pawsleykat
Posts: 1714
Joined: Sat Jul 16, 2005 7:38 pm

I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 5:47 am

... he told me this morning that he no longer wanted to talk to me.

To be perfectly honest I have been wanting this for a while but was totally shocked when he said it to me... It's been building up for a while;

Now, before I start.... This is not a thread looking for pity or sympathy, I want to share my problems with people here because with all the things that we have experienced, people are always able to give good advice...

Half way thru the summer I told him I was gay and was expecting to be thrown out of the house but that didn't happen, which really surprised me. He's always been rather homophobic and since I "came out" to him, I've been feeling some tension between us.
It also didn't help that my mum and I are going through some really bad times at the moment and whenever we have a really bad argument I get shipped off to my dad's house... and that causes arguments between us which can be really violent. And to add more to that, since my mum and dad split up in October/November last year [which I also started a thread here asking for advice]... Click here to read

... my dad now has a new family and they get treated better than I ever did. I feel like a novelty for 5 minutes then I am just the imperfect inconvenience until I go away again. And what really upsets me is that my dad's fiancee's son, who is 11, is into football, likes girls and totally adores my dad... the complete opposite from me. It feels like Jamie [the son] gets better treatment than me because I'm not my dad's ideal son... Tell me if I am being selfish here, but I don't think he should be treating us any different because we have different ways of life.
I also think that it's wrong for them to call my dad "dad".... and wrong that I have to share him with others before I ever got the chance to get him to myself... [as he was barley ever around when I was younger and I never felt comfortable talking to him because he was either nasty or derogaory when I spoke to him about things]

If you get to here, thanks for reading and any help/advice or kind words are much appreciated.  thumbsup 

JG
First Class passengers are my favourites. They can't get any further forward without an ATPL.
 
andessmf
Posts: 5689
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2006 8:53 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 5:53 am

A dad who denies his son is no dad at all.

While it may hurt you know, you may feel 'good riddance' later.

Keep your head up.

p.s. your dad may feel the effects of karma later.
 
CastleIsland
Posts: 3212
Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2006 1:40 pm

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 5:54 am

Sorry to hear about how things are turning out, Pawsleykat. It's completely reasonable for you to feel upset about this, and I'm sure it hurts to see others in your Dad's good graces when you are not. A couple of things: 1) give him some time; he'll hopefully come around after he has a chance to realize what is truly important to him; 2) always be true to yourself, and know that you control your own destiny. Nothing any other person does or says, no matter who they are, can make you any less of a person; 3) you can pick your friends, but not your relatives.

Best of luck, and hang in there.
"People don't do what they believe in, they just do what's most convenient, then they repent." - Dylan
 
AirCop
Posts: 5553
Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 2:39 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:03 am

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 1):
A dad who denies his son is no dad at all.

How true..

Quoting Pawsleykat (Thread starter):
my dad now has a new family and they get treated better than I ever did.

not entirely unusual. still doesn't make it right.

Quoting Pawsleykat (Thread starter):
It also didn't help that my mum and I are going through some really bad times at the moment and whenever we have a really bad argument

Just avoid conversations/topics where its going to lead to an argument. Your school must have list of resources available to help you cope.
Good luck..
 
jamesbuk
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:05 am

Sorry to hear about this but keep your chin up and keep going... If he's ditched you like this because of the way you are then he is nothing to be upset over. If i remember from a previous thread you got awesome grades in your exams this year right? thats something positive to focus on.. focus on that and focus on the rest of your life. Try the best to get your mum on your side and if you feel an argument coming try your best to calm the situation.

Like i said, if hes ditched you then hes nothing to be upset about.

Rgds --James--
You cant have your cake and eat it... What the hells the point in having it then!!!
 
mbmbos
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Joined: Sat May 27, 2000 4:16 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:05 am

Very sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It's a shame when one's own father is shoveling on the abuse/neglect but it's certainly not the first time something like this has happened. I know it's hard not to take it personally, but you shouldn't. If you think of it from another perspective, what adult in their right mind would shun their child? It bespeaks immaturity and troubling issues on your dad's part.

Your goal now should be to survive until you reach an age of independence. Do you have other adults in your life who look after you, who love you and are trustworthy? A grandparent, an aunt or uncle perhaps? I have read a couple of studies that found that if a neglected or abused kid had an adult in their lives who championed them they were very likely to succeed as adults. I know that while I was going through a rough patch with my parents a school teacher of mine was looking after me. I knew I could trust her, and she was a very good sounding board and guide for me. I am lucky to have had someone in my life like her.

Hang in there! You can make it.
 
mt99
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:08 am

Yikes.

