MCOflyer
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Were You Adopted Thread

Sun Aug 19, 2007 1:28 pm

I was curious if anyone was adopted? Both my sister and I were while my step sisters were not. I think the birth child know their health history while we, the adopted ones, do not unless we know our birth parents.

Hunter
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SmithAir747
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Sun Aug 19, 2007 2:29 pm

Yes, I was adopted! I was born Hugh Dermott O'Connor, but was given my present name (Francis Joel Smith) by my adoptive parents.

I was born in 1975 to parents who had come from Ireland to study at Indiana University in Bloomington, IN. When they gave birth to me, they saw my severe craniofacial deformities (I have Treacher Collins syndrome) and were so distressed that they just told the staff at James Whitcomb Riley Hospital for Children in Indianapolis (where I had been transferred immediately after birth for life-threatening complications) to let me die or place me for foster care/adoption. They did not want me anymore--since they could not care for my severe medical problems. They were heading back to Ireland anyway--and Ireland did not have the advanced medical care available that I needed.

I was in the custody of the state of Indiana for my first 3 years--I was placed in foster care with an elderly black lady in inner-city Indianapolis. She had been caring for many sickly, unwanted babies in her tiny white bungalow with a postage-stamp-sized front yard fenced in chain link fencing. Riley Hospital referred me to her, as they worked in partnership with her to care for sick babies.

At around age 3, in 1978, I was finally placed with the Smiths in the Fort Wayne, IN, area for permanent foster care and eventual adoption. I came into a HUGE family of 9 or 10 children, ALL with special needs, who had all been adopted! Mom and Dad had been adopting these special children since the early 1960s, and I was number 9. I came with Treacher Collins syndrome and all its baggage (including a tracheostomy, gavage feeding tubes, you name it). The others in my family had challenges ranging from cleft lip and palate, to double amputation (from a rare bacterial meningitis), to cerebral palsy, to maternal heroin addiction, to emotional problems, you name it. Most of my siblings are now grown and moved on, with families of their own (there are now 15 grandchildren in my family!), with careers of their own. My younger sister (the double amputee) recently graduated from Purdue with a degree in child development, and plans to pursue a career in play/family therapy in a children's hospital.

My adoptive parents were Third-Order Franciscans, and wanted to name a son after St. Francis of Assisi, So that's how I got my present name--I was baptized shortly after my arrival, in the old St. Mary's Catholic Church in Fort Wayne, IN.

I have enjoyed a fulfilling, happy life in the Smith family ever since age 3 in 1978; my parents have been very dedicated Christian parents who gave their lives to adopting and caring for special needs children. My parents saw me through over 20 surgeries, as well as rejection from schools and classmates for many years, and encouraged me to keep pushing for my goals.

Dad died in 1995 at age 72, but my mother still lives on at age 83. She is still very active--and continues to this day to provide foster care for troubled children! I have been close to both my parents; Mom and I are still close today.

Now I am in San Francisco, pursuing my PhD in craniofacial embryology at UCSF. I'm quite far from home (Fort Wayne, IN) but Mom and I keep in touch. I also keep in touch with all my siblings in the Fort Wayne area.

My future autobiography, The Pancake Kid, will tell my story in much greater depth--including my adoptive family life.

SmithAir747
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made... (Psalm 139:14)
 
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alaskaqantas
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Sun Aug 19, 2007 2:45 pm

My brother was adopted at birth, my parents never got to meet the mum an our lawyer called us up and told us that he was a 10 pound 3 ounce baby boy and some other stuff... and when my mum hung up she goes "TEN POUNDS 3 OUNCES!" she didnt even remember if it was a boy or not and had to call back up... that is pretty heavy for a baby!

(For anyone confused as to why Im using pounds and ounces when it says Im from NZ, I live on and off between Alaska and NZ!)
~Cheers-
~~Kyle H.
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fxramper
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Sun Aug 19, 2007 3:46 pm

Quoting MCOflyer (Thread starter):

glad your folks did such an awesome thing and make you and sister part of the family.


 bouncy 
 
MCOflyer
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Sun Aug 19, 2007 9:27 pm

Quoting FXramper (Reply 3):


glad your folks did such an awesome thing and make you and sister part of the family.

Thanks.

I was Born in Cape Canaveral hospital on Mar 26, 1987. My mom at that time couldn't have babies so after 3 weeks, I was adopted as Hunter King Faulisi. I joined my sister who is 9yrs older than me. My birth sister remain in contact but do not talk too often. I have one brother who lives in somewhere Pennsylvania.

