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KaiGywer
Crew
Topic Author
Posts: 11182
Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2003 9:59 am

Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:46 pm

Found these on another forum, they're pretty funny although some thinskinned individuals might find them offensive. Remember, don't be hatin'  Silly

-What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
-Juan on Juan

-What is a Yankee?
-The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

-What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
-The position of the dirt bag

-Why is divorce so expensive?
-Because it's worth it.

-What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
-Doughnuts

-Why is air a lot like sex?
-Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

-What do attorneys use for birth control?
-Their personalities.

-What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
-10 years and 45 lbs

-What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
-45 minutes

-What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
-Through his chest with a sharp knife.

-Why do men want to marry virgins?
-They can't stand criticism.

-Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
-Because those men already have boyfriends.

-What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
-After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

-Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
-The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

-Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
-Because they have cotton balls.

-What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
-A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

-What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
-"Are you sure it's mine?"

-Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
-Mace will do that to you.

-Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
-Everyone has the same DNA.

-Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
-Breasts don't have eyes.

-Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
-Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

-Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
-A different bar.

-Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
-They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

-What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
-A speech impediment

-What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
-A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

-How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
-Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

-What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
-A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

-Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
-No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
“Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, an
 
airfoilsguy
Posts: 3485
Joined: Sun Oct 09, 2005 7:28 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:51 pm

Why did Frosty The Snow Man pull down his pants?
He saw the snow blower coming.
It's not a near miss it's a near hit!!
 
dtwclipper
Posts: 6668
Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2003 3:17 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:52 pm

What's the difference between a Rolls Royce and a Northwest Flight Attendent?


Not everyone has been inside a Rolls Royce!
Compare New York Air, the Airline that works for your Business
 
pilotdude09
Posts: 1335
Joined: Mon May 02, 2005 12:35 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Aug 17, 2007 9:43 pm

Quoting Dtwclipper (Reply 2):
What's the difference between a Rolls Royce and a Northwest Flight Attendent?

 rotfl 

Same for some QF ones!!

Great jokes guys keep em coming
Qantas, Still calling Australia Home.........
 
GAIsweetGAI
Posts: 887
Joined: Wed Jul 19, 2006 5:19 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Aug 17, 2007 10:30 pm

From a French point of view:


What separates man from animal?
the Mediterranean Sea.

What's the capital of Algeria?
Marseille.

 duck 
"There is an art, or rather a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
 
eatmybologna
Posts: 375
Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 3:21 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Aug 17, 2007 10:31 pm

I know it's clean but anyway,


Why was the number ten scared of the number seven?

Seven, eight, nine.
Isn't knowledge more than just the acquisition of information? Shouldn't the acquired information be correct?
 
eatmybologna
Posts: 375
Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 3:21 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Aug 17, 2007 10:32 pm

How does a Polack take a shower?

Piss in the wind.
Isn't knowledge more than just the acquisition of information? Shouldn't the acquired information be correct?
 
Doona
Posts: 3382
Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 9:43 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Aug 17, 2007 10:33 pm

Quoting KaiGywer (Thread starter):

-Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
-No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Sorry to piss on your parade, but there actually is a Disneyland in Japan. The other ones were good, though.  wink 

Cheers
Mats
Sure, we're concerned for our lives. Just not as concerned as saving 9 bucks on a roundtrip to Ft. Myers.
 
Doona
Posts: 3382
Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 9:43 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Aug 17, 2007 10:46 pm

Just thought of a couple of good ones. Can't remember where I heard it, but here it goes.

A priest taking confessionals needs to take a bathroom break, and asks the janitor, Bob, to sit in for a minute. Bob does as the priest asks, and sits down in the confessional booth. Soon, a man comes in. He tells Bob that he has cheated on his wife, and got a blow job from a co-worker on the previous day. He then asks what his penance should be. Bob doesn't know, and sticks his head out of the booth to look for someone to ask. Next to the booth an altar boy is sitting and reading the bible. Bob motions to the boy, to come over.
"Hey, kid, what do you get for a blow job?
The boy replies: "Ice cream and a movie."

I believe I heard this one on this very forum: How come Scotsmen wear kilts?
Because the sheep wake up at the sound of a zipper.

