ferengi80
Posts: 484
Joined: Fri Mar 09, 2007 2:23 am

Legal Funnies!

Tue May 22, 2007 5:13 pm

This was sent to me via e-mail. I thought it was very funny, so thought I'd share it with you all! Enjoy!

Legal Eagles
You may have read this before like I have but it is still so
hilarious
it's worth reading again. I'll have to buy this book one day.
(*_*)
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts,"
and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment
of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
> >
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
AF1981 LHR-CDG A380-800 10 July 2010 / AF1980 CDG-LHR A380-800 11 July 2010
 
ACDC8
Posts: 7182
Joined: Thu Mar 10, 2005 6:56 pm

RE: Legal Funnies!

Tue May 22, 2007 5:47 pm

Quoting Ferengi80 (Thread starter):
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



Quoting Ferengi80 (Thread starter):
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?



Quoting Ferengi80 (Thread starter):
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!



Quoting Ferengi80 (Thread starter):

Priceless ...  rotfl 
A Grumpy German Is A Sauerkraut
 
QFA380
Posts: 2013
Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2005 4:38 pm

RE: Legal Funnies!

Tue May 22, 2007 6:18 pm

Very funny stuff in there!

It honestly amazes me that these people go to law school for 3-5 years.
 
bagpiper
Posts: 1050
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2006 11:24 pm

RE: Legal Funnies!

Tue May 22, 2007 10:49 pm

Quoting Ferengi80 (Thread starter):
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

The whole room turned and glared at me... LOL that was priceless!!!!!!!!



I'm still laughing....
 
don81603
Posts: 1105
Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:07 am

RE: Legal Funnies!

Wed May 23, 2007 1:22 am

In Kansas, if 2 trains met on a single track, both must stop, and not moved until the other one has passed.

Now what is the DUH factor there?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
Birdwatching
Posts: 3574
Joined: Sat Sep 06, 2003 10:48 am

RE: Legal Funnies!

Wed May 23, 2007 6:34 am

I normally love all kinds of jokes and I laugh a lot, but in my opinion those jokes are really lame. They are all based on the same concept, and it's repetitive after the first one. But you'll always find somebody who laughs about any crap, that's what most so-called "comedy" is based upon nowadays.

Soren  santahat 
All the things you probably hate about travelling are warm reminders that I'm home
 
trav110
Posts: 536
Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2005 2:49 pm

RE: Legal Funnies!

Wed May 23, 2007 7:15 am

Quoting Birdwatching (Reply 5):
those jokes are really lame

I agree... One or two made me smile, but they're all based on how "stupid" lawyers are percieved to be. Dumb.
 
bagpiper
Posts: 1050
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2006 11:24 pm

RE: Legal Funnies!

Wed May 23, 2007 11:06 am

I guess I have a noobish sense of humor. Oh well!
 
futurecaptain
Posts: 1918
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2006 1:54 am

RE: Legal Funnies!

Wed May 23, 2007 11:50 am

Sad thing is I know some people who have the potential to ask these sort of things. These arn't just jokes, I know people who could turn this into reality. What a sad world we live in.
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