Max Q
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Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Sun Jun 24, 2012 2:03 am

I just finalised mine after 28 years of marriage.


If there is a worse thing to experience in this world I have not found it.


Anyone else go through this lately ?


Thoughts, feelings ?
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jetblueguy22
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Sun Jun 24, 2012 2:14 am

Although it isn't me directly my father just finalized his divorce with my evil stepmother of 10 years. It was tough at first for him because it was just like what now. But enjoy it. Divorces are unfortunate but use the time to do something you've always wanted to try. He took up marathon running and I've never seen him happier in his life. He has time to himself and he can enjoy time with his kids without the awkwardness of a tough marriage. Try to make the best of it!
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Venus6971
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Sun Jun 24, 2012 2:50 am

Old joke: You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it.
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Max Q
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Sun Jun 24, 2012 4:49 am

Yes, Venus, V funny, heard it before. have you been through one ?
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Aaron747
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Sun Jun 24, 2012 8:29 am

Mine was finalized a few months ago, though the process is somewhat easier in Japan since it is extra-judicial and involves just sending a mutually signed document to the city hall of last residence.

Having young children involved is definitely not ideal and has been hard on me. The ex and I are both going in better directions though, and I believe we can be better individuals around them without the previous atmosphere of belligerence and cold feelings.

It's difficult to actually muster the energy and courage to make such a drastic life change, but once it's over and done with, it really is a tremendous relief. And as my mother put it too well - if the well is poisoned, it's time to stop drinking from it.
If you need someone to blame / throw a rock in the air / you'll hit someone guilty
 
vikkyvik
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:10 am

Quoting Aaron747 (Reply 4):
Mine was finalized a few months ago

Holy crap dude, I completely did not see that one coming! Based on your posts over the years, I thought your marriage sounded quite happy. Sorry to hear it didn't work out.

Seems to be a rash of divorces occurring in the past year here (not all have been posted here, obviously). Or maybe I just never knew about them before this past year.

Anyway, hope all you guys (and girls) are managing to pull through OK.
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Birdwatching
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:36 am

I've never been married (I'm only 30) but I've seen quite a few divorces around me and sometimes involving people close to me, increasingly in my age group. I've come to realize that in most cases the reason for a divorce is that people marry too soon and too early. It's that crazy American thing where you propose to your gf/bf and then you have to get married within a year. If you want a long and healthy marriage, you don't propose. You are a couple for many years and during that time you figure out if marriage might work, and talk about it and discuss it a lot, and then at some point you both come to the conclusion that it might be time to take it to the next level. After about 5 years of being a couple.
But if you only know each other for 4 months and then the man pulls out a little box and goes to his knees, off course that's not going to work out.

Also I think many people marry because that's "what you do", one of the things on life's bucket list. But many people are not made for marriage and shouldn't be in one. Look at all the people getting married for the 3rd or 4th time. Why would you think it works out the 4th time?

I've been happily living in a relationship for many years now and maybe we'll get married in a couple of years. But then at least we've had time to think about it for a long time and get to know each other.

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Aaron747
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Sun Jun 24, 2012 10:49 am

Quoting vikkyvik (Reply 5):
Holy crap dude, I completely did not see that one coming! Based on your posts over the years, I thought your marriage sounded quite happy. Sorry to hear it didn't work out.

Thanks - it was for awhile, but things change. Some people don't handle stress well, my ex being one of them.
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na
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Sun Jun 24, 2012 11:49 am

I got divorced two years ago, after 10 years of marriage. We had no kids. No fight, no money hassle, and my ex-wife is still a good friend.
 