Cheers
Mats
Sure, we're concerned for our lives. Just not as concerned as saving 9 bucks on a roundtrip to Ft. Myers.
 
JRadier
Posts: 3943
Joined: Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:36 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Aug 17, 2007 11:01 pm

How do you recognize a jew driving?
- they drive 40-45
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and ther
 
FlyDeltaJets87
Posts: 4479
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:51 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Aug 17, 2007 11:13 pm

What do you call 5,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start

What do you call a sedan that goes over a cliff and kills 4 lawyers?
A tragedy. It seats five.

What do you call 5 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do Marines feel when they shoot someone?
Recoil

Why were there only 4,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo?
They only brought four truckloads.

Why do birds fly upside-down in Alabama?
Nothing worth crapping on

Did you hear about the fire at the governor's mansion in Alabama?
They managed to save the wheels

Did you hear about the dilemna involving the governor's mansion in Alabama when the hurricane came?
They couldn't decide whether to tie it down or move it north

What's the best thing to come out of Alabama?
I-10 and I-20

What do a divorce in Alabama and a torando in Kansas have in common?
Someone's about to lose a trailer

What do you call 32 West Virginians on a roof?
A full set of teeth

Did you hear they raised the drinking age in West Virginia to 25?
Seems they want to keep alcohol out of the schools.

Why is there no longer a firework show at Euro-Disney in Paris?
French Army kept surrendering during the show.

Where's the best place to hide a Frenchman's money?
Under his soap

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?
Because she was a woman

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad?
Rearrange the furniture

When she was really bad?
Stick a plunger in the toilet

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she swore?
Broker her fingers

How do you end a game of Iraqi Bingo?
Call out a "B-52"

How do you play Iraqi chess?
B-52's, F-16's, and A-10's



More to come later.  biggrin 
"Let's Roll"- Todd Beamer, United Airlines Flight 93, Sept. 11, 2001
 
CaptOveur
Posts: 6064
Joined: Thu May 06, 2004 3:13 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Fri Aug 17, 2007 11:54 pm

Quoting FlyDeltaJets87 (Reply 10):
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?
Because she was a woman

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad?
Rearrange the furniture

When she was really bad?
Stick a plunger in the toilet

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she swore?
Broker her fingers

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was UUHHHGGGHAHHAHGHH
Things were better when it was two guys in a dorm room.
 
stlgph
Posts: 8986
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 4:19 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 12:38 am

What's the difference between me and a Rolls Royce?

Not everyone has been in a Rolls Royce.

*****

How do you know when I'm excited?

I uncross my legs

****

What do you get when you cross me with an octopus?

I've no idea either, but it sure grabs ass a lot

***

What's the first thing I do after I have an orgasm?

Tell your mom I gotta hang up

**

What will I get on my wedding night that's long and hard?

A new last name.
if assumptions could fly, airliners.net would be the world's busiest airport
 
MCOflyer
Posts: 7071
Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:51 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 12:55 am

Quoting KaiGywer (Thread starter):

-Why is divorce so expensive?
-Because it's worth it.

Don't let Katie see that.

Whats the difference between a man a woman?
Ones a dick and the other isnt.

Why did the cop not issue tickets?
He was high on coffee and doughnuts.

Whats the difference between a Freightliner and a Kenworth?
One shakes freight and the other eats cheese burgers.

Hunter
Never be afraid to stand up for who you are.
 
seb146
Posts: 13916
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 1999 7:19 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 1:07 am

Quoting KaiGywer (Thread starter):
-What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
-Juan on Juan

A woman had twins but she decided to give up both for adoption. One boy went to Egypt and the other to Spain. One day, years later, she got a letter from her son in Spain. He said his name is Juan and he had done extensive research and found her and his brother Amahl. Letters flew between the two and she went to Spain to visit her son. When she returned home, her friends asked her if she was going to Egypt to visit her other son. She said no because:

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl!
Patriotic and Proud Liberal
 
IFEMaster
Posts: 4164
Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2006 5:17 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 1:34 am

What do you throw a drowning bass guitar player?
~ His amp.
Delivering Anecdotes of Dubious Relevance Since 1978
 
KFLLCFII
Posts: 3177
Joined: Sat Sep 11, 2004 7:08 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 1:39 am

Quoting MCOflyer (Reply 13):

Whats the difference between a man a woman?
Ones a dick and the other isnt.