First off - i would like to say that you should be proud of having the strength to come out to your dad. I am 30yo and i have not been as clear i a should be. I am sorta jealous of your strength.

Apart from that, i am sorry that you are in this situation. We gays (like every other group) come in many different flavors. Some are tall, some are short, some flaunt it, some dont, some love Pride parades, some dont, some are accepted some are not. But we all have one thing in common and it is how even though our stories are very different we can all relate to coming out.

I was at a party once and i was talking in one corner with someone about coming out and one guy stopped by - apologized for overhearing my conversation and joined. Before you know it the entire party joined in and told their story. Its just that powerful bond between us. So even though i dont know you - i am certain that just like me all the others here understand more than you think.

I guess that is why we refer to other gays as "family." Unfortunately sometimes our peers become only family.

I can only hope that your dad will come around eventually.
Step into my office, baby
 
pawsleykat
Posts: 1714
Joined: Sat Jul 16, 2005 7:38 pm

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:09 am

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 1):
A dad who denies his son is no dad at all.

Yeah, very true

Quoting CastleIsland (Reply 2):

Everything you said is true and makes sense... feels good to have someone that knows what they're talking about  Smile

Quoting Jamesbuk (Reply 4):
If i remember from a previous thread you got awesome grades in your exams this year right? thats something positive to focus on.. focus on that and focus on the rest of your life.

Yeah, and that's what I am trying to do... School went back today so I suppose that's one way to get things off my mind.  Smile

Thanks folks

JG
First Class passengers are my favourites. They can't get any further forward without an ATPL.
 
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LTU932
Posts: 13070
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:16 am

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 1):
A dad who denies his son is no dad at all.

 checkmark 

Fathers may have difficulties to cope with his son or daughter "coming out", but rejecting his kids because of this is no excuse. And the way he eventually "kicked" you out of his life is even worse. If I were you, I'd avoid any unnecessary contact with your father, and if you still have to go to his place, just go about your business, and keep your head up high. Don't let yourself get crushed by this. Keep your head up high and think about the now and the future instead of dwelling in the past.
 
ajd1992
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:21 am

I'm kinda in the same situation - except my dad just whines and bitches at me.

My brother outed me 3 weeks ago, and it's been tense, to say the least. But, to be honest a dad who doesn't want to speak to their son because he's gay doesn't deserve the role of dad anyway. It's pathetic if he's ignoring you for that. I'm not gay, but i think if i was i'd be getting the same as you. My dad's a bit iffy with the idea of bisexuality, nevermind homosexuality!

It might be hard for the moment but if he's said he doesn't want to talk to you and doesn't want to see you then i personally wouldn't try to talk to him if you're going to get treated like that.

Ever want to talk to me, my MSN is in my profile.
 
Superfly
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:22 am

Pawsleykat:
Sorry to hear about this and your father should be totally ashamed of for this. Sounds as though he can only bring negative energy and can't be a positive role model in your life.
This situation is more common than you'd imagine.
Bring back the Concorde
 
wrighbrothers
Posts: 1807
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:27 am

Hey Jordan my good friend, before I start, you know I'm on msn and such if you need a talk at anytime, cool.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, I've been lucky in that I've not had anything like your problems, so can't speak fro personal experience, other than remember, keep the higher ground. Always make sure you're the better man and that in the future, you can say 'well, I didn't reject him and he did, so I have nothing to be ashamed of, it was his decision to ignore me, not mine'. At the end of the day, you can't choose who you are, what you are and how other people will react. I guess it's easy for me to say, but remember, if someone is too immature to be able to accept their son because they aren't their 'ideal son', keep proud, remember that you've got far too much to be happy about than to worry about, you've got great friends, your whole family is not against you, you've got great grades, and have a shining prospect of being a pilot. Life is a challenge, it's not meant to be easy and when other people use their personal small mindedness to shut people off, you carry on Jordan. Weak people give up or reject people or get into deep depression, the ones who are strong shrug their shoulders, acknowledge they're the better man and carry on.
One day, he WILL come around, your dad will realise that you're his son and one day, he will accpet you for who you are. Sometimes it will seem life is just beating you up and everyone else is getting it easy, somebody somewhere is toying with you and all you want to do is escape, but remember, there's someone worse off somewhere and life can always be worse.

There's my attempt at advise, whatever you do buddy, I'm there  Smile
Wrighbrothers
Always stand up for what is right, even if it means standing alone..
 
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Braybuddy
Posts: 5852
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:30 am

It's events like these in our lives that fire us up to prove something to our parents. It's a horrible situation to be in and no parent should treat a child like this, particularly over something he has no control over.

