carmenlu15
Posts: 4517
Joined: Sat Dec 25, 2004 1:24 am

Just Another Joke Thread...

Mon Jan 14, 2008 9:03 pm

A guy was at the hospital visiting his Japanese neighbor, who had been involved in a serious car accident. He found his friend in the ICU, among many tubes here and there, all connected to various medical equipment. The patient was sleeping peacefully... when suddenly he got up in a shock, his eyes popping out, yelling "SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA!!!" Having said that, he died.

During the funeral, the guy approached his friend's mother and his widow, and hugging both of them he asked,

"Mrs. Fumiko and Mrs. Shakita, seconds before my friend Fuyiro passed away he told me some words I cannot forget: 'SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA!!!' Would you kindly tell me what do they mean?"

Fuyiro's mother fainted, and the widow looked at the guy with a shocked expression in her face. The guy insists, "What do these words mean, Mrs. Shakita?"

Furious, the widow replies, "That means 'STEP OFF THE OXYGEN TUBE, YOU SON OF A B*TCH!!!"
Don't expect to see me around that much (if at all) -- the contact link should still work, though.
 
jamesbuk
Posts: 3712
Joined: Mon May 02, 2005 11:52 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Mon Jan 14, 2008 9:23 pm

Whats black, crispy and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire


Whats the fastest thing on land?

Stevie Wonders speed boat


What does Stevie Wonders wife do after an argument?

Rearranges the furniture


 silly 

Rgds --James--
You cant have your cake and eat it... What the hells the point in having it then!!!
 
AirTranTUS
Posts: 3313
Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2005 9:12 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Mon Jan 14, 2008 9:55 pm

I hate concentration camp jokes because my great-grandfather died in one.








He fell asleep in the guard tower and fell to his death.
I love ASO!
 
don81603
Posts: 1105
Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:07 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Mon Jan 14, 2008 11:03 pm

An elderly couple was attending church services-- about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart - what do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
PlymSpotter
Posts: 10011
Joined: Thu Jun 17, 2004 7:32 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 2:00 am

This is one which tickled me;

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Dan  Smile
...love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...
 
AsstChiefMark
Posts: 10465
Joined: Thu Feb 05, 2004 2:14 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 2:29 am

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught Murphy at the door and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I lost my hat and I really, really loved that hat. I know that McGlynn has one just like it and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after the Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "So, after I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without a hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat."
Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Damned MSP...Red tail...Red tail
 
FlyDeltaJets87
Posts: 4479
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:51 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:14 am

Have you ever had Ethiopian food?






Neither have they.
"Let's Roll"- Todd Beamer, United Airlines Flight 93, Sept. 11, 2001
 
LHMark
Posts: 7048
Joined: Fri Jan 21, 2000 2:18 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:32 am

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?














She wasn't wearing her seat belt.
"Sympathy is something that shouldn't be bestowed on the Yankees. Apparently it angers them." - Bob Feller
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:32 am

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the booze and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"



And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
ORFflyer
Posts: 3142
Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2005 2:42 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 11:35 am

BBQ RULES


ROUTINE...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill--beer in hand.

HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART:

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

MORE ROUTINE.....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

IMPORTANT AGAIN:

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

MORE ROUTINE:

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL:

(10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. (11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...
 
miamiair
Posts: 4249
Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2004 9:42 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 12:19 pm

I was so depressed last night

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Molon Labe - Proud member of SMASH
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 3:00 pm

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, two beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide them from the Germans; I hid them in my attic and they were never found."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told them that they had to pay for rent of the attic with sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding them; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell them that the war is over?"
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
don81603
Posts: 1105
Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:07 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 3:04 pm

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,

"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings "

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says,

"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says,

"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states,

"Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear looks at him quizzically and says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
B747forever
Posts: 12855
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 9:50 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 5:29 pm

But damn guys, most of this jokes are just brilliant!! Have to just memorise some of them.

Keep them up!!!
Work Hard, Fly Right
 
IH8BY
Posts: 758
Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2005 5:39 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 5:42 pm



Quoting PlymSpotter (Reply 4):
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Not funny. Arts graduate, sales assistant in high street store.  ashamed 

So...
The scene: a job interview:

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible"
Applicant: "That's me! In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!"
Have you ever felt like you could float into the sky / like the laws of physics simply don't apply?
 
AsstChiefMark
Posts: 10465
Joined: Thu Feb 05, 2004 2:14 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 5:48 pm

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike and the girl shows him the football, yelling, "Nah na nah na nah."

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says, "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says, "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Red tail...Damned MSP...Red tail...Red tail
 
don81603
Posts: 1105
Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:07 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 5:59 pm

RECENT RESEARCH SHOWS THERE ARE 7 KINDS OF SEX:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have
sex until you are blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you
are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex
has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass
each other in the hallway, you both say 'screw you.'


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night. (Very Popular!)


The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court
and screws you in front of everyone.