Why did the cop not issue tickets?
He was high on coffee and doughnuts.

Whats the difference between a Freightliner and a Kenworth?
One shakes freight and the other eats cheese burgers.

Hunter

I want my 10 seconds back...

 Yeah sure
"About the only way to look at it, just a pity you are not POTUS KFLLCFII, seems as if we would all be better off."
 
Doona
Posts: 3382
Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 9:43 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 1:54 am

Quoting Stlgph (Reply 12):
Tell your mom I gotta hang up

Shouldn't that be "dad"?

Cheers
Mats
Sure, we're concerned for our lives. Just not as concerned as saving 9 bucks on a roundtrip to Ft. Myers.
 
YYZflyer
Posts: 3516
Joined: Sun Feb 19, 2006 9:54 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 1:56 am

Quoting KaiGywer (Thread starter):
-Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
-They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

 rotf 

What do you say to your wife that has 2 black eyes?


nothing, you've already told her twice.

A better joke:






Womens' rights


 duck 
Avoid hangovers, stay drunk.
 
FlyDeltaJets87
Posts: 4479
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:51 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 1:57 am

What's the difference between a lumberjack and an A320?
About 10,000 trees a minute.


BOEING: The sound a plane makes when it hits the ground
^My friend wrote that one in my year book senior year

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can neogotiate with a terrorist

What's the difference between an intelligent Democrat and Big Foot?
There are people who claim to have seen Big Foot

Why are the streets to Paris lined with trees?
So the Germans can march in the shade

Why did the blonde helicopter pilot crash?
She got cold and turned off the big fan

How do you stop a Taliban tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it

What's the real purpose of the crash position on an airliner?
To kiss your ass good-bye

Quoting CaptOveur (Reply 11):
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was UUHHHGGGHAHHAHGHH

I knew I forgot one.  biggrin 

Here's another:
How did Helen Keller's parents confuse her?
Glued doorknobs to the wall

Quoting MCOflyer (Reply 13):
Don't let Katie see that.

Whats the difference between a man a woman?
Ones a dick and the other isnt.

Why did the cop not issue tickets?
He was high on coffee and doughnuts.

Whats the difference between a Freightliner and a Kenworth?
One shakes freight and the other eats cheese burgers.

Not gonna lie.....the only somewhat funny part in that post was "Don't let Katie see that". The last one might be funnier if I knew the trucking industry like you do.

Quoting IFEMaster (Reply 15):
What do you throw a drowning bass guitar player?
~ His amp.

Reminds me of the one:
You see a lawyer and an IRS worker both drowning in a pool and you only have time to save one. Do you A) Go get a sandwich or B) Read a newspaper?
"Let's Roll"- Todd Beamer, United Airlines Flight 93, Sept. 11, 2001
 
carmenlu15
Posts: 4517
Joined: Sat Dec 25, 2004 1:24 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 2:01 am

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply *will not* ask for directions."

Quoting KaiGywer (Thread starter):
-Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
-Because those men already have boyfriends.

 checkmark  Spot on!

Quoting KaiGywer (Thread starter):
-What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
-A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

That's funny beyond belief...  laughing 
Don't expect to see me around that much (if at all) -- the contact link should still work, though.
 
HPLASOps
Posts: 1767
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2005 6:13 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 2:27 am

Well if we're going for the offensive lot, I can definitely contribute. A few of my favs:

What is the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
-You can't unload the truck of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What's funnier than a dead baby?
- A dead baby in a clown suit.

What's more fun that spinning a baby on a clothesline?
- Stopping it with a shovel.

What do you call a six point nine?
- A 69 interrupted by a period.
"Just because I know how to get off a freeway doesn't mean I know how to get back on!" - Retard Joe
 
Speedbirdie
Posts: 873
Joined: Mon May 15, 2006 5:11 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 2:30 am

What do you call a black man who flies planes????



A pilot you racist bastards! (told by a black pilot before you all kill me)  Big grin
Never give up..
 
