StarAC17
Topic Author
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Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Tue Jan 18, 2005 1:10 pm

These were sent to me a few days ago and I thought that they were really funny, does anyone have anything to add to these or comments.

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:

============================================================
While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: Wasn't I married to you once?"

============================================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

============================================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

============================================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern
702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"

==========================================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short- tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."


The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (arrogantly): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."


=======================================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." (Fokker is the name of an aircraft manufacturer)

========================================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Engineers Rule The World!!!!!
 
Vez
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Tue Jan 18, 2005 1:18 pm

Hahaha I'd like to have some more!
 
Vez
Posts: 79
Joined: Thu Nov 15, 2001 12:13 pm

RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Tue Jan 18, 2005 1:36 pm

Ok, I've found some (don't know if they're true though... but I'm sure some arent. Funny though)

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

----------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

----------------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

----------------------------------------------------------

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu
was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three two-Charlie, you're following a 727,
one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

----------------------------------------------------------


Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

----------------------------------------------------------

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
 
CaptainTim
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Tue Jan 18, 2005 1:41 pm

Hahah thats pretty funny.. post more up if u get it
tim
Gulfstream Planeview Cockpit: "why have hundreds of buttons when a CCD does the same thing and more?"
 
mconway
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Tue Jan 18, 2005 2:00 pm

I've seen most of those before, or variations thereof, and they're always good for a chuckle. On a side note, I was copying a position report on a World Airways flight over Christmas and the conversation went something like this:

WOA105: Gander, we were 48 North 50 West at 1234Z F350......
Me: WOA105 Gander, confirm your time over 50 West
WOA105: We were 50 West at 1243Z
Me: Roger, copied 50 West at 1243......I thought you said 1234, but I'm probably just a little dyslexic
WOA105: no problem Gander, I used to have the same problem but I'm KO now

It took me a second to catch on, but I had quite the little chuckle to myself when I did.

Regards.
 
xjramper
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Tue Jan 18, 2005 2:32 pm

Fighters vs. Airlift

A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass
the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that
their planes were better because of their manueverability, weaponry and the like.

The C-130 pilot replied "Yeh? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went in the back and took a p!$$."
-----------------------------------

And now for some miscellaneous fighter pilot jokes

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there
to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.

What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot....

What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a fighter pilot when it's drunk.

What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

(Keep in mind people these are just jokes)
-----------------------------------

A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain:
Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do.
------------------------------------

LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
-----------------------------------

Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "I am 1,80 m and I'm sitting.
-----------------------------------

A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
-----------------------------------

Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."
-----------------------------------

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F-27, one o'clock,3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
-----------------------------------

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."

Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."
-----------------------------------

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself.

He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"

"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!"
-------------------------------------------

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had
something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The phone rings...

It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!
-------------------------------------------

Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.

33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.

approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:

Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.

United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.
---------------------------------------------


Thats all for now...enjoy.


XJR
Look ma' no hands!
 
Av8trxx
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Tue Jan 18, 2005 5:55 pm

There are collections of this stuff on several websites.

http://www.skygod.com/quotes/index.html has a few pages full and Avweb has literally HUNDREDS of them-

http://www.avweb.com/cgi-bin/texis/scripts/avweb-search/search.html?query=short&publication=avflash&category=shortfinal

Tower: Understand you're without cargo today. If you're light, cleared for runway 6.

N1234: All I have on board is my wife ... and she's heavy, but not THAT heavy.

(pause)

Tower: Roger N1234, and she's flying with you, now?

N1234: Yep, she's got her headset on and is punching the heck out of me. Cleared to land runway 6, N1234.

Tower: Copy. ...We'll roll the trucks.

