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The A380 - What Do We Know?

Thu Jun 17, 2010 2:11 am

What do we know about the A380?

I have to say, some of the threads of late have unearthed some absolutely vintage A380 debate, and I thought it might be worth doing a little summary of the things I've found out about the A380 since i've been on here. Pretty interesting stuff.

1 - The A380 was never designed to make money.

2 - The A380 will never make money.

3 - The A380 vanity project cost more to develop than the GDP of most African countries, many of which are starving and war torn.

4 - The A380 only exists because Europeans are jealous of the Americans.

5 - It is actually against the law for any airline to make a profit while using an A380.

6 - Any profits made using A380s are not "real" - they are just a sign of suspect accounting policies.

7 - The A380 can only be fuelled with BP JetA, as befitting its status as a planet killer and environmental terrorist.

8 - Nobody has ever flown a 747 with as many seats in it as an A380 normally offers.

9 - Any orders for the A380 are actually reciprocal trade deals.

10 - Any airline that does fly the A380 but not the free A330s it got with them is obviously guilty of grand theft aero.

11 - The A380 was the gunman on the Grassy Knoll.

12 - The A380 is not subject to the market forces of the world airline industry, as there is no such thing - it is subject to the market forces of the US airline industry as that is all there is, has been, and ever will be.

13 - The A380 can only land at Edwards AFB in the US like the Space Shuttle, and a couple of other airports. That's it.

14 - Atlanta do not want the A380 and will never pay to build some A380 gates because it is against Georgia State Law to fly one there.

15 - It is a Class C felony to think about buying the A380. The FBI are watching.

16 - The A380 is very ugly because a load of 14 year old kids who have never even spoken to a girl let alone a woman, and so have no concept whatsoever of true beauty in the flesh, say so.

17 - It can take more than two hours to disembark a full A380 on arrival at the stand.

18 - US Airports that do have A380 service are thinking of offering bunks and sleeping bags at the A380 baggage carousels, because it takes such a long time to unload 397 metric tonnes of luggage.

19 - All that luggage means that the A380 carries about the same amount of bellyhold cargo as a CRJ700.

20 - Airlines do not want the A380 because it can only carry about the same bellyhold cargo as a CRJ700.

21 - CRJ700s look cooler anyway.

22 - There have been a few instances of an unfortunate brain disease that has manifested amongst the fleet planning departments at some airlines. Symptoms include dribbling, inability to pronounce one's name, occasional fits of floor tantrums whilst screaming about the film "Papillon", and a desire to order the A380.

23 - Said disease has no cure, but can be treated by canceling in favour of something else. As long as its not an A340.

24 - You are 47% more likely to be killed in a midair collision whilst riding on an A380 because they carry more passengers.

25 - Global warming is at least partially A380s fault. (but mainly BP's)

26 - Emirates are planning to open up a very interesting A380 museum in 2015 because they'll have realised how daft it is to order so many.

27 - Americans refusing to fly the A380 or any airline that does is one of the main reasons why it will fail miserably. Without the American flying public, there can be no success.

28 - Delta, UA/CO and AA - three of the largest airlines in the world. The A380 cannot succeed without the backing of the biggest airlines in the world.

29 - Air France never wanted theirs either but are obliged to order it under French law because it safeguards German jobs... oh wait....

30 - Virgin will never take their A380s and were only on a wind up the whole time. That Branson chap was only having a laugh.

31 - BA will not be around by the time their A380s are ready, due to strikes, not being as good as Continental, LHR being congested, and their name being far too similar to BP's, meaning that Congress will probably ban them from flying to the US.

32 - Singapore Airlines feel really daft now and wish they'd spoken to the Anet armchair CEOs first before ordering that pointless second batch.

33 - China is a nation of a couple of dozen people who have the money to fly, and several billion mud eating peasants who will never have the money to fly anywhere, so China Southern buying A380s was quite badly thought out actually.

34 - Japan's population is shrinking ergo it will not ever need anything larger than, say, a 747-8i.

35 - It can take up to eight hours to be served a meal in economy class on the main deck of an A380. There is a good chance you probably will not get fed on one if you are flying Transatlantic. What's the point of free cooked food and drinks and snacks and stuff if you cant get served them? Much better to fly on a narrowbody where nobody wants them because: A) they are crap, B) they are thrown at you by surly F/A's, and C) you have to pay for them. You are at least guaranteed some food!

36 - The break even point of the A380 programme is actually a very simple equation. If the number of A380s sold at any given point is X, and Y = 40%, and break even point is Z, then the equation is X + Y = Z. Simples!

