a career change

Would you consider offering group rates? We might have friends, you know.
International Homo of Mystery
 
bilgerat
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 9:25 pm

Thieving is a totally dishonourable activity, and speaks volumes about the character of the thief.

It appears you were doing this guy a favour, now 80 Euros is about £50, which is a *very* generous sum for 90 minutes graft. Instead, this guy ripped you off. I'd say you should confront him, even if he denies it and you don't get your money back, at least you can say you had it out with him.

I joined a ship about 3 years ago now, and thieving from your shipmates is one of the worst (if not the worst) crime anyone can commit at sea. Everyone used to leave their cabin doors open and just a curtain drawn across the entrance. Several people had money go missing from their wallets which were left in their cabins. It was going on for some weeks, and we had a fairly good idea who the culprit was. One guy set a trap by leaving his laptop (with webcam) recording in his cabin one day, and got video evidence of the thief in action. A few days later the thief fell down some stairs and landed on his face. Not long after that he left the ship, and his reputation spread throughout the company. Some time later he left the company because nobody would have anything to do with him.

[Edited 2007-04-23 14:26:22]
 
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Braybuddy
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 9:44 pm

Quoting BilgeRat (Reply 17):
It appears you were doing this guy a favour, now 80 Euros is about £50, which is a *very* generous sum for 90 minutes graft

Yep. I like the guy and I knew he was stuck for cash, hence the offer. It was a chance to help the guy out, and I had no problem with that.

Quoting BilgeRat (Reply 17):
I'd say you should confront him, even if he denies it and you don't get your money back, at least you can say you had it out with him.

Oh I'm going to do that! Trouble is, I don't want him slamming down the phone (can you slam down a mobile?), so I have to play it cool and probably text, asking him how his weekend went, then telling him. I want him to know that I know he did it, and that I'm not happy about it.

Quoting BilgeRat (Reply 17):
A few days later the thief fell down some stairs and landed on his face.

Was that "accidental"?
 
luv2fly
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 10:38 pm

OK here is what I would do.

Say nothing, invite the little bugger out for a meal, once at the restaurant, talk laugh eat, have a good time. Excuse yourself to use the loo, give the wait staff a note to give to the little bugger and leave ASAP! Have the note say something like BUSTED! Friends don't like friends to nick cash from them! Something creative like this and you can have the last laugh all the way home. Also have the wait staff give the little bugger a note in the same envelope he nicked the cash from.
You can cut the irony with a knife
 
luv2fly
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 11:15 pm

Thus leaving him with the whole bill to pay! At least you will get a meal out of it and he will think twice before doing it again.
You can cut the irony with a knife
 
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HAWK21M
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Mon Apr 23, 2007 11:21 pm

Place some more notes in the Bag & call him over again.Check if it disappears again.
Then you'll know.
regds
MEL
I may not win often, but I damn well never lose!!! ;)
 
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Braybuddy
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Tue Apr 24, 2007 4:35 pm

Quoting Luv2fly (Reply 19):
Say nothing, invite the little bugger out for a meal, once at the restaurant, talk laugh eat, have a good time. Excuse yourself to use the loo, give the wait staff a note to give to the little bugger and leave ASAP! Have the note say something like BUSTED! Friends don't like friends to nick cash from them! Something creative like this and you can have the last laugh all the way home. Also have the wait staff give the little bugger a note in the same envelope he nicked the cash from.

You should be writing soap operas Luv2fly . . .

I could do something nasty on him if I wanted to (starting with calling the police), but the thing is, I don't want to. Despite what he did, I'm not angry with him, just disappointed. The easiest way to explain to everyone who's suggested getting back on him would be to imagine how you'd react if your favourite nephew/cousin did the same. You wouldn't deal with him the same way you would a total stranger. What he did was wrong, and he knows that, and he knows I could do some nasty things on him if I wanted to. I know the convenience store where he works, and it would be a major embarrassment for me to arrive with a couple of cops. Even if I didn't involve the police, I could call round to have a "chat", which would mortify him. He's bisexual, and his family, friends and workmates don't know this (least of all his girlfriend), and he knows I could embarrass him hugely here, if I wanted to. The thing is, I don't want to go down that road.

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 21):
Place some more notes in the Bag & call him over again.Check if it disappears again.

One of my mates has already suggested that, but there's no need really. I know he did it.

