Guest

Airline Jokes

Mon Dec 10, 2001 1:25 pm

This has probably been posted a million times, but does anyone have any good airline-related jokes?

Here's one of mine:

United recently threw a little old lady off a flight because she had knitting needles in her bag...
...a spokesman said they didn't want here making afghans....
 
TWA717_200
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RE: Airline Jokes

Mon Dec 10, 2001 1:49 pm

Oh man.
 
Snoopy
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RE: Airline Jokes

Mon Dec 10, 2001 5:25 pm

B747 flight from somewhere in Europe to the US. Joe and Fred are travelling together.

Captain comes on: "Ladies and Gents, we've lost an engine, but a 747 is fine on three. Nothing to worry about...it will just take us an hour longer to get to our destination".

1 hour later Captain again: " L&G, we've lost another engine, but Boeing make a fine plane, so nothing to worry about, but we are expecting to land two hours behind schedule".

No problem, more drinks served everyone happy.

1 hour later, Captain again" L&G I'm sorry but we have lost a third engine. I'm still confident that there is nothing to worry about, but we will be arriving three hours later than planned".

Joe to Fred: "Christ if the last engine goes, we'll be up here all day!"
 
EmiratesLover
Posts: 324
Joined: Fri Dec 01, 2000 11:40 pm

RE: Airline Jokes

Mon Dec 10, 2001 8:01 pm

I don't know if people have haerd this one before -

There was a BA flight on it's way from Johannesburg to London.While the passengers were boarding the aircraft,
a middle aged well-dressed white South African lady finds that her seat is next to a black gentleman.

She feels horrified, and demands that the cabin crew find her another seat.She shrieks, creating a commotion, attracting the attention of her fellow passengers.

``How can you expect me to sit for such a long flight with such a disgusting human being.I am not going to be seated next to a kaffir.Find me another seat NOW !''

The senior stewardess tries to placate the lady, trying to reassure her that there is no problem at all, but the lady is adamant.The stewardess goes on, and tried to find another seat.

Ten minutes late she returns.``I am sorry ma'am, but I could not find another seat in the Economy Class section, and Club World is jam packed too'' she says.``However, I am happy to say that there is an empty seat in the Fist Class Section.We never allow Economy Class passengers to be moved to First, but in this case I will allow an exception, as I can understand no-one wishing to spend a fight next to such a dreadful person''.

Before our South African lady could say anything, she turned to the black man, and said - ``So excuse me Sir, if you have your thing ready, your seat in First Class is waiting for you.''

PS - Most people whom I say this joke to like it a lot, but it should be noted that from what I know most South African whites are not really like the lady of the joke anymore.
 
zionstrat
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Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2001 3:26 am

RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 12:46 am

Forgive me for the childlike quality of the following, but it was the first joke I learned around age 6.

A pilot contacts the control tower and asks for a time check- The tower responds asking which airline is making the request. The pilot becomes frustrated and states that it doesn't matter, prompting the tower to respond as follows--

"If you are Pan-Am, the current time is fourteen hundred hours. If you are Eastern, the time is 2 PM. If you are Piedmont, the little hand is on the 2 and the big hand...."

As I type I realize how this shows my age as all of these airlines gone and far fewer children probably learn to tell time on an analog clock-

 
Delboy
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 1:58 am


Rod Eddington................ now there is an airline jerk, sorry I meant joke!!
 
B744F
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 2:53 am

Zionstrat,

I heard it in slightly different way:

Aircraft (A) calling ZRH tower (T):
(A) good morning, could you advise the time, please?
(T) good morning, what airline are you?
(A)  Wow! does it make any sense?
(T) sure! there is a big difference: if you are Swissair - it is 08:53 now, if you are Air France - then is is around nine o'clock in the morning, but if you are Aeroflot - today is Wednesday!  Yeah sure
 
Guest

RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 3:00 am

A flight attendant says over the PA after landing:

"Let me be the first to welcome you to Chicago O'Hare Intl airport. To accompany our wait on the tarmac, we'll be showing you another full length feature film..."
 
Guest

RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 3:25 am

Southwest Cabin announcements are killer....

After a hard landing:
"L&G we would like you to remain seated while Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal"

As the plane flared, the PF planted the left main gear firmly onto the concrete, then finally the right one came down with a hard thump, and then of course, as the airspeed bled off, the nose gear came crashing down:
"Well now that the captain has finished carving his initials into the runway, we would like to wlcome you to..."

 Big grin
 
David L
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 3:36 am

An allegedly true story I read in some publication somewhere a while ago (I may have done this one before):

A western stewardess (it was back in those days) was working for a Middle East airline where working women were regarded as servants by men and well-to-do women. An Arab woman in First Class called her over and thrust a baby into her hands saying "This baby needs changed!". The stewardess smiled and took the baby through behind the curtains. After a few minutes she returned, still smiling charmingly, with another baby, thrust it into the First Class woman's hands and asked "Will this one do?"
 
racko
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 5:21 am

This is a true story:

2 Crossair pilots were discussing while waiting in line for takeoff, if it is possible to retract the landing gear while standing on the ground.