Keep focused on yourself and your plans for the future and (hard as it may be) take no notice of anyone putting you down. If you want to "get back" at your dad, probably the best way to do so is to ultimately become more successful than him. Letting this get to you is only giving him what he wants. Don't do that.

Your friends can be of great support here, tell them (but don't go on and on about it) and they'll rally round.

And good luck!
 
TuRbUleNc3
Posts: 459
Joined: Wed May 24, 2006 8:13 pm

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:46 am

My dad left me and my mum when i was 2, he was sleeping with her best mate.
I saw him on and off, but he always tried to twist my mind into thinking my mum was the evil one. I havent talked to him for about 15 years. He then married her best mate and had another son, i guess a replacement for me. I think he regrets it in a way, but i dont care. I do miss having a dad, but my mums been both to me.

Im sure your dad will come round in time, it needs a while to set in.
Good luck mate and all the best
 
JAL
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Joined: Sun Apr 30, 2000 12:37 pm

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:46 am

I'm sorry to hear about your dad buddy.
Work Hard But Play Harder
 
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n229nw
Posts: 2023
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:47 am

Wow, that sucks. I don't have personal experience with this kind of thing, but from friends who have had similar issues, I want to say one thing:

Whatever you do, don't internalize your father's disdain for you and start to think that YOU are somehow defective or inferior. (It's hard not to let something like this ruin your self esteem, but maybe some counseling can help with that, from good friends, or, if possible, from a good professional.) You dad may or may may not come around to reason (maybe he just needs time, or maybe he is a selfish jerk)--but either way, the problem is HIS, not yours. (Of course not every moment of every arguement is your parents' fault. You're a teenager, and thus I'm sure there are things in your own behavior during arguments that one day you may look back on and regret) But if the heart of this problem is that you don't like football and girls, well then the heart of this problem is ALL HIM. Sounds like you have a tough road ahead, but you are already trying to focus on the positive things in your life. Good luck!
All Glory to the Hypnotoad!
 
kmh1956
Posts: 2854
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2005 4:08 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 7:49 am

First of all, you should be proud of yourself for being honest with your father. From what I've read about you and by you, it's his loss...not yours. You seem to be a straight-up, honest kid; you get good grades and you seem to have your head screwed on right.

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 1):
A dad who denies his son is no dad at all.

Any parent who denies their child doesn't deserve the title of parent.

Quoting AirCop (Reply 3):
Quoting Pawsleykat (Thread starter):
my dad now has a new family and they get treated better than I ever did.

not entirely unusual. still doesn't make it right.

To elaborate, my daughter's father (my ex-husband...the Asshole King) had twin boys with another woman five months after we separated...insisting that he'd NEVER been unfaithful. (Uh-huh....and 'stupid' is tattoed WHERE on me?) As soon as the boys were born, my then 5-year-old daughter's existence all but disappeared to him. He paid no child support and only wanted visitation when he needed to look like a good daddy for the sake of the Immigration Department.

I never said an ill word against er father in front of my daughter; I figured she'd sort it out for herself. At the age of 14, she decided that she'd had enough of his lies and basically told him 'don't ever call me again.' That was 8 years ago....so I played mother and father for a lot of years. She's a lovely young woman now....responsible, college graduate, great sense of humor, moral, and (may I say?) a knockout!

He finally got deported a few years ago...he won't be back here again....working at LHR as a baggage handler...spends most of his time drunk....a real charmer.
I call that karma! Serves him right.

I hope for your sake that your father comes to his senses and realizes before it's too late what a great kid he has and you can repair your relationship.

Quoting AirCop (Reply 3):
Your school must have list of resources available to help you cope.

Do you have a school counsellor? Don't be ashamed/embarrassed to go and talk to one....

Quoting MBMBOS (Reply 5):
I know that while I was going through a rough patch with my parents a school teacher of mine was looking after me.

My daughter's high school physics teacher was brilliant. My daughter and another kid (boy) in her class were treated as outcasts, but this guy took them both under his wing...gave up lunch hours, after school time...just to talk to these two kids, and more importantly...to LISTEN to them....we're still in touch with him. Bless him. He provided a 'father figure' for her at a time when she really needed one....those dreadful teen years.

