797
Topic Author
Posts: 1386
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2005 8:51 am

How To Address Costumer Service! Hilarious!

Fri Sep 19, 2008 1:34 am

Hey everyone,

Today in my Business Communications class our teacher gave us a letter to analyze and then rewrite... I believe it's one of the funniest things I've ever read in my entire life. Thought would be cool to share here on A.net.

Enjoy!

-----------------

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver

- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,

Yours psychotically

John Doe [editor's note: name changed to protect the innocent]
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous!
 
lincoln
Posts: 3133
Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2004 11:22 pm

RE: How To Address Costumer Service! Hilarious!

Fri Sep 19, 2008 1:42 am



Quoting 797 (Thread starter):
Costumer Service

I have to say I've never had problems with my costumer...

(sorry, I just couldn't resist)

As fot the letter...absolutely fantastic... I've written a couple of those (though I've always caved to my inner voice and replaced them with something a little more professional before mailing (or I've had friends call friends in the Regulatory Affairs department and dispensed with the letter entirely)

Lincoln
CO Is My Airline of Choice || Baggage Claim is an airline's last chance to disappoint a customer || Next flts in profile
 
WunalaYann
Posts: 2128
Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2005 12:55 am

RE: How To Address Costumer Service! Hilarious!

Fri Sep 19, 2008 5:34 am

Being French-Australian, I should have nothing but contempt for Brits but somehow I love them. Dearly.

And this letter is one of the many reasons why.

 bigthumbsup 
 
NorthstarBoy
Posts: 1416
Joined: Tue Jun 07, 2005 12:53 pm

RE: How To Address Costumer Service! Hilarious!

Fri Sep 19, 2008 8:27 am

that's one of the funniest things i've read in a long time. I'd love to have seen the look on the face of the employee who opened that letter, to discover two pieces of cat excrement inside! I'm sure it was priceless.
Yes, I'd like to see airbus go under so Boeing can have their customers!
 
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Francoflier
Posts: 3725
Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2001 12:27 pm

RE: How To Address Costumer Service! Hilarious!

Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:02 am



Quoting 797 (Thread starter):
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

 rotfl   rotfl   rotfl   rotfl   rotfl 

I've just found out why I learned to speak and read english...
I'll do my own airline. With Blackjack. And hookers. In fact, forget the airline.
 
797
Topic Author
Posts: 1386
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2005 8:51 am

RE: How To Address Costumer Service! Hilarious!

Fri Sep 19, 2008 12:15 pm

I just woke up and am still laughing from this one:

Quoting 797 (Thread starter):
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

This was just brilliant!
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous!
 
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ClassicLover
Posts: 3954
Joined: Tue Mar 09, 2004 12:27 pm

RE: How To Address Costumer Service! Hilarious!

Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:08 pm

Awesome! I love it when people can write like that  Smile
I do quite enjoy a spot of flying - more so when it's not in Economy!
 
miamix707
Posts: 3848
Joined: Tue Oct 21, 2003 2:22 pm

RE: How To Address Costumer Service! Hilarious!

Tue Sep 23, 2008 12:44 am

lol had to do something similar for a consumer behavior marketing class

mine seemed like a love letter compared to that
 
don81603
Posts: 1105
Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:07 am

RE: How To Address Costumer Service! Hilarious!

Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:06 am



Quoting 797 (Thread starter):

Am I to understand you were less than satisfied with the level of service?  stirthepot 
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