 
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HAWK21M
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Tue Jan 18, 2005 6:00 pm

Very good stuff.
regds
MEL
I may not win often, but I damn well never lose!!! ;)
 
glydrflyr
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Tue Jan 18, 2005 8:24 pm

In the departure line at Morristown, NJ. (MMU), I was behind a twin that did not acknowledge several calls from the tower to move into position and hold, so tower told me to move around the twin and tell them what I observed in the twins cockpit as I passed. When I told them the pilot was reading something, they asked if I could see what it was. I replied "The cover of the book says SAFETY AFTER SOLO." The twin driver called the tower immediately to protest my getting past him, but the tower crew was laughing too hard to acknowledge for a good thirty seconds. PS: I got out first anyway.
if ya gotta crash, hit something soft and cheap!
 
aerosol
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Tue Jan 18, 2005 8:38 pm

From PPrune:

ATC: Lufthansa 1234, are you an A330 or an A340?
DLH1234: Huh? An A340 of course, why?
ATC: Well then, would you mind switching on your other two engines as well and expedite your climb?


and

ATC: "Just out of interest, is that a normal climb?"
Us: "Ah, yes, well its a normal Derate Climb"
ATC: "Oh, just wondering, 'cos you have set a new European record......237Nm to top-of-climb"

 
SDFOH
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Tue Jan 18, 2005 9:49 pm

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71/ Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always
remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (his backseater)
and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles up.
We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft and the
Los Angeles Air Traffic Control Center as we entered the Los Angeles area airspace.
Though they didn't really control us, the Center did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a single-engine Cessna ask for a read-out of its ground speed.

"90 knots," Center replied.

Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same.

"120 knots," Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day; as almost
instantly an F/A-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."

There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was,
when I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater.
It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for
we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen 20, I show 1,742 knots."

There were no further ground speed inquiries.



In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 (flight level 60,000 ft). The incredulous controller,
with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How exactly do you plan to get up to
60,000 feet?"

The pilot (obviously a sled driver) responded, "Center, we were hoping to descend to it."

He was cleared immediately....




 
komododx
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Tue Jan 18, 2005 11:58 pm

StarAC,

Sorry to burst your bubble but for one, those have been posted a million times before. And second, US Air does not and had never flown LGW-FLL. Let alone would they encounter a UAL 727.

But at least to add to the post and not to come off as a b!tch, I will write some George Carlin quotes on Aviation:

~F/A: Get on the plane, get on the plane
~GC: Well Fnck you lady, I'm getting IN the plane. There seems to be less wind IN here

~F/A: Please fasten your seatbelt by inserting the metal flap into the buckle
~GC: I ask for clarification at this point! Did you say insert the metal flap into the buckle, or wrap the buckle over and around the metal flap?

~Reporter: Two airlines today experienced a near miss
~GC: A near miss? You mean a near hit! A near miss is a crash! BOOOOM!!! Look... they nearly missed...

SNB
I'm homeless and unemployed
 
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uka330
Crew
Posts: 67
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 12:00 am

I love this one!

A/C: "LHR Ground, Speedbird 123 request taxi."

GND: "Speedbird 123, hold position, you'll be following a Virgin with a tight slot."
 
TrappedinMKG
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 1:34 am

Komododx...

The transmission is real. I've heard the recording. It's posted on a website somewhere...I'm just too lazy to find it. But you're right, it wasn't LGW, it was an American field.
 
Tom in NO
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 2:17 am

I was visiting friends in our (MSY) control tower a few years back when I overheard the following conversation between the local controller and an AA DC-10:

Tower: "American 440 heavy, cleared to land runway 10, hold short of runway 19". (At the time, runway 19 constituted the last 150 feet of runway 10's available rollout area).

American 440: "American 440 heavy, I'm not sure we can do that."

Tower: "American 440 heavy, can you hold short of the grass on the other side of runway 19?"

Tom at MSY
"The criminal ineptitude makes you furious"-Bruce Springsteen, after seeing firsthand the damage from Hurricane Katrina
 
StarAC17
Topic Author
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 2:22 am

Sorry to burst your bubble but for one, those have been posted a million times before. And second, US Air does not and had never flown LGW-FLL. Let alone would they encounter a UAL 727.

I haven't read a thread like it in while and those specific conversations I haven't read on A.net.

A/C: "LHR Ground, Speedbird 123 request taxi."

