Guest

Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 1:58 am

From yesterday's Sunday Times:

Jeremy Clarkson: Hello Greece, I am the plane spotter from hell

It sounds like some kind of joke. The Greeks lose their marbles and decide that the best course of action is to detain a dozen British plane spotters. Ha, ha, ha. We get the finest sculptures ever created and they get a bunch of weird beards.

But life for these nerds is not going to be funny at all. Greece may be a popular holiday destination for people who’ve had their taste buds amputated, but behind the veneer of those pretty beaches and Captain Corelli’s mandolin there is a savage police state. It sits in the European Union like a Third World Trojan horse.

Let me explain. For some extraordinary reason I once found myself in Crete with a girlfriend. Inevitably, we hadn’t been there 10 minutes before she was pounced upon by some bandy-legged waiter who was presumably fed up with the curious sexual practices of his own country’s womenfolk.

When she turned down the predictable offer of a ride in his brother’s fishing boat, he resorted to type and tried to plunge his hands up her skirt. She slapped him. He slapped her back. And I stepped into the fray.

So here’s the scene: me, 6ft 5in, 30 years old and from a country that thrives on a good scrap. Him, a weedy little bubble from a country where the national sport is sleeping. It would be a short, vicious, one- sided contest.

And it was. He decked me with the first punch, dragged me outside and in front of a large crowd proceeded to demonstrate his skills as a sailor by tying my arms and legs in a series of interesting knots.

This is a reef. This is a bow. And then I was a double fisherman figure of eight.

Mercifully the police arrived, but unmercifully it was me they bundled into the back of the car. I think they said I was being arrested for insulting the Greek flag, but it’s hard to be sure because from time to time various people kept opening the door and punching me in the face. And we couldn’t drive off because the policeman had broken the car’s key in its ignition. “Get out,” he said, “and push.”

This was to be one of life’s less enjoyable moments. I emerged into a hail of fists and phlegm and began to push the police car to jail for a crime I hadn’t committed.

From that day to this I have longed for the moment when the tectonic plate that created Greece finally sucks the whole godforsaken hell-hole into the Mediterranean. But since that’s not for another 3m years, I have been waging a one-man boycott of anything that is made there — not that much is because they’re a bunch of walnut-faced peasants who sit around all day waiting for the next EU subsidy cheque to arrive.

Now, though, I sense a real chance to be more constructive, to pick up where those plane spotters left off and reveal to the Turks precisely what the Greek air force has and where it is. So here goes.

The 337th and 348th squadrons, based at Larisa, have 76 Phantom F-4s, a fighter aircraft notable chiefly for having no gun. The 346th squadron, also based at Larisa, uses the F-16, a plane that can manoeuvre itself up its own tail pipe, but only above its own airfield. Range is a big problem here.

The Greeks have 79 F-16s. They would have 80, but one is in the States being repaired after its pilot lit his afterburner while taxiing and crashed into a tree.

The 340th squadron, based at Chania, and the 335th at Araxos use A-7 Corsairs, a plane designed in the 1950s and launched in 1962, so you don’t have much to worry about there. You could shoot one of those things down with a bow and arrow.

Happily, Greece has cancelled its order for the Eurofighter, not that it could have flown one anyway. Local air traffic control is so bad that on a recent Nato exercise in the southern Aegean the Greek pilots got lost three times. It was finally decided that it would be best for everyone if they simply withdrew.

So what about the Mirages, flown by the 331st out of Tanagra? It’s a good plane, but may I draw your attention to an advertisement being run on the Greek embassy’s official website in Washington DC? I quote: “Hellenic Air Force announces the sale of 24 aircraft Mirage F-1 and well as the sale of 35 engines . . . which are in full operational condition. Every information concerning the . . . aircraft and their engines will be available to those interested. For more information please contact Colonel K Ioanidis on 30-1 6593 110, or fax 30-1 6458 001.”