Hunter
Never be afraid to stand up for who you are.
 
levent
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 12:21 am

Quoting SmithAir747 (Reply 1):
Yes, I was adopted! I was born Hugh Dermott O'Connor, but was given my present name (Francis Joel Smith) by my adoptive parents

Francis, that's a very special and touching story. I wish you all the best with your autobiography; I am sure that it will open up a whole new world for people who are interested in your medical condition. I once saw a movie starring Cher as the mother of a teenager with a deformed face, I think it was called 'Mask'. Is that the same condition you have? Did you have corrective plastic surgery throughout the years? It's also great to hear that you are studying something you're very closely affiliated with.

I was adopted by my Dutch father. My mum, who is Turkish, divorced from my real (Turkish) father when I was one, so I never knew him. I regard my Dutch father as my real dad. He also has a daughter from a previous marriage who I would love to see as my sister, but I haven't had contact with her in the past twelve years or so.
I do wonder sometimes whether my real father has any other children, whether there are any half-sisters or -brothers of mine out there. But I have never spoken about him with my mother.
 
UPS707
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 12:22 am

Awesome story there SmithAir... your parents sound like truly amazing people. I wish we had their courage/strength when we were looking to adopt, but as first time parents, we weren't sure we could deal with the complexities of parenting itself, nevermind parenting special children so we shyed away from that. I really do admire people that take that on though since it's a such a minority of folks that do.

As far as adoption, I was adopted from birth since both my parents were young (under 20) and apparently weren't staying together, so they chose to put me up for adoption and continue with "fresh" lives. I'm glad they did though since I got the chance to live my life with parents who truly wanted me since they were getting a child because they wanted one, not just because they happened to get pregnant. I know I have 2 half-brothers in Michigan, but that's about all I know since my Birth-mom doesn't want to tell them about me because she's worried about what they would think of her for giving up her child.

As a twist of fate, my wife and I can't have kids and have ended up adopting 2 wonderful children and were happy to be given the chance to be parents! What is interesting is the difference in the process between now and 37 years ago. Now things are much more open and we not only got the chance to meet both sets of birthparents, but you have their identity, full family/medical history, can actually keep in touch if you/they want etc. It's a very different style, but overall I think it's good for the kids since they won't have the huge unknown area that closed adoption folks have.
 
GDB
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 12:59 am

SmithAir, a touching and very inspiring story, your parents being true Christians.

UPS707, kudos to you as well, taking the good from your story and applying it for more good.

I was adopted at 6 weeks.
I've always known, that is, I cannot remember being told for the first time.
My sister was too, 3 years before me.

Mum and Dad could not have kids after a decade of trying, no IVF back in the 60's, so adoption it was.
Mum has said she was so attached to my sister right away, so much so the routine visits by social services to new adoptive parents, frightened her terribly.
Not that there was any reason, and of course, soon the routine visits ended.

Three years later, they wanted a little brother for my sister.
What ensured I was 'chosen', was that I was at 6 weeks, small, crying constantly even for a baby of that age, (a sign of insecurity perhaps?)

I could not have asked for better parents, dad died in Sept 1997, he had waged a 17 year long fight against MS, though cancer killed him in his already weakened state.
Mum is still active and happy.

Am I curious about my biological parents, of course to a degree it's inevitable, but will I do anything about it?
No. At least not while mum is still with us, which still probably means no for good anyway.
Why try to recreate a past that never was, I don't know names, but I have scant details, a 17 year old girl 'getting into trouble', the boy not wanting to know, her already looking after an ill parent.
I hope her life improved, that she found someone better and had children, but you never know, you might end up not liking what you find.

One cause for optimism, Mum remembers how well provided I'd been, with nappies and other baby related stuff by my birth mother, in contrast to my sister, or most of the others, so I think giving me away must of have been a massive wrench for her.
That thought upsets me, even so, I could not bring myself to go and find out, if contact should be requested the other way (a recent change in the law makes this possible), I'll have to cross that bridge.

My adoptive parents WERE my real parents, they looked after me, brought me up as well as they could, they moulded me.
Family is what you make it.
I do know my 'original' name, it has no relevance to me though, (mum changed my forename, thinking that 'Lee' sounded like a girl's name!)

Then there is the whole genetic history thing, so would it have helped me if this had turned up a history of Rheumatoid Arthritis?
Not really, since this condition, caused by the immune system going a bit mental and attacking your body, can be triggered by a slight event that makes the immune system kick off, I think in late 1999, for me this was a mild ear infection.
But what I had known? Get scared at every cold, or anything more? No thanks.
I'm lucky, getting it later in life, not as a child, the drugs mostly controlling it, many of which a child could not take.