Doona
Posts: 3382
Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 9:43 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 2:49 am

Quoting FlyDeltaJets87 (Reply 19):
How do you stop a Taliban tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it

I've heard that one in Sweden, but with a Norwegian tank instead of a Taliban one.  duck 

Cheers
Mats
Sure, we're concerned for our lives. Just not as concerned as saving 9 bucks on a roundtrip to Ft. Myers.
 
aloges
Posts: 14842
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2006 3:38 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 2:55 am

"We don't really have bagels in Germany..."
"Well, whose fault is that?!"
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
 
YYZflyer
Posts: 3516
Joined: Sun Feb 19, 2006 9:54 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 3:00 am

What do black people have white palms?



Because there's a little bit of good in everyone.


What's the difference between jumping on a trampoline and jumping on a pile of babies?


You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.


How do you sink a French ship?


Put it in the water.


Four gay guys walk into a bar and there's only one stool left, what do they do?


Turn it upside down.      

How do you circumcize a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin.

[Edited 2007-08-17 20:01:19]
Avoid hangovers, stay drunk.
 
texan
Posts: 4059
Joined: Tue Dec 23, 2003 2:23 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 3:02 am

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar ninety-nine. Deer nuts are under a buck.

In 1998, Sadaam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet had a summit on their common problem. They both had kurds in their weigh.

What did the doe say when she walked out of the woods? I'll never do that for two bucks again.

"All the king's horses
And all the king's men
Couldn't put humpty
Together again.
It's the wall that's to blame,
The lawyers alleged.
They claim Humpty's the victim
For cracking his head.
So the Dumpty's brought suit,
No one was out of their range.
Someone would pay for their loss
No matter how strange.
None were spared from the court,
No connection was too small,
The whole town sharing the blame
For the irresponsible fall.
The landowner, the mayor,
Even the mason who built it
Had to get their own lawyers
To fight this nit-writ.
After years of court battles,
As anyone could forsee,
There would be only losers,
Excluding attorneys and their fee."

- Wiley from Non Sequitur

So a Polish guy went to Hollywood and was getting a tour of the studio where Star Trek is filmed. The guide said, "Are there any questions?" The Polish guy says, "Yeah, how come there aren't any Poles on Star Trek?" The guide responded, "Because they don't work in the future either."

Texan
"I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library."
 
futurecaptain
Posts: 1918
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2006 1:54 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 3:21 am

Quoting FlyDeltaJets87 (Reply 19):
Why are the streets to Paris lined with trees?
So the Germans can march in the shade

LOL

AirSO. ASpaceO. ASOnline. ASO.com ASO. ASO. ASO. ASO. ASO.
 
corocks
Posts: 1123
Joined: Thu Feb 01, 2001 8:57 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 3:41 am

What's the difference between a moped and a fat chick?
-They are both fun to ride until a friend sees you.


What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
-A toilet doesn't follow you around for weeks after you use it.
 
lijnden
Posts: 528
Joined: Wed Apr 02, 2003 1:34 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 3:42 am

My share of offending jokes from my lists that I have collected.

It is brown and in a diaper of a baby?
- The hand of Michael Jackson.

What does Wal-Mart and Michael Jackson have in common?
- Boy's underwear half off.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
- A battery has a positive side.

What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a woman howling on the front porch?
- The dog shuts up when you let it in.

Why do they call it PMS?
- Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
- When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

How do you get your dishwasher to work?
- Slap her!

Did you hear that Princess Diana was suffering from PMS?
- Pulverized Mercedes Syndrome.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?
- Princess Diana never became the queen of England.

Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
- He was too busy playing the hor-Monica.

What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
- Their last big hit was The Wall.

One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
Be kind to animals! Next trip: ORF-ORD-NRT-IAH-ORF
 
MCOflyer
Posts: 7071
Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:51 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 4:14 am

Quoting FlyDeltaJets87 (Reply 19):
The last one might be funnier if I knew the trucking industry like you do.

Freightliners (aka Freight shakers) and Kenworths (aka K Whoppers).

Hunter
Never be afraid to stand up for who you are.
 
Duff44
Posts: 1561
Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2006 11:48 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:29 am

What's the chemical name for Viagra?
Mycoxafailin


A Russian, Jamaican, American, and Mexican are stuck on the top of a tall cliff.

