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Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Mon Oct 20, 2008 4:26 pm

I've been a fan of the Simpsons since the first season debuted, and I've always thought the religious jokes were some of the funniest ... so I'll start:

From Homer the heretic:

Rev. Lovejoy, dining with the Simpson family: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. ''A foolish man, who who built his house on sand.''

Homer: And you remember... Matthew ... 21:17.

Rev. Lovejoy: ''And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there'?'

Homer: Yeah ... Think about it.

From Hurricane Neddy:

Ned Flanders, after the Hurricane destroyed his home: I don't know Reverend, I, I almost feel a little like Job.

Reverend Lovejoy: Don't you think you're being a tad melodramatic, Ned ... plus, I believe Job was right handed.

From Bart's girlfriend:

Lisa, imploring the church to not judge her brother for stealing the church collection plate: Doesn't the bible say - "judge not lest ye be judged?"

Reverend Lovejoy: I believe it's somewhere towards the back ...
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Mon Oct 20, 2008 5:36 pm

Watch the "Mr. Sparkle" episode - it says a lot about the current state of religion.

Also, it's freaking funny.
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Mon Oct 20, 2008 6:19 pm

From the movie:

*Homer picks up bible and skims through it*
Homer: This book doesn't contain any answers!
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Mon Oct 20, 2008 6:56 pm

I forget the episode, but I think Bart was in Sunday School class learning about the unending horrors of Hell.

Bart: But wouldn't it be kind of like a hot'd get used to it after a while?
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:14 pm

also from "Homer the Heretic"...

God: "Now, if you'll excuse me Homer, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico..."
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:48 pm

Secrets of a Successful Marriage

Rev. Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
Mrs. Lovejoy: Mmm hm.
Marge: But isn't that a sin?
Rev. Lovejoy: Marge, everything is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing? [holds up a bible] Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:54 pm

My favourite was in There's Something About Marrying
Rev. Lovejoy: While I have no opinion for or against your sinful lifestyles, I cannot marry two people of the same sex no more than I can put a hamburger on a hotdog bun. Now, go back to working behind the scenes at every facet of entertainment!
Marge: Excuse me, Reverend.
Lovejoy: Yes?
Marge: As long as two people love each other, I don't think God cares whether they both have the same "hoo-hoo" or "ha-ha."
Nelson: Ha-ha! audio clip
Rev. Lovejoy: The bible forbids same-sex relations.
Marge: Which book?
Rev. Lovejoy: Which book?! The Bible!
Marge: But Reverend... (Lovejoy begins cranking the church bells so loud that it drowns out what Marge is saying. What follows are Marge's mostly inaudible lines) Scriptural scholars disagree on the significance to Christians of many of the Old Testaments prescriptions! Jesus' teachings stress inclusiveness! And compassion!
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Mon Oct 20, 2008 9:15 pm

From the "Bart Sells His Soul" episode:

Bart: Hymns, here! I got hymns, here. Get 'em while they're holy. Fresh from God's brain to your mouth. Heh heh heh.
Lovejoy: And now, please rise for our opening hymn, uh..."In the Garden of Eden," by I. Ron Butterfly.
(Mrs. Feesh starts playing)
Everyone: In the garden of Eden, honey, Don't you know that I lo-ove yo-ou? In the garden of Eden, baby, Don't you know that I'll always be tru-ue?
(Bart chuckles)
Homer: quietly Hey Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?
(they both chuckle)

A longish organ solo takes place, Mrs. Feesh gradually getting sweatier
and more disheveled. "Oh won't you come with me/and take my hand?"
everyone sings. The Rev. takes a closer look at the words and observes,
"Wait a minute. This looks like rock and/or roll." Someone throws a
beach ball at him and it bounces off his head. Seventeen minutes later,
Mrs. Feesh plays an arpeggio while various members of the audience (er,
congregation) hold lit candles above them. She plays the final five
notes and collapses onto the organ.

Lovejoy is not amused. He assembles all the kids in his office to
extract a confession.

Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this. So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to Hell where I will eat nought but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola --
(all the kids recite in unison)
Ralph: (scared) ...where fiery demons will punch me in the back,
Bart: (bored) ...where my soul will be chopped into confetti and be strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers,
Milhouse: ...where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds.

a crow outside looks right at him an squawks

Bart did it! That Bart right there!
Bart: (angry) Milhouse!
Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. (goes back for Milhouse) You too, snitchy.

That last line just makes the whole scene.

[Edited 2008-10-20 14:15:57]
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Mon Oct 20, 2008 10:34 pm

Homer: 'If God had wanted us to go to church every Sunday he would have made weeks 1 hr longer".
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Mon Oct 20, 2008 10:52 pm

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such. - Homer

"Thank the Lor -- thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion.". - Superintendent Chalmers

I forget how it exactly goes but Homer dies and can't get into heaven until he does 1 good deed. He goes down to Marge and asks Marge if she has a good deed for him to do. Marge say he can clean the garage, clean the gutters, and mow the lawn. Homer stops her and says I'm just trying to get into heaven, I'm not running for Jesus.
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Tue Oct 21, 2008 12:49 am

1. Homer: [while watching a meteor shower]

"I wish God were alive to see this."

2. Bart.

"Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas?You know, the birth of Santa."

3. Ned and Maude Flanders:

Ned: The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous.
Maude: Isn't that Homer Simpson?
Ned: Huh, looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State!
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Tue Oct 21, 2008 2:50 am

From the Treehouse of Horror episode where it is revealed that Kang is Maggie's real father:

Homer opens the door, sees Kang and Kodos standing there and proclaims: "Oh great, Mormons!"
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Tue Oct 21, 2008 4:09 am

Homer: God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert.
Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.

still has me in stitches!
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Tue Oct 21, 2008 5:01 am

Homer: "I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to church!"
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RE: Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons

Tue Oct 21, 2008 6:00 am

From the "Homer Loves Flanders" episode ...

Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. [doorbell rings]
Ned: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick --
Homer: [slams the door] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. [Marge scrapes it off into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
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