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Joke Thread

Fri Nov 18, 2011 8:37 am

Most jokes are bad and not very intelligent humor. Yet I thought it'd be nice to share a few laughs 'round here. I'll be first..

What are a pedophile's favorite type of shoes?

- White vans
..sick of it. -K. Pilkington.
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RE: Joke Thread

Fri Nov 18, 2011 2:38 pm

While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, "My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."

His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."


After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance. The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change.

As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!"
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RE: Joke Thread

Sat Nov 19, 2011 1:52 am

The Best Way to Break-Up with your girlfriend

You: Knock knock
She: Whose there?
You: Single
She: Single who?
You: Single you
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RE: Joke Thread

Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:32 pm

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.


The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”
.... Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
The Lockheed Super Constellation, the REAL Queen of the Skies!
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RE: Joke Thread

Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:47 pm

One night, a little boy walked into his parents' room and witnessed them having sex. The boy asked, "What are you doing?"

The father tried to think of a non-sexual explanation, "Uh, uh, your mom was low on gas, so I was just filling her up."

The boy replied, "Wow, she must get lousy mileage, I saw the mailman fill her up this morning."
"On spaceship earth there are no passengers...only crew."
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RE: Joke Thread

Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:51 pm

I have a joke for you about bins (trash cans), actually nah I won't say its just rubbish (garbage).

Okay another joke, I'd say only people who know about Walkers Crisps would get this...

There are 2 crisps walking down the street and someone in a car stops and asks them if they want a lift, they say no were Walkers...
3 words... I Love Aviation!!!
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RE: Joke Thread

Sat Nov 19, 2011 10:28 pm

1) What is Michael Jackson's favorite university?

Brigham Young.....

2) Have you ever had Nigerian food? No?

Neither have they....
Our Returning Champion
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RE: Joke Thread

Sun Nov 20, 2011 11:18 am

I just rang the Tinnitus Helpline.

Bloody useless, it just kept ringing and ringing.
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RE: Joke Thread

Wed Nov 23, 2011 5:36 am

Where I live, it was a really rainy summer last year.

Because of the rain last year, biologists have observed that there is now an owl shortage.

Apparently they have concluded that last year for the owls, it was too wet to woo.
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RE: Joke Thread

Wed Nov 23, 2011 1:27 pm

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury." The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jud mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jud's pecker." The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that..."
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RE: Joke Thread

Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:13 am

What do you call an animal mounter who's gone to the University of Aberdeen?

A taxidermatologist...what else?
If you flew today, thank a Flight Dispatcher!
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RE: Joke Thread

Thu Nov 24, 2011 2:34 am

Quoting JAGflyer (Reply 10):

Dont get that one at all lol
(The views on this site are my own and no one elses)
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RE: Joke Thread

Thu Nov 24, 2011 2:44 am

Saw this picture on facebook today. Thought about Anet the second I saw it, I am sure some will understand.

"It was just four of us on the flight deck, trying to do our job" (Captain Al Haynes)
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RE: Joke Thread

Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:06 am

A guy who is pretty drunk is sitting at a bar. He says to the bartender, "gimme one more shot". The bartender says, "no way buddy, I think you've had enough". Just then, the drunk guy leans forward and throws up all over himself. "Oh crap" he says. "My wife is going to kill me! This is a brand new shirt!". The bartender says, "no worries, This is what you do. Take a $10 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When she finds the money and asks what happened, just tell her some other guy got drunk and threw up on you. Then you tell her that he gave you $10 to have your shirt cleaned". The drunk says "that's a great idea! Hey thanks, buddy".

So he goes home, throws his shirt in the laundry and passes out. The next morning he gets up and his wife says, "what happened to your shirt?" He replies, "oh... this guy next to me got himself really drunk, and he threw up all over my shirt! But he said he was going to pay to have it cleaned, so that's why there was $10 in the pocket". His wife looks at him and says, "there wasn't $10 in the pocket, there was $20!"

"Oh yeah, that's because he sh*t in my pants, too"
Aircraft mechanics - because pilots need heroes too!
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RE: Joke Thread

Sat Nov 26, 2011 4:06 pm

Quoting flymia (Reply 12):

Yes, I've seen those around. I chuckle every time I see one...
The 747 will always be the TRUE queen of the skies!
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RE: Joke Thread

Mon Nov 28, 2011 7:27 pm

My rich, lesbian neighbors asked what I wanted for Christmas this year.

They're going away for the holidays, so they gave me the present early. It's a Rolex.

A very generous gift indeed, but I don't think they understood when I said "I wanna watch."
"The only people for me are the mad ones...." Jack Kerouac
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RE: Joke Thread

Mon Nov 28, 2011 7:32 pm

One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist. "I am the pharmacist," she informed him. "Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave. "Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so what is your problem?"

"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?" "I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister," she informed him.

About ten minutes later she came back. "Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $600 a week and half interest in the pharmacy."
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RE: Joke Thread

Mon Nov 28, 2011 7:35 pm

Here's one I heard this weekend:


Who's there?

