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STT757
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Divorce Experiences?..

Thu Feb 25, 2010 4:42 pm

Not to go into detail but I would like to hear some folks divorce experiences, how did it come about. How tough was it, and did things get better after the divorce?.. Is there life after divorce.

FYI..

I'm currently married, no kids.
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Fly2HMO
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Thu Feb 25, 2010 5:11 pm

I'm just 25 and not married but my parents just had a divorce of sorts. They've been married for over 30 years and my dad decided to move out 3 months ago because he doesn't want to put up with my mom's crap anymore and honestly I don't blame him, she's quite a handful and has MANY issues and I'm very surprised it took him this long to do it. Long story short I've been coping with it well but the one thing I can't stand is living with my mom on my own now. She was and still is devastated by my dads sudden departure (but we all still see each other frequently) so now it was me that had to put up with my moms problems and drama. Not to sound cold but I can only take so much and she has to learn from her mistakes. It's not an "official" divorce and they both pledged to not see anyone else for the time being. But yes there is somewhat of a life. My mom keeps hoping my dad comes back but I don't see that happening. The damage is already done.

Anyways, so obviously you're considering divorce, and seeing you have no kids, that makes things MUCH easier. Assuming she's not a gold digger that wants to keep all your money I believe it would be pretty much like breaking up with a GF, but don't quote me on that.
 
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Aaron747
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Thu Feb 25, 2010 5:16 pm

My parents were together 12 years before calling it quits over dad's incessant womanizing - my father has been married four times since and just ended #5 with Thai wife #2. The only lesson I learned from all that was that my marriage would never work unless I found a woman into open relationships - fortunately I did.   
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kappel
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Thu Feb 25, 2010 5:25 pm

I got divorced myself about three years ago after three years of marriage. We were together for about 10 years and have a daughter. It was really tough for me. For her too she says.... The reason was that we grew apart, she a bit farther than I, lol.

Yes, there's life after divorce. Took me about two years to realize, but there is. And since about a month we have regular contact again and are planning to hang out with our daughter sometime soon. She has had a relationship for about two years already while I'm still single. I wasn't really interested in meeting someone new until recently though. So now we'll see what happens. So far our daughter has been coping pretty well, but she was 7 during the divorce. She's 10 now and we are noticing some changes in her attitude. She blames my ex for the divorce (and rightly so, haha). But so far no big issues.
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tommy767
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Thu Feb 25, 2010 7:40 pm

My parents got divorced when I was 14 and basically broke every promise to keep the communication lines open. Made it a huge burden on me and my sister to communicate between parents. My Mom and Dad were completely oblivious to how hard it was (or still is.)

Currently I'm on good tides with my Dad and his Mother but I'm not on speaking terms with my sister or Mother. My mom is basically a bad person who is crazy and is out to sabotage me. I live in CA and don't go home to NJ very often. Divorce is nasty and has takes an emotional toll on everyone involved. I'll make sure the one I marry is right for me.
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casinterest
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Thu Feb 25, 2010 7:44 pm

Quoting STT757 (Thread starter):
Not to go into detail but I would like to hear some folks divorce experiences, how did it come about. How tough was it, and did things get better after the divorce?.. Is there life after divorce.

I have never been through it, but have seen many do it.
Can't say what your relationship with her afterwords will be, as that depends on the two of you. The fact that you are pondering a divorce tends to indicate that you have less in common than you originally thought.


Good time as any to get out of there if there is a reason to go. . Just be prepared for Alimony if she makes signifigantly less than you and a 50/50 split of the Marital assets.
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vandenheuvel
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Thu Feb 25, 2010 8:24 pm

My parents divorced when I was 12 years old.

It took my mom only a couple of months to continue her life with another man. (her employer). My dad is still waiting to find a nice lady.

That said, there is life after a divorce. Also for children.

My parents do really fine now. They still see each other and threat each other with some respect. Yet this wouldn't happen if they didn't have children.

I have to say a divorce sometimes is the best thing to do.

[Edited 2010-02-25 12:27:13]
 
mirrodie
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:05 pm

Brings to mind a quote I've seen here.

Remember KROC? IIRC, his profile asked "why is divorce so damn expensive? Cause its worth it."

At the end of the day, that is what it comes down it, isn't it?

I can't say I know directly the answer but I have an in-law who may be contemplating the same. He's barely 6 months married but to a real pill. To give an example, he is real tight with his cash and she is blowing his $$ on $2500 watches. She wanted Acura b/c that is what she's used to but he got her Honda instead. Plus there are other problems that have to deal with his mother and his wife BUT he has yet to grow a pair and put each in their respective places. So its ultimately his problem.

What glows in my mind though is that he made the remark last week to my wife: "yesterday was a good day. I didn't break anything." here this guy is breaking things and punching walls. Not a healthy situation.

In the scenario without kids, I know some great outcomes and I know some terrible outcomes. But I can say the same about scenarios where kids are involved.

One thing to ask: What is life after divorce? Is a friendship wanted? I suppose your question does have to relate to the underlying reason for the divorce.

Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 1):
My mom keeps hoping my dad comes back but I don't see that happening. The damage is already done.

Sorry to hear.

Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 1):
They've been married for over 30 years and my dad decided to move out 3 months ago because he doesn't want to put up with my mom's crap anymore

Again, sorry to hear.
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texan
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:28 pm

Quoting Tommy767 (Reply 4):
Divorce is nasty and has takes an emotional toll on everyone involved.

Agreed. I can only add to the childhood side of divorce and what I saw in my parents after the divorce. My parents separated after 20+ years of marriage and two kids. It was mom's first marriage and dad's second. Still don't really know what happened to cause it.

For the kids it is hell. We blame ourselves, try to shoulder the burden, and often try to act as communicators between the parents. This puts us in a very awkward situation. We end up having to be the adults in the situation. When you are the older sibling, you often feel added pressure to "be the man of the house" if your father is no longer in the house. So now you are a kid trying to be a kid, brother, and substitute father, at least a few days per week. It bites at you for years.

As far as my parents, they are both better off not married to each other. One remarried, the other never has. They both seem relatively happy and are civil to each other. It takes a toll if there are kids involved because at least one of the parents is going to be separated from the kids for the majority of the time. Not sure how it is when no kids are involved.

While divorce sucks and is usually painful for everyone involved, it is often for the best. There is life after it for everybody, assuming they want to have a life after divorce.

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Revelation
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Thu Feb 25, 2010 11:03 pm

Last things first:

Quoting STT757 (Thread starter):
I'm currently married, no kids.

That's a huge factor. As you are reading here, divorce is much more difficult for everyone involved if there are kids.

Quoting STT757 (Thread starter):
how did it come about.

Like Kappel, we grew apart. I wouldn't say it was her more than me, I'd just say it was different ways.

We had a lot of common goals when we started out together, and after ten years they diverged and showed little signs of converging in any sort of a compatible way.

Quoting STT757 (Thread starter):
How tough was it,

I was married for 11 years, and the last two were in crisis mode.

Both of us knew we were growing apart, but were willing to talk (and yes, scream) about it over those two years.

The benefit was that by the end of it we were at peace about why it was ending and what the process would be like.

We didn't have to sort all that out at the lawyer's offices at $$$$/hour.

If you think you can get things to the point where everyone is at peace about what's gonna happen, I do suggest getting a 'do it yourself' divorce kit and doing the paperwork yourself.

Once lawyers are involved things usually change totally, because the lawyers make the most money when things get stretched out.

Quoting STT757 (Thread starter):
did things get better after the divorce?.

Different. If nothing else, a friendship/partnership that lasted for 9 or so years had ended, so I felt that loss.

In our case we remained friendly till she decided to leave town and then she drifted out of my life.

Quoting STT757 (Thread starter):
Is there life after divorce.

Sure. As everything, it is what you make of it.

For the first year or two I really thought the best thing to do was to get into another relationship.

Then one Saturday morning I woke up and realized, hey, no one is pissed off at me!  

I've met several women since I've divorced but I haven't meet one that will take a good amount of responsibility for her own happiness. So I have a few different lady friends that I do things with, but don't get too close because I don't want to be responsible for their happiness. When they get too down and grumpy I skulk away till they start showing some signs of happiness again, and if not, oh well.

If the right one comes along I'd go for it, but I think it's fair to say the pain of a divorce makes you reluctant to try again, and the same can be said for most of the women I know. Thus the match has to be really good for both people to get past their reluctance.

In the mean time, I've been doing dinners, day trips or weekenders with lady friends and we both have a good time almost of the time.

Quoting Tommy767 (Reply 4):
Divorce is nasty and has takes an emotional toll on everyone involved. I'll make sure the one I marry is right for me.

And make sure you keep working at it. Both of you change with time. If you don't work on it all the time you wake up one morning and realize you've drifted apart. If you start sensing the drift, get right on it right away asap before it can't be reversed. If you can't be bothered, then get ready for divorce.

Quoting vandenheuvel (Reply 6):
I have to say a divorce sometimes is the best thing to do.

Indeed. I'd say the same for my parents - it was the best thing for them and for us. OTOH I'm glad my mom chose to stick it out till both me and my brother were in our late teens, since by that age we could both see the unhappiness and come to the realization it was the best thing. That's a lot harder for younger kids to do.
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UltimateDelta
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Thu Feb 25, 2010 11:36 pm

My parents divorced about 5 years ago after 18 years. I guess this was a 'lucky' case (if that's possible) because we still see my dad regularly (who has since remarried) and they still talk to each other. I recall that all the proceedings and things went exceptionally smoothly and I know my dad tried to make it as easy as possible for everyone.