37 - it is not a given that a city pair that supports multiple 747 or 77W flights per day can ever support one A380 profitably.

38 - not being able to guarantee 110% load factors year round on available traffic is a perfectly acceptable reason not to buy an A380 and represents a massive risk. You can actually go to prison for taking such risks!

39 - the Exxon Valdez oil spill was actually the fault of the A380 because had it not been for it's cost cutting and malpractice, the spill would never have... Oh wait sorry that's BP as well.

40 - being anti-A380 is a bit like having a Republican bumper sticker.

41 - the A380 is just like a really big A345 only less attractive to airlines.

42 - the A380 is unlikely to do as well as Concorde and will probably Peter out like the European waste of money vanity project it is, just like the Concorde. (yes, seriously)

43 - the A380 needs super heavy status which means following aircraft have to be either 50 miles behind or in the next state, whichever is further. It actually causes more congestion than it solves.

44 - the US airline market is years ahead of the rest of the world because the US has been flying airliners longer than everyone else. This means that in 20 years we'll all have parked up the A380 white elephants and be getting to Dubai or New York on regional jet shuttles of no more than 50 people per flight, that depart every 10 minutes in both directions. Remember Tower Air and PanAm? Those idiots thought big planes were the way to go as well and look what happened to them!

45 - the A380 is outdated already because it doesn't have the latest engines, extensive use of composites, or those cool chevron thingys on the engines. Old technology man.

46 - the A380 may well be the last all iron and steel commercial airliner. It is certainly the last with a vertical stab made of paper mâché like the rest of the Airbus line.

47 - Thai only wanted the A380 because they could pay for it in tuna. One whale jet for every tonne of tinned tuna? Or should that be one dolphin per tonne of tinned tuna?

48 - if an A380 should ever land at an airport not certified for it's use, the ground will open up and swallow it whole or at the very least the passengers would have to sit there trapped as normal air stairs do not reach the lower deck. They are at least half an inch too short. It would be suicide.

49 - passengers traveling on an A380 cannot tell the difference between that and a Triple seven even if they did, they would prefer the Boeing because the cabin noise is comforting. Who wants to listen to screaming babies and drunk flight attendants having sex in the crew rest area, when you can be listening to screaming GE90s instead?

50 - The A380 cannot succeed. Ever. Regardless.

51 - the A380 is the favourite plane of Fidel Castro, Kim Yong Il, Edi Amin and the entire board of BP. FACT.

52 - the storage next to the bulkhead seats is a very cynical idea. It is actually a ploy to collect accidentally left ipads and cameras and selling them on eBay. Cynical or what?

53 - if Snakes on a Plane had happened on an A380 it would have been a very short and boring film because no self respecting snake would ever be seen on an A380. They would be hiding in shame.

54 - every time you book a flight on an A380 God kills a kitten.

55 - Chuck Norris hates A380s.

56 - there is no "a380" in "sustainable"

57 - Emirates ordering almost a hundred of them doesn't really count as they are not a proper airline who get their fuel for free, pay their staff in camels and are not required to make a profit.

58 - Emirates only ordered them because Leahy showed them a model of a triple seven with two more engines sellotaped on.

59 - you are statistically 64% more likely to have a bad or unenjoyable flight if you are scheduled on an A380. No explanation. You just are.

60 - Boeing could have built something better than the A380 if they wanted to but they didn't feel the need to share a VLA market that is only worth about forty odd planes. What's the point?

61 - if you look very carefully in the Emperor's chamber in Return of the Jedi, on an evil plinth behind him, there is an evil model of a gray painted A380.

62 - the 'Imperial March' was actually inspired by watching an A380 push back.

63 - it is an urban myth that the A380 is very quiet. It is actually one of the noisest airliners ever made, it's just that a lot of the noise is out of the human hearing range. Sneaky huh? Ever noticed dogs howling in pain and rolling around on the floor in agony every time Emirates flies over? Now you know why.

64 - ANA flies a 773 that has a lower CASM than an A380 which is conclusive proof that the A380 is a poor second to the mighty triple seven. Proof I tells ya!

65 - the A380 is a cattle car. Other planes have a new plane smell, the A380 has a new cow smell.

66 - the chemtrails people are usually wrong, but the A380 is actually a means for the EU to spread mind altering chemicals over everyone to make them believe that they are not trying to take over the free world. How else do you think they won the USAF tanker contract? Fortunately some people in Congress are immune to their chemicals and have sorted it out, but it was looking a bit worrying for a while.

