JuniorSpotter
Topic Author
Posts: 202
Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 4:24 pm

Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 9:51 pm

Okay, so I'm bored. Everything's messing with me at work...so I need to let off some steam with some aviation related humor.

Top ten things you DON'T want to hear in a plane:

10. "Whoop, whoop! Pull up!"
9. "I wonder what this button does..."
8. "Ten bucks says I CAN land on top of that mountain."
7. "Zzzzzzzzzz..."
6. "Uhm...this is your captain speaking. Could everyone please flap your arms...?"
5. "Man, it's hot in here...open the door?"
4. "Let's chicken-race that triple-seven!"
3. "To start, press any key...where's the any-key?"
2. "This is your stewardess speaking...does anyone of you know how to fly?"
Aaaaaaand...*drum-roll*
1. "Hiiiii, evrrybody!" - "Hi, captain Nick!"  Laugh out loud

I told you I was bored. Now come on...I know you wanna...


Cheers!
Danny
If something can go wrong, it will.
 
Akumas
Posts: 424
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2004 4:53 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 9:53 pm

Pfft, you're not bored..... I'll show you bored.

There's a typo in your signature. $10 who can find it.
 
JuniorSpotter
Topic Author
Posts: 202
Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 4:24 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 9:56 pm

Hey Akumas!

Say...do you want my account number?  Big thumbs up

Cheers!
Danny
If something can go wrong, it will.
 
ACEregular
Posts: 577
Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2003 8:00 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 9:58 pm

This goes hand in hand with the CV990 thread which I replied to and relates to a flight from PMI to NCL in 1989. We had been delayed at PMI for around 5/6 hours with no word as to why. When we finally boarded the TEA UK 737-200 and took off, the pilot announced over the PA the reason for the delay was that the aircraft had an engine failure during its previous take off and had to sit at BHX while they inspected it and fitted a part. Not something I was keen to hear!
 
Motorhussy
Posts: 3269
Joined: Thu Mar 30, 2000 7:49 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Pla

Wed Mar 31, 2004 10:13 pm

"Would any passengers who had the Shrimp Cocktail please make yourselves known to your cabin staff!"

And of course you'd also managed to pursuade your neighbour she didn't really want hers.

But the least pleasant is when one of the cabin staff who's been confined in the lower deck galley too long comes careering out of the lift screaming "We're all going to die! We're all going to die!" and then tries to open an emergency exit.
come visit the south pacific
 
757KSLC
Posts: 221
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2003 10:52 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 10:20 pm

Person with a window seat: "Weren't there TWO engines on that wing when we took off?"

or

"Is my window supposed to be cracking like this?"
 
JuniorSpotter
Topic Author
Posts: 202
Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 4:24 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 10:26 pm

Oh yeah...forgot one!

"Uh-oh...I think I've got the runs...!"  Smile/happy/getting dizzy
If something can go wrong, it will.
 
wing
Posts: 1357
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2000 9:10 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 10:30 pm

The only thing I wouldn't want to hear when I am flying,when the cabin attendant cames into the cockpit and says "Captain we are out of cofee" What a nightmare it should be....
follow me on my facebook page" captain wing's journey log"
 
ACA330
Posts: 143
Joined: Tue Nov 16, 1999 4:13 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 10:31 pm

"Brace for impact !!"
would kind suck too huh ?
 
Akumas
Posts: 424
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2004 4:53 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 10:38 pm

Hehe Junior Spotter  Laugh out loud

No thanks  Smile

But, you have made a good topic here - better then some of the trash around here  Smile
 
hoons90
Posts: 3159
Joined: Wed Aug 01, 2001 10:15 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 10:41 pm

LOL at number 1. Dr. Nick must be one of the most hilarious characters from the Simpsons..
The biggest mistake made by most human beings: Listening to only half, understanding just a quarter and telling double.
 
JuniorSpotter
Topic Author
Posts: 202
Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2004 4:24 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 10:45 pm

Akumas,
That's alright...I'll just look you up the next time I visit Australia, and you'll buy me a beer, deal?  Big grin
It's good to see that a newbie like me can brighten up the day for some people.  Smile


Hoons,
I almost wish they'd make a show dedicated to Dr. Nick...he's just too cool!
If something can go wrong, it will.
 
DIJKKIJK
Posts: 1787
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2003 11:03 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 10:46 pm

Here are some more


"I wish all these planes had those mid air refuelling things"

"Isn't it amazing what little training you need these days to fly one of these things"

"The manual, the manual, where the F**K is the manual?"

"My plumber siamese twin-brother takes my place sometimes"





Never argue with idiots. They will bring you down to their level, and beat you with experience.
 