Good luck...keep your head up....and remember what Laertes said in 'Hamlet': "This above all: to thine own self be true"
'Somebody tell me why I'm on my own if there's a soulmate for everyone' :Natasha Bedingfield
 
ScarletHarlot
Posts: 4251
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2003 12:15 pm

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 7:54 am

Quoting Pawsleykat (Thread starter):
Tell me if I am being selfish here, but I don't think he should be treating us any different because we have different ways of life.
I also think that it's wrong for them to call my dad "dad".... and wrong that I have to share him with others before I ever got the chance to get him to myself... [as he was barley ever around when I was younger and I never felt comfortable talking to him because he was either nasty or derogaory when I spoke to him about things]

I am really sorry to read about your difficulties with your dad. My parents and I have had our ups and downs but I never had to hear anything like that said to me. N229NW makes the excellent point above - don't let your dad's flawed perspective cause you to think less of yourself. Hold your head high and continue to be yourself. Either he will come around and be honoured to know you or if he does not, it is his loss, that he could miss out on a son so strong.

Don't feel angry toward the fiancee's kids though. They're caught in the middle of this just like you are. It's their mom's and your dad's fault if you are not made to feel welcome. Even though it might hurt you to hear them call him dad - try to be charitable toward them.

Is it wrong that you have to share your dad with them? It's certainly sad that you never were able to have a good relationship and now here are these new kids. Unfortunately life is not always fair and you have to make the best of a bad situation.

Stay in school and work hard - unfortunately you've learned that you'll have to depend on yourself to get through. But now know that you can do it. Hang in there! Rise above it and be proud to be you.
But that was when I ruled the world
 
OceansWorld
Posts: 828
Joined: Mon Mar 12, 2007 8:00 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 7:55 am

Quoting Pawsleykat (Thread starter):
... he told me this morning that he no longer wanted to talk to me.

To be perfectly honest I have been wanting this for a while but was totally shocked when he said it to me...

I'm really sorry for you, but although it's an harsh experience, at least now every thing is very clear between you two.

Quoting Pawsleykat (Thread starter):
... my dad now has a new family and they get treated better than I ever did.



Quoting Pawsleykat (Thread starter):
It feels like Jamie [the son] gets better treatment than me because I'm not my dad's ideal son...

I sort of know what you mean there. The man that I should consider as my father but can't, has never really been a father nor a husband. Nonetheless, he has always had a great preference for my older brother. As my mom has often told me, his mind was probably from some sort of old school, and thus he should have had a son first, and then a daughter, but I'm "sorry" I'm nowhere near to be a girl... For instance, when I called home and that was him who picked up the phone, he never recognized me. It always took a while for him to know who was on the other end. He never had such problems with my brother... All my friends and everyone outside our house always told me how lucky I was to have such a nice father. Because he always was such a gentleman with the others. When I explained the situation to some of my friends, they wouldn't believe me. It was simply impossible for them that my father behaved like that with me. What I tried to tell them wasn't even 5% of the whole thing!

So again, I'm really sorry for what you have to go through, but I'm not surprised at all, and it is better to have it as clear as it is rather than insidious.

Quoting Pawsleykat (Thread starter):
Tell me if I am being selfish here, but I don't think he should be treating us any different because we have different ways of life.

You're not selfish a single second. If the relation with both your parents, those for whom you should be the most important don't give you that, what else can you do but to talk about it elsewhere ? Don't keep all that inside yourself. Throw it all out! Go ahead, live your life, be bold and make yourself respected, and protected if necessary.

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 1):
A dad who denies his son is no dad at all.

This is so true.

[Edited 2007-08-22 01:01:43]
 
Superfly
Posts: 37735
Joined: Thu May 11, 2000 8:01 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 7:59 am

Quoting Kmh1956 (Reply 16):
working at LHR as a baggage handler...spends most of his time drunk....a real charmer.

Careful. He could very well be a member here at Airliners.net. Big grin


I can't understand how a parent can deny the existence of there own offspring. No matter how bad a divorce turns out, the children should not bare the anger and resentment of either parent. I just simply don't get it.
Bring back the Concorde
 
Doona
Posts: 3382
Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 9:43 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 8:00 am

Sorry to hear this, Jordan. A friend of mine went through the same thing with his dad a couple of months ago, but then:

Quoting CastleIsland (Reply 2):
1) give him some time; he'll hopefully come around after he has a chance to realize what is truly important to him

Me, I've been lucky enough to have such open minded parents. I came out to my mother about a year ago, and she was embarrasingly enthusiastic. When I told my dad last Christmas (t'is the season for it, you know) he said that he was happy and proud that I had managed to figure out such an important part of my identity. I did expect that sort of reaction from both of them, but it was difficult all the same.

I can't tell you how brave you are to come out, knowing that reactions might be less than ideal.

