Phoenix9
Topic Author
Posts: 2042
Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 8:25 pm

Share A Joke...

Sun Feb 15, 2009 6:59 pm

This is one of the funniest jokes I've come across in a while:

For Valentine's Day

Flowers: $ 50
Dinner and Movie: $100
Hotel room afterwards: $ 150

The look on your face when she says she has her period: Priceless!
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
Confuscius
Posts: 3568
Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2001 12:29 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Sun Feb 15, 2009 7:05 pm



Quoting Phoenix9 (Thread starter):
The look on your face when she says she has her period: Priceless!

Gotta improvise. There are two other useful body orifice.
Ain't I a stinker?
 
User avatar
SOBHI51
Posts: 3761
Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2003 1:32 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Sun Feb 15, 2009 7:34 pm

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to* *the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.*
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"*
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and* *8 days to live**
*Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!*
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.*
*After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. *
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
*Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

"I thought you* *said I had another 43 years.

Why didn't you pull me from* *out of the path of the ambulance?"*

*(You'll love this)*
God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"*

=================================================================
The Geography Of A Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and
open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Bet ween 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed
and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but
still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a
glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through
war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business

Between 61 and 70, a woman
is like Canada, self-preserving but
open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... Only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

The Geography Of A Man


Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts....
I am against any terrorist acts committed under the name of Islam
 
kmh1956
Posts: 2854
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2005 4:08 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Sun Feb 15, 2009 11:48 pm

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
'Somebody tell me why I'm on my own if there's a soulmate for everyone' :Natasha Bedingfield
 
Confuscius
Posts: 3568
Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2001 12:29 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Mon Feb 16, 2009 5:02 am

Two married men were having a beer after work. Norm said: "Have you ever said one thing when you meant to say something else?"

"How do you mean?" said Dick.

"Well the other day instead of two tickets to Pittsburg, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," said Dick. "Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, "Pass the sugar" but what came out was, "You bitch, you ruined my life."
Ain't I a stinker?
 
787seattle
Posts: 335
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2008 5:34 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Mon Feb 16, 2009 7:25 am

David Letterman's Top Ten List

The Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down:


10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
Student - KELN
 
B747forever
Posts: 12879
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 9:50 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Mon Feb 16, 2009 4:44 pm



Quoting SOBHI51 (Reply 2):

LOL! You have got some lovely jokes! Love them.

Bring them up, please  Smile
Work Hard, Fly Right
 
User avatar
SOBHI51
Posts: 3761
Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2003 1:32 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Tue Feb 17, 2009 5:45 am

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.

This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. Hestrip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,
Cheng Lee
I am against any terrorist acts committed under the name of Islam
 
seemyseems
Posts: 363
Joined: Fri Jan 02, 2009 12:42 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Tue Feb 17, 2009 10:32 pm

Quoting SOBHI51 (Reply 2):
The Geography Of A Man


Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts....

LOL!!

I have one, its not that good, but it will fit the bill!

2 Blondes walk into a bar........  

[Edited 2009-02-17 14:32:35]
seemyseems
 
don81603
Posts: 1105
Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:07 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Tue Feb 17, 2009 10:37 pm

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
GDB
Posts: 12678
Joined: Wed May 23, 2001 6:25 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Tue Feb 17, 2009 11:18 pm

Q. How do you know if you are going with a real dirty girl?
A. When you ask her for a blow job and she replies, nah, I'm too tired to be bothered right now, just wank in a cup and I'll drink it in the morning!

A little boy was in his garden and killed a Butterfly, his dad said that's bad, no butter for two weeks!
Then he killed a Honey Bee, his dad said, right, no honey for you for a month!
A bit later his mum came out and squashed a cockroach, the little boy looked at his dad and said do you wanna tell or will I?

A vain husband is preening himself, looking in the mirror of the bedroom, look at that, he says to his wife, 12 stones of pure dynamite!
His wife replies, shame about the 2 inch fuse!

In a new development in the war torn Middle East, groups of Israeli troops have entered Jordan.
Early reports suggest she is tired and her arse is sore, but she'll solider on!

[Edited 2009-02-17 15:24:31]
 
fatmirjusufi
Posts: 1708
Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 1:28 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Tue Feb 17, 2009 11:27 pm

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
DO FLIGHTS. NOT FIGHTS.
 
2H4
Posts: 7960
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 11:11 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Tue Feb 17, 2009 11:41 pm

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?







...











...











...













...



A: Because she was a woman.  duck 


2H4
Intentionally Left Blank
 
User avatar
SOBHI51
Posts: 3761
Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2003 1:32 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Tue Feb 17, 2009 11:48 pm

2H4

Joke way to long try to make them shorter
There was something else but i can not remember what  
Man you are going to get it bad.