GND: "Speedbird 123, hold position, you'll be following a Virgin with a tight slot."


That is a classic.
Engineers Rule The World!!!!!
 
raggi
Posts: 879
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:31 am

another classic:

student pilot calls in, not quite communicating what he is doing or where he's going.

ATC: cessna 12345, say intentions
cessna 12345: long pause, "I wanna be a cfi, build my hours up and be a airline pilot"


raggi
Stick & Rudder
 
N405MX
Posts: 1156
Joined: Sat May 01, 2004 1:46 pm

RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 10:35 am

Approach: "Tampico 123 Traffic, Boeing 747 heavy 10 o'clock 2 miles 2000 feet climbing. Lear 321 climb and maintain 8000"

Tampico: "Tampico 123 roger, traffic in sight"

Lear: "Lear 321 to 8000, what's a tampico?"

747: "What's a lear?"

--------------------------

Time ago, in a heavy storm in MTY, before an CO 737 and a Delta when in a Go-Arround and CO headed back to IAH:
Saab340 :Costera 2153 on the approach, tower confirm rwy conditions
Tower: Rwy soak poor braking and heavy wind.
Saab340:Roger for 2153 final to land
About 2 minute silence, then a pilot hit the radio: Looks like the little one went to the air
Saab340:Tiny but mighty, costera 2153 request taxi to the gate.

Enjoy
Life is what happens when you have other plans.....
 
COAMiG29
Posts: 500
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 1:10 pm

my dad and i were flying into iah in our cessna 182 and i hear this. tower- n635mm are you familier with houston. n635mm-yes
tower- where can i get good barbeque?

i also heard this on the scanner (not at iah) ua747 cleared to land runway 15R be advised wake turbulance cessna 172 heavy.
If Continental had a hub at DFW with nonstop flights I would always fly them, unfortunantely good things take time.
 
asteriskceo
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 1:10 pm

stolen from a friend:

Ward Air: Toronto Tower, what's the delay here?
YYZ_TWR: There's no delay here, cleared for take-off runway 24R
Ward Air: Cleared for take-off? But there's 9 aircraft ahead of us here!
YYZ_TWR: Now you're getting the picture, you moron, stop wasting my time.
 
COAMiG29
Posts: 500
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 1:13 pm

i also heard this.

to dulles tower
knock knock

tower- whose there

flagship

tower- flagship who?

flagship1796 with x-ray to land

tower- gasping for air cleared to land runway 15R
If Continental had a hub at DFW with nonstop flights I would always fly them, unfortunantely good things take time.
 
S12PPL
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 3:02 pm

We were in a Cessna 182 flying my cousins around the San Francisco Bay Area for a tour.

We were cleared for take off on 27R.

OAK Tower: N7226N, turn right, fly twards downtown Oakland.

Us: Roger, 7226N

Tower: 7226N, what's your destination?

Us: We were planning on taking our passengers on a little bay tour if that's all right.

Tower: Umm...7226N...are you a Cessna 152?

Us: No, sir. We're a 182

Tower: Oh...Well who the hell put you down as a 152 then?

Us: Um...Probably ground, sir. We told them we were a 182 when we asked for taxi clearance.

Tower: Figures. All right! Stay below 3,500 feet, and you'll be fine. Contact NorCal approach on (Forgot freq.), g'day"
Next Flights: 12/31 AS804 PDX-MCO 2/3 AS19 MCO-SEA QX2545 SEA-PDX
 
DHLSAN
Posts: 135
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2005 2:21 pm

RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 3:20 pm

While waiting for my former employer's A/C before the buyout, we watched the 767 hit the keys and grind to a halt, then we heard over the scanner,

SDATC "Airborne ***, turn right on Charlie 2 and contact ground while we reset the arresting cable"

Airborne***"Right turn Charlie 2 contact ground, Fly Navy"
Yellow?
 
SLUAviator
Posts: 292
Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2004 1:30 pm

RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 3:36 pm

Komododx

UA did have 727s in Europe before the advent of code sharing.

Good posts guys, keep them coming!
What do I know? I just fly 'em.......
 