The Russian pulls out a bottle of vodka, takes a drink, and passes it around. When the bottle gets back to him he throws it over the cliff. The others ask "Why did you do that?!"

He replies: "Don't worry, we have lots of that in my country"

Then the Jamaican pulls out a joint, lights it, takes a puff, and passes it around. When the joint gets back to him he throws it over the cliff. The others ask "Why did you do that?!"

He replies: "Don't worry, we have lots of that in my country"

The American then grabs the Mexican and throws him off the cliff.... The others ask "Why did you do that?!"

He replies: "Don't worry, we have lots of them in my country"


Well, I sealed my ticket to hell, anyone wanna join me? Big grin
I'll rassle ya for a bowl of bacon!
 
halls120
Posts: 8724
Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 3:24 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:42 am

March 6, 1836

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.

Crockett turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?"
 duck 
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." Mark Twain, a Biography
 
EISHN
Posts: 1088
Joined: Wed Feb 21, 2007 6:31 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:45 am

Two men are sitting next to each other on a plane. They both have black eyes. One says to the other "How did you get yours?".
The other replies " A Freudian slip. The girl at the ticket desk had huge tits. I meant to ask for two tickets to Pittsburgh please. Instead it came out as two pickets to Tittsbugh please. So she decked me."
And he saysd to the first guy "So how did you get yours?"
And he replies" A bit of a similar situation, a Freudian slip. I was having breakfast with the wife this mornin', and I meant to ask her to pass the corn flakes. Instead it came out as ' You ruined my whole fucking life you thunderin awl bitch' .".
St. Flannan/ Fhlanain- She took off to find the footlights, And I took off for the sky
 
User avatar
WildcatYXU
Posts: 2607
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RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:51 am

How do you convert a dishwasher into a snowblower?


Give the bitch a shovel!
310, 319, 320, 321, 333, 343, 345, 346, 732, 735, 73G, 738, 744, 752, 762, 763, 77L, 77W, 788, AT4, AT7, BEH, CR2, CRA, CR9, DH1, DH3, DH4, E75, E90, E95, F28, F50, F100, Saab 340, YAK40
 
kbfispotter
Posts: 658
Joined: Sat May 14, 2005 5:56 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 10:18 am

Quoting Carmenlu15 (Reply 20):
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

Sounds like something my Fiancee would say...


Kris
Proud to be an A&P!!!
 
AA787823
Posts: 696
Joined: Wed Nov 08, 2006 11:27 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 10:24 am

What do women and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

After the breast and thigh all thats left is a greasy box to throw your bone in!
F.U.R.P.....Families Under Reduced Pay
 
nosedive
Posts: 2176
Joined: Sun May 23, 2004 2:18 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 11:05 am

Quoting MCOflyer (Reply 13):

Hmmm MCO, you remind me of a joke:

Q: What do you call a big shot virgin with a small peepee?

A:

Quoting MCOflyer (Reply 30):
Hunter



Quoting Aloges (Reply 24):
"We don't really have bagels in Germany..."
"Well, whose fault is that?!"

 rotfl 

Did you hear about the new VW they built in Germany that seats 100?
2 Krauts in the front. 2 in the back. 96 Jews in the ashtray.

How did Helan Keller burn her face?
She answered the iron.

How'd she burn the other side?
They called back.
 
Femme
Posts: 453
Joined: Thu Sep 21, 2006 4:55 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 11:28 am

What do you do when you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw the washing in.........

 Big grin
Women don't have hot flushes, they have Power Surges....
 
FlyDeltaJets87
Posts: 4479
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:51 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 11:39 am

Quoting Texan (Reply 26):
So a Polish guy went to Hollywood and was getting a tour of the studio where Star Trek is filmed. The guide said, "Are there any questions?" The Polish guy says, "Yeah, how come there aren't any Poles on Star Trek?" The guide responded, "Because they don't work in the future either."

The version I've heard:
An Arabian Ambassador to the U.N. has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets his American counterpart.

They shake hands and as they walk the Arab says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The American says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you I will do."