[Edited 2009-02-17 15:50:04]
I am against any terrorist acts committed under the name of Islam
 
Phoenix9
Topic Author
Posts: 2042
Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 8:25 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 12:13 am



Quoting 2H4 (Reply 12):
Because she was a woman

Here's something along the same lines:


A woman is supposed to see only three things:


1) The stove

2) The ceiling

3) The back of a man's hand


I better go and put on my flame suit now  bomb   flamed 
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
User avatar
SOBHI51
Posts: 3761
Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2003 1:32 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 12:25 am



Quoting Phoenix9 (Reply 14):
better go and put on my flame suit now

I think a bullet proof jacket is a better idea.
I am against any terrorist acts committed under the name of Islam
 
fbgdavidson
Posts: 3563
Joined: Thu Oct 14, 2004 6:25 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:18 am



Quoting Confuscius (Reply 1):
Gotta improvise. There are two other useful body orifice.

Four if you include the ears...

Quoting Phoenix9 (Thread starter):
For Valentine's Day

Flowers: $ 50
Dinner and Movie: $100
Hotel room afterwards: $ 150

The look on your face when she says she has her period: Priceless!

Those Priceless jokes and commercials are so played out. I'm glad someone still finds them amusing.

Quoting Don81603 (Reply 9):

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

 rotfl 
"My first job was selling doors, door to door, that's a tough job innit" - Bill Bailey
 
seemyseems
Posts: 363
Joined: Fri Jan 02, 2009 12:42 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:19 am



Quoting 2H4 (Reply 12):
Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?







...











...











...













...



A: Because she was a woman.

LOL!! hahahaha!
 bigthumbsup 
seemyseems
 
FlyDeltaJets87
Posts: 4479
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:51 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:53 am



Quoting 2H4 (Reply 12):

Want to hear a funny joke?



































Women's Rights  biggrin 



(While you're getting your own flack jackets, can you grab me one too?  wink  )
"Let's Roll"- Todd Beamer, United Airlines Flight 93, Sept. 11, 2001
 
Phoenix9
Topic Author
Posts: 2042
Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 8:25 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 2:02 am

Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Student: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

-----

Wife read a book and tells her husband, a bull boinks 300 times a year. You don't do quarter of that.
Husband: Does the book say the bull boinks the same cow?

-----

Girl: What is the first thing that you look at in a woman?
Guy: Depends on wheather she is coming or going.

----

Question. What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur?
Answer. A Lickalotopuss.

----

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a b!tch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b!tch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (As he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call a man a son of a b!tch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a b!tch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes,
father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a b!tch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a b!tch."
Girl: "Then he pumped me fast and furious..."
Priest: The priest pumps her fast and says "Thats no reason to call him a son of a b!tch."
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "Ahh... Thats no reason to call him a son of a b!tch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A B!TCH!!!"

-----

At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word “service.”

The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations, Customer Service, City Public Service, and I became confused about the word “service.” This is not what I thought “Service” meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull “Service” a few of his cows.

WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those “Service” agencies are doing to us.
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
787seattle
Posts: 335
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2008 5:34 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 2:05 am

A Blonde and a Brunette were in an elevator with a man. They both noticed he had some dandruff on his shirt, but were too nice to say anything to him about it.

Once he finally got out two floors later, the Brunette said, "Wow, somebody should give that man some Head n Shoulders" and the Blonde replied, "How do you give shoulders?"
Student - KELN
 
ACDC8
Posts: 7270
Joined: Thu Mar 10, 2005 6:56 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 6:53 am

Great thread!

Just got this as an email:

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium(symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Ad ministratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.


Not nearly as funny as most of the above jokes, but still good for a chuckle Big grin
A Grumpy German Is A Sauerkraut
 
Femme
Posts: 453
Joined: Thu Sep 21, 2006 4:55 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:17 am

A small Irish boy was lost at a large shopping mall in Dublin.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

Jamesons whisky , Guinness and women with big t**s.'


 Big grin
Women don't have hot flushes, they have Power Surges....
 
dragon6172
Posts: 800
Joined: Sat Jul 14, 2007 9:56 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:26 am



Quoting ACDC8 (Reply 21):
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

Love it! This is one of my favorites:
A Scientific Proof of Hell

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.
Phrogs Phorever
 
rleiro
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2006 12:54 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:46 am

Here's mine:

After many years analyzing the rising of Chavez to power and the reaons of his apparent flawless popularity, I've reached the conclusion that this is due to his similatity to a p*ssy:

- His hair is curly... like a p*ssy.
- His lips are thick...like a p*ssy.
- And has such a power to convince... like a p*ssy.