Oh, and we all get along great with my new stepmom, which is always good (Stepsisters...well, it varies   )
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don81603
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 12:20 am

I got married in March 1991, caught her in bed with a co-worker in Feb 2001. Packed my clothes in 4 duffel bags and walked out the door. A year later, I gave her a second chance. 2 weeks after we started together again, she took a 2 week trip with another coworker. I just walked away, and paid the $645 for the divorce. She wanted to go after half my income, but when I told her she could have it, but she'd have to liquidate all the marital assets, she dropped it fast. Thankfully, we had no kids. Since then, I've traveled some, saved some money, and gotten some decent possessions... The kind I wanted. In the passing of time, I've heard through the grape vine that she has since been remarried, and divorced again (her third). Yes, the divorce was definitely worth it.
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4holer
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 12:22 am

I survived mine, though I did have a hard time of it. We also had no kids, and stayed pretty civil through it (not that she deserved civility).
It just takes some time to sort out all the thoughts and emotions you have raging at the same time inside you.
But eventually the stormy seas subside and in the smooth water of the storm's wake you can see yourself again.
And you'll begin to paddle forward.

Looking back at it from almost 6 years space (wow), the woman I thought I'd spend my life with is in the same bin as the ex-girlfriends that preceeded her; a cluster of memories that that I never really think too much about anymore.

Good luck to you.
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tommy767
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 1:04 am

Quoting Don81603 (Reply 11):
I got married in March 1991, caught her in bed with a co-worker in Feb 2001. Packed my clothes in 4 duffel bags and walked out the door. A year later, I gave her a second chance. 2 weeks after we started together again, she took a 2 week trip with another coworker. I just walked away, and paid the $645 for the divorce.

Thats a shame man. I always had a very bad gut feeling that my Mom cheated on my Dad with another co-worker. I had never called my mom out on cheating until this past christmas over a nasty, blame-filled phone conversation. When I did she didn't say no, she just said "Tommy don't go there, he was a good friend" or something stupid along those lines. Perhaps if my Dad was more with it at the time he could have caught her doing it. My mom started sleeping in a different bed within the same house back in 2001-2002 and she had her little cell phone and would talk to that same guy every night before going to bed. My dad paid the bill back then and he took the cell phone away from her one time and she cursed him out. She was almost caught red handed.

Quoting Revelation (Reply 9):
And make sure you keep working at it. Both of you change with time. If you don't work on it all the time you wake up one morning and realize you've drifted apart. If you start sensing the drift, get right on it right away asap before it can't be reversed. If you can't be bothered, then get ready for divorce.

It's a very important trait to consider with marriage. I'm 22, will be turning 23 in July and already 1 of my friends is married and another one on the way this summer. I hope they are not being foolish and keep the faith going for many years. I always felt after a bad breakup I had with a girlfriend last year that these single-years of being in your early 20s is something to have fun with.

Quoting texan (Reply 8):
For the kids it is hell. We blame ourselves, try to shoulder the burden, and often try to act as communicators between the parents. This puts us in a very awkward situation. We end up having to be the adults in the situation.

I still complain about divorce and the nerve of my Mom for telling me to get over it on several occasions. She never had a clue. Well, that last thing I want is to become a bitter, wretched, man-eating 54 year-old woman that destroyed my family and is only out for herself and nobody else. She's not a happy person deep down inside and thats too bad.
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Dano1977
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 1:13 am

Realised where i went wrong during my marriage... i said "I DO" at the church alter   

Then it all went downhill from then on...
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 1:31 am

I have no intention of ever getting married or having kids, so I don't expect to ever have a divorce experience. I'm a complete whole human being all by myself, and my gf of 2 years is ok with that for the moment. As long as she doesn't get pregnant I should be safe... 
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OA412
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 1:58 am

Let me first say that I have never been married so this is just my take on dealing with friends and acquaintances who have gone through divorce. I also know a lot of couples who have been married for many, many years who are thoroughly unhappy and should have just called it quits ages ago, but are still in married (in name only) due to children, societal/family pressure, etc. Ultimately, it's a personal decision and each the cost/benefit anaylsis is going to be different for each person. If the marriage is still salveagable, then by all means try and work it out and if you're still not happy, go your separate ways. Honestly, I really do think that, in some cases, divorce really is the best possible solution.

Quoting Aaron747 (Reply 2):
My parents were together 12 years before calling it quits over dad's incessant womanizing - my father has been married four times since and just ended #5 with Thai wife #2. The only lesson I learned from all that was that my marriage would never work unless I found a woman into open relationships - fortunately I did.

Good lord! What I don't understand about people in your father's situation is why women continue to marry them? Do they really think that this time it's going to last?
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kiwiinoz
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 2:39 am

I married a girl when I was 26 and she was 23. We had been together about 4 years at that point but it never really worked out. We went our seperate ways, amicably after about 2 years. To be honest, I think splitting up came as a relief for both of us. We never had big fights, and there wasn't some defining reason, (like an affair, etc). I think we both just felt we were wasting our time.

I still keep in touch with her quite a lot. A little awkward sometimes but mostly fine. We have a lot of mutual friends.

Since making that decision, life has improved for both of us in a big way. With the benefit of that experience, we both went on to be with people much more suited, and have both started families, (funnily enough, within a few months of each other). I caught up with her in November and were both very pleased to see how happy each other was.