I feel strongly about adoption, I'm no Luddite, not against IVF etc, but on the NHS?
So many kids in care need a real home, I'm so lucky here, since the stories of far too many kids in care is not a happy one.
Abuse of all kinds, often put into the world at 17, many passed from foster parent to foster parent.
Stories like these, when I hear them, provoke a strong emotional reaction in me.
Because if not for my wonderful parents, that could have been me.

I don't know what % of people are adoptive in the UK, but a girl I had quite a long relationship in the mid/late 1990's was, like me, at the same age, within weeks of the same time, same year.
Another good friend was too.

One more thing, had I been conceived just a little later, another option would have appeared, at least legally.
Abortion.
Unknowable if my birth mother would have considered it, but that does not change my broadly pro choice view one bit.
 
MCOflyer
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 1:00 am

Quoting UPS707 (Reply 6):


As a twist of fate, my wife and I can't have kids and have ended up adopting 2 wonderful children and were happy to be given the chance to be parents! What is interesting is the difference in the process between now and 37 years ago. Now things are much more open and we not only got the chance to meet both sets of birthparents, but you have their identity, full family/medical history, can actually keep in touch if you/they want etc. It's a very different style, but overall I think it's good for the kids since they won't have the huge unknown area that closed adoption folks have.

Alan I'm luck i got to know my birth mother before she died at 40. I know some of my medical history but not all. Funny thing is Im like my adoptive dad in terms of personality.

Hunter
Never be afraid to stand up for who you are.
 
UPS707
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 1:26 am

Quoting GDB (Reply 7):

UPS707, kudos to you as well, taking the good from your story and applying it for more good.

Not that there ever was another option for us... Having had a previous employer who went through fertility because she wanted a sibling for her son and ended up having quads 3 months early of which she now has 1 left at age 7 due to complications and illnesses, we knew it wasn't fair to the kids to bring them into the world with those chances just because we wanted to have "our" kids. My kids are my kids regardless of how they came to me. Of course we use this theory on animals also and have never bought a dog/cat (we have 2 of each now having lost a cat 3 weeks ago to kidney failure) since there are so many strays at the pound/rescue agencies that it just doesn't make sense to go get one from a breeder while leaving another to die in the pound.

What is funny is how many times I hear "You look just like your Dad" and I'm starting to hear it with our kids too. I'm sure it's due to mannerisms and expressions that we pick up over time from our parents, but it's funny to hear all the same. I'm sure as time goes on, we'll hear it more and more since my son is part Portugese and "kermit complected" just like my wife and my daughter has the Irish fair skin and blue eyes like I do in addition to the red hair that my dad had (I also lost my dad a few years ago due to cancer).

It's interesting to see this thread here and hear people's stories... we've shared self pics, our houses and cars etc, but it's nice to see something more personal and get a feel for who else shares our situation.
 
SmithAir747
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 1:39 am

Quoting Levent (Reply 5):
I once saw a movie starring Cher as the mother of a teenager with a deformed face, I think it was called 'Mask'. Is that the same condition you have? Did you have corrective plastic surgery throughout the years?

I saw that same movie! The condition of the boy in the movie was not the same syndrome; his was referred to as "lion-face" in the movie.

I have met Cher personally 3 times. I first met her at her Indianapolis concert in 1999, on her "Believe" tour. I was invited to the concert by the staff in the craniofacial team at James Whitcomb Riley Hospital for Children in Indianapolis. At the concert, I was invited backstage to meet her. I have photos to prove it! That Christmas, she gave me a grey hooded sweatshirt, with the message "Here's A Big Hug, Love Cher". I still treasure it to this day! We met once again in Denver in 2000, at the Cher's Annual Family Retreat (hosted by Children's Craniofacial Association, Dallas, TX). The last time we met was in 2003, when she came to my hometown--Fort Wayne, IN--on her final tour. She gave me front-row tickets at her concert, and waved to me during the performance!

Cher is the honorary chairperson of Children's Craniofacial Association, and started the Cher's Annual Family Retreat. which I faithfully attend each year if I'm able. (When I got home from London after 3 years, the families at the retreat were so glad to see me, as I am a well-known regular there.)

Yes, I have had over 20 reconstructive surgeries on my face--ranging from cleft palate repair, to multiple ear reconstruction procedures, to multiple jaw surgeries (very serious ones requiring tracheostomy and wiring the mouth shut for up to 2 months), to rebuilding of my entire front face and cheekbones. I was operated on at both Riley Hospital in Indianapolis and at St. Louis Children's Hospital. My last operation was 4 years ago--to insert my BAHA implantable hearing aid (Bone Anchored Hearing Aid, Entific Medical Systems, USA).