So, I texted the lovely Kevin a few times last night and got no reply. I only realised yesterday when deleting sent messages that I'd accidentally sent him three blank messages last Friday, two days after he was here. Because of family/girlfriend reasons, he knows I never, ever text him until he text first, so by getting three uninvited blank texts he would have known something was up, and probably thought I was playing mind games. My texts last night were friendly, asking how he got on in Riga and what he got up to. They were all delivered, and there was no reply. If there was any doubt in my mind about him taking the money, the fact that he didn't reply confirms it. We had texted normally on Wednesday after he left, but before I discovered the money was missing.

So I'll play it low-key. I'll text again today and maybe even make him sweat a little. He's a lot more to lose out of all this than I do, although I'm NOT going to do anything nasty on him. Like I said earlier, he is a very likeable lad. What he did was wrong, but last week he was desperate for cash, by sheer fluke came across a golden opportunity and went for it. By applying a bit of psychological pressure I just might be able to prick his conscience a little. He's not very materialistic, and I think proof of that is the fact that he wants to work with handicapped kids. He could get a much better paid job than that, least of all modelling, which I've said to him in the past. At 6'1 and with his dark, smouldering looks he wasn't voted the Supervalu hottie last year by the female staff for nothing!
 
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HAWK21M
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 4:48 pm

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 22):
One of my mates has already suggested that, but there's no need really. I know he did it.

If you are sure.Then there is no question about not dropping your friend.
regds
MEL
I may not win often, but I damn well never lose!!! ;)
 
767Lover
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 5:02 pm

Stop making excuses for the guy.

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 7):
Of course it's my fault too for leaving money lying round, thinking it was completely hidden.

It was hidden

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 22):
The easiest way to explain to everyone who's suggested getting back on him would be to imagine how you'd react if your favourite nephew/cousin did the same. You wouldn't deal with him the same way you would a total stranger.

A favourite relative is different from someone you hook up with occasionally. He essentially is a stranger.

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 22):
friends and workmates don't know this (least of all his girlfriend),

The fact that he has a g/f and is cheating on her says a lot about the sort of individual he is. He is not an honest person.

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 22):
but last week he was desperate for cash,

Needing money to pay for an operation or a meal is desperate. Needing money for a lad's weekend is not.
 
kevi747
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 5:44 pm

Are you kidding? Why would you allow yourself to be treated like that? You have to get rid of him immediately. There's no way to build a relationship now that you know that he's willing to screw you over to get what he wants. You don't have to be mean about it, just get rid of him.

OK, I just looked at your profile. Got it now. Honey, you're not the first gay guy to get taken for a ride by a younger guy. I got robbed by a guy I'd known for 2 years. I was so pissed. I've never seen him again. And I have a good friend who got taken for a ride over and over and kept going back for more. Don't listen to anyone else's advice except mine because I've been there:

First, skip all the tests, he robbed you. He's what's known in the Spanish-speaking Caribbean as a "bugaron", pronounced BOO-GAH-RONE. We don't really have a word for it in English, and it's not near as prevalent in our culture, but basically he's a bisexual hustler who uses his sexuality and good-looks to get monetary favors from gay men and (sometimes) women. Now, you have 2 options in dealing with these people:

1. Use him for something you want (let's be honest: sex with a hot younger guy) and give him what he wants (nice gifts, cash when he needs it, a place to crash, etc.) But you must take all precautions to protect yourself from being robbed (hide valuables, NEVER leave your drink unattended, watch him closely, etc.), because then you feel like a chump. This is a very hard dynamic to work out and I've never seen it succeed, because you WILL fall for him. But if you can keep it as an occasional fun "fling" you may have a prayer. But just the fact that you're upset and asking for advice here tells me it's not possible. Which leaves the only viable option:

2. Cut him loose and move on.

It's a hard lesson to learn, but you have to start looking for more mature people to associate with. You're a good-looking older man, you should try to find someone you have more in common with. I hope I didn't come off as condescending, but like I said, I went through it once, and I've seen MANY friends go through the same thing.

Anyway, good luck and I hope this helps.  Smile
"Reality has a well-known liberal bias." --Stephen Colbert
 
767Lover
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 5:55 pm

Quoting Kevi747 (Reply 25):
Use him for something you want (let's be honest: sex with a hot younger guy)

That would work if the dude was available "on demand." However, original poster indicated that the dude always has to make the initial contact due to his lifestyle.