I'm sure it doesn't happen this way every time, but for us, best decision we made was to pull the pin and start over. Don't do it too late.
 
mirrodie
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 2:44 am

Quoting Revelation (Reply 9):
responsibility for her own happiness.

Dude, you have truly earned my respect with that one quote. Years ago I used to run retreats and I did some talks and workshops based on a book called "Happiness is an Inside Job." What is so IMPORTANT is that people take responsibility for their own happiness. And I think that not many people do.

Quoting Don81603 (Reply 11):
She wanted to go after half my income,

Wow, sorry to read that you had to go through that twice and I commend you for giving a second chance, and turning your cheek just once.


Lots of good perspectives in this thread. Also, this thread is proof that many here perhaps may benefit from therapy.
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kmh1956
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 2:52 am

I've been a divorcee longer than I was a married woman...my divorce was, possibly, the best thing to happen to me. My ex was abusive from the first day of the honeymoon (not before that, or course, he thought he was marrying money...HAH!).
Granted, most of the abuse was emotional/mental, but there was a black eye that to this day I can''t explain...

When we separated, we had a 5-year-old daughter. You really have to weigh up whether or not your child would be better in a household with two parents who fight all the time or in a household with just one of those parents, and no fighting...

Fortunately, I got out of my marriage alive...
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STT757
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:53 am

Quoting mirrodie (Reply 18):
I did some talks and workshops based on a book called "Happiness is an Inside Job." What is so IMPORTANT is that people take responsibility for their own happiness. And I think that not many people do.

Could you expand more on this?..
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HAWK21M
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 9:16 am

listening to the posts ...... I just feel real bad for the kids involved.Why do Parents not live for their kids....A small sacrifice for a few years until they are grown up.Noticed one partner will be unfaithfull & why.
If you don't like someone why get into it.....if there are kids involved.Think of the kid first before betraying your partner.
I don't blame the Innocent partner though.

I guess people like to live their ways..........

A Happy kid is worth more than gold....My opinion.

regds
MEL.
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kappel
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:45 am

Quoting Revelation (Reply 9):
If you start sensing the drift, get right on it right away asap before it can't be reversed. If you can't be bothered, then get ready for divorce.

Couldn't agree more.

Quoting 4holer (Reply 12):
It just takes some time to sort out all the thoughts and emotions you have raging at the same time inside you.
But eventually the stormy seas subside and in the smooth water of the storm's wake you can see yourself again.
And you'll begin to paddle forward.

Very well put, it sounds very familiar.

Quoting Tommy767 (Reply 13):
I always felt after a bad breakup I had with a girlfriend last year that these single-years of being in your early 20s is something to have fun with.

Agreed, I really don't get those folks that get married before they even hit 20. You're just way too young. I got married at 26 and in hindsight, that was even too early (for me).

Quoting mirrodie (Reply 18):
What is so IMPORTANT is that people take responsibility for their own happiness

Agreed, that is something I learned after the divorce. I always thought I need a woman to be happy. I was wrong! Now I am happy by myself, so now I am ready for a new relationship.

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 21):
A Happy kid is worth more than gold....My opinion.

I agree, I always blamed my ex that she didn't seem to think about the consequences for our daughter at all. Only recently did she admit she should have done more to save the marriage. But now it's too late... no way in hell I'd take her back!!
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kiwiinoz
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 11:04 am

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 21):
listening to the posts ...... I just feel real bad for the kids involved.Why do Parents not live for their kids....A small sacrifice for a few years until they are grown up.Noticed one partner will be unfaithfull & why.
If you don't like someone why get into it.....if there are kids involved.Think of the kid first before betraying your partner.
I don't blame the Innocent partner though.

I guess people like to live their ways..........

A Happy kid is worth more than gold....My opinion.

An interesting and common approach. Not one I had to consider as we didn't have kids

However, staying together for the sake of the kids is not without it's own risks. It depends on how far/badly the relationship has deteriorated, and the subsequent ability of the parents to maintain a positive family environment.

I definitely have friends from homes where I really feel they would have been better off had the parents divorced, rather than try and hold it together. If someone's early perception of a loving partnership is formed by observing their parents, then surely this can be negatively affected by a pair of parents putting on a "show"

I think every case would be different when considering this. If the situation is fairly amicable and merely a case of things fizzling out, I would be inclined to stick together for the kids. If it's more a case of wanting to rip your own eyes out with a fork whenever you see your partner, probably better to split up, despite the kids.
 
seb146
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 4:39 pm

I am the child of divorced parents, technically. My parents never should have stayed together as long as they did, anyway. Their divorce was finalized in early 2001. They split in 1994 and lived in separate apartments all that time. They got on much better, during that time. For a few years, they even worked together. They were adult about the whole thing, too. They never pitted my brothers and I against them. As divorce goes, I had a good experience. I was not living with either one of them and one of my brothers got married (and still is) during that time. There was a lot going on that a councelor would have been a great help with. Mom would call me and complain about stuff that dad would do, but I never felt it was my place to say anything to him. She would always start her calls with "I just want someone to listen..." I took her at her word. Sometimes, I would simply put down the phone and walk away while she was talking.

