A couple of old ones:
Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
* 6 Put window up.
* 7 Drive off.
* 1 Drive up to cash machine.
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down.
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
* 9 Insert card.
* 10 Re-insert card the right side up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required.
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.
* 19 Re-check make-up again.
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.
* 22 Retrieve card.
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
* 27 Release Parking Brake.
A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
Ã‚Â£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
Ã‚Â£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist .
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock Ã‚Â£15 off.
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful, but the price could drop to Ã‚Â£40".
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you Ã‚Â£5."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
A man walks into a pub, and sits at the bar with a drink. A few minutes later another bloke walks in "Hi Dave" says the barman. As Dave sits down, all the other people in the pub say "Hi Dave". As new customers walk in, they all greet Dave before getting a drink.
The bloke asks the barman "Is he one of your regulars then?" "Nah," says the barman, "First time he's come in, but everyone knows Dave...don't you?" bemused the man says "No, don't know him at all." The barman says "Rubbish...go over and say hello, you MUST know him...Dave knows everyone in the world."
So the man goes over and says "Hi mate, sorry to interrupt but the barman just said that you know everyone in the world...is that true?" Dave says "Yeah, true enough"
So the bloke says "Rubbish!! Nobody can know everyone in the world"
," says Dave. "Name me any 3 people, and I bet I know them".
"Fine." says the bloke. "Geroge W Bush, Gordon Brown, and The Pope."
"Eaaasy!" says Dave. "Come with me."
So they head off down the airport and jump a flight to Washington. As the checkin staff know Dave, they get a 1st class upgrade, and all the cabin crew bring them extra drinks for the flight as he's a personal friend. No need to check Dave's passport at customs, they already know him, and they're off to the Whitehouse.
The chief of staff comes down to greet them "Hiya Dave, same as usual?" Dave says "No not this time, this chappy doesn't believe I know everyone in the world, so I just need a chat with Dubya if he's got a minute?"
"Not a problem Dave, you know he's always got time for you."
5 minutes later they're in the Oval Office having a coffee with the President.
"Well," the man says "I'm impressed. But this proves nothing."
"I know," says Dave. "Three you said, three you get. George, can I borrow Air Force One for a few hours...?"
"No problems" says GWB. "Just don't bloody scratch it like last time."
So they jet back into London on Air Force One, on the flight Dave rings a mate and arranges a limo pick up to take them to no.10. Upon arrival they're greeted as before, and ushered in to see the PM
. After a quick cuppa they're back out on the street.
"Right" says Dave "Vatican next"
Back onto Air Force One, and they head over to the Vatican, only to find that the square is packed with people. As they join the back of the crowd, one of the chaps there says "Hi Dave, come to see the Pope's speech have you?"
"Nah," says Dave "This chap doesn't believe I know everyone in the world so I'm heading up for a quick word with Benny".
"Better be quick then" says the chap, "He's on in 5."
Dave turns to the bloke from the pub and says "Right, you wait here, I'll nip up and say hello, do a quick wave from the balcony then we'll get back to the pub. 5 minutes." And away he goes, stops for a quick natter to see how the security guards wife is doing and pass on his regards, then up to see The Pope. As promised, he steps out on the balcony, waves to the crowd below, and then heads back down.
When he gets back to where they were stood, he finds an ambulance loading the chap into the back on a trolley.
"Bloody hell!" Says Dave, "What happened!"
"Well Dave," says the Paramedic, "He had a heart attack...he's coming round though so you can ask him yourself"
Dave gets in the back and says "You silly bugger! Told you I know everyone, surely it shouldn't have been such a shock after Dubya and Gordon..?"
"No," says the bloke, "it wasn't that....just when you and the Pope stepped out on the balcony, some fella behind me said "Who the f**ks that stood next to Dave..."
[Edited 2007-11-28 22:23:00]
Edited because the board munged the pound signs
[Edited 2007-11-28 22:26:47]