Max Q
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 12:45 am

Quoting Birdwatching (Reply 6):


I've never been married (I'm only 30) but I've seen quite a few divorces around me and sometimes involving people close to me, increasingly in my age group. I've come to realize that in most cases the reason for a divorce is that people marry too soon and too early. It's that crazy American thing where you propose to your gf/bf and then you have to get married within a year. If you want a long and healthy marriage, you don't propose. You are a couple for many years and during that time you figure out if marriage might work, and talk about it and discuss it a lot, and then at some point you both come to the conclusion that it might be time to take it to the next level. After about 5 years of being a couple.
But if you only know each other for 4 months and then the man pulls out a little box and goes to his knees, off course that's not going to work out.

You are right but when you are young you don't think all that clearly sometimes.

Quoting Aaron747 (Reply 4):


It's difficult to actually muster the energy and courage to make such a drastic life change, but once it's over and done with, it really is a tremendous relief. And as my mother put it too well - if the well is poisoned, it's time to stop drinking from it.

You have a good point and it's good you feel relief.



I was married for a very long time, almost 30 years, despite the last few being disastrous with my ex's alcohol issues I find it very, very difficult to let it go.
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Aaron747
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:38 am

Quoting Max Q (Reply 9):
ex's alcohol issues

That played a large part in my situation as well.
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Max Q
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:02 am

Quoting Aaron747 (Reply 10):

That played a large part in my situation as well.

Sorry to hear that.



Dealing with someones alcohol problem varies between difficult to impossible.



You have my most profound empathy.
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September11
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:29 am

Personally speaking, I am against divorce. I think any men should be allowed to marry 2 or more women.
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HAWK21M
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:30 am

Quoting na (Reply 8):

I got divorced two years ago, after 10 years of marriage. We had no kids. No fight, no money hassle, and my ex-wife is still a good friend.

Then why.....
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speedbird217
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:40 am

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 13):
Then why.....

I don't want to speak on his behalf, but it should be obvious that love and friendship isn't the same thing!?!
 
na
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:35 pm

Quoting HAWK21M (Reply 13):
Then why.....

Our marriage was childless and my wife couldnt accept that. Also our relationship slowly slipped from love to friendship. It was a slow decline nobody could stop. So speedbird was right guessing somehow.
 
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Dreadnought
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:47 pm

Quoting September11 (Reply 12):

Personally speaking, I am against divorce. I think any men should be allowed to marry 2 or more women.

Hey, Charlie Sheen, how ya doin'?

Quoting Max Q (Thread starter):
If there is a worse thing to experience in this world I have not found it.

Well, there is. Losing a child. I haven't gone through a divorce, but I did lose my son. I think it's safe to say that's worse.

Regardless of that, I know it must be very painful for you. The most important thing for you to do is avoid staying in the house and wasting away on blogs like here. Get out of the house. Play golf, where you get paired up with people. Visit your friends and relatives.

Keep your chin up.
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Revelation
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:03 pm

Quoting Max Q (Thread starter):
If there is a worse thing to experience in this world I have not found it.

That pretty much sums up how I felt when my marraige went into crisis mode.

I was in a severe state of depression, I stopped eating, I just stopped living for a few days to the point of almost getting checked into the looney bin, and continued to drop weight and was an emotional wreck for months.

As things happened, we stayed in crisis mode for the better part of two years. She was OK with living in limbo, but by then I wasn't, so I put an end to it.

I think the saying above about drinking from the poisoned well is apt. I'd had my fill of poison by then.

Quoting na (Reply 8):
I got divorced two years ago, after 10 years of marriage. We had no kids. No fight, no money hassle, and my ex-wife is still a good friend.

A lot of that was similar with me. She hated lawyers, so we did our divorce paperwork ourself (ironically, one of the finest points of our marraige!) and we parted as friends.

I wouldn't say we are still friends. We stayed friendly at first, but she got angry at me because I had to cancel a visit at short notice, and my apology wasn't accepted.

So, last I knew, she had left town and moved to the other side of the country, and I hope she's doing well, but we don't speak, and that's fine with me.
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bjcc
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 7:33 pm

My divorce was 16 years ago now, I remember it fondly!
 
na
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 7:37 pm

Quoting Revelation (Reply 17):
I was in a severe state of depression, I stopped eating, I just stopped living for a few days to the point of almost getting checked into the looney bin, and continued to drop weight and was an emotional wreck for months.