Saludos,

Roberto.-
A proud SVZM Spotter!
 
User avatar
Revelation
Posts: 14472
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2005 9:37 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:19 pm

[Straps on flak jacket, helmet and steel athletic cup]

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: Why bother, there's a clock on the stove!

[Wishes he had crawled into an Abrams tank first]
Inspiration, move me brightly! Light the song with sense and color.
Hold away despair, more than this I will not ask.
Faced with mysteries dark and vast, statements just seem vain at last.
Some rise, some fall, some climb, to get to Terrapin!
 
Airboeing
Posts: 212
Joined: Fri Apr 29, 2005 8:32 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 2:49 pm

- "Doctor, I have memory problems"
- "Ahh, since when ?"
- "Since when what ??"
Some times my English is purely fonatiks...
 
ANITIX87
Posts: 2960
Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2005 4:52 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 4:28 pm

1) Why doesn't a women need an umbrella?
It never rains between the kitchen and the bedroom!

Also, for a really good, good laugh, fmylife.com.

I'm addicted since my sister showed me yesterday.

TIS
www.stellaryear.com: Canon EOS 50D, Canon EOS 5DMkII, Sigma 50mm 1.4, Canon 24-70 2.8L II, Canon 100mm 2.8L, Canon 100-4
 
User avatar
SOBHI51
Posts: 3761
Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2003 1:32 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 4:41 pm

In advance for my Lebanese friends this is just a joke.


How materialistic Lebanese are??

A Lebanese gentleman living in Dubai parked his brand-new BMW in

front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on
the driver's side.

The Lebanese immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed the police, and
within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the Lebanese started screaming hysterically as some of his office colleagues reached the scene too. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the Lebanese finally wound down from his ranting and raving, The policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief... 'I can't believe how materialistic you Lebanese are,' he said.

'You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.

'How can you say such a thing?' asked the Lebanese.

The policeman replied, 'Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.

'Oh My God!' screamed the Lebanese.

'Where's my Rolex?
I am against any terrorist acts committed under the name of Islam
 
corocks
Posts: 1123
Joined: Thu Feb 01, 2001 8:57 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Wed Feb 18, 2009 10:13 pm



Quoting Revelation (Reply 25):
[Straps on flak jacket, helmet and steel athletic cup]

How long does it take a woman to have an orgasm?
>
>
Who Cares?


What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
>
>
A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you use it.


What do a moped and a fat chick have in common?
>
>
They are both fun to ride until a friend sees you.
 
WunalaYann
Posts: 2128
Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2005 12:55 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Thu Feb 19, 2009 2:03 am



Quoting Confuscius (Reply 1):
There are two other useful body orifice.

In the ears???? Eeeeeeewwww.  biggrin 
 
Phoenix9
Topic Author
Posts: 2042
Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 8:25 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Thu Feb 19, 2009 2:21 am



Quoting WunalaYann (Reply 30):
In the ears???? Eeeeeeewwww

Or the nose???  Big grin


Here are a few more:

Question. What do women and tax forms have in common?

Answer. Men love to cheat on them.

----
Santa: What kind of a wife do you want?

Johnny: Exactly like moon, which appears in the night and disappears in the morning!

---
Question. What is the difference between Poetry and Essay?
Answer. Any Word uttered by a Girlfriend is Poetry while anything said by a Wife is an ESSAY!

-----

Chinese track coach was asked how they are producing such fast runners.
Coach: It’s really quite simple, we use real bullets in our starting guns!

----

Two men named Cecil and Scott live together. One very hot day, Cecil walked into the kitchen and found Scott with his butt up to the refrigerator.
Cecil said, "Scott, what the heck is your butt doing in the refrigerator?"
Scott said: "Because I wanted you to have something cool to slip into."  duck 
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
ACDC8
Posts: 7270
Joined: Thu Mar 10, 2005 6:56 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Thu Feb 19, 2009 4:01 am



Quoting WunalaYann (Reply 30):
Quoting Confuscius (Reply 1):
There are two other useful body orifice.