What are these people on? You can’t sell fighter jets over the internet, for heaven’s sake. “Hello, colonel. My name’s Osama Bin Laden. About these Mirages . . .”

Furthermore, how the hell can you lock people up for looking at an air force that is clapped out, past its sell-by date and up for sale? This could only happen in a country where you can get arrested for being beaten up.

I feel a great deal of sympathy for these plane spotters, so I shall now reveal how I escaped.

I pushed the police car to the top of a hill, gave it a shove down the other side and scarpered. And the fat, thick oaf in the driver’s seat never even noticed.
 
GDB
Posts: 12653
Joined: Wed May 23, 2001 6:25 pm

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 2:04 am

Oh dear, to non-UK members, Clarkson is a jumped up motoring writer and more recently, bad chat show host, who likes to upset people.
He also, as you can see from this post, has little knowledge of aviation.
It's meant to be humorous.
 
Guest

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 2:06 am

They should have thrown the d**** in prison and thrown away the keys! If anyone deserves to be protected from civilised society it's him! Big grin

Regards
 
Guest

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 2:19 am

Correction:

If civilised society deserves to be protected from anyone, it's him!

As for the humour in it, it didn't make me laugh....what a muppet  Insane

Regards
 
khi747
Posts: 1532
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RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 2:41 am

Ohh dear that was funny...last place i expected to hear about Jeremy Clarkson was this forum.He is the best and funniest car show host ever....but sadly he left BBC topgear which was probably the best car show in the world soley because of him. He has an incredibly sarcastic humour.Belive me reading this article is alot funnier if you know how he talks....  Big thumbs up
 
AndyEastMids
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Joined: Wed Jan 24, 2001 10:24 pm

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 2:43 am

Yes, Clarkson is a former TV motoring presenter and motoring writer, who a very jaundiced view of the world, over-emphasising the faults in much of what he discusses.

However, from what I can tell, he has a way of telling it like quite a few people think, but in a way very few are prepared to admit they think.

Andy
 
Guest

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 5:24 am

I love his dry, cutting humour - and as AndyEastMids accurately says "he has a way of telling it like quite a few people think, but in a way very few are prepared to admit they think."

It has me rolling on the floor!  Big thumbs up  Big thumbs up  Big thumbs up
 
Konstantinos
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RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 7:17 am

I've been to Crete myself. I have found the people of Crete to be the best Greeks of all. Infact, I am Greek and I also think this is a shit hole of a country but the people of Crete are different. Infact when I went there I was so pleased and found the people so good that I've been thinking of going and living there. I also know very well that if you are nice with them they will treat you like a member of the family and better, but if you f*** with them then they will do the same to you, prob shoot you too.

Is this story true ? Come on Jeremy, what did you really do ?
 
bx737
Posts: 547
Joined: Mon Sep 17, 2001 4:47 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 7:32 am

Clarkson has a very dry sense of humour and like KHI747 I thought it was very funny. He writes exactly as he talks.

BTW how come he has all of the information, should this not result in his being put in jail, like those poor unfortunate plane spotters. If they were at an open day in the air force base, whats the problem. I can tell you, it has certainly turned me off ever going to Greece.
 
Jean Leloup
Posts: 1953
Joined: Fri Apr 06, 2001 10:46 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 7:59 am

Haha that's hilarious...

Now i honestly don't want to go to Greece, but I feel guilty for drawing my opinion of a country from a comedy editrorial. Woe is me. But does that kind of stuff really happen, or was he making that up?
Next flight.... who knows.
 
David L
Posts: 8547
Joined: Tue May 18, 1999 2:26 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 8:10 am

It certainly illustrates what a ludicrous episode this whole thing is. He does have a way with words.
 
Konstantinos
Posts: 364
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2001 5:29 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 8:23 am

If this story is true, then way not do anything about it?
I wouldn't run away and publish such news. It's not nice. Just think if this guy was 007 and was cought by the country he was spying on, boy o boy, England would be finnished. And how does he know all that info? (He forgot about the MIG-29's)
 
ovelix
Posts: 606
Joined: Mon Aug 30, 1999 12:50 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 10:44 pm

LOL!!