I read these letters in Dear Abby and other advice columns where the kids hear divorced parents complain about the other parent, then the child goes running to the other parent and says "Guess what dad/mom just said about you!" I think that adds way too much stress to any separation. Yes, I am suggesting that, sometimes, the kids bring on the drama.
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tu204
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 5:04 pm

I'll add a bit of humour to this otherwise sad topic: I am getting married tomorrow, in about 14 hours...My soon to be wife just saw me reading this topic...God I wish I had a camera near me to capture her facial expression!  
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Fly2HMO
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 5:21 pm

Quoting KiwiinOz (Reply 23):
It depends on how far/badly the relationship has deteriorated, and the subsequent ability of the parents to maintain a positive family environmen

My dad confessed to me he would have divorced much earlier if it wasn't because of me and my brother. The way I look at it it's a loose-loose situation for the kids. If the parents stay together you feel first hand all the fights and drama. If they split at an early age then you have the awkwardness of having parents living in different housing or even more awkward, step moms or step dads. Either way it's going to take a huge toll on the kids.

Quoting KiwiinOz (Reply 23):
I definitely have friends from homes where I really feel they would have been better off had the parents divorced, rather than try and hold it together. If someone's early perception of a loving partnership is formed by observing their parents, then surely this can be negatively affected by a pair of parents putting on a "show"

True. When I returned home from being away from college I noticed how I had a disturbing amount of bad traits that my mom has (extreme cynicism, pessimism, and overall pissy moods) but unlike her I at least recognize those problems. Of course, being subjected to so much torment really makes me wonder if I should ever bother getting married. I've had terrible luck with women as it is. But that's another can of worms...
 
mirrodie
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Fri Feb 26, 2010 8:42 pm

Quoting STT757 (Reply 20):
Quoting mirrodie (Reply 18):
I did some talks and workshops based on a book called "Happiness is an Inside Job." What is so IMPORTANT is that people take responsibility for their own happiness. And I think that not many people do.

Could you expand more on this?..

Some years ago, while I was dating this girl, I had read that book. Ironically, the more I read it, the more I realized that the person I was then dating was using me to keep her happy, though not consciously.

She was from an affluent family, good parents (very old world, old school Sicilian (sp?) upbringing...think My big Fat Greek wedding....that family, but louder), she was good in school, and an all around very nice person. But the dynamics in her family constantly made her unhappy. She'd call me up all hours and I was there for her. But I didnt realize, at that moment, that it took its toll on me. Come to think of it, we dated for 2 years and had to keep it secret from her parents.....

She was always unhappy. And the family always had Effin CRAZY blowouts. On one Xmas eve, my mom got home and asked what my GF was doing sitting outside in the car. Huh? Little did I know that she had a blowout with her parents on Xmas eve and then drove over to my house and just sat in the parked car for 45 minutes before my mother noticed her out there. When I asked what happened, she told me about some fight involving her brother and she threatened her folks with, and I quote, "Don't be surprised if you have to head to a funeral tomorrow AM!" and stormed out the door. So she was threatening suicide to her family. Then Christmas morning, I didnt hear from her for hours.... until she finally called to say her grandfather died that Christmas morning. YIKES.

Anyway, this gal was not happy but constantly told me how much she needed me. And I used to have to try and tell her the difference. No one NEEDS anybody. One can WANT a lot of people (Lord knows I have) but if one can't stand on their own 2 feet without a NEED for another being to fill that void, there's a problem there.

She had low self esteem and I was constantly trying to lift her up. She was never really happy with herself and that is where it begins.

The point is she was using me to fill her void, to give her happiness. And some relationships are like that, its an unfortunate dependence on another human being. That took its toll on me, which I didnt realize at the time.. A buddy of mine was in the same position back then. But that has to come from within.

is that making sense, STT?

Quoting Tu204 (Reply 25):
I am getting married tomorrow

Hey congrats. Its great work.

Quoting Kappel (Reply 22):
I always thought I need a woman to be happy. I was wrong! Now I am happy by myself, so now I am ready for a new relationship.

You know, I think I did as well and that book may have related to me too at the time. But then again, there was this one time, in 1999 I think, where for 2 weeks, I had no school, no job and no woman to call my own....Probably one of the best, most memorable friggin 2 weeks I can remember.
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chrisair
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 12:20 am

Does anyone know why divorces are so expensive?

.....


Because they're worth it.

 
 
don81603
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 12:35 am

Quoting aerorobNZ (Reply 15):
I have no intention of ever getting married or having kids, so I don't expect to ever have a divorce experience. I'm a complete whole human being all by myself, and my gf of 2 years is ok with that for the moment.

Famous last words... Said them myself, many times. "I ain't getting married, I'll just date until I die". Yeah, okay... Great plan, but the plan is usually the first casualty after contact with the enemy.  
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wn700driver
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 1:21 am

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 21):
I don't blame the Innocent partner though.

