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Aviation Humor

Thu Nov 12, 2009 9:13 am

Airline Humour

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the F/A, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Heard during a passenger briefing prior to departure...
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aeroplane..."

And, after landing...
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

Military Humour

"In a hurry are we, sir?"

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The 'boys in blue,' upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target acquisition computer had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed.

How was that?

A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interesting flying because of their manueverability, acceleration and the like. The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Watch," he tells them.

After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."

"Beam me up Scottie."

The loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was trans-mitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS:

LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"

Followed shortly afterward by:

ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"

General Aviation Humour

Several planes were running up and waiting to take off, many Cessnas including a 337. With all the students and several similar call signs, the
controllers were getting a tad confused. The controller finally asked:

"Cessna 123YZ, are you the Skymaster?"

A slightly confused voice with an indeterminate accent replied, after a moment: "Well, my instructor says that I am very good, but I do not think
that I would yet be considered the 'Skymaster'.

ATC Humour

Sometimes ATC can be a little too rapid in their rate of speech...

DCA clearance delivery responded to a request for an IFR clearance with a rapid-fire clearance that went on and on, with various VORs, fixes, altitudes, etc. After a pause, a voice came back, in a slow Texas drawl, OK, now why don't you'all say that again, real slow, as if it mattered.

A pilot was attempting to deal with New York, and the controller shot everything out a mile a minute. The pilot came back with "New York, you hear how fast I'm a-talkin'? Well, that's how fast I'm a-listnin'".

Another pilot obtaining a clearance from the Trenton controller who shot back "Trenton, you can repeat that, oh, about ten times. Or you can say it again once... slowly."

ATC: "Alpha Bravo Charlie... Say altitude."
Pilot (feeling frisky): "Altitude."
Pilot: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "Say 'Canceling IFR'."
Pilot: "Level 8000"

Pilot to Tower: "Can you give me a rough time-check?"
Tower: "It´s Tuesday, Sir"

ATC: "DAA - What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilot Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes, not years."

The 10 most common aviation lies

1. I have no interest in flying for the airlines
2. All that turbulence spoiled my landing
3. I broke out right at minimums
4. We shipped the part yesterday
5. It just came out of annual - how could anything be wrong
6. I've got the traffic in sight
7. Of course I know where we are
8. If we get a little lower I'm sure we'll break through
9. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons
10. The other instructor told me to do it like that

How do you know if a pilot is at your party? He'll tell you.

Cabin announcement. "Folks, we have someone celebrating his 65th birthday today by taking his first flight." {round of applause follows} "So on your way off the plane, be sure & stop by the cockpit and wish Capt. Jones a Happy Birthday."

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 to make a three sixty (a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a one-eighty in this aeroplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange Between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and stopped.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

General humour

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight which need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: You're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a Midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


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Btw, my 1st thread!
Keep flying, because the sky is no limit!
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RE: Aviation Humor

Thu Nov 12, 2009 9:44 am

Welcome on board Jayeshrulz; it's a great way to start - and thanks for the laughs! With the way the airline industry sometimes seems to be going, we need some laughs!

I have a few favourites:

A retiring Aer Lingus pilot once said, "when I started my career, flying was dangerous and sex was safe".

Pilot to controller, who was trying to get airliners to slow down:
"Do you know the stall speed of a 727 with 30 degrees of flap?!!"
"No ... but ask your co-pilot, he should know".

Female controller, quite irate at pilot chatter:
"OK, all just shut up for a moment!"
Sheepish reply ... "say, wasn't I married to you once?"

Pilot, talking to colleague, accidentally left his mike on.
"I'm f*****g bored!"
Shocked ATC officer calls gruffly: "Aircraft who made last call, identify yourself immediately".
Reply: "I said I was f*****g bored, not f******g stupid!!"

One of my all time favourites:
Another pilot who left his mike on, said to be Australian, for some reason:
"Ah, you know what I could do with now ... a nice hot sheila and an ice cold beer".
Shocked, stewardess at back galley runs to cabin ...
Pax says: "Don't forget the ice cold beer!"

Airport fireman attending the crash landing of a Fokker F27:
"Ah, it's the end of a beautiful Friendship".

Famous old British captain, O P Jones, listening to controller exchanging sweet nothings with a female pilot, gets a bit annoyed, then as the controller asks his lady friend to describe herself, he buts in ...
"Six foot four, torpedo beard, blue eyes, would you like my number?"
"Then can I have the weather report for Nairobi!"

No doubt many more old stories out there!
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RE: Aviation Humor

Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:11 pm

A man takes his seat next to a very nervous lady.
"Are you afraid of flying?"
"Yes. It's terrifying to leave ground and climb such way up"
"Well, don't worry. No one stayed up there forever..."
Of course I love you. Now get me a beer.
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RE: Aviation Humor

Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:38 pm

Quoting Kaitak (Reply 1):
Welcome on board Jayeshrulz; it's a great way to start - and thanks for the laughs! With the way the airline industry sometimes seems to be going, we need some laughs!

thanks Kai tak.

i have some more for you guys.

A blonde gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

There was a Cessna 172 taxiing to the active for takeoff when he found himself nose to nose with a Boeing 737, ATC said "Cessna give way to Boeing", "Delta Flight 1742, the Cessna will give way to you proceed to active", before the Delta flight had time to respond the Cessna came back on the raidio and said "Uh... this is Delta Flight 1742, we're going to let our little buddy go ahead." So as their waiting for takeoff ATC asked Delta flight where he was going, Delta responded "Where ever our little buddy is going"

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah, " the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach. "

Please share more.We really need some lighter laughs at this time of Aviation!!