So essentially original poster is the one being "used" -- and paying for it in addition to that.
 
kevi747
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 6:01 pm

Quoting 767Lover (Reply 26):
That would work if the dude was available "on demand." However, original poster indicated that the dude always has to make the initial contact due to his lifestyle.

So essentially original poster is the one being "used" -- and paying for it in addition to that.

Exactly! Which is why I continued:

Quoting Kevi747 (Reply 25):
But just the fact that you're upset and asking for advice here tells me it's not possible. Which leaves the only viable option:

2. Cut him loose and move on.

I really don't think there'e anyway to make it work. I've seen people try, but it never does. It's a flawed realationship from the start.
"Reality has a well-known liberal bias." --Stephen Colbert
 
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Braybuddy
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:11 pm

Okay guys, flame away! Thing is, this is not a relationship or anything, just an occasional hook-up and a great bit of fun.

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 23):
If you are sure.Then there is no question about not dropping your friend.

There have been developments, and now I don't know what to think.

I thought he was home on Monday and sent him several friendly texts to see what sort of response I'd get. There was no reply, but yesterday morning I got a text:

"Hey man whats with the bombard of texts   only back today you crazy thing".

I started by asking about his weekend and he gave me a brief rundown. After that I said something along the lines of "Look Kevin, I like you, but what you did was unacceptable and wrong". He asked what I was taking about, and I strung him along until he ran out of credit.

Later he texted asking me to tell him what he did wrong. I told him money had gone missing from my room the day he was out. He said he knew nothing about it, and we texted for an hour or so until I realised we were just going round in circles. I was still convinced of his guilt at that stage.

Then later, around half twelve last night, when he was probably in bed, he started texting again. Now bearing in mind I never threatned him with anything -- I just told him that it wasn't on, was unacceptable etc etc, he seemd to get very concerned.

Here's a few of his texts (I've been saving them to mull over):

"I did not touch anything. I swear on my life"

"Man you think i would do that"

"Man i swear on my life we had a deal and i stuck to it 80 euro did not rob you. I like you man"

"i swear to u i did not touch that. you think i would. im hurt by that i really like you. i promise you i didnt"

"That other guy was around your house, believe me. like why would i text straight after i left looks like im gonna be ruined wit this"

"i want you to believe me. i would not do that to you".


At that point I told him we'd talk about it tomorrow.

The thing I didn't mention, and didn't think I needed to, is that I have a lodger who's been living here for four years. He only stays one or two nights a week and I've never had any trouble with him, apart from once over a payment, which there was a dispute over. There was a family bereavement at the time so I didn't argue and gave him the benefit of the doubt, but I was very puzzled about it at the time.

I always lock my bedroom door when I'm out, but last Wednesday James (the lodger) wasn't around and when I left the house with Kevin and dropped him to the station I left my door unlocked. I went for a half-hour walk after dropping him off, then went home, and found James in his room. The thing is, Kevin had asked me if James was around and I told him he wasn't. So, why would Kevin accuse James when he was told he wasn't around?

And, another thing which may, or may not, be relevant: Kevin badly wants to get out of his house, and he's asked me several times, including last week, if James had any intention of leaving, and to give him first option on the spare room if he did. So, if he's keen to move in, would he really jeapordise it by stealing?

I really need to talk to him about this. With texting or phoning you can't pick up on subtle signals or nervousness.

I never had any reason to suspect James, and the fact that Kevin was standing in front of the wardrobe where the money was stashed on top, confirmed my suspicions. How many times have we seen a film to be led by a series of events to an obvious conclusion, when the reality lies elsewhere?

I'm going to have to get to the bottom of it, and it's a very difficult one to call.

[Edited 2007-04-25 12:24:27]
 
767Lover
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:28 pm

Your judgement is being clouded by a nice @$$ and a good lay.

This guy sounds suspicious. Again, he is a liar by the fact that he is obviously lying to his girlfriend. He is probably very practiced at making up excuses and sounding convincing. But it's your life, your money and if you want to have someone around who you don't know is trustworthy or not, that's up to you.