Now that I'm here in San Francisco at UCSF, I have been referred to UCSF's craniofacial team for an evaluation, to see what more (if anything) could be done for me. My main medical concerns now are my great difficulties in eating, swallowing, and breathing (as my throat is too small and I cannot chew food well, and I still have a palate fistula).

The adventure continues...

SmithAir747
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made... (Psalm 139:14)
 
uadc8contrail
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 2:22 am

wow smithair....great story and hard to top that...i was adopted thru catholic charities...mom was 19 and dad was 21....in 96 when my son was born he had a condition called "r.s.v." a respitory type condition and i literally had no idea about my birth parents so i called c/c as the doctors did not know what he had and were now asking my wife and i about our medical history....after a long run around i was able to get ahold of a person that went over the documents...im still skeptical that i was not actualy told everything but a more condensed version...he turned out to have infant asthsma and grew out of it....
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GDB
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 2:58 am

UPS707, neither I nor my sister AFAIK, were ever told that we resembled our parents, but I think you are right, mannerisms etc can make people think that.
Just goes to show anyone who ever thinks adoptive parents are not 'real', how wrong they are.
 
57AZ
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 5:45 am

Interesting and touching stories all around. I was adopted through Holt International in 1978, being 14 months old at the time. When I was in 10th grade, my mother took me back to see Korea and one of the places that we visited was the Holt International orphanage in Seoul. The staff there were very pleasant and among other things, provided us with a full copy of my file. A friend of my mothers translated the file for us and the information it provided was very interesting. Not unlike many other Korean adoptees, the agency had no record of my birth parents, my true original name or even the date of birth. They did however, have firm records of where I was found and the origin of my official Korean name. I was found by Buddhist monks at a temple in Yang San Goon-Jang Ahn Province in the spring of 1977. All they could determine about my age was that I was approximately 6 months old at the time.
"When a man runs on railroads over half of his lifetime he is fit for nothing else-and at times he don't know that."
 
Go3Team
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:14 am

Quoting 57AZ (Reply 13):
All they could determine about my age was that I was approximately 6 months old at the time.

Curious as to how you've got around that with the need for IDs these days. Is there a day you've set aside as your birthday?
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torquewrench
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 9:59 am

Greetings.... I, too am an adoptee. I was born in 1962, and adopted in 1965. Some years back I set out to locate my birth parents. I was fortunate to locate my B-mom, B-father, 4 full siblings and 2 half sibs. I have a wonderful relationship with them, have met all but one who chose not to meet. All us kids were seperated by adoption and grew up in different homes. My sister that I found is very special to me. We are siamese twins. We are joined at the heart!! I may post more later on this subject if some of you are interested.........

M.
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the trip.
 
MCOflyer
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 10:34 am

Quoting Torquewrench (Reply 15):
We are joined at the heart!! I may post more later on this subject if some of you are interested.........

Sure. I'd love to hear it.

My b-mom and I had a good relationship. I'm still ashamed that I do not visit her grave. She died of a heart attack in 2003. I'm following in her footsteps by driving semi's. Her late b/f commented that she was glad I met her not a moment too soon. My birth sister and I are in contact every month or two.

Hunter
Never be afraid to stand up for who you are.
 
Dougloid
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 12:08 pm

My mom and her two brothers were adopted from different families. She went through some changes but through research and patience she determined who her birth parents were. They were Irish from Nova Scotia and her father had died from alcoholism a year or so after she was born, in 1921. Her maiden name was Margot Gallagher. The bonus for me is I getto claim Canada and Ireland. There are a number of Gallaghers in Nova Scotia and I have no doubt I have shirt tail relatives all over the place.


Her brothers both served honorably in the second world war in the Army Air Corps and the Army. One was a professor of sacred music and the other was a foreman for Bethlehem Steel.

It's interesting talking about it with her, and it really makes me and my sisters fortunate and blessed that no matter how shitty her life was at times we never doubted that we were loved and wanted.
If you believe in coincidence, you haven't looked close enough-Joe Leaphorn
 
MCOflyer
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 12:14 pm

Quoting Dougloid (Reply 17):

It's interesting talking about it with her, and it really makes me and my sisters fortunate and blessed that no matter how shitty her life was at times we never doubted that we were loved and wanted.

Same here with my sister. We talk about it every once in a while. But its still a blessing to adopt. I will probably do the same when I get married or if I choose not too.