[Edited 2009-11-12 04:39:24 by jayeshrulz]
Keep flying, because the sky is no limit!
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RE: Aviation Humor

Thu Nov 12, 2009 1:02 pm

These are all hilarious! Some I had seen before but they still made me chortle. Thanks for posting!  Wink
Aer Lingus Air Berlin Air France Air Transat British Airways BA Cityflyer Cityjet Flybe Futura Jetstar Asia Lufthansa Monarch Ryanair SAS Skyservice Swiss
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RE: Aviation Humor

Thu Nov 12, 2009 1:05 pm

It is said that the best three things in life are a good orgasm, good bowel movement and a good landing. You experience all three during a night carrier landing.
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RE: Aviation Humor

Thu Nov 12, 2009 4:12 pm

Quoting Aerdingus (Reply 4):

Ah ure most welcome!
Keep flying, because the sky is no limit!
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RE: Aviation Humor

Thu Nov 12, 2009 4:43 pm

My favourite tech report has to be:

Crew: Autoland very rough on this aircraft
Tech: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
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RE: Aviation Humor

Thu Nov 12, 2009 5:25 pm

Funny ATC / pilot exchange:

Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
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RE: Aviation Humor

Fri Nov 13, 2009 3:37 am

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a read out of its ground speed."90 knots"

Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout" There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.

As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph for people who don't know)

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.


In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.

------------ --------- --------- -------

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,

"Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "Broomstick One". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.

Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A C-5 crew was taxiing and there was a 747 holding short of the active. The C-5 crew taxied behind the 747 and one of the crew keyed up and asked, "Hey there little buddy, how much do you groww?" The 747 Captain keyed up and said "About $200,000 a year!"

Many, many more I am sure and I still laugh at these all! I hope I did not repeat any!

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to mankind, landing is the first!
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RE: Aviation Humor

Fri Nov 13, 2009 3:47 am

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to mankind, landing is the first!
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RE: Aviation Humor

Fri Nov 13, 2009 3:55 am

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to mankind, landing is the first!
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RE: Aviation Humor

Fri Nov 13, 2009 3:58 am

I believe I have heard all of these, but still laugh at a few.

The one many have never heard of:

Pilot coming into BJC at night: "Guess who"

Controller at BJC (turning off the airfield lights): "Guess where"

Short but sweet and earned the poor bastard (controller) a month at the bottom of the tower after the union negotiated a suitable punishment.
By reading the above post you waive all rights to be offended. If you do not like what you read, forget it.
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RE: Aviation Humor

Fri Nov 13, 2009 4:03 am

I have a morbid, non-PC sense of humor, but allegedly this happened at JFK in the 80s after PA103. It might be urban legend, but whatever...

An LH flight had just left the gate and wanted permission from ground to taxi. Then something like this exchange occurred.

LH: Lufthansa ***, we must hold, we cannot account for a passenger that should be on board.

Short delay without other radio traffic...

Random call: Did you check the ovens?

As the story goes, Lufthansa was so irate they made the FAA pull tape and pin down the source. It was an FE or FO with TWA who was severely disciplined by the airline.
America's chickens are coming home to rooooost!
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RE: Aviation Humor

Fri Nov 13, 2009 4:04 pm

For you pilots out there:

The most plausible scientific theory is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.

An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

Airlines have really changed, now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins.

Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers & helicopters -- in that order -- need two.'

There are only three things a copilot should ever say:
1. Nice landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.
3. I'll take the ugly one!

There are only three things a wingman should ever say:
1. Two is up.
2. Lead you are on fire.
3. I'll take the fat chick.

As a pilot, only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will.
a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your
last flight.
b. One day you will walk out to the aircraft not knowing that it is
your last flight.

There are Rules and there are Laws. The Rules are made by men who think that they know how to fly your airplane better than you. Laws (of Physics) are made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.

About Rules:
a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance. (e.g., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge).

The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.

To become a jet pilot, one must be an egomaniac with low self esteem.

The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.

Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.

Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full!

He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool.

There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night, over water or rugged terrain.

The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits.

Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys, but not for those who still are.

Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.

Forget all that stuff about lift, gravity, thrust and drag. An airplane flies because of money. If God had meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.

Hopefully a pilot never runs out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time!!!

'If the Wright brothers were alive today Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs.' --President of DELTA Airlines.

In the Alaska bush I'd rather have a two hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.

It's not that all airplane pilots are good-looking. Its Just that good-looking people seem more capable of flying airplanes. Or so seasoned observers contend. A matter of self-confidence? No doubt, no doubt.

I've flown in both pilot seats, can someone tell me why the other one is always occupied by an idiot?

Son, you're going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot. You can't do both.

You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, and you weren't nauseated by the food. So you're grateful.

New FAA Motto: We're not happy, till you're not happy.

Any runway behind you is of absolutely NO USE!!!
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RE: Aviation Humor

Fri Nov 13, 2009 5:33 pm

The Rules of Flying

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.

4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A “good” landing is one from which you can walk away. A “great” landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start your flying career with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
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RE: Aviation Humor

Fri Nov 13, 2009 5:54 pm

What is the difference between God and a pilot?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.

What's the difference between a pilot and a 737?
The 737 quits whining when it parks at the gate.

What's the difference between a puppy and a pilot?
The puppy quits whining when it gets older.
"A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary"----Fred Allen

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