No such animal. When it comes to divorce/marriage, it really does take two people to truly f things up.

Quoting mirrodie (Reply 27):
Some years ago, while I was dating this girl, I had read that book. Ironically, the more I read it, the more I realized that the person I was then dating was using me to keep her happy, though not consciously

Yeah, I got type rated in a debbie downer like that a few years back. Our divorce is still on going, I can't seem to go a week without notice some hearing or other, and it just seems to get worse everyday. But, I know what I dont sleep next to anymore, and that's worth all the bad-tasting medicine in the world.

Valuable, off topic lesson: Never ever believe any man or woman who claims to hate drama. If they feel the need to mention it, it's probably what fired them from their last relationship.
Base not your happiness on the deeds of others, for what is given can be taken away. No Hope = No Fear
 
Fly2HMO
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 1:24 am

Quoting WN700Driver (Reply 30):
When it comes to divorce/marriage, it really does take two people to truly f things up

I'm not too sure about that one. That's certainly not the case with my parents. Sure my dad isn't perfect but I say my mom has at LEAST 80% of the blame.
 
tpa36r
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 2:19 am

Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 31):
I'm not too sure about that one. That's certainly not the case with my parents. Sure my dad isn't perfect but I say my mom has at LEAST 80% of the blame.

However if your dad would have taken the time to really know that this was the issue before marrying your mother, you wouldn't be here would you?

Now I'm not saying your dad DIDN'T per se, however those problems just don't come up over night. Even the best bullshitter has faults and show their true self sometimes.

You can't place blame strictly in one direction. No matter which way you go.
 
wn700driver
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 4:26 am

Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 31):
I'm not too sure about that one.

You might be right. But I tell myself otherwise, so's I don't get all self righteous about my particular case, which from what my lawyer tells me, is a real doozie. . .

In all seriousness, I know I got snowed by someone who is, opportunistic, let's just say. But even before hindsight really kicked in, I pretty much saw it coming a parsec away. So I guess my half of this particular f up, like your for your dad, is exceptionally poor judgement,  
Base not your happiness on the deeds of others, for what is given can be taken away. No Hope = No Fear
 
Fly2HMO
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 5:09 am

Quoting TPA36R (Reply 32):
however those problems just don't come up over night.

True. I mean my mom was the one that proposed to my dad basically, even I know that would be a weird sign, and I'm much much less experienced in regards to number of GFs at my age vs what my dad had at my age lol. Its more complicated than that of course.

Quoting WN700Driver (Reply 33):
In all seriousness, I know I got snowed by someone who is, opportunistic, let's just say.

Heh, sounds like a several females I wish I never met   


By the way, I find it interesting that it seems like the ladies are the ones that usually create most of the problems and drama...   
 
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OA412
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 7:14 am

Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 34):
By the way, I find it interesting that it seems like the ladies are the ones that usually create most of the problems and drama...

There are definitely a lot of overly dramatic men, but as someone whose coworkers are roughly 75% female, I can definitely vouch for the fact that some women eat, sleep, and drink drama.
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kiwiinoz
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 8:18 am

Quoting chrisair (Reply 28):
Does anyone know why divorces are so expensive?

.....


Because they're worth it.

I think it was Rod Stewart that once said, "Next time I'm considering getting married, rather than waste time I will just go out and find a woman that I don't like and give her a house"
 
Type-Rated
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 9:05 am

And in some financial situations it's "cheaper to keep her".
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WildcatYXU
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 3:59 pm

Quoting Kappel (Reply 22):
Quoting Revelation (Reply 9):
If you start sensing the drift, get right on it right away asap before it can't be reversed. If you can't be bothered, then get ready for divorce.

Couldn't agree more.

I agree too. I went trough a "near divorce experience" last year. We really grew apart in last few years and we were on the verge of calling it quits (after 20 years). But then we somehov decided to try it again and started to work on converging back. It seems to be working, but it's a slow and painstaking process. With the luxury of hindsight I may say that it would be much easier just prevent this kind of situation.

Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 26):
The way I look at it it's a loose-loose situation for the kids. If the parents stay together you feel first hand all the fights and drama.

That was the first thing we decided to avoid when we started it again. So far successfully. The only exception being the day when I told her about the Altima  
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Aaron747
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 4:39 pm

Quoting OA412 (Reply 16):
What I don't understand about people in your father's situation is why women continue to marry them?

He's been madly in love with just about all of them - he just doesn't have the ability to close his heart to more I suppose. Though in fairness to him my mother freely admits that she knew he was unsatisfied for years and did nothing about it as she pretty much lost her libido after my younger brother was born.

Quoting OA412 (Reply 16):
Do they really think that this time it's going to last?

He's always had the income to spoil rotten, and that often goes a long way toward convincing some women. Most guys don't take flings on a weekend jaunt to the South Pacific.
If you need someone to blame / throw a rock in the air / you'll hit someone guilty
 
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HAWK21M
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 5:23 pm

Quoting Tu204 (Reply 25):
I'll add a bit of humour to this otherwise sad topic: I am getting married tomorrow, in about 14 hours...My soon to be wife just saw me reading this topic...God I wish I had a camera near me to capture her facial expression!  

