Danny
Topic Author
Posts: 3714
Joined: Thu Apr 25, 2002 3:44 am

Flight Related Jokes

Fri Nov 12, 1999 8:04 pm

Hey all!
I've seen a coupola funny jokes here, and why not start a topic with just aviation related jokes? Here's one.

After landing and welcoming the passengers to their destination, the captain forgot to turn the microphone off. And he said to the other two in the cockpit "Man, the first thing I'm going to do now is take a shit, and then I'm going to f*ck the stewardess sitting in the back of the plane." Now, that was heard all over the plane and the poor stewardess, all embarrased, ran to the cockpit to tell the captain to turn the microphone off. Halfway through the plane, a man stops her and says "Take it easy, didn't you hear that he was going to take a shit first?"

More jokes? Anybody?
 
cricri
Posts: 540
Joined: Sat Oct 02, 1999 12:10 am

RE: Flight Related Jokes

Fri Nov 12, 1999 9:44 pm

I apologize in advance for this bad one :
What separates 3 homosexuals from 10 bitches?
The cockpit door!
:-)
 
Sasha
Posts: 856
Joined: Tue May 18, 1999 3:26 am

Cricri: Ha-HA!

Fri Nov 12, 1999 10:35 pm

Now, dat's short, simple and funny!!   (apologies to those who don't find it funny)

Although, you know, in modern planes there're only 2 of them... well, you know... the two crew cockpit  .

And guess how many there're in old planes taht required 4-6 guys in the cockpit!  
An2/24/28,Yak42,Tu154/134,IL18/62/96,B737/757/767,A310/320/319,F100,BAe146,EMB-145,CRJ,A340-600,B747-400,A-330-300,A-340
 
Danny
Topic Author
Posts: 3714
Joined: Thu Apr 25, 2002 3:44 am

RE: Flight Related Jokes

Fri Nov 12, 1999 10:41 pm

That's what I like - short and funny jokes!

Here's another one. And I have to apologize in advance too...

A plane lands on a runway, and stops within a couple of feet. The captain says "Geez, that was the shortest runway ever!" And the FO says "Yeah, but I bet it's the widest one in the world!"

 
 
Sasha
Posts: 856
Joined: Tue May 18, 1999 3:26 am

Duck And Co-pilot...

Fri Nov 12, 1999 10:49 pm

Ok, this is not a real funny one as it was real and the flight it occured on crashed killing all onboard.

Last year during my Group Communication class as a part of my degree, we were shown a video on pros and cons of group work... in particular, the documentary was on pilots in cockpits.

There was a re-production of a MD-80 crash (no airline supplied), which hit the ground on speed coz of faulty altimeter readings - the captain thought they're higher when in fact they were so close to the ground... CVR readings were used in re-production.

So, the weather was shite and while descending the young Co-pilot noticed some inconsitency and several times tried to pinpoint to the Captain of the altitude... the Captain igonred him. "Nah... we gonna hadle it..."

Then the Flight Engineer sez to captain:
"Do you know what's the difference between a co-pilot and a duck??"

Captain:
"What's the difference..."

FE:
"Well... a duck can fly..."

Captain
"Hah, yeah... good point..."

Minutes later they perished.

That was supposed to demonstrate how important it's sometimes to take in account the minority (co-pilot) in this case... there're age, experience and other issues in there. Sad story... I especially pity the co-pilot who died, but at least made attempts to save the plane, although was made shut up...
An2/24/28,Yak42,Tu154/134,IL18/62/96,B737/757/767,A310/320/319,F100,BAe146,EMB-145,CRJ,A340-600,B747-400,A-330-300,A-340
 
cricri
Posts: 540
Joined: Sat Oct 02, 1999 12:10 am

RE: Flight Related Jokes

Sat Nov 13, 1999 12:25 am

Some few more...
a parrot take the plane and is seated beside a pax. After take-off, aperitive is served on board. The parrot calls the hostess : "Hey, dirty female, gimme a scotch with chilled ice, quick!" The pax doesn't believe it but remain silent, the hostess brings the parrot his scotch on the rocks without a smile of course. Few minutes later, meals is served, parrot says "Hey you fucking bitch, bring me more bread!" The pax wonders but doesn't say anything. The hostess brigns the parrot more bread but begins to be very angry. Coffe time, the pax thinks : if a parrot is able to do it, then I'll try the same and to the hostess : "Hey you cum mouth, more sugar for my coffee!" The hostess comes down, take the parrot and the pax, open the exit door and says : "that's enough with you, out of the plane immediately!" The parrot remains cool and the pax asks him : "how can you stay so cool, we now have to jump" and the parrot says to him "Hey guy, I can allow my attitude myself, I have wings!".
Bye-bye!
 
cricri
Posts: 540
Joined: Sat Oct 02, 1999 12:10 am

RE: A True One

Sat Nov 13, 1999 12:48 am

This is really a true one :
A helicopter comes over an airport and the pilot/instructor with a student on board calls the ATC to indicate them the exact place where they are situated and for having the permission to hold this point. A scream comes over the transmission that says "NO, NO, GET OFF, we are already holding this point and we are going to collide each other..." A few seconds silent and then we hear the captain's voice saying over the radio to his co-pilot "You stupid idiot, it's me, your captain!!!"
 
Boeing747_600
Posts: 605
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 1999 4:01 am

ATC Humor

Sat Nov 13, 1999 1:21 am

And some ATC related humor

After an American DC-10 made a fast landing roll at SJC

SJC TWR: American 6-Heavy, take the last high speed if practical - if not practical, take the Guadalupe Exit off Highway 1 back to the Airport.