However, evidently this issue does bother you else you wouldn't be putting energy into this thread.
 
baylorairbear
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:31 pm

Braybuddy, from the texts you have posted, it is obvious to me (considering how uninvolved I, or any of us, are in this) that he is guilty. Those aren't the things someone says when they are arguing their innocence. Those are the kinds of things a caught person says to make his accuser feel guilty and blame himself.

Be strong and stern. There is no need to get a confession. You know he did it. Hold him accountable by removing him from yor life. 80 euros is a small price to pay to know just how much you can trust someone.

BAB
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Braybuddy
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:37 pm

Quoting 767Lover (Reply 29):
Again, he is a liar by the fact that he is obviously lying to his girlfriend. He is probably very practiced at making up excuses and sounding convincing. But it's your life, your money and if you want to have someone around who you don't know is trustworthy or not, that's up to you.

Is there anyone on the planet who's never told a lie in their lives? Would you want to know them?

The thing is, I've come acoss a few dodgy characters in my time. Two guys come to mind: one nicked a small amount of money, the other a Walkman and camera. I gave both short shrift, and when challenged on it they went to ground immediately. They wouldn't even argue.

Kevin's reaction is very different. He thinks this is going to ruin him, which it's not. I'm not going to involve the cops. It's something I have to work out myself. I'm doubting now if it was Kevin, and concerned it was the lodger. If it was, he's out the door before he can even apoligise.
 
AeroWesty
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:16 pm

The straight people are so not getting this.

Ah well, back to bed.  Smile
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:22 pm

Just had a few more texts from him protesting his innocence and he wants to meet up next week to talk about it. I'll have a good idea then.
 
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:38 pm

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 32):
The straight people are so not getting this.

Well, not even all gays are

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 28):
So, if he's keen to move in, would he really jeapordise it by stealing?

He might want to be closer to the moneywell?


You can hook up with him, and have a serious talk with him. If he confesses it, you might be able to forgive him. If on the other hand, you are absolutely positively sure he did it and he keeps denying it, I would see no reason why you would continue seeing him or considering him as a friend.

Then again, even if he does confess... I dunno, would you want a friend that steals on you? (even if he has other good qualities...)
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767Lover
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:42 pm

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 31):
Is there anyone on the planet who's never told a lie in their lives? Would you want to know them?

The thing is, I've come acoss a few dodgy characters in my time. Two guys come to mind: one nicked a small amount of money, the other a Walkman and camera. I gave both short shrift, and when challenged on it they went to ground immediately. They wouldn't even argue.

Kevin's reaction is very different. He thinks this is going to ruin him, which it's not. I'm not going to involve the cops. It's something I have to work out myself. I'm doubting now if it was Kevin, and concerned it was the lodger. If it was, he's out the door before he can even apoligise.

OK.

So I'm confused. Why did you start this thread?

Seeing as I am one of the "straight people" who obviously doesn't "get it," I'll leave. Carry on!
 
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:49 pm

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 32):
The straight people are so not getting this.

He is not thinking straight, the sex has probably been good but its time for him to move on.

Quoting Braybuddy (Thread starter):
I always thought him a decent lad (he's 20), probably a little shy but he can be funny and good company once you get to know him.

His 20 and you are like 46-50;

Time for you to look for someone your own age.
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:55 pm

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 31):

Kevin's reaction is very different. He thinks this is going to ruin him, which it's not. I'm not going to involve the cops. It's something I have to work out myself. I'm doubting now if it was Kevin, and concerned it was the lodger. If it was, he's out the door before he can even apoligise.

If you're certain that it was him who nicked the money then he's specifically come to your house to steal from you and now he's lying about it.

Don't piss about and get the police involved. €200 is enough money to mean this isn't some petty crime. You say he's trying to be a social worker working with disabled kids - would you want someone who would rob significant money from his own friend to work with disabled kids? Lord knows the problems that social services have had in the past with some of its workers regarding child abuse.
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 9:02 pm

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 32):
The straight people are so not getting this.

Well, count me in as one of those that does not get it.

I mean, Norman, why would you want to be associated with someone who has shown so little respect for you that actually stole your possessions (ok, not that much money, but still). I don't think compromising your integrity even for a good "hook-up" is worth it.

Should you decide to "pursue" the matter further, at least meet him in a neutral ground - somewhere else. However, to have this person living in your house sounds like an open invitation to disaster to me!

Alex
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 9:48 pm

Quoting Flyingbabydoc (Reply 38):
However, to have this person living in your house sounds like an open invitation to disaster to me!