Congrats...Maybe this thread can be an influence on you both not to make the same mistakes other couples have  
Quoting WN700Driver (Reply 30):
o such animal. When it comes to divorce/marriage, it really does take two people to truly f things up.

not to sure that can be stated as ideal.......

regds
MEL.
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aerorobnz
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sat Feb 27, 2010 10:19 pm

Quoting Don81603 (Reply 29):
Famous last words... Said them myself, many times. "I ain't getting married, I'll just date until I die". Yeah, okay... Great plan, but the plan is usually the first casualty after contact with the enemy

I'm not the serial dating type, and I don't believe in marriage, it's a religious ritual and if I chose to have a non-religious ceremony there would be no point cos the point is to be joined in the eyes of God - who I don't believe in. In non-religious terms it is a financial contract where you agree to combine income/debt and basically halve your independence,and if I was to sign a prenuptial agreement you may as well not bother because you're effectively saying "I love you, but i don't trust you not to screw me for all I'm worth" etc

I've survived 2 years in the same relationship quite happily - if marriage/children becomes such an issue that it gets in the way of the relationship then I will move on. It's not about 'getting serious' as I take it very seriously. I don't want kids or marriage under any circumstances. I have other priorities in life other than stability and security.
I'm a cold, selfishly motivated person who puts my own needs above all else. Any marriage with me in it would end in divorce, so it really isn't worth it in the long run.  
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mirrodie
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sun Feb 28, 2010 5:23 pm

Quoting mirrodie (Reply 7):
Remember KROC? IIRC, his profile asked "why is divorce so damn expensive? Cause its worth it."

Already noted  
Quoting WN700Driver (Reply 30):
I got type rated in a debbie downer like that a few years back.

Clever choice of words.

Quoting WN700Driver (Reply 30):
Valuable, off topic lesson: Never ever believe any man or woman who claims to hate drama. If they feel the need to mention it, it's probably what fired them from their last relationship.

Lots of pearls of wisdom here for the OP to consider.

That said, I found a link to the book I mentioned. I read it back in.....prior to Sept 1997. I wasn't reading it for myself but as the background for some talks I was giving at the time. In reading it, it helped me understand people a bit better. Honestly, ti was a book she should have read but the problem is people have to come to realizations themselves.

http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Inside-Job-John-Powell/dp/0883473240

Tom, assuming this relates to you, I really wish you clarify of mind and heart in whatever decisions you arrive at.
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Revelation
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Sun Feb 28, 2010 5:58 pm

Quoting Tommy767 (Reply 13):
I'm 22, will be turning 23 in July and already 1 of my friends is married and another one on the way this summer. I hope they are not being foolish and keep the faith going for many years. I always felt after a bad breakup I had with a girlfriend last year that these single-years of being in your early 20s is something to have fun with.

I'd put it another way. People change an awful lot in their 20s. It's really for both people to go through these changes and still be compatible with each other by the time they've gotten to their mid-late 30s or so. Not saying it's impossible, but it's hard. One or both partners needs to be aware of the changes and adjust the relationship as time marches on.

Quoting mirrodie (Reply 18):
Dude, you have truly earned my respect with that one quote. Years ago I used to run retreats and I did some talks and workshops based on a book called "Happiness is an Inside Job." What is so IMPORTANT is that people take responsibility for their own happiness. And I think that not many people do.

Thanks for the compliment!

Quoting kmh1956 (Reply 19):
Fortunately, I got out of my marriage alive...

Sorry to hear you and your daughter had to go through that. Having a good relationship is hard enough, adding in mental and physical abuse makes it impossible.

Quoting STT757 (Reply 20):
Could you expand more on this?..

Most people are like Pavlov's dog, ring a bell and they salivate, give them a compliment and they're happy, give them an insult and they're mad. Instead we need to process the inputs that come our way and consciously decide what they mean, decide how important they are, decide what the cost is of the typical knee-jerk reaction. Why should I give away my happiness for free to someone else just because they insulted me? Why should I let some childhood incident take away my happiness forever? If I can get rid of that pain with forgiveness isn't it worth it, even though the person may or may not deserve the forgiveness?

Taking responsibility for your happiness means doing the work needed to get to a state of happiness then doing the work to protect it.

The first part quite often involves a lot of forgiveness. This can seem hard to do, but the cost of holding on to resentment is high too. Some times you can find a new way to look at things that will make it easier for you forgive, other times you'll just decide the pain of holding resentment just isn't worth it any more, and you give unconditional forgiveness. Some times you realize the person causing the pain isn't suffering about it one bit at all (and perhaps are even dead!) yet you still are suffering.

The second part is more about living in the present moment. When someone says or does something that you might feel can take away your happiness, deal with it immediately. Decide if it couldn't be some sort of misunderstanding, and see if perhaps asking a few questions for clarity's sake could change things. Decide if the reason you're unhappy is what they actually said or did, or whether it's because what they say or did didn't meet your expectations, and then make sure your expectations make sense. Decide that you won't just automatically be unhappy because it's your responsibility to defend your happiness.

