Zurich Airport: Take-off RWY 28 Landing RWY 16, alternate 14
Tower: Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28
Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks)
30 seconds later...
Tower: Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR
TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes
....In the meantime: Rwy 16 closed due a 737 emergency, Rwy 14 too much traffic, so they took a DL
-767 from Cincinnati to Rwy 28. The 767-crew was in the air over 8 hours and running slightly out of fuel.
Tower:Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28, 2miles!
AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds...
Suddenly, the Delta pilot shoutet: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll fuck you from behind!
AZ194 went into the sky like a Space-Shuttle!!!
Tower: Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back.
Pilot:GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.
Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!
Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.
Pilot: Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100.
Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain.
Pilot: But four plus six is then, or not?
Tower: Do climbing, not math!
During constructing the dock midfield in Zurich:
Tower: Swiss 314, number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger...(after a short pause)...We've checked the workers, they are all working!
Aeroflot-Pilot: Bratislava Tower, Aeroflot 123, goodmorning, we're established ILS 16.
Tower: Aeroflot 123, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is ViennaTower.
Pilot: (after a pause) Bratislava Tower, Aeroflot 123 passed the outer marker.
Tower: Aeroflot 123 roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!
Pilot: (after a longer pause) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
Tower: You can believe me, this is Vienna
Pilot: But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!
Tower: Aeroflot 123 , discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.
Zurich-Tower: Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
Pilot: Funny, that's like Frankfurt. They also have just 210 und 170 knots...but we're flexibel.
Zurich-Tower: We too: Reduce to 173 knots!
Have a funny day!