I've only had one bad coming out experience, and that was with the first person I told (which, needless to say, didn't help with the rest...). This guy was my best friend, and I had the biggest crush on him the year before. We were really close and did everything together. We were the same age, in the same class at university, and lived just a stone's throw from each other. So when I decided that I didn't want to hide who I was anymore, he seemed to be the person I should tell first. So I did. He was shocked. Literally flabbergasted, and then muttered: "So I guess that's why you have such gay taste in music," and the said something about having to be somewhere, and left. Didn't hear from him in three days, and when I finally got ahold of him, he said that things "didn't feel right", and then he asked if we could go on as if I'd never told him. I got pissed as hell and yelled at him, told him that if he couldn't deal with this, I didn't want to be around him. I was still the same person, and I didn't want to feel the need to hide certain parts of my life from him, and if I had to do that, why bother being friends at all? Didn't speak to him for 6 months after that, he moved to the other side of town, and each time we run into each other or talk on msn nowadays, it's all very tense and uncomfortable.

It's silly as hell, and I wish that I would have taken the high road back then, even though he hurt me, not the other way around. And he's really gotten the shitty end of the lollipop, since all our common friends (and his only friends in town) have taken "my side" and think he's a total idiot. I just feel that it's been such a long time since it happened, I don't want to be the one crawling back. I'm doing fine without him, and happier than I have been for a long time.

Anywho, things will get easier. I really hope your dad will come around. Hopefully, he'll remember that you are his son, and that he loves you. If not, well, it's his loss.

Cheers
Mats
Sure, we're concerned for our lives. Just not as concerned as saving 9 bucks on a roundtrip to Ft. Myers.
 
Halcyon
Posts: 1622
Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2006 4:47 pm

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 8:11 am

I'm sorry to hear that.  Sad Some people, however, just aren't worth beans. My dad has long considered me to be rather worthless, and talks about me only because of my successes. While I still have contact with him, you eventually learn that you're not a "piece of s**t cur dog" or a "mama's boy" (Which I've been called all too often.) when you disagree. I guess that you should just be happy that he leaves you alone. It's worse when such a bad father hounds you to intentionally make you miserable.

Maybe we could form some sort of club? Son's of bad fathers? SOBD? Nah, sounds too whiney. Have fun, be strong, and don't let him get to you if he ever tries. Take the high and respectful road and you'll come out best in your heart, which will matter most.
 
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LTU932
Posts: 13070
Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 12:34 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 8:14 am

Quoting Superfly (Reply 19):
No matter how bad a divorce turns out, the children should not bare the anger and resentment of either parent.

Yet they still do, especially when it comes to custody hearings, which are usually a disaster waiting to happen, except in the few cases where both parties made an agreement on custody/visitations. I still agree with you, it shouldn't happen at all, because this can hurt the child/adolescent in ways that may be worse than any kind of physical pain.

My father had a very messy divorce from his first wife, and while he always talked about the time he spent with my oldest brother Claudio, he never had the chance to really see him after the divorce. He didn't even get custody of him, but the important thing is that even though he never visited him and can't visit him today because of the distance between SJO and CGN (where he lives), he never forgot about him. He visited us back in HAM 10 years ago, and nowadays, both communicate on occasion through e-mail and the rare phone call. The only time he called, it was to tell us that he had a son, which means I'm an uncle, in fact I have two nephews now. Big grin
 
saxdiva
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 8:29 am

Hi, Jordan... I'm really sorry you're going through all this.

1. This is your dad's failure... not yours. It sounds like you've got your act together way better than he does.
2. Is is -not- wrong to feel like his treatment is rotten and unfair. It is. That's a reality you're stuck with, but that doesn't make it fair.
3. If your mom is also on-again, off-again, you may want to get in touch with a counselor if you haven't already. That's a LOT of crap to deal with, and it helps to have someone sane to help you navigate these waters.
4. Do -not- internalize this *$&%!. There is nothing wrong with you.

Do you have a grandparent or some other relative who's crazy about you? If you do, I'd consider spending as much time as possible with that person... maybe even see if they'll let you stay with them for a while. Being a teenager is hard enough without all that extra baggage.

Hang tough,
Leanne
 
ScarletHarlot
Posts: 4251
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2003 12:15 pm

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 8:31 am

You know, it amazes me, the shit that so-called adults put kids through, mentally and physically. Maybe I'm a Pollyanna but aren't parents supposed to love, protect, and support their kids? Not berate, sneer at, disown, or hurt. Not use as a pawn in an ugly divorce. That just makes me so angry, that grown ups would put kids through such crap - kids who depend on them for survival and nurturing. Kids have no choice in the matter. It's not like they can leave.
But that was when I ruled the world
 
Klaus
Posts: 20578
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 8:33 am

That sounds pretty frustrating, but one thing that's to be learned while growing up is that parents are just humans after all, and unfortunately some of them screw up pretty badly. Your father appears to have quite a bunch of issues himself, but that is no excuse for the way he's treating you.