The Arab whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians and Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

The American laughs and leans over. "I know. Isn't the future great?"
"Let's Roll"- Todd Beamer, United Airlines Flight 93, Sept. 11, 2001
 
CaptOveur
Posts: 6064
Joined: Thu May 06, 2004 3:13 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 11:42 am

Why do low riders have the little chain steering wheels?

So it is possible to drive while handcuffed.
Things were better when it was two guys in a dorm room.
 
FlyDeltaJets87
Posts: 4479
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:51 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 12:00 pm

Quoting Futurecaptain (Reply 27):

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordian."- Norman Schwartzkopf



Why don't women need a driver's license?
Because there are no roads between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Why don't women need watches?
Because stoves have clocks on them

If the dog is barking at the back door and the wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Where can you find 60,100,000 French jokes?
In France

Did you hear about the new French guns for sale?
Never been fired, only dropped once.

Why is the best French fighter called the "Mirage"?
Because it's never been seen in battle.
"Let's Roll"- Todd Beamer, United Airlines Flight 93, Sept. 11, 2001
 
DC10extender
Posts: 573
Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 6:09 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 1:23 pm

What two things in the air get a girl pregnant?
Her legs.

What did one of Paris Hiltons knees say to the other?
I don't know, they've never met.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a dogfish?
Ones a scum sucking bottom feeder, the others a fish.

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
________________________________________
A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"
___________________________________________

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.

When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''

She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''
___________________________________________

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Did you ever read on your birth certificate that life is fair? Thats cause its not there.
 
austinairport
Posts: 614
Joined: Wed Feb 21, 2007 10:56 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 3:17 pm

Quoting Duff44 (Reply 31):
What's the chemical name for Viagra?
Mycoxafailin

Is it really thats HILARIOUS  laughing 
Whoever said you can do anything you set your mind to has obviously never tried to slam a revolving door!!!
 
CaptainJon
Posts: 546
Joined: Sat Dec 31, 2005 3:21 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 3:32 pm

Quoting JRadier (Reply 9):
How do you recognize a jew driving?
- they drive 40-45

Can't say I have heard that one... Though I certainly don't drive that slowly!!! Just the ortho's in those 1992 Mercury's on the NY State Thruway.
 
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AirPacific747
Posts: 9270
Joined: Mon May 19, 2008 9:52 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 3:51 pm

How do you make an Olympics in Africa?

You drive a hot dog stand through the desert....
 
Femme
Posts: 453
Joined: Thu Sep 21, 2006 4:55 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 5:04 pm

How do you know when a Chav has an orgasm ? She drops her chips (Fries)....

 Big grin
Women don't have hot flushes, they have Power Surges....
 
FlyDeltaJets87
Posts: 4479
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:51 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 8:11 pm

What's better than winning the Special Olympics?
Not being in them.
"Let's Roll"- Todd Beamer, United Airlines Flight 93, Sept. 11, 2001
 
DeltaAVL
Posts: 1525
Joined: Wed Mar 21, 2007 10:15 pm

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 9:25 pm

Quoting FlyDeltaJets87 (Reply 19):
What's the difference between a lumberjack and an A320?
About 10,000 trees a minute.

 rotfl 

Quoting Carmenlu15 (Reply 20):
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

No, because there's nothing to make fun of about men.  Wink

Quoting YYZflyer (Reply 25):
What do black people have white palms?

Because there's a little bit of good in everyone.

 rotfl 
LOL!!!! That's terrible!

Quoting AustinAirport (Reply 43):
Is it really thats HILARIOUS

 Yeah sure


I think I actually heard this one on A.net a long long time ago:

"Why do tampons have strings?"

"So you can floss after you eat."

 Smile
"We break, We bend, With hand in hand, When hope is gone, Just hang on." -Guster
 
MCOflyer
Posts: 7071
Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:51 am

RE: Jokes That'll Offend Everyone :)

Sat Aug 18, 2007 10:05 pm

Whats the difference between a truck driver and a airline captain?

One fly's by the seat of their pants while the other driv

Quoting Nosedive (Reply 37):

Q: What do you call a big shot virgin with a small peepee?

I'm no virgin.

what do you call a hot shot on A-Net?

a slacker w/o a life.

Hunter
Never be afraid to stand up for who you are.
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