The young FO thought that it is possible, but the old Captain that it is impossible. He was 100% sure about that, and to prove that the FO is wrong, he pulled the gear stick down and finally .... the gear retracted half, broke, and the aircraft crashed on the ground.

no joke  Smile
 
wingman
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 6:53 am

True story from long ago: My old man was flying MAD to Bilbao on an IB DC9 when it encountered severe turbulence and thunderstorms on approach. The plane was struck at least once by lightning and the Captain elected to return to MAD instead of risking it. All passengers either puked, crapped or peed themselves in the process, yet on landing back in MAD the automaton stewardesses still had the nerve (or lack of common sense) to get on the PA, thank the paassenegrs for flying IB and hpoing they had a pleasant journey. Before she had finished the passengers verbally assaulted her for her stupidity as they reminded her they never got to their destination in the first place. I always got a kick out of that story.

The only halfway decent joke I know involving airlines is :

Gorgeous blonde boards the flight from LAX to Hawaii and promptly parks herself in First Class. When the FA asks to see her ticket it shows her seat is in Coach. When the FA asks her to move to the back of the plane, the blonde refuses, saying that she's blonde and beautiful and First Class is where she belongs. The FA informs the Chief Steward who goes through the same routine, the blonde still refusing to budge because she's blonde, beautiful and where she belongs. Finally they call in the Captain who gets the story from his crew and tells them he'll take care of everything. He approaches the blonde, whispers a line in her ear and she jumps up to collect her bags and move on back to coach. When the FAs ask him how the hell he managed to move her so quickly he replies, "Easy, I told her First Class was going somewhere else".
 
VgnAtl747
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 7:57 am

DELTA:
Doesn't Ever Leave The Airport
Work Hard. Fly Right. Continental Airlines
 
Guest

RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 8:04 am

This is a true story:

2 Crossair pilots were discussing while waiting in line for takeoff, if it is possible to retract the landing gear while standing on the ground.

The young FO thought that it is possible, but the old Captain that it is impossible. He was 100% sure about that, and to prove that the FO is wrong, he pulled the gear stick down and finally .... the gear retracted half, broke, and the aircraft crashed on the ground.


Nah, even small airplanes have a system that prevents that from happening.
Iain
 
MD88Captain
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 8:14 am

Actually Lainhol those systems do not always work and there have been a few unintentional gear retractions on the ground. All airline mechanics pin the gear to prevent retractions when they trouble shoot gear problems. They never trust the air/ground sensing systems.
 
vafi88
Posts: 2981
Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2001 10:32 am

RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 12:35 pm

True story (happened on Sunday)

We were watching the 777 story on Discovery channel and they were talking about pilotless airplanes and my brother told me a joke. There, on the plane, will be a man and a dog, the man is there to look after the dog and if the man tried to touch anything the dog would bite him. And about 15 seconds after my brother (AN-225) told the joke, the pilot of the 777 started to tell the same joke. I thought it was funny.
I'd like to elect a president that has a Higher IQ than a retarted ant.
 
Bernard Shakey
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 12:41 pm

The stutterer was nervous about his 1st skydive. He asked the instructor, "Sh-sh-should I c-c-c-count t-t-t-o 4 or or or or 5 b-b-bef-f-f-ore I p-p-pull the c-c-c-ord?" The instructor advised him to simply count to 5 and pull the cord. As the insturctor pulled his chute and floated toward earth, the last thing he heard from the novice as he hurled past was, "t-t-t-t-t-two....."

Thank you, I'll be here all week.
Mindless drifter on the road, Carries such an easy load
 
jmc1975
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 12:52 pm

Back when TWA was big, my uncle used to fly them and he would always ask a female flight attendant if she had any TWA coffee or TWA tea. Only some of them found the humor in it.
.......
 
ILS
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 1:15 pm

ROFLOL leftseat.  Big thumbs up
 
gerardo
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 4:29 pm

Racko and Iainhol

The Crossair pilot, who did this, was the one, who crashed some weeks ago. This story IS true.

Gerardo
dominguez(dash)online(dot)ch ... Pushing the limits of my equipment
 
willfly4food
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 6:33 pm

Competent management of a U.S. airline!

Hahaha! Hehehe! Hohoho!

Whew! I kill me!

Sorry Herb, not you.
 
NZ767
Posts: 1553
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 6:56 pm

737 is at the holding point waiting to enter the runway.
F27 is on short finals, it's a very windy day and the F27 is hit by a strong gust just about tipping it on it's side, however it touches down safely.

737 pilot (on Tower frequency): "Oops, that was a bit of a Fokker!"

F27 pilot: "Yes, it was nearly the end of a beautiful Friendship!"

Mike  Smile
 
quebecair727
Posts: 318
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RE: Airline Jokes

Tue Dec 11, 2001 7:51 pm

Once upon a time in a DC8...

"L & G this your captain speaking. We will be flying at an altitude of 31000 feet and a cruising speed of 500 miles an hour." Then the pilot hanged the microphone without closing it and said: "...now I'm gonna go take a leak and after that I'm gonna fuck Ellen the new girl". Ellen heard that in the back and rushed to the front in order to tell the pilot about the microphone still open. She was running so fast that she accidently fell on the floor. The passenger sitting next to the girl told her: "Take your time, he said he was going for a leak before".
 
cv640
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Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2000 8:10 pm

RE: Airline Jokes

Wed Dec 12, 2001 12:58 am

So true Willfly4food
HA