As things happened, we stayed in crisis mode for the better part of two years. She was OK with living in limbo, but by then I wasn't, so I put an end to it.

When our marriage went downhill, when my wife realised that we could not have kids (which I also regretted as I love children, but other than her I could manage the thought not having one), we both fell into different kinds of depression. Mine wasnt serious though, and as I had so much work I pushed it away, had many business journeys etc, which let to a situation we didnt spend so much time together anymore. Then I got seriously ill for some time (not related to our marriage condition, at least not in the first place), and somehow lost, well, sexual interest in the process, which was the final nail to the coffin. We still lived together for another two years, slowly parting. In the last months I realized she had found a new partner, but that didnt really hurt me anymore. With her new partner and the help of the medical wonders of today she finally became pregnant after a year or so and I´m now even the godfather of the baby, which is a damn cute little girl. I know that this long decline was not how others would have handled the situation but it was the right thing for us not to come to a premature, abrupt halt.
 
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:06 pm

Quoting na (Reply 19):
With her new partner and the help of the medical wonders of today she finally became pregnant after a year or so and I´m now even the godfather of the baby, which is a damn cute little girl.

Amazing story of how things can be OK if you just accept them for what they are.

Quoting na (Reply 19):
I know that this long decline was not how others would have handled the situation but it was the right thing for us not to come to a premature, abrupt halt.

I too am thankful for the time I had to deal with the shock of figuring out how badly our relationship had deteriorated, and to then see if we could find a way to move forward as a couple, and to ultimately realize that we couldn't and so we both had to move on, and that I had to be the one to make that happen.
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Superfly
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:10 pm

Marriage seems to be an outdated concept. Not sure why gays want to do it today.
There are far more rewarding things to focus on instead of family, kids, wife & minivans.
Things such as cars, high-end vacuum tube audio gear, set of golf clubs, top shelf spirits, 1st class & business class travel to far away places are much more rewarding.
Bring back the Concorde
 
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:28 pm

Quoting Superfly (Reply 21):
Marriage seems to be an outdated concept. Not sure why gays want to do it today.
There are far more rewarding things to focus on instead of family, kids, wife & minivans.
Things such as cars, high-end vacuum tube audio gear, set of golf clubs, top shelf spirits, 1st class & business class travel to far away places are much more rewarding.

Marriage is more about finding someone you want to live with and committing to being a life partner to.

Unfortunately I didn't realize fully this until after I was married and divorced!  

Unfortunately marriage quite often is also about paying someone else's bills for the rest of their life.

I think that's a big part of why marriage is declining, despite the fact that gays want in.
Inspiration, move me brightly! Light the song with sense and color.
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Faced with mysteries dark and vast, statements just seem vain at last.
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Superfly
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:41 pm

Quoting Revelation (Reply 22):
Unfortunately marriage quite often is also about paying someone else's bills for the rest of their life.

I'm better off being a playboy.
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4holer
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:51 pm

Quoting September11 (Reply 12):
I think any men should be allowed to marry 2 or more women.
From The Addams family:
Morticia: Gomez, do you know what the penalty is for Bigamy in this state?
Gomez: Yeah! Two wives!

Quoting na (Reply 15):
na
Yours sounds like mine.
Except my ex had a tendency to sleep with other men. But that was more a symptom of the underlying disease.

Quoting Max Q (Thread starter):
If there is a worse thing to experience in this world I have not found it.
The foundation of how you pictured your life has just been demolished. Your hurt is normal. But as you rebuild you will see that you did the right thing and find happiness.
Ghosts appear and fade away.....................
 
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:05 pm

Quoting 4holer (Reply 24):
The foundation of how you pictured your life has just been demolished. Your hurt is normal. But as you rebuild you will see that you did the right thing and find happiness.