In the ears???? Eeeeeeewwww.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvxWdnu9iDE

:D
A Grumpy German Is A Sauerkraut
 
Springbok747
Posts: 4007
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2004 9:13 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Sat Feb 21, 2009 8:47 am

http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/jalopnik/2009/02/Take_A_Ride.jpg

http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/jalopnik/2009/02/Political_Promises.jpg

http://www.habeeb.com/images/funny.photos/funny_0017_moving_tip.jpg
אני תומך בישראל
 
1stfl94
Posts: 1082
Joined: Fri May 12, 2006 12:33 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:10 pm

A blonde gets onto a plane and sits down in a first class seat. A stewardess comes over and sees the blonde's economy class ticket and says to her
'excuse me madam but your ticket is for economy class' as she points to the back of the plane
The blonde flutters her eyelashes and responds
'I'm blonde, I've got a good job and I'm staying here until we get to Jamaica'
The stewardess is taken aback and goes and gets the Purser who comes over and says to the blonde
'Look, your ticket is economy, your seat is at the back of the plane'
Yet again the blonde flutters her eyebrows and says
'I'm blonde, attractive, have a good job and I'm staying here until we get to Jamaica'
The Purser decides to go and get the Captain. The Captain comes over to the blonde and whispers in her ear. Immediately she stands up, grabs her bags and quickly goes to the back of the plane. The stewardess and the purser ask the captain
'How did you get her to do that?'
The Captain responds
'I told her the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica'

Another aviation one although I'm pretty sure its been heard before

It is just after takeoff and a captain is about to do his PA to the passengers
'Ladies and gentlemen we are now at our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet and expect a smooth flight'
He then puts down the mic and turns to the first office
'All I really need know is a coffee and blowjob'
Unfortunately the captain has not switched off his mic and this is heard throughout the cabin. As a stewardess runs up to the cockpit to tell the captain what has happened a passneger calls out
'Your forgot the coffee'

A non aviation one now

Why do blonde's like BMWs
Because they can spell it.
 
trident3
Posts: 989
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2001 7:10 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:53 pm

'MI5 have uncovered an Al-Qaeda terror plan involving bombs concealed in tins of Alphabetti spaghetti. A top level nation wide search is underway to find and destroy the deadly tins. MI5 Deputy Director General Sir Rupert Smithe-Collingwood said':

"It is vitally important that we track down these tins of spaghetti with the utmost urgency. We are asking the public to report any suspect tins to the police, but please do not be tempted to disturb them."

Asked how dangerous the tins could be, Sir Rupert said:

"Very dangerous - in fact if one of these tins of Alphabetti spaghetti were to go off in a crowded supermarket - it could spell disaster."





13 year old dad Alfie Patten has just joined 'Fathers for Justice'. He doesn't understand the politics of it, but he thinks the spiderman costume is '***kin brilliant.
"We are the warrior race-Tough men in the toughest sport." Brian Noble, Head Coach, Great Britain Rugby League.
 
Phoenix9
Topic Author
Posts: 2042
Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 8:25 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Sat Feb 21, 2009 5:41 pm

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
fatmirjusufi
Posts: 1708
Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 1:28 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Sat Feb 21, 2009 8:06 pm

Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down.

The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink
1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood
2nd Vampire: I want a double shot
3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water

So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.

The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".
DO FLIGHTS. NOT FIGHTS.
 
Phoenix9
Topic Author
Posts: 2042
Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2007 8:25 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Sun Feb 22, 2009 5:25 pm



Quoting FatmirJusufi (Reply 37):
the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".

Naaasty!




Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
 
ual757
Posts: 745
Joined: Thu Sep 28, 2006 12:58 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Sun Feb 22, 2009 5:48 pm



Quoting FatmirJusufi (Reply 37):


oh my lord haha thats nasty
 
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akiss20
Posts: 798
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:50 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:10 pm

Haha lame vampire one ahead:

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a blood." the second one says, "you know what? I'll have a blood too" last one says "I think i'll just get a plasma." Bartender looks at them and says "Let me makes sure I get this right. Two bloods and a blood light?"

:D You may now proceed to die from lameness
Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are
 
metroliner
Posts: 847
Joined: Sat Jan 20, 2007 4:35 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:48 pm



Quoting FatmirJusufi (Reply 37):
"I'm making tea



Quoting AKiss20 (Reply 40):
Two bloods and a blood light?"

These actually made me laugh out loud... Big grin
Set the controls for the heart of the Sun
 
fatmirjusufi
Posts: 1708
Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 1:28 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:52 pm



Quoting AKiss20 (Reply 40):
Two bloods and a blood light?"

 rotfl  rotfl  rotfl  Go Vampires jokes. hahaha Big grin
DO FLIGHTS. NOT FIGHTS.
 
787seattle
Posts: 335
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2008 5:34 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Sun Feb 22, 2009 10:17 pm



Quoting Trident3 (Reply 35):
"Very dangerous - in fact if one of these tins of Alphabetti spaghetti were to go off in a crowded supermarket - it could spell disaster."