Here's another one that I vaguely recall as actually being true, but I've embellished it quite a bit

AZ162: Kennedy ah Tower, Alitalia Wunna Sixty-Two-Heavy is on ah finals ah Two-Two ah Left ah

JFKTWR: Alitalia Wunna Sixty-Two-Heavy, Kennedy Tower, ah cleared to land ah Two-Two ah Left ah winda two niner ah zero at ah wunna sixa knots ah

AZ162: Ah Roger ... ah Hey Kennedy!, you ah make ah funna me huh?

JFKTWR: No No!! I ah make ah fun ah United ah Sixa Twelve ah!!
 
exnonrev
Posts: 598
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 1999 4:26 am

RE: Flight Related Jokes

Sat Nov 13, 1999 1:21 am

Here's a classic from Continental's F/A Scheduling department:

A new-hire F/A is on her first layover. In the middle of the night she calls Sked having a serious panic attack. After a few minutes the scheduler finally calms her down enough to ask what's wrong. The F/A said that she was trapped in her hotel room. The scheduler then asked her if there was a fire or a dangerous person in the hallway. The F/A said no. Sked asked her again what was wrong. Finally the F/A said "There are two doors to this room, one is the bathroom and the other says "Do Not Disturb!""

Supposedly a true story. Now I have about 8,000 apologies to make to CO Inflight!  
 
Guest

RE: Flight Related Jokes

Sat Nov 13, 1999 3:25 am

OK here's my contribution, don't know the author: Those German controllers at Frankfurt Airport tend to be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect pilots to know their parking location but how to get there without any assistance. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt. Speedbird 206 is clear of active." Ground: "Good Morning. Taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground. I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly), "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
 
Guest

Buddstar

Sat Nov 13, 1999 9:02 am

That is quite an old joke and has been arounf here for a while. Just one question for you when did BA fly the 747 to Frankfurt?
Iain
 
Danny
Topic Author
Posts: 3714
Joined: Thu Apr 25, 2002 3:44 am

Iain...

Sun Nov 14, 1999 5:00 am

Cummon, that was just a joke, who cares if BA flew 747's to Frankfurt or not...the main thing here was the joke...don't go killing it.
 
Pilot1113
Posts: 2276
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 1999 1:42 pm

Danny

Sun Nov 14, 1999 6:46 am

Amen!  

- Neil Harrison
 
Guest

RE: Iain...

Sun Nov 14, 1999 7:06 am

I did not mean to be rude. But some times it does get the better of me. I am sorry about my comment.
Iain
 
pmk
Posts: 609
Joined: Wed May 26, 1999 10:07 am

RE: Chain Of Command...

Sun Nov 14, 1999 11:51 pm

This is how the chain of command in a cockpit has been explained to me...

The captain is waiting to retire, the co-pilot is waiting to get the captain's job and the engineer lives in fear that both of them are trying to kill his aircraft.

Peter
 
boomer
Posts: 108
Joined: Thu May 27, 1999 2:59 am

RE: Flight Related Jokes

Mon Nov 15, 1999 1:41 am

While listening in to the tower, I heard the controller tell the pilot "...clear to land, runway 08 left, wind calm, no excuses." To which the pilot responded, "The right seat has this one." Then from everywhere the banter started..."Rookie", "Hey Bubba, watch this...", etc.
 
pilot21
Posts: 983
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 1999 8:28 am

RE: Flight Related Jokes

Mon Nov 15, 1999 2:15 am

It's not that funny, but it's true, on my Checkride for my PPL, after reading back my clearance for Take-off, my microphone stuck, with the result that it was only after t/o and the fact that myself and my examiner couldn't talk to each other, did we realise the problem. The controller that day happened to be a particular grumpy man, and I'm sure glad I didn't pass any smart comments about his manner to the examiner, thinking we could couldn't be heard...
that would have taken a bit of explaining
an a lighter note, one that has done the rounds..
a small cessna is waiting at the holding point of 24 for an inbound cargo DC-8, the DC-8 lands and has to back taxi past the waiting cessna, on the radio comes the follow comment
DC-8 pilot: Ahh!! what a cute plane, did you built it yourself
Cessna pilot: yeah, and with a few more landings like that one, I'll have enough parts for another one...
Aircraft I've flown: A300/A310/A320/A321/A330/A340/B727/B732/B733/B734/B735/B738/B741/B742/B744/DC10/MD80/IL62/Bae146/AR
 
Danny
Topic Author
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Joined: Thu Apr 25, 2002 3:44 am

A Tip To The Site Admin

Mon Nov 15, 1999 4:08 pm

Hey!
I just saw that you have started two new forums here. Why not start another one where people can write their flight related jokes? Maybe have a monthly constest for the best joke or whatever...or just simply plain jokes and that's it...? Think about it.
 
Guest

Gravity Strikes Again!

Tue Nov 16, 1999 5:25 am

Following one of my first 'arrivals' just after transition on a new type Capt. says:

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to London Heathrow, we apologise for the heavy landing, by the First Officer....etc. etc.

I wanted to die!

There was also the time when I opened six overhead bins....
 
Danny
Topic Author
Posts: 3714
Joined: Thu Apr 25, 2002 3:44 am

RE: Gravity Strikes Again!

Tue Nov 16, 1999 3:44 pm

Now that's a nice and understanding captain. Hey, we all make a couple of crappy landings once in a while.