And, last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex




You get a little each month - but not enough to enjoy yourself.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
miamiair
Posts: 4249
Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2004 9:42 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 15, 2008 8:27 pm

Molon Labe - Proud member of SMASH
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Wed Jan 16, 2008 1:42 pm

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to you!"
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Wed Jan 16, 2008 8:27 pm

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said he believes the man is a member of the notorious "Al-gebra"movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Chertoff said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
Confuscius
Posts: 3568
Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2001 12:29 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Wed Jan 16, 2008 9:05 pm

What do Italians and Arabs have in common?

Take them out of uniform and they become good fighters.
Ain't I a stinker?
 
Thom@s
Posts: 11674
Joined: Thu Oct 19, 2000 2:03 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Thu Jan 17, 2008 5:59 pm

My grandfather was killed in the battle of Normandie during D-day in the 2nd world war.

He wasn't in the armed forces, he was just camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise.

Thom@s
"If guns don't kill people, people kill people - does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?"
 
columba
Posts: 5045
Joined: Fri Dec 10, 2004 10:12 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Thu Jan 17, 2008 8:29 pm

It will forever be a McDonnell Douglas MD 80 , Boeing MD 80 sounds so wrong
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Fri Jan 18, 2008 11:15 am

A husband and wife were enjoying a round of golf and tee'd off from the third, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife sliced it - her shot headed for a plate glass window and shattered it into a million pieces.

The couple felt guilty so went to check the damage, but when they reached the house, there was no-one home. The husband called out and then noticed a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - a scratch handicap for him, an annual income of CHF5,000,000 for her.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a multi-millionaire."

They thought long and hard about it, but finally the husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

"Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

"31."

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
don81603
Posts: 1105
Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:07 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Fri Jan 18, 2008 3:18 pm

An American businessman travels to Japan to close a deal with a supplier. While he's there, he gets himself a "lady of the evening". During the evening, the woman has tears running down her face, and is screaming "Nungiya! Nungiya!"
The business man's ego assumes it's a great compliment.

The next day, while golfing with the supplier, the supplier nails a hole in one on a par five. The American, wanting to make an impression, exclaims "Nungiya!" The supplier turns to him and says: "The hell do you mean, 'wrong hole'"?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
DC10extender
Posts: 573
Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 6:09 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Mon Jan 21, 2008 4:26 am

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.





A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"
Did you ever read on your birth certificate that life is fair? Thats cause its not there.
 
PanHAM
Posts: 8538
Joined: Fri May 06, 2005 6:44 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Mon Jan 21, 2008 2:47 pm

Ah New Orleans......

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to New
Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings,
gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as
bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a nice private school.

It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've
been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll
take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
powered by Eierlikör
 
ORFflyer
Posts: 3142
Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2005 2:42 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Tue Jan 22, 2008 12:05 pm

"Hello?"

"Hi honey.

This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"


"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."



After a brief pause,


Daddy says,"But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul."



"Oh yes I do, and he 's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now."



Brief Pause.



"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."



"Okay Daddy, just a minute."


A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.


"I did it Daddy."


"And what happened honey?"


"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.


Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"


"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"


"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."


***Long Pause***








***Longer Pause***







***Even Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says "Swimming pool?


Is this 486-....?"
 
signol
Posts: 2652
Joined: Tue Oct 30, 2007 5:18 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Wed Jan 23, 2008 8:51 am

Wisdom of Age
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"


signol
Flights booked: NWI-AMS-JNB-DUR, JNB-AMS-NWI
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Wed Jan 23, 2008 9:27 pm

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.' 'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your todger was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new todger that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. However, the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. However, if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. Therefore it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So, the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .

We're having a new kitchen.'
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
 
AirTranTUS
Posts: 3313
Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2005 9:12 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Wed Jan 23, 2008 10:33 pm

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?


.
.
.
.
.
.

I'll be home in 20 minutes!
I love ASO!
 
RJdxer
Posts: 3523
Joined: Thu Nov 09, 2006 1:14 am

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Wed Jan 23, 2008 11:34 pm

What is a 710?

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said! , see, 710, of course we all know it as the OIL filler cap.

And so I don't hear crap from the blonde's in the audience.....





Dan was a single guy living at home with his widower father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural blonde beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Warm winds blowing, heating blue skies, and a road that goes forever. I'm going to Texas!
 
helvknight
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 10:35 pm

RE: Just Another Joke Thread...

Sun Jan 27, 2008 7:55 pm

Scottish Romance. These are real ads from the Scottish lonely-hearts column. Which one is Kirkie?

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,
Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango
sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion.
Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08



Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03


Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested
in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on
Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .


Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41


Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a
few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more Box 84/87


Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we
bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy
journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32


Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will
include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social
functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45


Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the
arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big
chest. Box 40/27


Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering
dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07


Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler
competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978,
seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent
comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41


Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
Thanks Groan Reply With Quote
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