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AirIndia
Posts: 1076
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 7:08 pm

may happen sometime:

tower: "Virgin, be careful. you are being followed by a fokker!!"

regs
 
vunz
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Wed Jan 19, 2005 7:12 pm

Not ATC, but FA on the intercom:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
 
User avatar
uka330
Crew
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Thu Jan 20, 2005 12:29 am

I like this one as well..

A/C: "Radar, we're a flight of two A10s, currently overhead and, er, we've forgotten our callsign"

RAD: "No problem, we'll allocate temporary ones: adopt callsign Stupid One and Stupid Two"
 
XFSUgimpLB41X
Posts: 3961
Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2000 1:18 am

RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Thu Jan 20, 2005 4:15 am

CoAMIG wrote:

i also heard this.

to dulles tower
knock knock

tower- whose there

flagship

tower- flagship who?

flagship1796 with x-ray to land

tower- gasping for air cleared to land runway 15R






Well... that story is a bit off.. That was me.  Smile I was in lansing on clearance delivery asking for my IFR clearance to Dulles.
Chicks dig winglets.
 
jamotcx
Posts: 839
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Thu Jan 20, 2005 4:24 am

While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

Er, a US flight to Ft. Lauderdale, and a United 727 at Gatwick  Confused


Jamo
 
cbphoto
Posts: 1120
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Thu Jan 20, 2005 5:01 am

Ahh a great one,
A C-5 Galaxy and a 747 were taxiing next to each other, when the pilot of the C-5 Feeling very full of himself, with a little attitude asked the pilots of the 747 what there Gross was. Now the C-5 meant gross weight, but the pilots of the 747 caught on very quickly, and responded $250,000 a year, what's yours?

Also if information whiskey is current, tell tower you have the booze news!
CC
ETOPS: Engines Turning or Passengers Swimming
 
ATLhomeCMH
Posts: 751
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Thu Jan 20, 2005 6:14 am

I'm not positive, but I think there was a new pilot on DL 668 ATL-CMH today...or the pilot wasn't new, but was having a bad day on the radio...this is the conversation I heard on LiveATC from CMH today:

CMH Approach: Delta 668, turn left heading 310, expect runway 28R ILS, descend and maintain 6000 until established. Tower on 132.7.

DL668: Uhhh, left for 310 (long pause) ILS 28R (long pause) 6000 until established, and uhhhhhh (long pause) 132.7 (long pause) Delta 668. How did I do?"

CMH Approach: Good!

I couldn't help but chuckle a little bit.

BTW, in case anyone cares, there is moderate to heavy icing in the skies above CMH today and apparently the deicing ramp on the ground here is quite active this afternoon.

"The most terrifying words in the Engligh language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'"-Ronald Reagan
 
AirEMS
Posts: 625
Joined: Mon May 17, 2004 6:34 am

RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Thu Jan 20, 2005 2:12 pm

What HBO special is the one with George Carlin going off on airlines? I'd love to find it on DVD

-Carl
If Your Dying Were Flying
 
Raptor72
Posts: 46
Joined: Sat May 08, 2004 11:40 pm

RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Thu Jan 20, 2005 7:19 pm

Zurich Airport: Take-off RWY 28 Landing RWY 16, alternate 14
Tower: Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28
Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks)
30 seconds later...
Tower: Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes
....In the meantime: Rwy 16 closed due a 737 emergency, Rwy 14 too much traffic, so they took a DL-767 from Cincinnati to Rwy 28. The 767-crew was in the air over 8 hours and running slightly out of fuel.
Tower:Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28, 2miles!
AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds...
Suddenly, the Delta pilot shoutet: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll fuck you from behind!
AZ194 went into the sky like a Space-Shuttle!!!
_____________________________________________

Tower: Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back.