Hunter
Never be afraid to stand up for who you are.
 
torquewrench
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 1:34 pm

One of the mant great things about my being an reunited adoptee is that my parents that raised me (the real parents as far as I'm concerned) were all for me diong the search. They even helped me fund it. I did my search before the internet, so it was long and painstaking. I started with only the place and date of my adoption, what I thought was my middle name at birth, and the choice of 3 different birth dates. From that little info I was able over the course of a 2 year search locate all of my birth family. It was and is a wild story to say the least considering us 5 kids were split and grew up in different homes. If I had to rate my search and reunion on a scale of 1 to 10, I would rate it 19! My b-mother and my mother both now know each other, and refer to me as "our son". What a deal. Both are truly my mothers. One carried me in her womb, the other carried me in her heart. One I call mother (the one who raised me) and my b-mother I call mom. they each know thier title with me, so it's no problem when we are all together. When my dad passed away a few years ago, both of my mothers were at the funeral. My dad and I were very close. My mothers sat on either side of me during the service. I have also celebrated Mothers day at my place of worship with both mothers there. What an honor.......
Next post will focus on my sister.

M.
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the trip.
 
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HAWK21M
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 5:20 pm

Just a query.....When would be the correct time for Adoptive parents to tell the adopted kid that he/she is adopted.
Its an important debate out here because of the reaction of the child to distance themselves for the adoptive parents if learnt at a later date.

regds
MEL
I may not win often, but I damn well never lose!!! ;)
 
torquewrench
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:50 pm

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 20):
Just a query.....When would be the correct time for Adoptive parents to tell the adopted kid that he/she is adopted.

I don't remember ever not knowing. I've always known. My parents made sure I knew from the beginning that I was chosen, picked out. It was always known to me that I was not a mistake, or unplanned pregnancy, but rather a chosen and welcome addition to our family. My parents were unable to afford (on a ministers salary in the 60's) the associated fees and court costs. To this day I don't know who paid for my adoption, only that a church member did it anonomously. After I found my b-father he told me that when he made the heart-wrenching decision to put us kids up for adoption that he chose the adoption home on the condition that we be adopted into christian homes. What a deal. I thank my God regularly for that. Amazingly tho us kids were raised in different homes with different beliefs, we all share very simular values. Another interesting thing with us. We all are right handed. We all have 3 kids each, and the youngest in each of our families is left handed. The simularities between us are many. That's another post! Another thing for a future post. When I found my b-mother she lived about 1500 miles from me. We met and formed a wonderful relationship. She now lives less than 30 minutes from me. How and why she came to Houston to live is a story I will elabo
rate on in another post.
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the trip.
 
MYT332
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 8:29 pm

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 20):
Just a query.....When would be the correct time for Adoptive parents to tell the adopted kid that he/she is adopted.
Its an important debate out here because of the reaction of the child to distance themselves for the adoptive parents if learnt at a later date.

I was told at 12 just after my "grandfather" died of cancer. I remember feeling really guilty when I was told as I couldn't get out of my head how loving, kind and of course how proud he was to have me as his only grandson. It made me feel awful for some reason. I recall also that I wasn't really told so much as asked did I know about the adoption. The exact phrase was, "You do know you were adopted in 1989 right?"...... Lovely!

When my grandmother then died of cancer four years later, despite loving her immensely, I remember feeling almost emotionless which I still hate myself for.

My brother and sister are also adopted but they're being dealt with differently to me. They have three other siblings which have been adopted by other families and it's been decided to bring them up knowing about each other but the relationship between them will be one resembling cousins. I find this annoying as I too have been dragged into this 'cousin' shit but often play second fiddle to the blood related children as I'm 17 years older. Great...
One Life, Live it.
 
levent
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Aug 20, 2007 8:32 pm

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 20):
When would be the correct time for Adoptive parents to tell the adopted kid that he/she is adopted

My mum told me that my dad wasn't my real dad when I was 12. I think it depends on the individual child. I was mature very early and she knew I would take it well. Some children might not take it well at all.

The day she told me was the one and only time she mentioned my biological father. I could see she wasn't happy with the past at all and, being happy with the way things were, I never questioned her about it.
 
UPS707
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Tue Aug 21, 2007 12:21 am

I'm with the others who can't remember not knowing. I was told ata very early age and plan to do the same with my kids. That is a huge thing to keep from a child and is one of those things that can be taken as deceitful if they feel that you were hiding it from them on purpose. We figure that if the kids know and are also very aware of their place in the family, they should take it well and not feel it is a bad thing.