Bofredrik
Posts: 1133
Joined: Sat Oct 30, 1999 4:17 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 10:48 pm

"All the lavatories will now be closed. We have 7 hours left on our flight from London. Sit down and think of other things. As a compensation will we serve free champagne to all passengers. Magnum bottles."

 
nudelhirsch
Posts: 1371
Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 6:20 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Wed Mar 31, 2004 11:17 pm

I suggest to add these to the list:

- Captain over PA: "Anyone out there have some to smoke I can buy? Got
mine taken away during drug-testing this morning?"
- Songs from Britney Spears or
- my brother's burps (might end embarassing...could be fun after some beers
though...)
- Ladies and Gentlemen, we have to divert... (had it before, not very nice and
welcome words...)
- "Sir, Your Mom told us, to only serve the vegetarian meal to You"




Putana da Seatbeltz!
 
SQ25J
Posts: 253
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2004 3:26 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 12:07 am

Actual Words from Cockpit of CO flight DCA-EWR early 1999:

"Ladies and gentleman....your not going to believe this....", captain proceeded to say that we did not have proper takeoff clearance as EWR was not accepting arrival due to WX...he proceeded to say we would turnback to DCA-than said ATC would makeup for their "screwup" and let us proceed to EWR, except we would have to wait approx 2 hours to land, thus circling. Ultimately we landed approx an hour after takeoff. I wonder what really happened and what was done after the fact-this seemed fairly serious to me and shouldn't have happened!
 
bartond
Posts: 648
Joined: Mon Jul 21, 2003 6:59 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 12:17 am

"There's more buttons here than it shows in this manual..."
 
jhooper
Posts: 5560
Joined: Thu Dec 13, 2001 8:27 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 12:19 am

I'm going to answer this before reading any of the other replies. We'll see how close I came to the rest of you.

==================================

10. No standing in line for the potty
9. We will be entering a holding pattern for awhile / Sorry we're delayed, hopefully we're holding your connection for you
8. Thunderstorms / High winds at departure or destination airport
7. Severe turbulence
6. Ground Stop
5. Emergency
4. Windshear
3. Hijack!
2. Bomb!
1. FIRE!
Last year 1,944 New Yorkers saw something and said something.
 
N6376M
Posts: 2310
Joined: Tue Aug 12, 2003 12:54 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 12:20 am

TERRAIN TERRAIN TERRAIN

TRAFFIC TRAFFIC TRAFFIC

FIRE ENGINE 1, FIRE ENGINE 1, FIRE ENGINE 1
 
User avatar
airkas1
Crew
Posts: 5257
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2003 7:01 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 12:23 am

"Look mommy, there goes the tail!"
Airliners.net Crew - Head Photo Screener
 
User avatar
sebolino
Posts: 3506
Joined: Tue May 29, 2001 11:26 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 12:24 am

"Don't panic"










.


 
ultrapig
Posts: 570
Joined: Fri Dec 12, 2003 11:38 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 12:45 am

Y's kadal v' yis ka dal.... (the kadish prayer for the dead in Hebrew!)
 
CVG777
Posts: 1211
Joined: Tue May 02, 2000 6:42 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 12:59 am

Oh my God! The autopilot is deflating!  Laugh out loud
 
SK973
Posts: 306
Joined: Fri Mar 12, 2004 4:30 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 1:00 am

LOL JuniorSpotter

I've actually had to say that while sitting in the middle seat(F i think) on a Qantas 744 between SIN and FRA...

I've never seen anyone move out of their seat as fast as my neighbour! LOL Big grin
 
captjetblast
Posts: 288
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2001 5:59 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 1:07 am

A desperate voice comes in the intercom:

Any pilot among the passengers?

 
StevenUhl777
Posts: 3281
Joined: Sun Jul 08, 2001 11:02 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 1:15 am

Runway? Dirt road? Awww...what's the difference. It's flat ground, ain't it?
Let's land on it anyway.
And the winner for best actress is....REESE WITHERSPOON for 'Walk the Line'!!!!!!!!
 
SA006
Posts: 1818
Joined: Tue Sep 16, 2003 3:28 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 1:25 am

"Ladies and gentlemen.....we will be ditching the aircraft."

"If you look out to the left of the aircraft you will see another aircraft on fire"

"Ladies and gentlemen if you look out to the right of the aircraft you will see an airliners.net photographer"

Rgds  Smile/happy/getting dizzy
SA006
Proudly South African
 
N6376M
Posts: 2310
Joined: Tue Aug 12, 2003 12:54 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 1:27 am

Captjetblast -

I would love to hear that. I think every private pilot has dreamt of that moment where they're called up to save the day.