Okay, like I said before, he's not the violent sort (quite the opposite), and, as UTA mentioned above, he knows he would be very easily traced, and his life would be ruined if he did happen to do anything stupid.

Quoting Flyingbabydoc (Reply 38):
why would you want to be associated with someone who has shown so little respect for you that actually stole your possessions

I think I passed the point of looking for respect a long time ago! Just give me the sex and I'm happy.

Seriously though, like I said before, this guy is not a relationship, nor a casual pick-up. We know each other about a year, and, while the sex is the main thing, there's more to this guy than that. He's learning the ropes on a lot of things, and, like most guys of that age living in a straight world, doesn't have anyone outside his girlfrined to confide in, and she seems to be very demanding and constantly wrecks his head. So he'll sound me out on things like his relaionship, his sexuality and his career. And he's great company: we've got on extremely well from the very start.

Because of the nature of the friendship, we don't exchange gifts on birthdays or at Christmas. He's never asked me for money, even though he's not earning much and we've never been out for a meal together, nor even a pint. So, in the last year this guy hasn't cost me a cent, apart from the cost of petrol if I'm driving him home. So the money isn't a problem. Has anyone in here who's in a relationship say how much it's cost them in one year? The trust is the problem, and, if it was him, that trust is gone.

So there's a simple solution if the trust is gone, and that is to not put him in that positon agian. So if he does come out to the house again, as he wants to next week, there will be no cash in the house. It's a managble situation.

Okay, call me an old fool (cue chorus of a.netters: "YOU OLD FOOL"), but the thing is, I do like the guy (although not on an emotional level), and I've enjoyed all the time we've spent together over the last year, not just in bed. And he must too, as, like I said earlier, he's always the one to initiate contact.

[Edited 2007-04-25 14:52:17]
 
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 10:11 pm

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 39):
I do like the guy (although not on an emotional level)

So then why all the histrionics? Tell the police and never see him again.
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 10:17 pm

Quoting 777236ER (Reply 40):
So then why all the histrionics?

The straight people still don't get it.

I'm heading out for smurfs. Laters.  Smile
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 10:18 pm

Quoting 777236ER (Reply 40):
Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 39):
I do like the guy (although not on an emotional level)

So then why all the histrionics? Tell the police and never see him again

He's too nice for that, and I'm a big softie at heart  

[Edited 2007-04-25 15:19:28]
 
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 10:24 pm

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 32):
The straight people are so not getting this

I guess thats right.Im confused.  Smile

Since you know He took the cash.....End of Story.

regds
MEL
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777236ER
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 10:24 pm

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 41):

The straight people still don't get it.

What is there to get? If this is about a 50 year old enjoying having sex with a 20 year old then I don't see how that depends on what sexuality you are.

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 42):
He's too nice for that,

So you do have an emitional connection to him. Face it, if you didn't you'd realise he was using you to fulfil his gay fantasies, whilst robbing from you. He's not a nice guy.
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 11:07 pm

Quoting 777236ER (Reply 44):
What is there to get? If this is about a 50 year old enjoying having sex with a 20 year old then I don't see how that depends on what sexuality you are.

Glad someone finally asked. Guess what, it doesn't always break down to just the sex. Doesn't matter what ages they are, they can still be friends as well. So they are having sex, but big deal. It doesn't automatically make the guy into some sort of con artist. A number of years ago I had a relationship, if you can call it that, with a guy who was about 10 years younger than I was, and he came by once a week while whichever of his girlfriends he had at the time was out, and we'd spend the entire afternoon having sex. Outside of that, we didn't chum around with each other, and he wasn't fooling anyone about what he was doing.

At this point though, let me ask a straightforward question. Would you jeopardize a friendship you had with someone you weren't having sex with over a couple hundred euro that *may* be the work of someone else (since we've found out about the lodger now, too).

What hets usually don't understand is that gay men have a broad range of friends--younger, older, gay, straight, male, and female, with all sorts of different components to those friendships/relationships that you don't get with the white picket fence, wife, 2.5 kids and a station wagon.

I'm 49. Two of my best friends are 25 and 32. If someone told either of them to go play with someone their own age, they'd both tell you in very inelegant terms where to stick it.