"If I don't manage to fly, someone else will. The spirit wants only for there to be flying. As for who happens to do it, in that he has only a passing interest."
- R.M. Rilke
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RE: Joke Thread

Mon Nov 28, 2011 7:59 pm

Quoting mbmbos (Reply 17):
Here's one I heard this weekend:


Who's there?


Hah! Took me about 10 seconds to get it.
I'm watching Jeopardy. The category is worst Madonna songs. "This one from 1987 is terrible".
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RE: Joke Thread

Mon Nov 28, 2011 8:44 pm

Quoting vikkyvik (Reply 18):
Hah! Took me about 10 seconds to get it.

I got it in reply 16!   
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana!
There are 10 types of people in the World - those that understand binary and those that don't.
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RE: Joke Thread

Tue Nov 29, 2011 7:23 am

Quoting scbriml (Reply 19):
I got it in reply 16!

Well played Sir!

[Edited 2011-11-28 23:26:07]
When all else fails, fly Martin Baker!
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RE: Joke Thread

Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:41 am

I guess if i'm gonna post in this thread I should add a joke:

A guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper and asks for a strong one. He drinks up and asks for another one. After quite a lot of drinks he walks over to a table where there are two men sitting, talking and drinking. "I'll bet you guys 5000 bucks I can jump out that window and land safely on the street below!"
The two men look at each other then agree to accept the bet. So the drunk walks to the window and jumps out. The two men can hardly believe their own eyes when they see him land safely on the street and again enter the building. "How'd you do it?!" they ask in amazement when he enters the bar again.
"Well, you see." the drunk replies. "There is this ventilation shaft straight below this window, and the stream of air is so strong, it slows you down enough to land safely on the grid. Why don't you try it yourselves?"
So, both the men hurry to the window and jump out, both dying as they hit the pavement.
At this point, the bartender walks up to the drunk and says: "You know what, Superman? You can be a real asshole when you're drunk!"

[Edited 2011-11-29 00:42:30]

[Edited 2011-11-29 00:43:14]
When all else fails, fly Martin Baker!
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RE: Joke Thread

Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:34 am

Some good ones on this thread,

Q: A Greek, an Italian and a Spaniard walk into a bar, and each orders a drink.
Who pays?

A: The German.


A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
Son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Why fly non stop when you can connect
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RE: Joke Thread

Tue Nov 29, 2011 10:06 pm

"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of
draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro
please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over
his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the
barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening
from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -
You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this
frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in
he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00
for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your
laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked
either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on
the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will
be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink
and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10
every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free,
until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".
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RE: Joke Thread

Sun Dec 04, 2011 12:08 am

From "The Fast Show" - a classic UK sketch show. The character Swiss Tony says to his protege Paul:

"Paul, putting up a tent is like making love to a beautiful woman. Put up your pole, undo the zip and then slip into the old bag."

One recently sent to me by a friend:

Q: What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse?
A: Marscapone.
✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
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RE: Joke Thread

Fri Dec 09, 2011 2:36 pm

Saw this photo in the database this morning, and thought of a caption.

View Large View Medium
Click here for bigger photo!

Photo © Alexander K.

Captain of the Kingfisher A330 in the background: "Folks, uhh, we're a little bit early, and of course we have to wait for a gate to open up. We've got a crew on the ground as we speak and they're working as quickly as they can to get the gate ready. Figure it'll be ready in another 12-15 months. Until then, please remember to keep your seatbelts fastened."
The plural of Airbus is Airbuses. Airbii is not a word.
There is no 787-800, nor 787-900 or 747-800. It's 787-8, 787-9, and 747-8.
A321neoLR is also unnecessary. It's simply A321LR.
Airplanes don't have isles, they have aisles.
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RE: Joke Thread

Fri Dec 09, 2011 3:06 pm

A mayor from a town in Greece is visiting a mayor from a town in Italy. They are looking around the italians house and it is huge, very well presented and decked out with servents around cleaning. "How can you afford this amazing place?" asks the Greek, "Well you see that bridge over the valley" says the italian as he points, "that was supposed to be a four-lane super-highway but instead its just single lane with traffic lights at either end" and he gives a wink.

Later in the year the Italian mayor is visiting Greece and is looking around the Greeks house, it is enormouns, like a palace with marble floors, gold taps and a helipad on the roof, " How do you afford this place?, Its fantastic" says the italian. "you see that bridge accross the valley" the Greek says pointing, the Italian says "No".....

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RE: Joke Thread

Fri Dec 09, 2011 4:58 pm

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
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RE: Joke Thread

Fri Dec 09, 2011 5:53 pm

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.
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RE: Joke Thread

Sat Dec 17, 2011 3:34 pm

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was
"Janie, do you have a story to share?' ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a
story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her
plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she
had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell
you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Long live the 757!

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