I'm sure it's painful nevertheless - parents more or less have a fixed place in everybody's life, whether they deserve that place in yours or not.

Whatever your relationship may be or may become in future, never doubt this: Your worth is not determined by other people but by yourself. Other people merely tell you about themselves when they try to destroy your confidence.

There's an inherent value in every living person, and nobody can take that away.

And that's true for you as well, Halcyon!
 
kmh1956
Posts: 2854
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2005 4:08 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 8:35 am

Quoting Superfly (Reply 19):
Careful. He could very well be a member here at Airliners.net.

Nah...it would take away too much of his boozing time.
'Somebody tell me why I'm on my own if there's a soulmate for everyone' :Natasha Bedingfield
 
redngold
Posts: 6673
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2000 12:26 pm

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 8:37 am

It's his problem, not yours, and you should not blame yourself for his decisions. You own your own sexuality, and if he's not willing to look beyond that to see the complete human being you are, and treat you with basic decency - as opposed to seeing you only for your sexual and lifestyle choices - then you can do nothing else.
Up, up and away!
 
ScarletHarlot
Posts: 4251
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2003 12:15 pm

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 8:52 am

Quoting Klaus (Reply 28):
That implication is not realistic nor appropriate.

I think you are being too hard on Red (and I am aware of past discussions). I think she was only trying to be supportive of Jordan and meant no offense by her words.
But that was when I ruled the world
 
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PA110
Posts: 1897
Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2003 1:30 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 9:00 am

Quoting Redngold (Reply 27):
It's his problem, not yours, and you should not blame yourself for his decisions.

You started off so well... but then just had to say...

Quoting Redngold (Reply 27):
for your sexual and lifestyle choices

Couldn't help yourself, could you? For the millionth time - it ain't a choice! If it were, why would we subject ourselves to all the abuse and bigotry? We're gay, not necessarily masochistic!

..............................................................

Pawlseykat, hang in there man. It's never easy having to come out to family. Some of my friends (including my partner) just can't bring themselves to tell their family for fear of losing those ties. It takes its toll, because there is always an unspoken friction. One of my friends got disowned and thrown out of the house, and never saw his parents again. He went through some tough times, but turned into a very well adjusted and very upstanding guy. I was luckier, my folks expressed dissapointment, but eventually came around. They now love my partner and treat him like an additional son.

Perhaps your Dad will eventually regret his actions, but keep your head up.
It's been swell, but the swelling has gone down.
 
Klaus
Posts: 20578
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 9:01 am

Quoting ScarletHarlot (Reply 29):
I think you are being too hard on Red (and I am aware of past discussions). I think she was only trying to be supportive of Jordan and meant no offense by her words.

I have no doubts about her good intentions, but the implied qualification of "choices" also implies "well, you could have chosen differently and none of that would have happened!", which is simply not realistic and ultimately implies a judgment and a very different assignment of fault which is rather grating for anybody who knows better.
 
ScarletHarlot
Posts: 4251
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2003 12:15 pm

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 9:06 am

Quoting PA110 (Reply 29):
Couldn't help yourself, could you? For the millionth time - it ain't a choice! If it were, why would we subject ourselves to all the abuse and bigotry? We're gay, not necessarily masochistic!



Quoting Klaus (Reply 30):
I have no doubts about her good intentions, but the implied qualification of "choices" also implies "well, you could have chosen differently and none of that would have happened!", which is simply not realistic and ultimately implies a judgment and a very different assignment of fault which is rather grating for anybody who knows better.

Guys, I think you are being really hard on Redngold. I really do not think she at all intended to imply

Quoting Klaus (Reply 30):
"well, you could have chosen differently and none of that would have happened!",

I understand the history here but I really think Redngold was only trying to be supportive of Jordan and express her dismay at the situation he is in with his dad - not pass any judgment on him.

It appears that the thread is being cleaned up so I'll leave it there.
But that was when I ruled the world
 
redngold
Posts: 6673
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 9:09 am

Apparently the A.net gay community believes that I can have no good intentions or sympathy or the ability to see someone else's viewpoint from the outside of a conflict.

Pawlsey, I am sorry your father cannot see you for the human being you are, regardless of HOW HE MIGHT VIEW YOUR SEXUALITY AS A CHOICE, OR NOT.
Up, up and away!
 
mirrodie
Posts: 6789
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 9:09 am

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I've been through rough times with my father and it's not easy.
Of course, your' fathers interaction with the 11 year old is really in your face and I wish you didn't have that to also deal with. Really I hope you guys work through this somehow with time.