Quoting AKiss20 (Reply 40):
Two bloods and a blood light?"

kneeslappers


Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"


 duck 
Student - KELN
 
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akiss20
Posts: 798
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:50 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Sun Feb 22, 2009 11:00 pm



Quoting 787seattle (Reply 43):
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"


duck

I'd done the flame suit if I were you. Some here seem fanatical about their celebrities
 Big grin

I was surprised to see my joke get such a good reception! When I heard it I just groaned.

Alright here is one I thought was funny, warning it is political, but you can substitute any politician you want in it.

So Tim dies and goes to heaven. He is standing before the pearly gates and walks over to St. Peter. As he approaches, he notices that there are tons and tons of grandfather clocks all around, but they all appear to read different times. Some don't work, some are moving slower than others, very strange stuff. Tim approaches St. Peter and says

"Hey Pete, whats with all these clocks?"

"Why Tim, they are lie clocks. Every person gets a lie clock when they are born and it reads 12:00 AM. Everytime you lie, it counts one minute."

"Oh really?"

"Yes. This one here is Mother Teresa's. As you can see it still reads 12:00, meaning she never lied."

"Oh cool!"

"Indeed. This one here is Abraham Lincoln's. As you can see it reads 12:02, meaning he lied only twice in his life."

Suddenly Tim starts to look around as if he was searching for something.

"Tim, what is it that you are looking for?" asks St. Peter

"I'm looking for George Bush's lie clock, but I can't seem to find it!"

"Oh don't worry Tim. Jesus has it in his office, he is using it as a fan"

hehehehe....
Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are
 
Curtisman
Posts: 938
Joined: Tue Jun 07, 2005 11:31 pm

RE: Share A Joke...

Mon Feb 23, 2009 4:02 am

As bad a joke as this is; it is still my favourite.



What kind of bees make milk?



...
...

...


Boobies!



hahahahahhahaha
Citizen of the World
 
Springbok747
Posts: 4007
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2004 9:13 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Mon Feb 23, 2009 5:10 am

Slumdog Millionaire won best picture at the Oscars. Now that is a real joke.
אני תומך בישראל
 
787seattle
Posts: 335
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2008 5:34 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Mon Feb 23, 2009 5:16 am



Quoting Springbok747 (Reply 46):
Slumdog Millionaire won best picture at the Oscars. Now that is a real joke.

prepare to be  flamed . That was a pretty good movie in my opinion.
Student - KELN
 
don81603
Posts: 1105
Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:07 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Mon Feb 23, 2009 5:08 pm

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
FlyDeltaJets87
Posts: 4479
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:51 am

RE: Share A Joke...

Mon Feb 23, 2009 6:36 pm



Quoting Revelation (Reply 25):
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: Why bother, there's a clock on the stove!

Q: Why don't women need a driver's license?
A: Because there aren't any roads between the bedroom and the kitchen

Q: What should you do if the dishwasher stops working?
A: Bitch slap her and tell her to get back to work

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: That questions irrelevant. The real question is "What is she doing out of the kitchen?"

Quoting AKiss20 (Reply 44):
"Oh don't worry Tim. Jesus has it in his office, he is using it as a fan"

I haven't heard that joke since the Clinton days but that's a good one.  biggrin 


After many years of struggle and threats, President Bush and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad decide hold peace talks. Bush flies to Tehran and as he sits down at the conference table, he notices three buttons on Ahmadinejad's chair but thinks nothing of them. A few minutes into the meeting, Ahmadinejad pushes the first button and a fist comes out of the table and hits Bush in the face. Bush is aching with pain while Ahmadinejad rolls on the floor with laughter. Bush shakes it off and the meeting continues. About five minutes later, Ahmadinejad pushes the second button and a boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Bush grabs his shin while Ahmadinejad is rolling on the floor with laughter. Another five minutes go by and Ahmadinejad pushes the third button and this time Bush is hit in the smack in the balls. Again Ahmadinejad is rolling on the floor with laughter. Bush finally recovers, gets up and says "I've had enough of this. You come to Washington in two weeks and we'll discuss the peace negotiations from there." So two weeks go by and Ahmadinejad flies to Washington and when he arrives in the Oval Office, he notices three red buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the aches and pains. A few minutes into the meeting, Bush pushes the first button and Ahmadinejad cringes in anticipation of what is about to occur but nothing happens, however, Bush is rolling on the floor with laughter. Bush finally settles down and the talks continue. Then Bush pushes the second red button. Ahmadinejad cringes again in anticipation but nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in laughter. The same thing happens a few minutes later when Bush pushes the third button. Ahmadinejad then stands up and says "I've had enough of this! I'm going back to Tehran!" to which Bush replies "What Tehran?"  biggrin 
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