There's a lot more going on in this than meets the eye. Let Braybuddy confront this guy with what's happened in person. See how he reacts. Question the lodger. Then, and only then, is the time to really make a decision. And you know, even if it was this kid, as I said before, maybe it was a one-time fluke of poor judgment. Should he pay a price for that? Certainly. What price, I don't know, cos I'm not them and I'm not there.
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777236ER
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 11:21 pm

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 45):
Doesn't matter what ages they are, they can still be friends as well. So they are having sex, but big deal. It doesn't automatically make the guy into some sort of con artist.

I never said that. But Braybuddy is convinced he has no emotional connection to this guy, despite not immediately asking where he €200 was.

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 45):
What hets usually don't understand is that gay men have a broad range of friends--younger, older, gay, straight, male, and female, with all sorts of different components to those friendships/relationships that you don't get with the white picket fence, wife, 2.5 kids and a station wagon.

I don't see how you can say that. I'm a straight man, I have younger friends, older friends, gay friends, straight friends, make friends and female friends. How am I any different to Braybuddy?

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 45):
I'm 49. Two of my best friends are 25 and 32. If someone told either of them to go play with someone their own age, they'd both tell you in very inelegant terms where to stick i

I'm not telling Braybuddy who he should sleep with at all. But I'm just wondering what he's getting out of the relationship. I think he cares more about the guy than he realises.
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AeroWesty
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 11:31 pm

Quoting 777236ER (Reply 46):
I never said that.



Quoting 777236ER (Reply 46):
I'm not telling Braybuddy who he should sleep with at all

Let's write this one off to poor post geography. I was answering several posts all at once, and I was too tired to go through each and every post to pick out every quote, but picked yours because it asked "what is there to get?", and I was going over what was missing from other perspectives, not just yours in particular.

Quoting 777236ER (Reply 46):
I don't see how you can say that. I'm a straight man, I have younger friends, older friends, gay friends, straight friends, make friends and female friends. How am I any different to Braybuddy?

How many of them have you gone to bed with lately and had sex?
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777236ER
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 11:38 pm

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 47):
How many of them have you gone to bed with lately and had sex?

When I was younger I slept around enough to get in nearly every single relationship situation you could be in. Yes, I appreciate that people have different relationships, but I don't think it's that complicated. In Braybuddy's case if it was just about sex he would have told him to fuck off and that would have been that. If it's more than just sex, then he has emotional feelings for the guy.
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flyingbabydoc
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RE: When A Buddy Turns Into A Thief

Wed Apr 25, 2007 11:48 pm

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 39):
I think I passed the point of looking for respect a long time ago! Just give me the sex and I'm happy.

I sincerely hope you were joking when you wrote that. It is a very sad thing to say. And, regardless of which one is culpable, that is the one thing they do not have for you, i.e. respect.

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 39):
So he'll sound me out on things like his relationship, his sexuality and his career. And he's great company: we've got on extremely well from the very start.

From what you are saying, there are in my opinion two options: 1. he is a thoroughly confused person, who is living partially in two different worlds without being able to quite make up his mind as to which one he wants to be, and has seen you as a guide, a mentor into one of these worlds; in this scenario, he would be unlikely (IMHO) to risk this important relationship because of a few Euros. 2. He has you in a position of trust and co-dependence, mostly on your side, and the little robbery of 200€ was a test-run for more serious offenses. In either case, I still think you ought to be careful.

Quoting Braybuddy (Reply 39):
So there's a simple solution if the trust is gone, and that is to not put him in that position again. So if he does come out to the house again, as he wants to next week, there will be no cash in the house. It's a managble situation.

This is a short-term solution, and quite offensive if he was not the perpetrator of the offense. And the stain in the relationship will be enduring.

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 45):
What hets usually don't understand is that gay men have a broad range of friends--younger, older, gay, straight, male, and female, with all sorts of different components to those friendships/relationships that you don't get with the white picket fence, wife, 2.5 kids and a station wagon.

See above in my post. To me, the base of any relationship is respect. That is valid for the white picket fence guy as well as for the flamboyant drag-queen or the old lady with a cat. Regardless of whom you want to have a relationship with, and regardless of the depth of this relationship (pun intended), I don't see any possibility of success if the respect is missing. And, although the amount of money lost is not huge, that is exactly what this robbery has done to the relationship.

Alex
Marriage is the art of turning a lover into a relative

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