A current friend holds all kinds of resentments from things her parents did 40 years ago. I doubt they are aware that these things caused any issues at all since they were poor parents, and I don't know even if they are alive any more, but I do know she's paying a huge price each and every day. When something doesn't go her way, she says, see, I'm getting screwed over again, just like my parents did to me blah blah blah. She's an attractive, brilliant, and energetic person, but the resentments she holds and the fact that she frames everything that happens in relation to those events holds her back tremendously and is a major turn-off to those in her life.

You can't change the past, but you can change your reaction to the past. You can't change the present, but you can change how you react to the present.

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 21):
Why do Parents not live for their kids....A small sacrifice for a few years until they are grown up.

I now have a lot of friends from your part of the world and I see that it's quite normal for parents to live for their kids. Here in the US from what I see us adults want to have enjoyable and successful careers, great social lives, great opportunties to travel and then we hope kids fit into that picture. Quite often they don't, so we get mad at ourselves, mad at our partners and mad at our kids. I am not a parent, but I have many friends that are. Some truely do put the kids first. Others say they do, but in fact do not, far from it. And another group even openly complains about the kids even with them in the room.

Quoting Kappel (Reply 22):
Agreed, that is something I learned after the divorce. I always thought I need a woman to be happy. I was wrong! Now I am happy by myself, so now I am ready for a new relationship.

No one makes you happy. You can't make someone else happy. At best you can make an environment where someone else can be happy, but it's still up to them whether or not to be happy.

Quoting KiwiinOz (Reply 23):

However, staying together for the sake of the kids is not without it's own risks. It depends on how far/badly the relationship has deteriorated, and the subsequent ability of the parents to maintain a positive family environment.

I definitely have friends from homes where I really feel they would have been better off had the parents divorced, rather than try and hold it together. If someone's early perception of a loving partnership is formed by observing their parents, then surely this can be negatively affected by a pair of parents putting on a "show"

I can see both sides of it. My parents stayed together till we were in our late teens. As bad as things were, I still had a mother and a father as a part of my day to day life. I think I'm better off for it. Now if there was physical abuse, incest, etc then things would be different.

One friend got divorced when his kids were in the 8-10 yo range. Their mom got custody. Her drinking problems got worse. She wasn't bad enough to get the state to intercede (which they really don't want to do) but they were enough to change the personalities of the kids, especially the younger one. I think he wishes he stuck it out to try to give the kids a more normal (but admittedly less than ideal) childhood. He could have protected them from the mother more, he could have been able to get them out of the house more, he could have documented her problems and gotten custody himself.

Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 26):
My dad confessed to me he would have divorced much earlier if it wasn't because of me and my brother. The way I look at it it's a loose-loose situation for the kids. If the parents stay together you feel first hand all the fights and drama. If they split at an early age then you have the awkwardness of having parents living in different housing or even more awkward, step moms or step dads. Either way it's going to take a huge toll on the kids.

Agreed. There's no one-size-fits-all answer.
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mirrodie
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Tue Mar 02, 2010 2:30 am

Honestly, I think Revelation may have read the book I set forth. Its been years since I read it but I took away a few basics tenets from it that really made sense and I just infused it into my life.

And having just read Revelations remarks, I think he read the same book. Some of his points were the same as I read in the book. He has given some very wise input.

And I don't know what brought you here. But whatever happens, look into the book and I think you may take something from it.

Right now, I am watching someone else's marriage fall apart, a couple who is married over 30 years. There are a lot of variables, mostly financial and years of enabling behavior by one spouse has now fed a LOT of resentment and yet they are still together, living separate lives under the same roof. Their kids are grown but one of them lives at home and is watching the drama unfold. I think the economics of divorce is keepin the status quo but we shall see what happens.
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TheRedBaron
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RE: Divorce Experiences?..

Tue Mar 02, 2010 4:56 am

Quoting Tommy767 (Reply 4):
Divorce is nasty and has takes an emotional toll on everyone involved. I'll make sure the one I marry is right for me.

Correct, when kids are involved things get nasty most of the time.

Quoting texan (Reply 8):
For the kids it is hell. We blame ourselves, try to shoulder the burden, and often try to act as communicators between the parents. This puts us in a very awkward situation. We end up having to be the adults in the situation. When you are the older sibling, you often feel added pressure to "be the man of the house" if your father is no longer in the house. So now you are a kid trying to be a kid, brother, and substitute father, at least a few days per week. It bites at you for years.

That sums it up. Divorce makes a lot of kids miserable.

Quoting Revelation (Reply 9):
I've met several women since I've divorced but I haven't meet one that will take a good amount of responsibility for her own happiness.

Man! that is the best insight I have heard in a LONG TIME, congrats you have the keys to hapiness yourself

Quoting Revelation (Reply 43):
You can't change the past, but you can change your reaction to the past. You can't change the present, but you can change how you react to the present.

That´s another home run, you are correct. My respects man!
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