As far as how parents feel about adopted kids, I really wish I remember who this quote came from, but my wife bumped into something in a magazine about a famous person who said they had "4 kids, 2 of them adopted, but I can't remember which ones!" I think that just sums it up so well.
 
MCOflyer
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Tue Aug 21, 2007 1:54 am

I remember my dad crying and telling me I was adopted when I was 13. A little young to see why he was crying but now I see it. He says hes proud of me and hopes I have a future like him but supports every decision I make.

Hunter
Never be afraid to stand up for who you are.
 
bagpiper
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Tue Aug 21, 2007 2:11 am

Man. I wish I could add SmithAir's parents to my RU list!!!!

Great story, man!
 
57AZ
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Tue Aug 21, 2007 7:13 am

Quoting Go3Team (Reply 14):
Curious as to how you've got around that with the need for IDs these days. Is there a day you've set aside as your birthday?

It's never been an issue. The agency in charge of vital statistics determined approximately when I would have been born and assigned a random date within the window-in my case December 12. Thus I have a known legal birthday but the actual date of birth is unknown. Knowing this is probably why I don't make a big deal of birthdays-dinner and a card is pretty much enough for me. The only reason the folks at work know my birthday is that they asked me when they revised the office birthday list-otherwise I wouldn't have bothered to tell.
"When a man runs on railroads over half of his lifetime he is fit for nothing else-and at times he don't know that."
 
Dougloid
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Tue Aug 21, 2007 8:39 am

With the rise in single parenthood one suspects that there are a lot of kids who won't know who dad (mostly) or mom (sometimes) really is. It's tough when there's a concerted effort to keep you from having a relationship with your children.

All I can do is pass on the wisdom of a friend of mine named Fred Thomas.

One day we were out to lunch and he said this.

"Someday, somehow, your kids will want to know the true story of who you are and why they never really knew you very well. You'll have to be ready for that day but it will come and they will seek you out. Make sure in the meantime that you are true to them because they'll never forgive you if you cut the cords willingly."

Which is absolutely correct.

Seems to me I remember a friend in the neighborhood whose father didn't want to have anything to do with him. He lived with his mom and sister in a little apartment, and his father lived down on the jersey shore, he went down there one time and his old man, who could have done a lot for him and his sister, big house and all, gave him a fuckin' shirt. Imagine that.

I think it screwed his head up mightily.
If you believe in coincidence, you haven't looked close enough-Joe Leaphorn
 
comorin
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Tue Aug 21, 2007 11:18 am

What an amazing thread. Hats off to all of you and your wonderful parents! Adoption is a two-way street: think also of the joy you brought into their lives.
 
torquewrench
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Tue Aug 21, 2007 1:47 pm

[quote=Comorin,reply=29]Adoption is a two-way street[/quote

I couldn't agree more. On the same topic, I would be interested in 3 other discussions in this thread.

1) The stories of reunion between adoptees and birth family. How did it go? Would you do again if you had it to do all over? What sorts of reactions and emotions were present? Do you continue to have a meaningful relationship with those you have found?

2) Input from birth parents, both those reunited, and those not reunited. Would you search if you could? Whats your feelings about open records act? How about open adoptions? What emotions come into the picture when first contact is made? What about first face to face contact?

3) I would also welcome the input of adoptive parents. How do you feel about searching? Could you, or do you have a relationship with the b-parents? What about B-siblings? Do you, or would you feel threatened by your adoptive childs decision to search?

Obviously this is a subject near and dear to my heart. Any and all input or opinions is welcome and appreciated.

M.
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the trip.
 
SmithAir747
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Tue Aug 21, 2007 2:28 pm

Quoting Torquewrench (Reply 30):
1) The stories of reunion between adoptees and birth family. How did it go? Would you do again if you had it to do all over? What sorts of reactions and emotions were present? Do you continue to have a meaningful relationship with those you have found?

I know very little of my Irish biological parents, other than their surname (O'Connor) and the fact that they were graduate students who came from Ireland to study at Indiana University, Bloomington, IN, where I happened to be born. They gave me up for adoption (if I survived, which nobody expected me to) immediately after my birth. I also know that I was their firstborn; I do not know if they subsequently had other children. They could not have been able to care for me back in Ireland due to my life-threatening medical complications, or get me to anyplace in Ireland that could do all the facial reconstructive surgeries I would need.

I am fortunate to have stayed behind in the USA to get all the expert medical care I needed and to have joined my "Forever Family" in Fort Wayne, IN. Who knows what my fate would have been if I had gone back to Ireland with my biological parents?