That guy gave me the laugh of the day!!

It's more than obvious that he has no idea of aviation, spotting, air forces (the info is almost all wrong) history or whatever and that he's never been in Greece. But the story is entertaining.

BTW (and with no offence please) here in Greece they say that UK's national sport is homo sex. (we have sleeping indeed and bouzouki all night).

Kostas (from Greece)
 
eal401
Posts: 451
Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2001 9:06 pm

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 10:54 pm

Fairly amusing, but it doesn't stop Clarkson being a prat!  Smile/happy/getting dizzy

For some extraordinary reason I once found myself in Crete with a girlfriend.

I'm not sure what was so extraordinary, him being in Crete or having a girlfriend!

 Big grin
 
CHRISBA777ER
Posts: 3715
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2001 12:12 pm

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 11:19 pm

Jeremy Clarkson is one of the funniest men alive. Anyone who has seen his tog gear shows, and his chatshow will not fail to be in stitches. Man, the guy cracks me up. I have actually won awards at my students union for my impressions of him and Quentin Wilson....

So, dear viewers i must pledge you a heartfelt apology...i am now the not very proud owner....of a honda Civic. Imagine my horror...as i walked inot my drive to see, not my pride and joy beemer emm three, but a silver Honda Civic. I mean....a silver one! Oh dear.....


This is the fastest car, i have ever driven. Its so clean...you can eat yer dinner off it!

Top man, and the article makes me laugh. Its meant to be highbrow british humour. We dont expect any of the non-UK reggies to get it. But then, we dont get the jokes about "homo sex" either. Was it not a Greek who said....

A women for a child. A boy for pleasure, and a melon for ecstasy....

For a society that bases itself on the former glories of an empire built on kiddie fiddling and rape, i think the plane spotters got off lightly.....



Best Wishes, CHRIS MORGAN
What do you mean you dont have any bourbon? Do you know how far it is to Houston? What kind of airline is this???
 
gerardo
Posts: 3372
Joined: Sun May 21, 2000 6:22 pm

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 11:21 pm

It was a fun to read that story Smile/happy/getting dizzy! Thanks for posting it.

In my opinion, the best detail was:
"The Greeks have 79 F-16s. They would have 80, but one is in the States being repaired after its pilot lit his afterburner while taxiing and crashed into a tree."

ROFL Smile/happy/getting dizzy

Gerardo
dominguez(dash)online(dot)ch ... Pushing the limits of my equipment
 
ovelix
Posts: 606
Joined: Mon Aug 30, 1999 12:50 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 11:23 pm

For a society that bases itself on the former glories of an empire built on kiddie fiddling and rape, i think the plane spotters got off lightly.....
Best Wishes, CHRIS MORGAN


I hope this is a joke....otherwise we can talk about former empires etc.....

Kostas
 
CHRISBA777ER
Posts: 3715
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2001 12:12 pm

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 11:41 pm

Are you really that bored? Listen mate i'm British, and i dont need to justify myself to anyone, thats what being British is. I cant be bothered to have this long and drawn out argument over whose empire did what, as its going to take too long, and i have cups of tea to drink. We pride ourselves in being civilised and diplomatic. Im not putting you guys down, im just commenting on historical fact, and the fact that you brough up the "homo sex" comment, i was merely replying to it. Now, as i said, im not having a pop, as on the whole you guys are ok, and a WHOLE lot nicer than the Turks, (apologies for the crass generalisation). So get off your high (trojan) horse, and stop getting the needle as soon as anyone takes the mickey. Its a sad state of affairs when they are being put through hell in some hot smelly prison, and you are making gay remarks to their countrymen. If it wasnt meant to cause offense, then why the hell did you say it? Anyway, at least our Gay people live in a society where they can be free, and not scorned by a narrow minded society who make jokes at peoples nationalities based on their sexual orientation. Thats called bigotry, and its against the EU mandate on Human Rights. No wonder Greece is a fringe member, who brings little, and demands huge subsidies and grants. What about that little empire then? Greece is using the EU as their own private moneybox, running the counrty like the shipping firms. Crooked, and always looking at ways to make more money for less effort. Just Fax Brussels. They will lend you the money to get you F16 repaired surely...Ok, NOW, im having a pop. Sorry. I havent got time for this nonsense.

