A friend e-mailed the following to me, and I found it amusing, as will anyone who has ever flown as airline cabin crew.
"Recently, I received e-mail from two readers who thought flying sounded
like an exotic career and asked me if I would do it all over again.
So, when I met two old flying colleagues for lunch, I asked them the same
question. We put our heads together and came up with a training guide for
anyone who is considering a career as a flight attendant and is looking
for the adventure of air travel."
Here it is:
"Preparing For The Glamorous Life"
1. Go to a resale store and find an old, navy suit (preferably polyester or
a cotton/polyester blend) that an army sergeant might have worn. Add a white
shirt and a tie. Wear this outfit for three consecutive days.
2. Go to an airport and watch airplanes take off for several hours. Pretend
you are on crew stand-by for them, and they are all full. Bring a carry-on
suitcase on wheels with you when you go to the airport. Walk around the terminal, pulling on this suitcase. Do not smile. Go home. Return to the airport the next day and repeat this procedure.
3. Fill several large boxes with rocks. Lift them over your head and place
them on the top shelf of a closet. Slam the door shut until the boxes fit.
Do this until you feel a disk slip in your back.
4. Turn on a radio. Be sure to set it between stations so there is plenty
of static. Turn on the vacuum cleaner and garbage disposal. Run them all
5. Remove the covers from several TV
entrees. Purchase chicken and beef
entrees only. Place them in a hot oven. Leave the food in the oven until
it's completely dried out. Remove the hot trays with your bare hands. Serve to
your family. Don't include anything for yourself. Remain calm and assume a
sympathetic expression as your family complains they did not get their
choice of entree.
6. Serve your family a beverage one hour after they've received their
meal. Make them remain in their seats during this time. Ask them to scream
at you and complain about the service.
7. Scrounge uneaten rolls off the plates for you to eat two hours later
when you're really hungry.
8. Place a straight-backed chair in a closet facing a blank wall. Use a
belt to strap yourself into it. Eat the rolls you save from your family's
meal. Consume 3 or 4 cups of coffee while eating the rolls.
9. Ask your family to use the bathroom as frequently as possible. Tell
them to make splashing water a game and see who can leave the most
disgusting mess. Clean the bathroom every hour throughout the night.
10. Make a narrow aisle between several dining room chairs and randomly
scatter your husband's/wive's dress shoes and loafers along the way. Turn off the lights and spend the night walking up and down the aisle while banging your shins against the chair legs and tripping over the shoes. Drink several
cups of coffee to keep yourself awake.
11. Gently wake your family in the morning and serve them a cold sweet
roll and freshly brewed coffee. Grab some small facecloths from the bathroom.
Pour boiling hot water over them and offer these to your family to help them awaken. Don't forget to smile and wish them a nice day when they leave for work and school.
12. After the family leaves, take a suitcase and go out in the yard. If it
is not raining, turn on the sprinkling system and stand in the cold for 30
minutes pretending like you're waiting for the crew bus to pick you up.
After doing this, go inside and wait by your bedroom door for another
30 minutes for an imaginary maid to make up your room.
13. You no doubt at this point wish to sleep, after being up all night.
Alas, you cannot. Change into street clothes and shop for five hours. Pick up
carry-out food from a local deli. Go back home. Sit on your bed and eat your meal. Set your alarm for 3 a.m. so you'll be ready for your wake-up call.
14. Repeat the above schedule for three days in a row, and you'll be ready
for your first international trip! Congratulations! You've earned your wings.