67 - the A380 uses so much rubber in it's tyres that there is probably going to be a rubber shortage in a couple of years time. That means more babies. Thus, the A380 is directly responsible for the population explosion. Don't kill people, kill A380s!

70 - in about six months time when the first A380 start going to the desert, Pepsi Cola won't be able to make cans out of them because they are not made of high enough quality aluminium.

71 - hub to hub is outdated and obsolete. Only 2% of the world's population live within fifteen miles of the major hubs, so to get to a hub you probably need to get on a plane anyway, so if Delta fly to where you want to go with something non stop, then why go via a hub? These Airbus people have not thought this through.

72 - many people do not know this but the A380 was originally designed as something you scared your kids with if they were naughty. " stop hitting your sister or I'll be booking you on an A380" - THATS parenting folks.

73 - Etihad only bought theirs because Emirates bought some. Qatar are the same. That's no reason to buy planes.

74 - the A380 is actually like Kriptonite for airlines' bottom lines.

75 - Qantas have a despatch reliability rate on their A380 of between 10 and 15%, depending if the Sydney Morning Herald are nearby.

(guys it's only a bit of fun. We need some more light hearted humour around here. No offence to anyone concerned. Reposted from the CivAv forum)

[Edited 2010-06-16 19:34:06]
What do you mean you dont have any bourbon? Do you know how far it is to Houston? What kind of airline is this???
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RE: The A380 - What Do We Know?

Thu Jun 17, 2010 2:23 am

Quoting CHRISBA777ER (Thread starter):
depending if the Sydney Herald are nearby.

Sydney Morning Herald - just correcting the only error I can see in your post  
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Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 4:52 am

RE: The A380 - What Do We Know?

Thu Jun 17, 2010 2:31 am

Quoting CHRISBA777ER (Thread starter):
11 - The A380 was the gunman on the Grassy Knoll.

This was actually confirmed while Ollie Stone was filming JFK...

Quoting CHRISBA777ER (Thread starter):
55 - Chuck Norris hates A380s.

Chuck Norris roundhouses kicks the A380...that's a fact, man.  
Quoting CHRISBA777ER (Thread starter):
48 - if an A380 should ever land at an airport not certified for it's use, the ground will open up and swallow it whole or at the very least the passengers would have to sit there trapped as normal air stairs do not reach the lower deck. They are at least half an inch too short. It would be suicide.

City of Phoenix actually has an A380 contingency plan if it should ever happen to land here (a WX delay in LAX for instance). So for now, the A380 can land here but only as a contingency. It involves closing taxiways and parking it at the cargo ramp but they can maneuver at least one A380 here.

Now that they are building a people-mover train, one of the main bridges that goes over a major cross-taxiway is already being built NOT to handle the A380 passing underneath it. A 747 will be OK, but the tail is too tall on the A380.

All in all, a funny list.
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RE: The A380 - What Do We Know?

Thu Jun 17, 2010 2:52 am

since this is supposed to be a fun lighthearted post, I just want to say the A380 has always reminded me of The Diva from the film "the Fifth Element"

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RE: The A380 - What Do We Know?

Thu Jun 17, 2010 6:29 am

76 - The cabin is too quiet, that you have to hear your fellow passengers. Something, a real American can't stand.
Wer nichts weiss muss alles glauben
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RE: The A380 - What Do We Know?

Thu Jun 17, 2010 7:07 am

Quoting CHRISBA777ER (Thread starter):
11 - The A380 was the gunman on the Grassy Knoll.

I'm not a photoshop expert or even novice really, but I know many on here are.

You all have your mission.  
Quoting CHRISBA777ER (Thread starter):
55 - Chuck Norris hates A380s.

Chuck Norris is beyond petty emotions like hatred. However, the A380 does hate Chuck Norris due to its extreme jealousy of him.

Edit to make mo bettah

[Edited 2010-06-17 00:09:53]
It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems with just potatoes.
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RE: The A380 - What Do We Know?

Thu Jun 17, 2010 1:07 pm

Quoting CHRISBA777ER (Thread starter):
55 - Chuck Norris hates A380s.

Actually the A380 is just a normal A346, only Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him so bad that it´s swollen up.


P.S. I actually love the A380!
Nos vamos de Vueling?
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RE: The A380 - What Do We Know?

Thu Jun 17, 2010 1:37 pm

The a380 only stays in one piece because the wind is calm.
The a380 only stays airborne because hydrogen is mixed to cabin air. It is part-zeppelin, but that is a secret.

[Edited 2010-06-17 06:40:19]

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