 Big grin

-76M
 
cricri
Posts: 540
Joined: Sat Oct 02, 1999 12:10 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 1:31 am

"AWWWWWWWWW SHIT" coming out from the cockpit  Wink/being sarcastic
 
CanadianNorth
Posts: 3142
Joined: Sat Aug 24, 2002 11:41 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 1:36 am

#5 "$5 says we can land there"
#4 "Tower, we might have a bigger problem than we thought"
#3 "Hi everybody, I'll be filling in for your captain today as soon as i figure out how to start this thing..."
#2 "Hey I wonder what this does"
#1 "Oh shit."



CanadianNorth
Way to go, nice and slow, never late, 748!
 
ACES320
Posts: 292
Joined: Sun Mar 07, 2004 9:50 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Pla

Thu Apr 01, 2004 1:38 am

In the way to LHR and after 12 hours flying, the captain in the intercom "Dear passengers welcome to Kazakhstan International Airport ALA, the current temperature is...
LHR, BHX, EDI, BKK, USM, CNX, PHU, GRU,PEI, BOG, CTG, CPH, AMS, DOH, DXB, FRA, MAD and always PEI
 
EZYAirbus
Posts: 2323
Joined: Sun Sep 07, 2003 4:57 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 1:54 am

1- Brace Brace Brace
2- That oil I can smell burning?
http://www.glenneldridgeaviation.com
 
TypeRated
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Sep 16, 2010 11:25 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 1:54 am


F/A to me: "What would you like to drink sir?"

Me: "A Gin and Tonic, Ma'm"

F/A" "Here you go sir" (hands me Gin & Tonic minus the lime)

Me: "Would you have a lime to go with this?"

F/A: "No sir, we don't have any on board".

Me:  Pissed  Pissed  Pissed

There seems to be a shortage of limes these days!
 
flyingbronco05
Posts: 3484
Joined: Fri May 10, 2002 11:43 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 2:00 am

Top ten things you DON'T want to hear in a plane:

10. "Whoop, whoop! Pull up!"


Uh, actually I DO want to hear that. Well I don't. I would rather hear that then crash  Smile

FB05
Never Trust Your Fuel Gauge
 
PresRDC
Posts: 514
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 1999 5:00 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 2:01 am

A crying baby.

I need to say something else, so my message is of "a higher value to the topic at hand." Hope this counts.
 
7E7
Posts: 141
Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2003 11:30 pm

10things

Thu Apr 01, 2004 2:06 am

"Would any passengers who have experience in Flight Simulator, make yourselves known to the cabin staff!"
 
Bofredrik
Posts: 1133
Joined: Sat Oct 30, 1999 4:17 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 2:12 am

The cockpit door is open and i am sitting on the first row. Can easy look in and also hear... after landing:

Captain: "That was a VERY short runway."

1st Off: "Yes. But so wide....!!!!!!!"

















 
zak
Posts: 1926
Joined: Mon Sep 22, 2003 12:17 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 2:33 am

10=2
 
xjramper
Posts: 2318
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 1:10 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 2:37 am

"Welcome to SWA FL#XXX, we are going to play a game..."

Actual announcement to Chicago EX flight from Toledo to MDW:

"um...ladies and gentlemen....we will be on a maintenance delay because our windshield wiper has fallen off due to the force of the spray from the de-ice fluid!"

XJR
Look ma' no hands!
 
united4ever
Posts: 287
Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2003 8:34 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 2:44 am

"Welcome to China Air Lines flight number..."

Mike
 
henpol747
Posts: 563
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2001 5:53 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 2:52 am

Houston: We have a problem!!!!
Vive la France! ¡Viva México!
 
boeing767mech
Posts: 805
Joined: Fri Dec 15, 2000 5:03 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 2:55 am

The following things I would hate to hear on a airplane.

Hi do you ever go to that website Airliners.net???

I see you work for this airline. Do you like it???

David
Never under-estimate the predictably of stupidty
 
ltbewr
Posts: 12495
Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2004 1:24 pm

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 3:06 am

- Uh-oh, we landed at the wrong airport. (has happened!)
- We expect turbulance throughout all the rest of our 5 hour flight today, so you will have to remain seated at all times, and there will be no beverage or food service on this flight.
- (after a several hour wait on ground before take off in winter storm), I am sorry, but we have to go back and be de-iced again before takeoff.
- (on a polar route flight) I am sorry but we have to divert to our emergency airport in Russia due to a mechanical problem.
- We have a sick passenger, we have to divert to Cleveland.
- Our nose gear is not able to be fully deployed. We have to fly around and dump fuel, and prepare for an emergency landing...flight attendents, please prepare for an emergency landing.
- I am sorry, but we have to return to the gate as we have a passanger did not make the flight and we have to remove their luggage.
- Damm! that 747 almost hit us!
- Due to a disruptive beheavor by several passangers, we have to divert to Cleveland.
- Damm, I am almost at my duty hours limit.
- (on ultra long flights) What do you mean that you can't wake the 2nd Captain up?
- (from a captain or the pax sitting next to you) My (spouse) just filed divorce papers.
- They just let me out of prison for child molestation.
- Let me tell you about my grandchildren/children/spouse/boy or girlfriend
- Do you accept Jesus as your personal savior.
- My boss is the biggest jerk in the world (and your a boss)
 