Best Wishes
CHRIS MORGAN
What do you mean you dont have any bourbon? Do you know how far it is to Houston? What kind of airline is this???
 
CHRISBA777ER
Posts: 3715
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2001 12:12 pm

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Tue Dec 11, 2001 11:45 pm

I apologise for lowering the tone of the forum. I apologise to Kostas, for any insult he may have.
Thanks to Celidh for posting it . Nice discussion. There, rant over. Im done.

Best Wishes
CHRIS MORGAN
What do you mean you dont have any bourbon? Do you know how far it is to Houston? What kind of airline is this???
 
ovelix
Posts: 606
Joined: Mon Aug 30, 1999 12:50 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Wed Dec 12, 2001 12:02 am

Chris

I brought up the "homo" stereotype just because Clarkson talked about "national sports". I said "no offence", i don't agree with such comments...just wanted to tell you how some (not all) people in this country are talking (in their ignorance) about UK.

As for the EU matters, they belong to another thread and to another forum. I am just surprised how a little silly comment of me based upon another silly comment made you write such a long post about society and EU.

Anyway.... I am done with this discussion too.

Kostas

 
Delboy
Posts: 689
Joined: Wed Jun 27, 2001 12:57 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Wed Dec 12, 2001 12:02 am


Listen up folks.

If Clarkson can find out what the Greeks have in their inventory then even Stevie Wonder would be able to do it.

Jeremy Clarkson is a very funny man, probably his humour is far too sophisticated for the majority of you spotty Yanks.

He says it as it is, that gets my vote, with a smile of a man who has just been made captain of the England shit eating team.

 
AndyEastMids
Posts: 1055
Joined: Wed Jan 24, 2001 10:24 pm

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Wed Dec 12, 2001 12:28 am

Mr Clarkson wants to be careful... If this EU-wide arrest warrant thing comes in, he might find that after dishing out all of that information on the Greek Air Force order of battle, there's an arrest warrant issued for him in Greece, and he's unceremoneously shipped off there to face trial alongside the spotters!!!  Big grin

Seriously, all the information on the Greek Air Force inventory, their bases and order of battle, along with the UHF frequencies their pilots use, is all freely and publicly available in books here in the UK. If the Turks (or indeed Mr Clarkson) wants this data all they need to do is drop round the Mach-3 shop at Heathrow, or somewhere similar and spend a few pounds.

The current Greek Air Force is well documented, and in this I really can't understand what there is to get worked up, or arrested over.

Andy
 
ovelix
Posts: 606
Joined: Mon Aug 30, 1999 12:50 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Wed Dec 12, 2001 12:42 am

Andy

The current Greek Air Force is well documented, and in this I really can't understand what there is to get worked up, or arrested over.

Every AF is well documented. It's not a secret how many planes an AF has but the way they are used may be a secret.

The frequences may be available but you aren't allowed to listen (at least that's what the law says).

The squadrons etc is known where they are based. It's the aircraft MOVEMENTS and relocations that are forbidden for people to observe and write them down.

Hope you got the point....

Kostas
 
BCal Dc10
Posts: 695
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RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Wed Dec 12, 2001 12:56 am

nice one Jeremy! I've always been a Clarkson fan. You should read his book. I read his 2 columns in the Sunday Times on sunday, as I do every week - they are always very good.