Your father (like most fathers) probably had other dreams for you and its tearing him up. You can't change who you both are.

I've got a little son now. Only 7 months. He's the best thing, really, and all I ever hope for that he's healthy and happy throughout his life.

Advice: You are young, so be strong.
Forum moderator 2001-2010; He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless st
 
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PA110
Posts: 1897
Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2003 1:30 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 9:34 am

Quoting Redngold (Reply 32):
HOW HE MIGHT VIEW YOUR SEXUALITY AS A CHOICE, OR NOT.

Ya know, I was going to let this pass, but I just went back and read your original post again.

Quoting Redngold (Reply 27):
if he's not willing to look beyond that to see the complete human being you are, and treat you with basic decency - as opposed to seeing you only for your sexual and lifestyle choices

Sorry, I find these two quotes do not read or imply the same thing at all. Your original quote implies that YOU are making the value judgment, not his father... at least that's how it reads to me.

Pawlseykat - There is value in standing up to EVERY instance of bias, no matter how slight. Your father's reaction is obviously the more extreme. Despite Red's well meaning, if poorly chosen words of support, there is a subtle bias in her words, that betray her (previously posted) belief that homosexuals who chose to act on our attraction, whether it be innate or not, are committing a sin in the eyes of her religion.

(edited for grammar)

[Edited 2007-08-22 02:36:08]
It's been swell, but the swelling has gone down.
 
Duff44
Posts: 1561
Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2006 11:48 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 10:08 am

Quoting Kmh1956 (Reply 16):
and (may I say?) a knockout!

If that's her in the photo on your profile, you're right! Big grin

Quoting ScarletHarlot (Reply 24):
You know, it amazes me, the shit that so-called adults put kids through, mentally and physically. Maybe I'm a Pollyanna but aren't parents supposed to love, protect, and support their kids? Not berate, sneer at, disown, or hurt. Not use as a pawn in an ugly divorce. That just makes me so angry, that grown ups would put kids through such crap - kids who depend on them for survival and nurturing. Kids have no choice in the matter. It's not like they can leave.

Absolutely agreed. I get completely sick when I see fathers (or mothers for that matter) not supporting their kids (financially or otherwise) for their own reasons. If I was a father, I'd want to be there every minute and accept everything my children had to offer... whether somebody perceives it to be wrong in their eyes is irrelevant to me.

P-kat: Hang in there man. Don't let anyone tell you that being yourself is a problem.
I'll rassle ya for a bowl of bacon!
 
kmh1956
Posts: 2854
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2005 4:08 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 10:13 am

Quoting Duff44 (Reply 35):
If that's her in the photo on your profile, you're right!

Yeah, that's her...college graduation this past May!!
'Somebody tell me why I'm on my own if there's a soulmate for everyone' :Natasha Bedingfield
 
cabso1
Posts: 458
Joined: Sun May 15, 2005 6:23 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 10:31 am

I'm really sorry that this has happened. The best advice I can give now, that hasn't been repeated above is that improve your relation with your mother, because right now she's all you got. A dad who refuses to associate with you and after all you've been through, he hasn't a right to be the dad. I hope it all works out for you Jordan.
 
MCOflyer
Posts: 7069
Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:51 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 10:42 am

Quoting Kmh1956 (Reply 16):
it's his loss...not yours.



Quoting Kmh1956 (Reply 16):

Any parent who denies their child doesn't deserve the title of parent.



Quoting Kmh1956 (Reply 16):
what a great kid he has and you can repair your relationship.

I agree and would like to add that you did not do anything wrong.

Quoting OceansWorld (Reply 18):
You're not selfish a single second.

Totally agree. anyone who identifies himself should be proud of who they are.

Quoting Mirrodie (Reply 33):

Advice: You are young, so be strong.

Agree and keep your chin up. Good things will come. Its called Karma.

Hunter
Never be afraid to stand up for who you are.
 
SNCNtry32
Posts: 552
Joined: Fri Jan 05, 2007 10:22 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 10:55 am

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 1):
p.s. your dad may feel the effects of karma later.

What goes around comes around. Trust me.  Silly

Stay strong.

Cole
Long Live Memphis!
 
AeroWesty
Posts: 19551
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 3:52 pm

I guess we all go through life expecting our parents to love, nurture and protect us, no matter what, and when they're no longer a role model, it's difficult to deal with.

Jordan, part of growing up is crossing over that point where you suddenly realize not everything your parents did was in your best interest. For some, it comes earlier in life than for others.