InnocuousFox
Posts: 2556
Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2003 1:30 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 3:07 am

"Would any passengers who have experience in Flight Simulator, make yourselves known to the cabin staff!"

That would be OK by me!

Dave Mark - Intrinsic Algorithm - Reducing the world to mathematical equations!
 
jmc1975
Posts: 2903
Joined: Mon Sep 18, 2000 10:57 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 3:11 am

The flight attendants saying, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
.......
 
StevenUhl777
Posts: 3281
Joined: Sun Jul 08, 2001 11:02 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 3:14 am

"All of you can swim, right?"

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines"

"I can land this thing...I mean, if a flight attendant can land a 747 in Airport 75, than I can, too"

"Is it bad if you can't see out the windshield?"

"I hope it doesn't get dark during this flight...I only know how land during the day"

"I hope they washed their hands before they prepared the food for this flight"
And the winner for best actress is....REESE WITHERSPOON for 'Walk the Line'!!!!!!!!
 
juanchie
Posts: 188
Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2004 7:17 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 3:23 am

"Nah, im not a pilot.... But I did stay at a Holliday Inn express last night."
God, forgive me for who I am, and help me be the man I want to be.
 
LVZXV
Posts: 1729
Joined: Thu Mar 04, 2004 10:03 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 3:35 am

"Hey, where's the wing gone?"

"Boy, it's hot in here!"

"Why's it so cold all of the sudden?"

"Where did all the passengers go?"

"Why's the ground getting nearer?"

"Is the landing gear down?"

"This plane's awfully quiet!"

"Rock a by baby, on the cloud tops..." (High winds)

"Are there sharks in the Pacific?"

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have a "slight" technical problem..."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have some "light" turbulence coming up..."

"May we remind you this is a non-smoking flight. Could the passenger filling the cabin with smoke please extinguish their cigarette immediately...WE'RE ON FIRE!!!"

"Ladies and gentleman, we are just passing the mid-Atlantic ridge. Unfortunately there is a malaria mosquito on board this flight..."

"Look at the masterpiece the weather radar is painting!"

XV

How do you say "12 months" in Estonian?
 
airsicknessbag
Posts: 4626
Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2000 2:45 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 3:39 am

"Hi, Jack!"  Laugh out loud

Daniel Smile
 
Moolies
Posts: 476
Joined: Fri Nov 07, 2003 2:59 am

RE: Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.

Thu Apr 01, 2004 3:43 am

I have bad luck with airline. From loosing my stuf and telling me its a dangerous weapn we can not transport it or u so sorry.

To my gran mother being put on the wrong plane. She is elderly and was in a wheel chair and they put her on a plane. She hears welcome aboard flight
SA $%# we are going to PERTH and she was supposed to be flying domestically.

I have been flying before, I took off at Johannesburg and while flying the first officer announces her self and says we are going to DURBAN and i was supposed to be going to CAPE TOWN, there was a general panic among the passengers and a few moments later you hear sorry about that I meant Cape Town.

Popular Searches On Airliners.net

Top Photos of Last:   24 Hours  •  48 Hours  •  7 Days  •  30 Days  •  180 Days  •  365 Days  •  All Time

Military Aircraft Every type from fighters to helicopters from air forces around the globe

Classic Airliners Props and jets from the good old days

Flight Decks Views from inside the cockpit

Aircraft Cabins Passenger cabin shots showing seat arrangements as well as cargo aircraft interior

Cargo Aircraft Pictures of great freighter aircraft

Government Aircraft Aircraft flying government officials

Helicopters Our large helicopter section. Both military and civil versions

Blimps / Airships Everything from the Goodyear blimp to the Zeppelin

Night Photos Beautiful shots taken while the sun is below the horizon

Accidents Accident, incident and crash related photos

Air to Air Photos taken by airborne photographers of airborne aircraft

Special Paint Schemes Aircraft painted in beautiful and original liveries

Airport Overviews Airport overviews from the air or ground

Tails and Winglets Tail and Winglet closeups with beautiful airline logos