I also like him because he hates the bus lane on the M4 between London Heathrow and my house in Notting Hill, which blights me every week.
Its all thanks to Johnny Two Jags.
 
wingman
Posts: 2793
Joined: Thu May 27, 1999 4:25 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Wed Dec 12, 2001 2:50 am

In a humorous thread populated exclusively by Europeans, leave it to a wanker like Delboy to drag the "stupid" Americans into the fray. Bravo Delboy, just another ignorant Brit so full of himself he can taste the shite. Small wonder the British brand of humor is so wildly popular here in the States when no one is bright enough to get it.
 
Areopagus
Posts: 1327
Joined: Thu Sep 20, 2001 12:31 pm

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Wed Dec 12, 2001 5:26 am

Actually, that's the same kind of humor written by Dave Barry, a writer for the Miami Herald whos ruminations are widely syndicated in the US.

 
Konstantinos
Posts: 364
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2001 5:29 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Wed Dec 12, 2001 9:02 am

Don't know how this could have happened with plane spotters.
However, one does not go to an airforce base and start taking pictures and notes. These spotters went to 4 bases in Greece, how is that ? Something is not right here. Then again the army is the army. You don't want to mess with them. There is nothing civil about the army so they will just do what has to be done.
I'm sure the spotters will be let free soon, if they are just spotters and not spies. Smells fishy to me, And we all know that Briton isn't going to pop up and say,
"Ow , ok, they are spies. Please let them go know."
 
Delboy
Posts: 689
Joined: Wed Jun 27, 2001 12:57 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Wed Dec 12, 2001 7:23 pm

Hey Wingman, you made me laugh so much with your witty comments. I obviously hit a raw nerve as your response was about what I would have expected from someone like you.

Now please, sit down, have a deep breath and calm down, there's a good little boy.
 
khi747
Posts: 1532
Joined: Tue Oct 31, 2000 6:30 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Wed Dec 12, 2001 8:14 pm

I wonder if Jeremy did manage to, or is perhaps even close to getting his favourite car, the Ferrari 355. Before he left the BBC Topgear he used to mention that the 355 was the best car he had ever driven......i remember one episode when he is driving a red 355 around Italy and he very emotionally expresses his feelings about the car.........i can never forget that. But maybe between now and then he has driven the 360 Modena,in essense a newer F355, and his dream car has changed.
Ever since i came to Boston for college,in 1999, i have not been able to see BBC Top Gear anymore.....but i do not regret it as much since Jeremy had already left sometime before. Without him the show became what the movie "Dumb and Dumber" without Jim Carey would be like or a burger without its pattie.
 
Give it a GO
Posts: 131
Joined: Sat Jun 02, 2001 10:00 pm

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Wed Dec 12, 2001 9:33 pm

Jeremy Clarkson rocks!

I saw him live at a motor show once, very funny guy.

One of my all time favourite quotes from him was when he was interviewing the Captain of the largest tanker (boat) in the world or something similar...

Clarkson: "So whats the turning circle on this thing?"

Captain: "On a good day we can hope for 5 - 6 miles"

Clarkson: (Turns to look at camera) "Oooh, that sounds like my aunties Proton!" (Proton is a crappy car sold in the UK)

HAHAHA!
 
voodoo
Posts: 1959
Joined: Mon Mar 19, 2001 12:14 am

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Wed Dec 12, 2001 11:07 pm

Give it a GO wrote:
---------------------------
Clarkson: (Turns to look at camera) "Oooh, that sounds like my aunties Proton!" (Proton is a crappy car sold in the UK)

HAHAHA!
---------------------------

Uh oh. Cue the Malaysian contingent.
` Yeaah! Baade 152! Trabi of the Sky! '
 
GDB
Posts: 12653
Joined: Wed May 23, 2001 6:25 pm

RE: Jeremy Clarkson On The Spotters In Greece

Thu Dec 13, 2001 2:39 am

True Clarkson story;
He appeared at some media function and was spotted by Oasis frontman Noel Gallagher, who said to skinny nondescript model Kate Moss, "look, there's that Top Gear bloke".
Kate replied "he's a drug dealer?"

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