  
Inspiration, move me brightly! Light the song with sense and color.
Hold away despair, more than this I will not ask.
Faced with mysteries dark and vast, statements just seem vain at last.
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Max Q
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:18 pm

Quoting Dreadnought (Reply 16):

Well, there is. Losing a child. I haven't gone through a divorce, but I did lose my son. I think it's safe to say that's worse.

You have my heartfelt and sincere condolences. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been.

Quoting Dreadnought (Reply 16):

Regardless of that, I know it must be very painful for you. The most important thing for you to do is avoid staying in the house and wasting away on blogs like here. Get out of the house. Play golf, where you get paired up with people. Visit your friends and relatives.

Keep your chin up.

You are right, I am trying to do that. Thank you.



And thanks everyone for your responses. It seems that several of us have had to deal with this misery for differing reasons.



Mine would not have happened except for her issues with alcoholism and the behaviour associated with that.



I wanted to avoid divorce at any cost, after 28 years with the same person that I loved and still do very much it was unthinkable to me but until you have lived with an alcoholic and their issues it has to be seen and experienced to be believed.



Despite sending her to rehab literally more than a dozen times, trying different medications, doctors, techniques, whatever she simply refused to stop drinking and became a totally different person than the woman I fell in love with nearly 30 years ago.



Lying, cheating, deception, manipulation and abuse were her normal behaviour patterns and this continued for years.



I had to pull the plug and now it is over but I wish she would have stopped and we could have worked it out. I know I will never feel the same way about another woman and starting over again at 49 is not easy.




I really can't thank all of you that contributed to this enough. It helps to share and know you are not the only one !
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HAWK21M
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Tue Jun 26, 2012 9:12 am

Quoting na (Reply 15):

I guess thats the best way then.....
I may not win often, but I damn well never lose!!! ;)
 
na
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:49 am

Quoting Superfly (Reply 21):
Marriage seems to be an outdated concept. Not sure why gays want to do it today.
There are far more rewarding things to focus on instead of family, kids, wife & minivans.
Things such as cars, high-end vacuum tube audio gear, set of golf clubs, top shelf spirits, 1st class & business class travel to far away places are much more rewarding.

I am not of your opinion, or not in that absolute way you describe it, but I was a little bit like that until my late 30s (though I never was a womanizer). Then I married a young woman 15 years younger than me. That age difference became a bit of a problem later because your interests shift a bit from the late 20s to the mid 40s if you know what I mean. It was secondary in our divorce descision process though. With a kid I think we would still be married.
 
Rara
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Tue Jun 26, 2012 6:03 pm

Quoting Superfly (Reply 21):
family, kids, wife & minivans.
Things such as cars, high-end vacuum tube audio gear, set of golf clubs, top shelf spirits, 1st class & business class travel to far away places

Interesting, of all the things you listed I find it hard to decide which one is the least unappealing to me.  
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daviation
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Tue Jun 26, 2012 9:58 pm

Yes, I got divorced in 2000. Twelve years ago. It was ugly and there were young children involved. It takes quite a while to get over. And in many ways, especially if there are children, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

I never remarried. My ex emptied my bank accounts, opened up credit cards in my name - it took me years to work out all the legalities. Over $100,000. You read about this stuff all the time in the newspaper. You can't believe it until it happens to you. And then you wonder how that person could have led a double life while sleeping next to you all those years.

I ashamed to say that I'd never trust anyone again on that level. My own personal failing.
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Max Q
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Wed Jun 27, 2012 3:20 am

Quoting daviation (Reply 30):


Yes, I got divorced in 2000. Twelve years ago. It was ugly and there were young children involved. It takes quite a while to get over. And in many ways, especially if there are children, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

I never remarried. My ex emptied my bank accounts, opened up credit cards in my name - it took me years to work out all the legalities. Over $100,000. You read about this stuff all the time in the newspaper. You can't believe it until it happens to you. And then you wonder how that person could have led a double life while sleeping next to you all those years.