I have always wanted to trace my Irish ancestry (since I'm a first-generation Irish-American), but I have had no pressing need to track down my parents themselves; who would know where they are now anyway? There are lots of O'Connors in Ireland, anyway.

My "real" parents are the ones in Fort Wayne, IN, who adopted me as a chosen child, and raised me from then on.

SmithAir747
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made... (Psalm 139:14)
 
57AZ
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Tue Aug 21, 2007 3:02 pm

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 20):
Just a query.....When would be the correct time for Adoptive parents to tell the adopted kid that he/she is adopted.
Its an important debate out here because of the reaction of the child to distance themselves for the adoptive parents if learnt at a later date.

I would say that it should be done once the child is old enough to understand or comprehend what it means to be adopted. Obviously, this will vary from person to person. My parents have never hidden the fact that I was adopted-I learned that at a very early age, probably five or six years old.

Quoting SmithAir747 (Reply 31):
My "real" parents are the ones in Fort Wayne, IN, who adopted me as a chosen child, and raised me from then on.

That's the way I feel about my parents. As a friend once said (in general terms), "Any couple can want to have a child, but it takes a special couple to adopt a child." The fact that I am Korean didn't make any difference to my parents or grandparents-they were just happy to have a child/grandchild.
"When a man runs on railroads over half of his lifetime he is fit for nothing else-and at times he don't know that."
 
torquewrench
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Tue Aug 21, 2007 3:09 pm

Quoting 57AZ (Reply 32):
The fact that I am Korean didn't make any difference to my parents or grandparents-they were just happy to have a child/grandchild.

Sort of reminds me of a time when a mom with a child who was obviously not natural born to her (different race) was asked if the child was her "real" kid. She bent down looked at the kid in an exagerated way and responded "kid looks pretty real to me!" What a real mom that was.
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the trip.
 
UPS707
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Tue Aug 21, 2007 3:55 pm

Quoting Torquewrench (Reply 30):
3) I would also welcome the input of adoptive parents. How do you feel about searching? Could you, or do you have a relationship with the b-parents? What about B-siblings? Do you, or would you feel threatened by your adoptive childs decision to search?

As both an adoptee and an adoptive parent, I have no issues with the children searching for their birthparents. My parents were in favor of me searching and were willing to actually help me do it if I wanted to. I have found my Birth-Mom and have passed a couple of notes and pictures of my kids to her through the adoption agency, but haven't had any more contact than that.

As far as my kids, we are sending pictures and letters to one of the birthmoms (birthdad unknown) so we have a way to contact her although it's pretty one sided at this point. With my daughter, we are very much in contact with her birth familiy every few days and also receive gifts from them for her. We have also set up a website for them to log into to see pictures if they want to. We're actually debating going down to meet her birth grandmother who never got the chance to see her at birth. Who knows if we will stay this close as time goes on, but it definately won't be us cutting off ties, it would have to be them when they decide it's time to back-off.....
 
GDB
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Wed Aug 22, 2007 3:23 am

Interesting stuff, as someone said, close to the heart too.
My own view on finding biological parents, is of course, only valid for myself, my circumstances.
If I ever did, only the mother, as it seems the father did a runner.

I do wonder what became of her, I won't deny that.

If my sister ever did, I do not know, for all her adult life she's worked in the court system, so I suspect, easy for her to do, even before it became easier in more recent times.
But she has never discussed it with me, so I suspect not.
 
PureKiwi
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:36 pm

My friend was put into Child youth and family services (Cyfs) care at the start of this year and all I can say is the adoption system in New Zealand has to be one of the worst there is. Because of them I have lost my trust in ALL government workers in ALL departments. I have lost count of the times I've comforted her in tears or been told "I would probably have comitted suicide if it wasn't for you" .

First she was put into a "Temporary home" with 10 others girls for 5 months until they found a family for her. She hated the family and knew she wouldn't fit in so she asked if she could go back to the "Temporary Home" until another family was availible. Cyfs excuse was "sorry we need the space for new people" which was a lie because other girls had been there for over 15 months and there were no issues with sending them to that home.

Once she was forced to stay at the home she has been so unhappy. She wasn't recieving her pocket money or half the services she was legaly entitled to and when she consulted a free lawyer, her foster mum has also been treating my friend badly almost like a maid which the foster sister has admitted.. Cyfs retaliated and told some of the few people left in her life not to believe anything she says because she is looking for attention. By that time thanks to Cyfs and her mum she had lost most of her friends, all of her family and the support of the school, the only 2 people she had left was me and an adult who wanted to adopt her but Cyfs couldn't give a particular reason why it couldn't be done. The arguments at her foster home became to much so the person who wanted to adopt her picked her up from school and took her home. Cyfs then placed a restraining order on one of the only 2 people that care about her and all contact is forbidden.