Stay strong, take with you the good things, go on in life, and make something of yourself.
International Homo of Mystery
 
QFA380
Posts: 2013
Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2005 4:38 pm

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 4:28 pm

Wow man that really sucks, I'm in the same kind of position with my dad.

I dread ever seeing him and try to avoid ringing him. He left my mum soon after my brother was born (coincidence? I think not) and has been married to a woman I very much dislike and has had 3 kids with her. He tries to make me think that my mum is that bad parent when she has stuck by me my entire life. My father is the biggest liar I have ever met, in regards to visiting him and him paying my mum money (he cheats that tax office so he ends up paying $16 maintenance a month for 2 teenagers).

Fortunately my mum has found an awesome guy and is getting married in December.

I'm sure it will take a turn for the better one day, for now I guess one just has to put up with it and not get too down.

Best of luck
 
ME AVN FAN
Posts: 12970
Joined: Fri May 31, 2002 12:05 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:03 pm

Quoting Pawsleykat (Thread starter):
it's wrong for them to call my dad "dad"..

if your father now lives with their mother, he for them of course is "dad"
-
 
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AirPacific747
Posts: 9259
Joined: Mon May 19, 2008 9:52 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:48 pm

Quoting ME AVN FAN (Reply 42):
if your father now lives with their mother, he for them of course is "dad"

Why is that of course? I have never considered my step mom my real mom and never called her 'mom', and my step sister has never called my dad for 'dad'... so that is not "of course" at all...
 
ME AVN FAN
Posts: 12970
Joined: Fri May 31, 2002 12:05 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 7:28 pm

Quoting AirPacific747 (Reply 43):
Why is that of course? I have never considered my step mom my real mom and never called her 'mom', and my step sister has never called my dad for 'dad'... so that is not "of course" at all...

Maybe not really "of course" but rather natural and widespread customs, IF the new "father" is accepted as "father" by the children of the new partner in life. It is particularily the case if the "old" father has died or "vanished".
 
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AirPacific747
Posts: 9259
Joined: Mon May 19, 2008 9:52 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 7:33 pm

Quoting ME AVN FAN (Reply 44):
Maybe not really "of course" but rather natural and widespread customs, IF the new "father" is accepted as "father" by the children of the new partner in life. It is particularily the case if the "old" father has died or "vanished".

I think the most important factor is age of the children by the time they get a stepmom/stepdad for them to be able to recognize them as parents.

And seconds, as you said, another important factor is whether or not the biological parent(s) have died..
 
BA787
Posts: 2381
Joined: Sat Jun 03, 2006 9:40 pm

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 8:35 pm

Quoting Pawsleykat (Reply 7):
School went back today so I suppose that's one way to get things off my mind

Ye lucky scotsman. I'm just entering the fourth week of these holidays and entering that phase where you wish you were back at school. I'm just bored.

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. It sounds like your Dad isn't worth getting upset over although I can understand why you are. He obviously doesn't deserve to be your father and one day he will realise what a prat he has been. I can't offer much more advice than that as I am no expert, but if you want to talk, I've emailed you my MSN account (I changed it ages ago and something messed up wit my contacts list).

Cheers BA787
 
frequentflyer
Posts: 708
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2005 3:22 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Wed Aug 22, 2007 9:04 pm

Quoting Halcyon (Reply 21):
I guess that you should just be happy that he leaves you alone. It's worse when such a bad father hounds you to intentionally make you miserable.

So very true.

Hey Jordan: well it for sure looks like you have a lot to be proud of, to start by being honest and moving on. The good thing is, it is a telltale sign of your strength in the years to come so I am not worried about you.

However, I understasnd that the current status with your Dad is compromised through his faults. As Halcyon said above, he may not be worth that much, so if at all possible focus on something else. You mentioned School??? Thats the way to go. Try to be independent as soon as possible, have a job on the side, etc...

You have done an excellent job so far, do not let the pitiful bring you down. Use the current situation to shine, as you currently do.
Take off and live
 
Doona
Posts: 3382
Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 9:43 am

RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Thu Aug 23, 2007 12:10 am

Quoting Frequentflyer (Reply 47):
Use the current situation to shine, as you currently do.

Or better yet - sparkle!  cloudnine 

Cheers
Mats
Sure, we're concerned for our lives. Just not as concerned as saving 9 bucks on a roundtrip to Ft. Myers.
 
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HAWK21M
Posts: 29867
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RE: I Just Lost My Dad....

Thu Aug 23, 2007 1:28 am

You can't choose your Dad,but you can choose your friends.
If someone likes you they will.Don't think over it too much.
Time is the best cure.
regds
MEL
I may not win often, but I damn well never lose!!! ;)

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