I ashamed to say that I'd never trust anyone again on that level. My own personal failing.

The process, and it's aftermath is a special slice of hell, as you say you can't believe it until it happens to you.



My opinion is, regardless of the end financial arrangement that one person ends up doing a lot better, emotionally and in life than the other , not necessarily the male or the female although I think the process favours the female in the US.
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Superfly
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Wed Jun 27, 2012 5:55 am

Quoting na (Reply 28):
your interests shift a bit from the late 20s to the mid 40s



That is why it's best for men to wait until their 40s to get married IF they really feel a need to do so.


This used to be a better site before they added all the silly photos and useless ads but they still get the point across.
http://www.nomarriage.com/
Bring back the Concorde
 
na
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Wed Jun 27, 2012 12:30 pm

Quoting daviation (Reply 30):

Thats indeed an experience no one likes to have, and, although my divorce was smooth, the thought that this could happen to me next time makes it quite likely I´ll never marry again. A friend of mine made a similar experience like you, divorce after ca. 12 years with two kids in school and a beast of an ex-wife (plus horrible in-laws) still blackmailing him for money today because for some time he made black money due to the special situation of his job! He even had an heart-attack and a burn-out because of that!
I´ll only consider remarrying if the candidate is a lot richer than me but thats rather rare with women  Another friend of mine managed that after his divorce from a mentally sick wife and now he´s living in a 8000 sqare feet villa in a park!
 
Charles79
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Wed Jun 27, 2012 4:46 pm

One of my best friends filed for divorced after only 9 months of marriage...and with a child on the way. Needless to say, it was messy and it played with his emotions a lot. Once divorced, the ex-wife decided to move with their newborn child to France (I still can't believe the judge let her do it!) and so the experience came as a double whammy for him. It's been nearly 4 years since their divorce and though he still doesn't have the drive to date anyone again I can see that he is a happier man…even if he has to cross the pond every time he wants to see his daughter.

His experience, though, dovetails into what Birdwatching had to say:

Quoting Birdwatching (Reply 6):
I've come to realize that in most cases the reason for a divorce is that people marry too soon and too early. You are a couple for many years and during that time you figure out if marriage might work, and talk about it and discuss it a lot, and then at some point you both come to the conclusion that it might be time to take it to the next level. After about 5 years of being a couple.

In my friend's case, he didn’t live with his ex until marriage. To put it bluntly, they found out so many little things about each other that they didn’t have the opportunity to learn before that turned them off rather quickly. To contrast my friend's experience, my hubby and I lived together for 4 years before getting married, and we didn't even think about it until 3 years into the relationship. By the time we got married it was more of a ceremony to mark how we already felt towards each other.

Quoting Aaron747 (Reply 4):
Mine was finalized a few months ago,

Sorry to hear that you had to take that route man, hopefully it was for the best.
 
daviation
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RE: Anyone Get Divorced Lately?

Wed Jun 27, 2012 6:20 pm

Quoting Max Q (Reply 31):
I think the process favours the female in the US

I think that's very true, although I may sound paranoid for saying it. My ex-wife, who served a short time in prison, also became morbidly obese and couldn't handle the children at all. I went to court to obtain full custody. The social worker assigned to the case detested me because I say exactly what's on my mind. My ex, on the other hand, is extraordinarily sweet, polite, and well-spoken. So the social worker said she is the model of rectitude and I am nuts.

In the intervening two years since, the kids have failed school, started drugs, etc. Of their own choice, they have decided to spend much more time with me, realizing (hopefully not too late) that I set a better example. I've often wanted to write to that social worker (and his superiors) and ask him how he manages to keep his job since his is so unprofessional.

I keep those thoughts to myself because, as Max stated above, the U.S. courts in general favor the wife/mother. That's just the way it is.
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