This means that I'm the only person left to help her since shes forbidden from getting any real services. I have to contact lawyers and research things myself. I'm also looking at the laws myself and have found that many different parts of the UN convention for childrens rights has been broken, cyfs protocol has been broken and NZ law has been broken. I'm only 15 and I'm also studying for mock exams, going to school and have an undiagnosed chronic illness which makes my life really busy but I feel sorry and hate seeing her deteriorate like that.
 
LFutia
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Thu Aug 30, 2007 7:49 am

yeah.. me my bro and my sis. I'll only give you my story though.

I was adopted through FCVN in 1987. I was born 2 months premature in June ( no I'm not a Leo! although that is my name). I almost died twice in the orphanage. My mom went to India as an exchange student. She came home, got married and had a kid but miscarried so she adopted. I do not know my birthparent's names. I only know a few things about me. I was born between 11am and 11pm on June 15th. Natural birth. I was held and breastfeed. I came home on TG/NW (CCU-BKK-SEA-MSP-EWR). I have visted my orphanage twice and the place i was born in. I met my caregiver. I've also got a brother and sister from India as well. I dont have any problems with my adoption and I love my parents and consider them my 'real' parents. I do have some learning disabilities because of the premature birth ( not breathing after I was born) but I'm pretty smart and slow in somethings but i eventually get it if i care to learn about it. My sister she's slightly slow (just doesnt use her head sometimes lol) and my brother is bipolar and mentally retarded. But we're all 1 loving family. I have met my Indian relatives ( my mom's exchange student parents) and they've all accepted us into the family.

Leo
Leo/ORD -- Groetjes uit de VS! -- Heeft u laatst nog met KLM gevlogen?
 
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HAWK21M
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Thu Aug 30, 2007 2:42 pm

Quoting Lfutia (Reply 37):
I dont have any problems with my adoption and I love my parents and consider them my 'real' parents

Nice to hear that.When were you made aware that you were adopted & what was your initial reaction.
regds
MEL
I may not win often, but I damn well never lose!!! ;)
 
LFutia
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Fri Aug 31, 2007 8:05 am

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 38):
Nice to hear that.When were you made aware that you were adopted & what was your initial reaction.

when i was little kid.

Leo
Leo/ORD -- Groetjes uit de VS! -- Heeft u laatst nog met KLM gevlogen?
 
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OzarkD9S
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Fri Aug 31, 2007 11:00 am

Adopted here too. Have never had a desire to meet my "real family" as my own is bad enough. Love my Mom tho...and if anyone looked at her cross-eyed I'ld slit their throat.

To me, my real family are those friends I've chosen along life's journey.
Next up: STL-CVG-MKE-MSP-STL.
 
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HAWK21M
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Fri Aug 31, 2007 7:24 pm

Quoting Lfutia (Reply 39):
when i was little kid

What age & what was your initial reaction to the truth.
regds
MEL
I may not win often, but I damn well never lose!!! ;)
 
LFutia
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Sat Sep 01, 2007 4:37 pm

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 41):
What age & what was your initial reaction to the truth.

I think 5 or 6. cant remember my reaction. its been too long.

Leo
Leo/ORD -- Groetjes uit de VS! -- Heeft u laatst nog met KLM gevlogen?
 
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HAWK21M
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Sun Sep 02, 2007 10:21 pm

Quoting Lfutia (Reply 42):

Leo.What was your reaction.Did you sulk,get depressed.How long did it last.
Thats the biggest concern of foster parents.When & how to tell the Kid the facts.

regds
MEL
I may not win often, but I damn well never lose!!! ;)
 
paulc
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RE: Were You Adopted Thread

Mon Sep 03, 2007 5:05 pm

I was adopted in 1966 at 3 months old - the people who adopted me became mum and dad (or dum and mad  Smile) My mum was told that she could not have children so I was adopted - 3 years later she had my sister.

I have known from a very early age that I was 'chosen' and as far I am concerned they are my parents (just not in a physical sense)

My dad died a couple of weeks ago and I know that he will have the records of my birth name etc but I have no interest in finding out that info. I have wondered about my 'physical' parents but not enough to do anything about it - I take the view that I was not wanted in 1966 so why would they want me now.

I really do not know what I would do if I got a letter or phone call wanting to make contact. Hopefully I would be given a choice as to whether or not to make contact - after all it is a 2 way process.
English First, British Second, european Never!

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