Pilot:GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.
_____________________________________________

Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower: Affirmative.
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!
_____________________________________________

Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.
Pilot: Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100.
Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain.
Pilot: But four plus six is then, or not?
Tower: Do climbing, not math!
_____________________________________________

During constructing the dock midfield in Zurich:
Tower: Swiss 314, number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger...(after a short pause)...We've checked the workers, they are all working!
_____________________________________________

Aeroflot-Pilot: Bratislava Tower, Aeroflot 123, goodmorning, we're established ILS 16.
Tower: Aeroflot 123, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is ViennaTower.
Pilot: (after a pause) Bratislava Tower, Aeroflot 123 passed the outer marker.
Tower: Aeroflot 123 roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!
Pilot: (after a longer pause) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
Tower: You can believe me, this is Vienna
Pilot: But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!
Tower: Aeroflot 123 , discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.
_____________________________________________

Zurich-Tower: Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
Pilot: Funny, that's like Frankfurt. They also have just 210 und 170 knots...but we're flexibel.
Zurich-Tower: We too: Reduce to 173 knots!
_____________________________________________

Have a funny day!
Raptor72
 
ViveLeYHZ
Posts: 188
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Fri Jan 21, 2005 4:10 am

This is the best thread ever. Keep'em coming guys.

LOL
 
LongbowPilot
Posts: 526
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Fri Jan 21, 2005 4:45 am

There was a Gay F/A on a Horizon bird out of SEA. They always give a safety brief before departure, and he had us rolling. He was saying something like this.


Ok ladies and gentleman welcome on board the lovly airline of Horizon. We are the beautiful daughter of Alaska, and a great carrier to fly on. As you all know this a no smoking flight to Bozeman, but if you feel the need to light one up feel free to step out on the wing, while the rest of the passengers and myself will be enjoying the show "Gone with the wind!"

WE were rolling in the aisles.

Another one i experianced was when I was in flight training. I was on an insturment flight to some little po dunk airport in we had just completed the approach and commensed the mis, when the lady in the tower acknowledged and requested our intensions. I looked at my Instructor at the same time he looked at me. WE both grinned and he nodded to me.

I said, "I always thought of getting married to a woman I hear on the radio as I fly around the sky, getting married, than having kids, and growing old together and passing on into eternity..."

There was dead silence for about 30 seconds. So I keyed the mic again and requested the Copter NDB 270 approach. She came back a little shakey and cleared me to go up to center. After the freq switch and contact, my IP couldn't hold it in anymore. He was gone. When we were on the final and they told us to freq switch to tower again. I contacted the tower and she came back and said when do you want to meet for dinner.. I was blown away....
 
aeroweanie
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Fri Jan 21, 2005 7:23 am

Many years ago (1983) I was flying in a C172 around the southern fringe of the New York TCA and heard the following conversation:

Flight: "I'm in a Short 360, do you know what that is?"
Controller: "No"
Flight: "Its the box a Twin Otter came in!"

In my college flying club we had a Piper Aztec, which had a registration ending in "04Q". When acknowledging clearances some of the guys would say "Oh Four Q".

Just remember, our goal in aviation is to defeat gravity, so we must have some levity!
 
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uka330
Crew
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RE: Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations

Fri Jan 21, 2005 8:04 am

Approach: Continental 123, slow to one hundred and ninety.

Continental (in a slow Texas drawl): Roger, slowing one-nine-zero.

After a few minutes of handling other arrivals, Approach asked Continental to slow further to 160.

Again the drawling pilot acknowledged the speed reduction.

Several more minutes passed and the controller still needed more spacing.

Approach: Continental 123, slow to one hundred and fifty.

Continental: (in an even slower, more exasperated voice): Do you guys know what the stall speed of a seven-two-seven is ?

Approach (without missing a beat): No sir, but if you ask the guy in the left seat, I'm sure he could tell you.

Delta 123, descend and maintain six-thousand........ Nothing further was heard from the Continental crew.

Not really anything to do with Funny Pilot - ATC Conversations, but funny!

An airplane will kill you quickly...a Woman takes her time.

Airplanes like to do it inverted.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.

An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go'.

An airplane does not object to a pre-flight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

You can fly an airplane any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.

When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.

It's OK to use tie-downs on your airplane.